Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)
Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip. To say I am nervous is an understatement.
I am TERRIFIED!
I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more. I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction. Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him.
I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.
I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate. We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling. Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing.
The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away. In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone. That there was always something more important for him to be doing. I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted. Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.
During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me. I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode. It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused.
Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away. I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore. I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again.
I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore. I know he knows he has hurt me. I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart. I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away.
And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc. To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah." "And what about the time you said blankity blank." Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.
I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said. She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go
off". The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I
then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband. I
recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!"
Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war. "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19). They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright". That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18).
"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war". I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me. But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it. Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him? Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?
As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.
Literally bury it.
Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.
And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried. The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons.
With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.
I
have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.
Now to go find the place of burial. I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole.
have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.
Now to go find the place of burial. I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole.
