I am struggling today.
Mr. Hopeful and I had a "discussion" last night that went nowhere and left a wedge between us. I am left feeling confused, unheard, and as though my feelings don't matter. That he knows what is best for me, my healing, and the healing of our marriage.
We had been doing well. SO well. We have shared a closeness on so many levels. A closeness that I am not sure we have had in our almost 16 years of marriage. I hate feeling a distance now rather than the closeness. I hate the heaviness I feel in my heart.
I shared with Mr. Hopeful that I had been triggered at the local parade. While I had been triggered I was still able to enjoy time with my family and didn't dwell on the triggers or allow other negative thoughts to overrun my mind. I can't remember if I asked if he had been triggered or if he volunteered the information, but he told me that he had been afraid to go to the parade because he "can't control the situations around him" (how people are dressed or NOT dressed, ads, etc). This left me feeling even more triggered. I realize he can't control what is around him. However, he does have control over how he responds. So why the fear?!?
His lack of opening up to me, without prompting, about his fears was a HUGE trigger for me. The last two major disclosures in the past two years have been prompted by ME. He did not initiate the discussions and I had to pry over days, weeks, months to find out what was really going on. For months I would ask how he was doing, what was going on and his response was always "I'm good. Nothing is going on. Just stressed/bored at work". Only to find out that daily he was struggling--viewing, fantasizing, objectifying, using, etc.
I have tried to express on MANY occasions that I need him to share his struggles (temptations, triggers) with me. Sharing those struggles with me instead of keeping them from me shows me that he is willing to be transparent and honest about where he is at that day in regards to his recovery. I don't expect him to be perfect. I know that there are daily temptations and thoughts that come in. I just don't want to be told "everything is good." I have heard that before--for 16 years--and it wasn't good. He doesn't understand how that level of transparency can do anything in helping to rebuild trust. He doesn't think it can help either of us.
It hurts so much that he isn't willing to try. It leaves me feeling that I am not worth it, that WE are not worth it, to him to try. I have asked him repeatedly to share with me, good and bad, yet he won't. He thinks he knows best what I need and disregards what I tell him I need. What I need is raw honesty. I need him to be real. Not to share what he thinks I want or need to hear.
What I want AND need to hear is the truth. His struggles. His victories. Not the things that make it seem that life is rainbows and butterflies. Because it isn't. Life is hard. Life is messy. There are temptations, triggers, and struggles. That is life.
How do I reconcile my needs with his fears? I am unsure of how to move forward.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
credit
I cannot know what the future will bring. My best hope is every bit as likely to occur as my worst fear, so I have no reason to give more weight to my negative assumptions. All I can do I make the most of this day.
~Courage to Change
Monday, June 10, 2013
Skinny Jeans
I have essentially been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since fall of 2006 (I had several years before that of the same but had a 3 year break after 2003). While I am sad to be done with this stage of life, I am excited to be moving in to the next stage. I am ready to be done with the baby-making, baby-nourishing, baby-wearing. My body has not been MY body for a LONG time and I am ready to have MY body back.
I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!
Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG! Yay! So I stopped at the store to find some new pants. I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down. Sure enough they fit, perfectly. So exciting!!
Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans. I have said I would never wear skinny jeans. I just didn't think I could ever look good in them. But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on. You know what? I felt good in them. I looked and felt thin. I felt confident. So I bought them.
I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased. I was feeling good. Thin and attractive. I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.
He said NOTHING.
I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself. I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.
The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans. One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing. And that was alright because I felt good. I felt confident in myself and how I looked.
We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping. It was fun. Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on. She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband. She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response. Eventually he called and said "NO." He didn't like skinny jeans. She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them." So she put them back.
We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing. They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them. MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response. He said "No. They look uncomfortable." So she put them back.
I could see how disappointed SIL was. She really liked how comfortable the pants were. She liked how she looked in them.
After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.
I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look. I feel good. I like the way I look and that is what matters. I am comfortable in these pants. I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions."
I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else." But they don't know about his addiction. So I kept those thoughts to myself.
Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing. He didn't notice. I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look. If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."
Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them. Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something.
It hurts that he doesn't notice. It hurts a lot! However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself. Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts. I am beginning to like me. Because I am coming to know I am of worth. I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me. I am MORE than what I think of myself. The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).
I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!
Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG! Yay! So I stopped at the store to find some new pants. I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down. Sure enough they fit, perfectly. So exciting!!
Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans. I have said I would never wear skinny jeans. I just didn't think I could ever look good in them. But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on. You know what? I felt good in them. I looked and felt thin. I felt confident. So I bought them.
I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased. I was feeling good. Thin and attractive. I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.
He said NOTHING.
I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself. I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.
The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans. One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing. And that was alright because I felt good. I felt confident in myself and how I looked.
We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping. It was fun. Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on. She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband. She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response. Eventually he called and said "NO." He didn't like skinny jeans. She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them." So she put them back.
We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing. They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them. MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response. He said "No. They look uncomfortable." So she put them back.
I could see how disappointed SIL was. She really liked how comfortable the pants were. She liked how she looked in them.
After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.
I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look. I feel good. I like the way I look and that is what matters. I am comfortable in these pants. I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions."
I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else." But they don't know about his addiction. So I kept those thoughts to myself.
Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing. He didn't notice. I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look. If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."
Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them. Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something.
It hurts that he doesn't notice. It hurts a lot! However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself. Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts. I am beginning to like me. Because I am coming to know I am of worth. I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me. I am MORE than what I think of myself. The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Triggers, boundaries, and FEAR with a side of trust
This week has been triggering for me in a big way.
To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different. It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me. Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.
The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover. These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface. Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood.
There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use. The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well. I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense)
Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children. It just didn't sit right. Does my husband act like a child at times? Yes. Do I, also, act like a child a times? Unfortunately, yes. This does not mean that I should treat him like a child. I am not his parent. I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework.
The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me. That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave.
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!
It is all so confusing and overwhelming.
I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries. I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again. I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it. I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.
One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction. It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.
Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear. My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was? Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction? I have no way to prove if he is or not. Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that. He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue.
What did I do with these fears?
I didn't obsess. I didn't accuse my husband of acting out. I turned to the only ONE I can trust. I turned to my Father in Heaven. I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him. I was enveloped in sense of peace. The fears and doubts were taken away.
Later I spoke to my husband. I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why. I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries. He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.
Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery. I am changing. The Lord is changing me." And you know what, I believe him. I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words. He IS being changed.
While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings. I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit. That is enough for me.
It has to be enough.
To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different. It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me. Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.
The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover. These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface. Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood.
There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use. The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well. I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense)
Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children. It just didn't sit right. Does my husband act like a child at times? Yes. Do I, also, act like a child a times? Unfortunately, yes. This does not mean that I should treat him like a child. I am not his parent. I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework.
The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me. That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave.
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!
It is all so confusing and overwhelming.
I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries. I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again. I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it. I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.
One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction. It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.
Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear. My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was? Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction? I have no way to prove if he is or not. Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that. He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue.
What did I do with these fears?
I didn't obsess. I didn't accuse my husband of acting out. I turned to the only ONE I can trust. I turned to my Father in Heaven. I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him. I was enveloped in sense of peace. The fears and doubts were taken away.
Later I spoke to my husband. I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why. I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries. He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.
Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery. I am changing. The Lord is changing me." And you know what, I believe him. I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words. He IS being changed.
While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings. I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit. That is enough for me.
It has to be enough.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Scriptural ramblings
This morning as I was reading in Alma 17, I came across several verses that really resonated with me.
I was also reminded of Amulek, when it said Alma "took him [Amulek] to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord." I also though of Joseph Smith. He suffered so many trials and tribulations despite being the man chosen to help restore the Lord's church back on the earth.
If these great men struggled why shouldn't I need to endure trials? It is humbling to realize just how much these trials are a part of the plan and that I knew this before I chose to come to earth and receive a body. I was excited and anxiously awaited my turn. I rejoiced in the Savior's plan. In a blessing I was told that I had faith in Him then, and that as I involve myself in His program my faith in Him will continue to increase.
It says twice in this chapter that they [the sons of Mosiah] "fasted much and prayed much" that they might have "his Spirit to go with them". Then it says the Lord said to them "be comforted" and they were.
The last few weeks I have had a strong impression that I need to be fasting more often than just fast Sunday. That I need to fast for specific help regarding the temptations I have in regards to my co-dependency as well as help with healing from the trauma that I am struggling to overcome. If the sons of Mosiah had to "pray and fast much" why shouldn't I? My hope is that by fasting with real intent more that I might be able to have "his spirit to go with me".
As well as fasting I need to be better at praying throughout the day. Sharing my feelings with the Lord in the moment rather than trying to deal with them on my own. The more I acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and turn them over to the Lord the less I will have the desire to unleash on an unsuspecting Mr. Hopeful.
I believe as I am (as we all are) "patient in long-suffering and afflictions" that He will be able to "make me an instrument in his hands unto the salvation of many souls." We are pioneers. The WoPA's and the addicts. We are ALL pioneers in this fight. I believe as we work our recoveries and learn more about what it is we are dealing with we will be able to help other addicts and spouses alike, understand what it is they are dealing with, and how and WHERE to find help.
This trial stinks. It hurts SO badly. There are so many days where I don't think I can make it through the moment, let alone the entire day. So many days where I feel like throwing up my arms and saying "I QUIT! This is NOT what I signed on for. I am DONE with all of it." But I don't. I am trying to see the blessings in it, although I readily admit that some days I fail miserably. I do know, though, that I am not doing this alone. I can't do it alone.
I loved verse 29 when Ammon says that he will "show forth my power, or the power which is in me". The power for me to have the patience needed to endure this trial, to be changed, to forgive is not my own. It is the power, GRACE, given to me by the Lord. It is the Atonement at work in my life. This is the only place that I (and Mr. Hopeful) can ever hope to find true, lasting recovery.
I do not have power enough on my own to do ANYTHING. But with Him, with my Savior, I can do EVERYTHING.
3 ". . .they had given themselves to much prayer, and afasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with bpower and authority of God."
5 ". . . for they had many afflictions; they did suffer much, both in body and in mind, . . . and also much alabor in the spirit."
9 ". . . and they fasted much and aprayed much that the Lord would grant unto them a portion of his Spirit to go with them, and abide with them, . . ."
10 "And it came to pass that the Lord did avisit them with his bSpirit, and said unto them: Be ccomforted. And they were comforted."
11 "And the Lord said unto them also: . . . yet ye shall be apatient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good bexamples . . . and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls."
29 ". . . I will show forth my power . . . or the power which is in me. . ."Despite witnessing an angel of the Lord, they still had struggles. They weren't given a free pass from trials and afflictions because they repented and devoted their lives to preaching the gospel to the Lamanites. Just they opposite. It says they "suffered much". Physically, mentally, and even spiritually.
I was also reminded of Amulek, when it said Alma "took him [Amulek] to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord." I also though of Joseph Smith. He suffered so many trials and tribulations despite being the man chosen to help restore the Lord's church back on the earth.
If these great men struggled why shouldn't I need to endure trials? It is humbling to realize just how much these trials are a part of the plan and that I knew this before I chose to come to earth and receive a body. I was excited and anxiously awaited my turn. I rejoiced in the Savior's plan. In a blessing I was told that I had faith in Him then, and that as I involve myself in His program my faith in Him will continue to increase.
It says twice in this chapter that they [the sons of Mosiah] "fasted much and prayed much" that they might have "his Spirit to go with them". Then it says the Lord said to them "be comforted" and they were.
The last few weeks I have had a strong impression that I need to be fasting more often than just fast Sunday. That I need to fast for specific help regarding the temptations I have in regards to my co-dependency as well as help with healing from the trauma that I am struggling to overcome. If the sons of Mosiah had to "pray and fast much" why shouldn't I? My hope is that by fasting with real intent more that I might be able to have "his spirit to go with me".
As well as fasting I need to be better at praying throughout the day. Sharing my feelings with the Lord in the moment rather than trying to deal with them on my own. The more I acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and turn them over to the Lord the less I will have the desire to unleash on an unsuspecting Mr. Hopeful.
I believe as I am (as we all are) "patient in long-suffering and afflictions" that He will be able to "make me an instrument in his hands unto the salvation of many souls." We are pioneers. The WoPA's and the addicts. We are ALL pioneers in this fight. I believe as we work our recoveries and learn more about what it is we are dealing with we will be able to help other addicts and spouses alike, understand what it is they are dealing with, and how and WHERE to find help.
This trial stinks. It hurts SO badly. There are so many days where I don't think I can make it through the moment, let alone the entire day. So many days where I feel like throwing up my arms and saying "I QUIT! This is NOT what I signed on for. I am DONE with all of it." But I don't. I am trying to see the blessings in it, although I readily admit that some days I fail miserably. I do know, though, that I am not doing this alone. I can't do it alone.
I loved verse 29 when Ammon says that he will "show forth my power, or the power which is in me". The power for me to have the patience needed to endure this trial, to be changed, to forgive is not my own. It is the power, GRACE, given to me by the Lord. It is the Atonement at work in my life. This is the only place that I (and Mr. Hopeful) can ever hope to find true, lasting recovery.
I do not have power enough on my own to do ANYTHING. But with Him, with my Savior, I can do EVERYTHING.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Journey of Patience
It is said that recovery is a journey, a process, and NOT an end destination. That every day we need to be diligent in our efforts otherwise we leave ourselves open to the real possibility that we will return to our old, unhealthy behaviors. I have also heard that recovery is hard work.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives. At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.
There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit. I want to go back to "normal". Whatever that is.
A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."
I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days. I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful. There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me." "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you." "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?" "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?" "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"
I have never been a real patient person. Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7. The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small. When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future. Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly. For me, it meant NOW. Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work. Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down. But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9.
If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt. If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage. Possibly bringing it to an end. I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process. I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey.
There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries. Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord. Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself. Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful. Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality.
This really is a journey. Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty. Recovery is truly the journey of life. I believe it is why we are here on this earth. Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior. Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives.
We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome. No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own. It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it. It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.
I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into. He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel". I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel." I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program.
I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change. I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own. I can't. I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself.. Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him. I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me. To ease the burdens of my pains.
I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb). I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise. I will be blessed beyond measure.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives. At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.
There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit. I want to go back to "normal". Whatever that is.
A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."
I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days. I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful. There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me." "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you." "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?" "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?" "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"
I have never been a real patient person. Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7. The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small. When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future. Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly. For me, it meant NOW. Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work. Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down. But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9.
If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt. If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage. Possibly bringing it to an end. I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process. I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey.
There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries. Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord. Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself. Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful. Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality.
This really is a journey. Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty. Recovery is truly the journey of life. I believe it is why we are here on this earth. Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior. Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives.
We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome. No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own. It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it. It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.
I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into. He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel". I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel." I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program.
I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change. I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own. I can't. I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself.. Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him. I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me. To ease the burdens of my pains.
I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb). I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise. I will be blessed beyond measure.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Worth
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues. What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth.
If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.
If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.
If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.
If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.
On and on it went.
It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself. Felt that I had worth.
Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated! I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc. I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.
In short, I wasn't enough.
As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ". As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me. This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God.
I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in. I am a child of GOD. I am His daughter. And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH. Infinite worth.
I am NOT what I do or do not do. I am NOT how I look or what others think I am. My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am. I am of WORTH because I AM me.
One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness. I tried to remind him that he is a child of God. I shared with him the man I see. The man that the Lord has allowed me to see. While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself.
I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him. To which he said "No, but I need to". I believe we all need to. It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us. (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)
Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes. Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us. One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,
The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks. The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God.
My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation. And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth. I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.
If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.
If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.
If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.
If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.
On and on it went.
It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself. Felt that I had worth.
Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated! I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc. I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.
In short, I wasn't enough.
As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ". As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me. This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God.
I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in. I am a child of GOD. I am His daughter. And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH. Infinite worth.
I am NOT what I do or do not do. I am NOT how I look or what others think I am. My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am. I am of WORTH because I AM me.
One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness. I tried to remind him that he is a child of God. I shared with him the man I see. The man that the Lord has allowed me to see. While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself.
I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him. To which he said "No, but I need to". I believe we all need to. It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us. (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)
Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes. Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us. One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,
"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father. If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict. He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction.
The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks. The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God.
My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation. And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth. I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)