The addict in me

Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December.  We hold hands and support each other as we share.  I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict."  I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others. 

I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction.  True.  I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict.  And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.

However, I will now be attending for another reason.  A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend.  I am Hopeful and I am an addict. 

I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict. 

I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him.  I felt that it was the least that he could do.  I deserve it.  He said that he would try.  That wasn't good enough for me.  I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.

I realize I was trying to control him.  Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better.  I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are.  I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet.  He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.

I progressed to a bad place.  A place of blaming and shaming.  Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not.  I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim.  I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.  I asked him to just put me out of my misery.  He would be better of without me.

And on and on. 

It was ugly.  I was awful.  I was cruel.

I could NOT stop myself.

I knew that I was being awful.  I knew that the spirit was unable to be there.  I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me.  I knew it was wrong. 

But I COULDN'T stop.

After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation.  I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly.  I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him.  I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.

The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind.  I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors.  No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.

Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."  I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation. 

It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God."  I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong.  They were the reason I was suffering.  They were the ones at fault.  Not me.

It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable".  While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday.  This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally."  My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.

I have been feeling the pains of my behavior.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy.  Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc.  Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord.  She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear.  Fear that I can't be changed.  Fear that I can't become better.  Tears streamed down my face as she told me this.  She described exactly how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I can't become better.  That I am unable of change. 

My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self  hate if I will turn them over to Him.  Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person.  He doesn't want me to feel those feelings.  Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him. 

I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are."  I have a long way to go, a very long way.  But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency.