I want to be physically intimate and feel close during,
however, not long after a sense of unease enters. I am left questioning everything--his motives
(did he see something earlier in the day to cause lustful thoughts and that is
why he wants to be with me) and my motives (am I truly seeking physical
connection or am I medicating negative emotions, looking for validation that I
am "wanted", or am I lusting). Was the connection I felt real or was it false?
When we are intimate I want him to take in all of me, all of
my body, yet I find myself recoiling when he gets to my ever-shrinking breasts. One day I am planning on getting an
augmentation and the next I feel I can't do that, how can I teach my daughter
to love herself as she is if I can't.
I want honesty and I want to believe. Yet when H tells me that he is doing well and
he hasn't indulged, hasn't lusted, fantasized, whatever; I don't believe him
and have said as much to him which leaves him wondering why he should tell me
anything if I won't believe it anyway. I
know this is Betrayal Trauma presenting itself, but it is so frustrating. I want to believe, I want to trust.
I want H to find me attractive, to think I am
beautiful. But when he tells me I look
nice or that I am beautiful I immediately question his motives. Is he wanting "some" tonight? I am dressed a little more trendy and young
so does that mean he is only interested if I look like that? I want him to see him actively working his recovery (step work, meetings, etc), but hate that it takes away from time we can spend together. So when I don't see him working his steps BECAUSE he is choosing to spending time with me then the thought comes in "He has stopped working his steps. He has relapsed or is quickly heading in that direction".
So many conflicting thoughts roll around my head daily, it
is exhausting. I am emotionally,
spiritually exhausted, and most times physically.
Like I said, so CONFUSING.
It doesn't make sense. It truly
is INSANITY at its worst!
