Worth

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues.  What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth. 

If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.

If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.

If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.

If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.

On and on it went.

It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself.  Felt that I had worth.

Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated!  I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc.  I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.  

In short, I wasn't enough. 

As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ".  As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me.  This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God. 

I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in.  I am a child of GOD.  I am His daughter.  And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH.  Infinite worth.

I am NOT what I do or do not do.  I am NOT how I look or what others think I am.  My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am.  I am of WORTH because I AM me.

One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness.  I tried to remind him that he is a child of God.  I shared with him the man I see.  The man that the Lord has allowed me to see.  While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself. 

I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him.  To which he said "No, but I need to".  I believe we all need to.  It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us.  (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)

Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes.  Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us.  One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,

"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."

Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict.  He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction. 

The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks.  The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God. 

My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation.  And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth.  I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.

It is right

 

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I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

Tender Mercies

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It seems as though the Lord is pouring out blessings every where I turn.  Or it could be that I am currently in a place, spiritually speaking, that I am able to see and recognize His abundant blessings.  I am humbled as I realize many tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with as of late. 

 

In the LDS ARP manual under Step 2 it reads, "You will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover." (empahsis added) 

 

To be honest, I am not really sure I could have told you what a tender mercy was before I began this journey of recovery.  It was a phrase I had heard and had used, but I didn't KNOW what it meant for me personally.  I didn't understand WHAT a tender mercy was. 

 

David A. Bednar says, " . . . the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.  Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men'. (D&C 46:15)." (empahsis added)

 

He goes on to say, " . . . as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord." 

 

As I face the challenge of moving forward from the pain and despair that I have felt in the wake of huby's addiction and the reality of my own addictions, I truly have been blessed with the "gift of faith".  Faith in knowing that He is there for me, to carry me.  That He loves me.  Faith in knowing that He can heal me.  Faith that He can change my heart if I am willing to turn myself, character flaws and all, over to Him.  Faith that He hears my prayers and will answer them.

 

Sunday night my family and I were driving home from a quick visit to my parent's house two hours away.  It was late, I was tired, and my two youngest children were crying.  And not just crying, they were S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G.  We were getting low on gas, but I felt that I shouldn't stop to fill up becasuse it was the sabbath.  I did think to myself that if I stopped to fill up I might be able to console the little ones enough that the final half hour of the trip would be void of crying.  However, I chose not to stop for gas.  The crying became worse and was really starting to grate on me and I could feel myself sinking into a dark place.  I silently said a prayer to my Father in Heaven asking him to give me the strength to deal with the crying and that we might be able to make it home with enough gas for me to pick up my kindergartener the next morning.  While the crying did NOT stop, in fact, it got WORSE the Lord blessed me with the strength and ability to handle the crying.  I immediately felt my spirits lift and I was pulled out of the dark place I had been.  We made it home with enough gas to make it the following morning to pick up my son and get to town to fill up.  This answer to my prayer was a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven.

 

Elder Bednar continues, "The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure thes important blessings." (empahsis added)

 

I have to come to see that the more I turn my will over to the Lord, the more readily he blesses me.  I am inviting "His tender mercies as I use my agency to choose God."  What a wonderful concept.  The more I choose to be faithful and obedient, the more willing He will be to bless me.  And the more my eyes are opened to those blessings. 

 

Monday night hubby and I were blessed to experience an amazing, humbling tender mercy from the Lord.  I had been feeling bombarded by whisperings from the adversary and was struggling greatly.  I was a sobbing, tear-streaked mess.  Hubby asked me if I would like a blessing.  Why didn't I think of that?  Anyway...hubby then proceeded to give me one of the most powerful blessings I have had or witnessed, next to my own patriarchal blessing.  The spirit was SO wonderfully strong.  I truly felt that He knows who I am and He is there with me fighting this battle with me. That He loves me. 

 

I am grateful for a husband who was inspired to ask if I wanted a blessing.  That he has been living a life of "obedience and humility" and was able, through the Priesthood, to give me a blessing of strength.   I am grateful that I, too, have been living a life of faith and obedience and was able to receive such a beautiful tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. 

 

My heart is full for the abundant blessings that the Lord has poured out upon me.  For the miracles that the Lord is working in my husband, myself, our marriage, and our family.  I know that He wants us to heal and to be changed.  He is blessing us in those efforts.  

 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies.  The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.  When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attmept to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaulation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)." (emphasis mine)

 

May we all be able to recognize the tender mercies of the Lord, that we may remember we are  NOT alone as the adversary would have us believe.  That the tender mercies truly can "fortify and protect us" in our trials.  He truly can make us "mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 

Check out this mp3...

The Tender Mercies of the Lord