"Fix it"

 A couple weekends ago M planned to take our oldest two kids hunting several hours away.  Because I was in a cast and unable to walk he didn't feel comfortable leaving me home with the rest of the kiddos.  So we decided that we would all drive to his parents the night before and then he and the older two and his dad would go hunting the next morning while the rest of the kids and I hung out with grandma.

The day that we were planning to leave M did something that triggered me and left me feeling unsafe emotionally.  For a while I wouldn't answer his calls because I knew I wouldn't react well.  I finally answered and told him that I felt lied to because of how things were handled.  He said "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead of validating my feelings he went straight into minimizing them and justifying his actions.  Once again, my feelings didn't matter.

He came home to prepare for the weekend and to talk.  The thing I am realizing is that we can't talk about any of this.  I admit that I have handled it poorly, VERY poorly, in the past and that I didn't handle this "talk" any better.  However, even when I try to share my feelings without blaming my feelings are minimized.  His shame comes to the surface and he can longer hear what I am saying.  He only hears what he thinks I am saying, what he tells himself over and over in his head.

I told him that I was not going with him for the weekend.  I didn't want to pretend to the kids or his parents that everything was perfect and happy.  Because it so wasn't.

I guess he told him mom that we were having some problems and that was why I didn't go.  Her response to him was "Fix it!"

Here we are two weeks out and he isn't working to fix it.  I have told him what I need from him to help heal our marriage, transparency in ALL things.  Every time he says "Ok. I will do it."  And then  NOTHING.  No change.  

M doesn't understand that while he is helping with dishes, kids, housework, and all that it doesn't help build trust.  I so appreciate his help, however he was helpful while in his addiction so doing them now isn't a huge visible change.  I recognize and appreciate his efforts in being more open with me about the feelings and frustrations that he shares with me.  Again though, venting about work, his calling, the kids was something he did when he was in his addiction.  It really frustrates me that I have to ask "What is wrong" before he will share with me.  What is the most frustrating and what I need the most right now is for him to be open about his struggles, what he is doing at work, where his mind is in regards to his addiction, to recovery.  This has always been that secret part of his life and it continues to be the secret part of his life.  Being open and transparent about his thoughts in this regard is where he will begin to build trust.  This is where he will begin to FIX IT.

A week ago M said to me that he felt as though I didn't want him close, that I didn't want him to cuddle with me.  And the truth is, I don't really.  I am starving for an intimate connection with him.  Not the physically intimate connection that he wants.  I want/need to feel the emotional, intimate connection before I want the physical connection.  And I am not getting that.  I want to have a conversations about our feelings.  I want, I need, to talk about something more than the weather or the kids.  I shared these feelings with him and still nothing.  You want to being to fix it?  Here is another jumping off point.

What M doesn't seem to realize it that repairing the trust and the damage is his responsibility to fix.  I know that I have areas where I have caused serious damage and I need to do all I can to fix those.  These things mentioned are some areas where HE needs to put the effort to rebuild our marriage and despite being told what is needed he continues to avoid them because it is uncomfortable, he doesn't see the point, he doesn't see what good it will do, etc.

Until he is willing to be transparent in all things--addiction, work, everything; our marriage can't be fixed.

Until he is willing to connect in an emotional way I really don't have the desire to be physically close and our marriage can't be fixed.

I hope one day M will decide to do everything needed to FIX IT.

Unwanted

Years ago, when I was between 10 and 12 years old (I don't remember for sure how old I was), I was looking through some of my parent's photo albums.  I remember coming across a picture of my mom from their wedding reception.  It was a side view and I remember her bouquet resting on her stomach which seemed to protrude out a bit.  I then started doing some math in my head--they were married in early 1978 and was born halfway through 1978.  It didn't add up to 9 months, it could have if I had been born early, but I wasn't.  So I asked my mom about it.  She told me that she and my dad had made a mistake and got married halfway through their senior year.  I was born shortly after they graduated.

To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said.  What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake.  Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.

As a youth I always needed a boyfriend.  I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me.  So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband.  I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm).  I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.

When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way.  Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted.  But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.

When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary).  It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me.  He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough.  I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night  in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me.  He always came.  He wanted me.

Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him.  Suddenly I felt unwanted again.  Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him.  I wanted to curl up and die.

Our first year was HELL!   I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away.  Sex was just that, sex.  There was no connection, no intimacy.  Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart.  I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means.  I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used.  I said hurtful things and I was cruel.  I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away.  He made a mistake marrying me.  Here I was again, someone else's mistake.  UNWANTED was how I felt.

When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever.  My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage.  He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me.  He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me.  He was choosing his addiction over everything!  Although he doesn't feel that way.

I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted.  They didn't get to choose me though.  They got who was sent to them.  M on the other hand chose me.  I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.

I  know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me.  I doesn't feel that way at all.  I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me.  The man that promised to love me, CHOSE  thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me.  He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.

His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted.  It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing.  That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage.  It doesn't show me that he wants me.

I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about.  I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees.  How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him?  I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.

I just want to feel wanted.  I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me.  :(

It is right

 

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I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

Working toward it

 

There were a few talks that really stood out to me from General Conference this past weekend--loved Elder Holland's talk.  Among my favorites was the talk on terrific marriages by Elder L. Whitney Clayton. 

 

"No other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement."  Because of the sacred nature marriage, it can also bring the most pain and heartache, as we WoPA's have experienced.  I know for many of the wives this talk was very triggering, which is understandable considering the destruction lust addiction has had on our marriages.  It was a painful reminder of the marriages we don't have and possibly will never have if we and our husband's don't choose recovery.  For myself, however, I found great peace and hope in this talk.

 

While Mr. Hopeful and I are far from having a terrific marriage, this talk is a great "road map", like Sparrow commented on another blog, for us to follow in order to achieve a terrific marriage.  A true CELESTIAL marriage. 

 

Elder Clayton's words brought hope to my heart as I was able to look at our marriage and say "Hey, we are doing that and we are working on that."

 

Mr. Hopeful and I are "working side by side doing the most important work there is, the work we do in our own homes."   We are united in teaching our children and doing the things that invite the spirit into our home--FHE, prayer, scripture study, etc.  We share in the privilege of putting our little ones to bed and saying individual prayers with them.  We find great joy in spending time with our older kids and talking to them about their days. 

 

Every night we "retire to bed together" and study our own recovery steps, read a talk together, journal, or study the scriptures.  This usually ends up in discussions on where we are at in our individual recovery's as well as the recovery of our marriage and family.  We now call our bed one of our "holy places" as so many tender spiritual experiences have taken place as we are laying in our bed.  We joke that we are never going to get rid of our bed.

 

Elder Clayton says, "Transparency is a key element.  There should be no secrets about relevant matters in marriages . . ."  Mr. Hopeful and I are working toward this.  There has been HUGE changes in transparency for both him and I.  It is a process and as we are patient and forgiving of each other I know it will continue to improve. 

 

"Happy marriages rely on repentance."  I am striving daily to take a honest look at myself and see if there is anything in behavior toward my husband that I need to repent of.  If there is, then I quickly apologize and repent of it.

 

"Strengthening faith, strengthens marriage"  As we both work our own recovery's we are strengthening our faith which is in turn strengthening our marriage.  I was reminded of the God/Marriage Triangle when I heard this part of Elder Clayton's talk.

As a husband and wife draw closer to God, they also come closer to each other. As they come closer to God, they develop more attributes that are essential for a relationship to last for years upon years. These characteristics include respect, forgiveness, repentance, love, and compassion. As couples are working at drawing closer to God, they are able to maintain an intimate connection for a significant longer period of time.

 

 

Other than our individual relationship's with the Lord, our marriage is our "first priority".  We are making time to really connect with each other, to laugh together, to cry together, to parent together, to study together.  We are doing this TOGETHER.  I am grateful that HE wants to do it with ME.  And that I want to do it with HIM.  If I am honest, there was a time when I wondered if I did. 

 

Most importantly, we are doing it TOGETHER with the Lord.  It can't work any other way. 

 

There were some quotes from Elder Clayton's talk that stood out as something that I need to work on to strengthen our marriage.  Too often I find myself lashing out at Mr. Hopeful when I allow the negative emotions and thoughts dominate.  Fears and doubts cloud my mind leading me to pain shop and wield my weapons of war.  Instead, I need to "answer softly and listen kindly." 

 

I am grateful for this inspired talk and the hope that it gives me that Mr. Hopeful and I can have a "Terrific Marriage" despite the difficulties that we are facing and will undoubtedly face in the future.