Unwanted

Years ago, when I was between 10 and 12 years old (I don't remember for sure how old I was), I was looking through some of my parent's photo albums.  I remember coming across a picture of my mom from their wedding reception.  It was a side view and I remember her bouquet resting on her stomach which seemed to protrude out a bit.  I then started doing some math in my head--they were married in early 1978 and was born halfway through 1978.  It didn't add up to 9 months, it could have if I had been born early, but I wasn't.  So I asked my mom about it.  She told me that she and my dad had made a mistake and got married halfway through their senior year.  I was born shortly after they graduated.

To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said.  What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake.  Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.

As a youth I always needed a boyfriend.  I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me.  So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband.  I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm).  I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.

When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way.  Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted.  But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.

When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary).  It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me.  He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough.  I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night  in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me.  He always came.  He wanted me.

Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him.  Suddenly I felt unwanted again.  Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him.  I wanted to curl up and die.

Our first year was HELL!   I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away.  Sex was just that, sex.  There was no connection, no intimacy.  Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart.  I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means.  I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used.  I said hurtful things and I was cruel.  I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away.  He made a mistake marrying me.  Here I was again, someone else's mistake.  UNWANTED was how I felt.

When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever.  My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage.  He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me.  He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me.  He was choosing his addiction over everything!  Although he doesn't feel that way.

I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted.  They didn't get to choose me though.  They got who was sent to them.  M on the other hand chose me.  I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.

I  know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me.  I doesn't feel that way at all.  I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me.  The man that promised to love me, CHOSE  thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me.  He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.

His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted.  It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing.  That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage.  It doesn't show me that he wants me.

I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about.  I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees.  How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him?  I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.

I just want to feel wanted.  I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me.  :(

Late night . . .

It's late.  I should be in bed sleeping because morning is going to come so much sooner than I care to admit.  However, as much as I want to sleep, I can't.

I am hurt. 
I am frustrated.
I am overwhelmed.
I feel alone.

Dealing (or trying to deal) with the effects of this addiction, raising my large (very active) family, running my own business, as well as trying to recover from a recent surgery that keeps me from being able to put any weight on one of my legs is proving too much for me.

Yesterday morning while lying in bed with H, I told him that I think I am dealing with some serious depression right now.  I really just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and sleep the day, the week, the month away.  He was kind and gentle.  He held me as I sobbed and shared my feelings for more than an hour.  I felt heard. 

Tonight I talked with him about the possibility of ending my business as I feel it is just too much for me right now.  It is just one more thing for me to do, one more place for me to run.  He was understanding, although I get a feeling that he doesn't really want me to stop because he enjoys the little bit of financial freedom it has given us.  As do I, however is that worth my sanity?  Is it really worth the time away from my family?

Our discussion then lead into some of the hurt and betrayal that I am trying to face as a direct result of his actions while in the addiction.  I very calmly and gently shared some of my fears and needs.  There was NO attacking.  No blaming.  I used "I feel ...." sentences.  It was not received well and was avoided the rest of the night.  I feel as though he tried to pretend it all away again.  This seems to be our pattern--I bring something up such as my pain or anything else that could possibly be uncomfortable for him.  We might talk or argue for while without really talking and resolving it and then he pretends like it never happened. 

I feel like my feelings don't matter.  Like I don't matter.  I feel unsafe. 

I am frustrated that no matter if I am to gently share how I feel without saying "you did this or you did that" or if I come out guns blazing and attack and blame he still shuts down.  His feelings matter more than mine. 

I feel stuck.  I don't know how to move forward in a relationship where my feelings don't matter.  Especially if those feelings make him uncomfortable.  Or make him feel guilty.  Actually I know it isn't guilt, it is SHAME.  And until he acknowledges this he can't move forward either....in recovery or in our relationship.

Let's be honest talking about those feelings is uncomfortable for me too.  I never dreamed masturbation/porn/dishonesty would ever be things I would be talking about.  Yet is it.  That is my reality.  Pretending the feelings away or avoiding them isn't healthy for me or him.  I need to talk about my feelings to heal.  I need to talk about them with him to help heal the loss of trust and to help heal in general.  

I don't know what the next step is for me right now.  Do I go to a counselor?  Do we go as a couple?  How do I/we find the time for that when we barely have a second to breathe as it is?  Do I detach emotionally as I don't feel safe right now?  Although I have no real clue how to detach.  I haven't really refined my boundaries yet, but maybe I need to do that and lay them out in front of him. 

I feel so lost.  So alone.