Late night . . .

It's late.  I should be in bed sleeping because morning is going to come so much sooner than I care to admit.  However, as much as I want to sleep, I can't.

I am hurt. 
I am frustrated.
I am overwhelmed.
I feel alone.

Dealing (or trying to deal) with the effects of this addiction, raising my large (very active) family, running my own business, as well as trying to recover from a recent surgery that keeps me from being able to put any weight on one of my legs is proving too much for me.

Yesterday morning while lying in bed with H, I told him that I think I am dealing with some serious depression right now.  I really just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and sleep the day, the week, the month away.  He was kind and gentle.  He held me as I sobbed and shared my feelings for more than an hour.  I felt heard. 

Tonight I talked with him about the possibility of ending my business as I feel it is just too much for me right now.  It is just one more thing for me to do, one more place for me to run.  He was understanding, although I get a feeling that he doesn't really want me to stop because he enjoys the little bit of financial freedom it has given us.  As do I, however is that worth my sanity?  Is it really worth the time away from my family?

Our discussion then lead into some of the hurt and betrayal that I am trying to face as a direct result of his actions while in the addiction.  I very calmly and gently shared some of my fears and needs.  There was NO attacking.  No blaming.  I used "I feel ...." sentences.  It was not received well and was avoided the rest of the night.  I feel as though he tried to pretend it all away again.  This seems to be our pattern--I bring something up such as my pain or anything else that could possibly be uncomfortable for him.  We might talk or argue for while without really talking and resolving it and then he pretends like it never happened. 

I feel like my feelings don't matter.  Like I don't matter.  I feel unsafe. 

I am frustrated that no matter if I am to gently share how I feel without saying "you did this or you did that" or if I come out guns blazing and attack and blame he still shuts down.  His feelings matter more than mine. 

I feel stuck.  I don't know how to move forward in a relationship where my feelings don't matter.  Especially if those feelings make him uncomfortable.  Or make him feel guilty.  Actually I know it isn't guilt, it is SHAME.  And until he acknowledges this he can't move forward either....in recovery or in our relationship.

Let's be honest talking about those feelings is uncomfortable for me too.  I never dreamed masturbation/porn/dishonesty would ever be things I would be talking about.  Yet is it.  That is my reality.  Pretending the feelings away or avoiding them isn't healthy for me or him.  I need to talk about my feelings to heal.  I need to talk about them with him to help heal the loss of trust and to help heal in general.  

I don't know what the next step is for me right now.  Do I go to a counselor?  Do we go as a couple?  How do I/we find the time for that when we barely have a second to breathe as it is?  Do I detach emotionally as I don't feel safe right now?  Although I have no real clue how to detach.  I haven't really refined my boundaries yet, but maybe I need to do that and lay them out in front of him. 

I feel so lost.  So alone.

Goats and fear

We raise fainting goats.  If you don't know what fainting goats are just go to YouTube and search fainting goats.  If you don't have the time or desire to do that, let me just say that when startled the muscles in these goats freeze up and they can't move.  Some even fall over.  It is quite amusing really and a big reason why we have them.  I told Mr. Hopeful years ago that I would love to have fainting goats so I could go out and scare the goats as a way to relieve stress and not take it out on my kids or him.  So he got them for me.  Unfortunately, they are more stress than the relief I had hoped.  But that is beside the point. 

One of the goats in particular freezes up really well and unfortunately for him it is usually when we are throwing him hay to eat.  The hay gets thrown over the fence which scares him and causes his legs to freeze up.  He wants the food but his body is frozen.  Instead of just saying "My body won't let me get what I need so I guess I will just sit here," he, with difficulty, drags himself with his front legs to the food.  He pushes through the fear, the thing that is literally paralyzing him and forces himself to reach for the food. 

So it is for me.  There are things that almost paralyze me with fear.  I can sit there and say "Well, I can't move forward because I am paralyzed so I might as well just stay where I am" or I can push through those fears (and pain) and reach for things that will "feed me", that will help me grow and become better. 

This last month has been spent doing just that.  I was presented with an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone.  WAY out!  I started a home business.  I am having to do things that scare me in a BIG way.  It has been scary.  It has been frustrating.  It has been amazing!   As I begin to push through these fears I am growing.  I am becoming stronger. 

Along with having to face the fears that accompany this business I am facing more fears in regards to my own healing and recovery.  As I uncover and "drag myself" through these fears they are becoming less and less paralyzing.  I can learn from them.  I can grow. 

I am trying to keep this in perspective with Mr. Hopeful as well.  He has fears that are paralyzing to him.  Opening up and being vulnerable is one of those fears.  I am trying to be more patient as he works to face the fear of sharing his feelings, good or bad.  The more he realizes I am a safe place the more he is willing to open up.  The goats know we are not a safe place because we intentionally try to scare them.  I don't want Mr. Hopeful to see me coming and tense up in fear.  I want him to feel confident that I am there to support him, to love him.   

This business opportunity has also given Mr. Hopeful and I a chance to work together on something not recovery related.  To redirect our focus a little bit.  Recovery has not fallen by the wayside, but it isn't our sole focus like it had been in the past.  

If the goats didn't push through the paralyzing fear, they would never eat.  They would end up dying or at the very least would be very skinny, hungry goats.  If I don't push through fears I am faced with I will never have the opportunity to grow and become the person that my Father in Heaven would have me become.  I want to strive daily to become that person...even though it is hard.  Even though it is scary.  Even though it hurts (a LOT sometimes).  Thankfully I am not alone in it.  I have my Savior to carry me and bless me with the grace to be able to do all that is asked of me.

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I cannot know what the future will bring.  My best hope is every bit as likely to occur as my worst fear, so I have no reason to give more weight to my negative assumptions.  All I can do I make the most of this day.

~Courage to Change 



Triggers, boundaries, and FEAR with a side of trust

This week has been triggering for me in a big way. 

To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different.  It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me.  Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.

The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover.  These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface.  Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood. 

There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use.  The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well.  I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense) 

Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children.  It just didn't sit right.  Does my husband act like a child at times?  Yes.  Do I, also, act like a child a times?  Unfortunately, yes.  This does not mean that I should treat him like a child.  I am not his parent.  I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework. 

The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me.  That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries. 
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave. 
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries. 
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!

It is all so confusing and overwhelming. 

I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries.  I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again.  I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it.  I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.

One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction.  It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.

Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear.  My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was?  Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction?  I have no way to prove if he is or not.  Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that.  He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue. 

What did I do with these fears? 

I didn't obsess.  I didn't accuse my husband of acting out.  I turned to the only ONE I can trust.  I turned to my Father in Heaven.  I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him.  I was enveloped in sense of peace.  The fears and doubts were taken away. 

Later I spoke to my husband.  I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why.   I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries.  He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.

Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery.  I am changing.  The Lord is changing me."  And you know what, I believe him.  I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words.  He IS being changed.  

While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings.  I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit.  That is enough for me. 

It has to be enough.

Survived & Thrived

Right about now Mr. Hopeful is boarding the first of several airplanes on his way home from his business trip.  The count down is on . . . only 9 hours or so until he walks through the door.

I can't tell you how excited I am to see him.  To throw my arms around him and squeeze the life out of him. 

I was quite nervous for him to leave this week.  When Mr. Hopeful has traveled for work in the past it was a time of indulging in his addiction.  I always felt a disconnect, especially on the phone, but never quite understood why until the addiction came to light. 

So of course it goes without saying, business trips are a HUGE trigger for me.  I was worried about what could possibly happen this week.  I am reminded of this quote from the Healing Through Christ manual yesterday, " . . . worrying about them does not keep them from happening.  Worrying can make us 'terminally miserable', [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives." 

In the past, worrying all week about what Mr. Hopeful may or may not do has kept me from living MY life.  Worrying if he was lusting after women at the restaurant or driving along the freeway kept me from enjoying my children and the joy they bring to my life. 

This week was good.  I didn't worry.  I didn't fear.

 I survived.  I thrived!

Sure there were times when a thought of doubt would enter in, but those worries and fears were quickly dispelled.  If a thought troubled me more I said a prayer and asked that it be taken away. 

I felt much comfort and peace this week. 

Some of the things that we did, and will do for future trips (he has two more week long trips in the next month =( ), 1--had family prayer over the phone, 2--the kids prayed for us here at home and dad in their personal prayers, 3--Mr. Hopeful called to say a quick "Hi, I love you.  Hope your day is going well." everyday, 4--He and I attended meetings (by phone or in person), 5--Mr. Hopeful and I ended our nights by reading a talk or sharing something we learned from our meeting or the scriptures, 6--had couple prayer over the phone, 7--went to bed early. 

I had also asked Mr. Hopeful for a blessing previous to him leaving.  I will be asking for a blessing before each trip as I received much strength and comfort from this one.

Sparrow had mentioned that her husband had prayed "for his hotel room to be a place for the Spirit to reside."  Mr. Hopeful commented on how much he felt the spirit in his room as he did this.  Thanks Sparrow! ;)

Travel is a part of Mr. Hopeful's job and I am so grateful that he has a job, a good job, that provides SO much for our large family.  I know that as we turn to the Lord, He gives us, Mr. Hopeful, myself, and our family, the strength and peace to survive these difficult trips.  Not just survive, but to be happy.  To have hope.  To have strength to deal with the temptations and the fears.

To THRIVE.

Weapons of War

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Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)

 

Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip.  To say I am nervous is an understatement. 

 

I am TERRIFIED!

 

I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more.  I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction.  Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him. 

 

I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.

 

I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate.  We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling.  Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing. 

 

The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away.  In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone.  That there was always something more important for him to be doing.  I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted.  Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.

 

During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me.  I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode.  It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused. 

 

Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away.  I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore.  I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again. 

 

I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore.  I know he knows he has hurt me.  I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart.  I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away. 

 

And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc.  To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah."  "And what about the time you said blankity blank."   Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.

 

I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said.  She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go off".  The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband.  I recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!" 

 

Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war.  "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19).  They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright".  That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18). 

 

"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war".  I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me.  But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it.  Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him?  Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?

 

As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.  

 

Literally bury it. 

 

Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.  

 

And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried.  The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons. 

 

With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.

I
 have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.

Now to go find the place of burial.  I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole. 

 

Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

The addict in me

Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December.  We hold hands and support each other as we share.  I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict."  I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others. 

I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction.  True.  I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict.  And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.

However, I will now be attending for another reason.  A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend.  I am Hopeful and I am an addict. 

I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict. 

I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him.  I felt that it was the least that he could do.  I deserve it.  He said that he would try.  That wasn't good enough for me.  I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.

I realize I was trying to control him.  Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better.  I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are.  I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet.  He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.

I progressed to a bad place.  A place of blaming and shaming.  Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not.  I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim.  I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.  I asked him to just put me out of my misery.  He would be better of without me.

And on and on. 

It was ugly.  I was awful.  I was cruel.

I could NOT stop myself.

I knew that I was being awful.  I knew that the spirit was unable to be there.  I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me.  I knew it was wrong. 

But I COULDN'T stop.

After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation.  I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly.  I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him.  I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.

The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind.  I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors.  No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.

Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."  I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation. 

It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God."  I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong.  They were the reason I was suffering.  They were the ones at fault.  Not me.

It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable".  While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday.  This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally."  My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.

I have been feeling the pains of my behavior.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy.  Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc.  Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord.  She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear.  Fear that I can't be changed.  Fear that I can't become better.  Tears streamed down my face as she told me this.  She described exactly how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I can't become better.  That I am unable of change. 

My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self  hate if I will turn them over to Him.  Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person.  He doesn't want me to feel those feelings.  Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him. 

I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are."  I have a long way to go, a very long way.  But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency. 

Afraid

I am having surgery on Friday, and I am afraid, TERRIFIED!  It is a simple procedure, at least that is what I am told, but I am so afraid.
 
Afraid I will react badly to the anethesia and NOT wake up.
 
I am afraid of the recovery.  I have 4 young children to care for and that is going to be quite difficult as I will be unable to walk on my own.

I am afraid of the pain.  Despite delivering 5 of my 7 babies without pain meds, I fear the pain from this surgery.

I am afraid of what this could mean for my spiritual recovery. 

I am afraid what it could mean for hubby's recovery.  I know, very codependent of me, but it is the truth.  Last year he started working on recovery and then I got pregnant.  As a result of overwhelming tiredness and sickness we both became apathetic in our study, prayers, etc and he relapsed.  I am afraid that will happen again.  I know I need to be okay regardless of whether he is doing well or not, but I am struggling with that right now.

I don't feel that I am spending all my time dwelling on these fears, but they are very much present.  Because of my fears I find that my recovery right now is stuck.  The fears are playing off my insecurities from hubby's addiction and previous insecurities and I am in a downward spiral.  I am struggling to stay afloat. 

I know that Satan can see that I am struggling and he is taking full advantage of it.  I have little engery to fight the barrage of attacks he is sending my way. 

In turn, I verbally assaulted hubby last night.  Bringing up hurt from the addiction when that isn't the cause of the emotions that I am fighting with.  I lashed out at him and what did he do? He hugged me, loved me.  Which leaves me feeling like an awful person.

How can I say "I love you" when my actions didn't show that I love him? 

How can I say "I'm sorry" when my words and actions said otherwise? 

I am unsure of how to act around him or what to say to him.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted to my fears and taking it out on him.  I wish that I could rewind the clock and take it all back, but I can't.  The damage has been done. 

I am afriad of what could possibly happen to our relationship with the damage that I did. 

I am afraid that the extra burdens placed on him during my surgery recovery will lead to him resenting me and create more of a rift in our relationship.   

Bottom line....I am AFRAID.  Very much AFRAID!

I will not FEAR

Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state.  I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery.  In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him.   It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction. 

It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction.  My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography?  What IF  he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them?  What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has)  What IF, What IF . . . ?? 

I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control.  Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone.  I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence.  I was out of control.  My FEAR was in control!

Not this time.  Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached.  It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.

 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7
 

I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord.  That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days.  I know that He can bless me with a sound mind.  With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind.  My life. 

It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,

"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to.  We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."
 

I choose to go to that "safe place".  A place where I don't have to FEAR.  A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power.  His comfort.  His love.  I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord.  I know that I can trust Him.