"Fix it"

 A couple weekends ago M planned to take our oldest two kids hunting several hours away.  Because I was in a cast and unable to walk he didn't feel comfortable leaving me home with the rest of the kiddos.  So we decided that we would all drive to his parents the night before and then he and the older two and his dad would go hunting the next morning while the rest of the kids and I hung out with grandma.

The day that we were planning to leave M did something that triggered me and left me feeling unsafe emotionally.  For a while I wouldn't answer his calls because I knew I wouldn't react well.  I finally answered and told him that I felt lied to because of how things were handled.  He said "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead of validating my feelings he went straight into minimizing them and justifying his actions.  Once again, my feelings didn't matter.

He came home to prepare for the weekend and to talk.  The thing I am realizing is that we can't talk about any of this.  I admit that I have handled it poorly, VERY poorly, in the past and that I didn't handle this "talk" any better.  However, even when I try to share my feelings without blaming my feelings are minimized.  His shame comes to the surface and he can longer hear what I am saying.  He only hears what he thinks I am saying, what he tells himself over and over in his head.

I told him that I was not going with him for the weekend.  I didn't want to pretend to the kids or his parents that everything was perfect and happy.  Because it so wasn't.

I guess he told him mom that we were having some problems and that was why I didn't go.  Her response to him was "Fix it!"

Here we are two weeks out and he isn't working to fix it.  I have told him what I need from him to help heal our marriage, transparency in ALL things.  Every time he says "Ok. I will do it."  And then  NOTHING.  No change.  

M doesn't understand that while he is helping with dishes, kids, housework, and all that it doesn't help build trust.  I so appreciate his help, however he was helpful while in his addiction so doing them now isn't a huge visible change.  I recognize and appreciate his efforts in being more open with me about the feelings and frustrations that he shares with me.  Again though, venting about work, his calling, the kids was something he did when he was in his addiction.  It really frustrates me that I have to ask "What is wrong" before he will share with me.  What is the most frustrating and what I need the most right now is for him to be open about his struggles, what he is doing at work, where his mind is in regards to his addiction, to recovery.  This has always been that secret part of his life and it continues to be the secret part of his life.  Being open and transparent about his thoughts in this regard is where he will begin to build trust.  This is where he will begin to FIX IT.

A week ago M said to me that he felt as though I didn't want him close, that I didn't want him to cuddle with me.  And the truth is, I don't really.  I am starving for an intimate connection with him.  Not the physically intimate connection that he wants.  I want/need to feel the emotional, intimate connection before I want the physical connection.  And I am not getting that.  I want to have a conversations about our feelings.  I want, I need, to talk about something more than the weather or the kids.  I shared these feelings with him and still nothing.  You want to being to fix it?  Here is another jumping off point.

What M doesn't seem to realize it that repairing the trust and the damage is his responsibility to fix.  I know that I have areas where I have caused serious damage and I need to do all I can to fix those.  These things mentioned are some areas where HE needs to put the effort to rebuild our marriage and despite being told what is needed he continues to avoid them because it is uncomfortable, he doesn't see the point, he doesn't see what good it will do, etc.

Until he is willing to be transparent in all things--addiction, work, everything; our marriage can't be fixed.

Until he is willing to connect in an emotional way I really don't have the desire to be physically close and our marriage can't be fixed.

I hope one day M will decide to do everything needed to FIX IT.

Working toward it

 

There were a few talks that really stood out to me from General Conference this past weekend--loved Elder Holland's talk.  Among my favorites was the talk on terrific marriages by Elder L. Whitney Clayton. 

 

"No other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement."  Because of the sacred nature marriage, it can also bring the most pain and heartache, as we WoPA's have experienced.  I know for many of the wives this talk was very triggering, which is understandable considering the destruction lust addiction has had on our marriages.  It was a painful reminder of the marriages we don't have and possibly will never have if we and our husband's don't choose recovery.  For myself, however, I found great peace and hope in this talk.

 

While Mr. Hopeful and I are far from having a terrific marriage, this talk is a great "road map", like Sparrow commented on another blog, for us to follow in order to achieve a terrific marriage.  A true CELESTIAL marriage. 

 

Elder Clayton's words brought hope to my heart as I was able to look at our marriage and say "Hey, we are doing that and we are working on that."

 

Mr. Hopeful and I are "working side by side doing the most important work there is, the work we do in our own homes."   We are united in teaching our children and doing the things that invite the spirit into our home--FHE, prayer, scripture study, etc.  We share in the privilege of putting our little ones to bed and saying individual prayers with them.  We find great joy in spending time with our older kids and talking to them about their days. 

 

Every night we "retire to bed together" and study our own recovery steps, read a talk together, journal, or study the scriptures.  This usually ends up in discussions on where we are at in our individual recovery's as well as the recovery of our marriage and family.  We now call our bed one of our "holy places" as so many tender spiritual experiences have taken place as we are laying in our bed.  We joke that we are never going to get rid of our bed.

 

Elder Clayton says, "Transparency is a key element.  There should be no secrets about relevant matters in marriages . . ."  Mr. Hopeful and I are working toward this.  There has been HUGE changes in transparency for both him and I.  It is a process and as we are patient and forgiving of each other I know it will continue to improve. 

 

"Happy marriages rely on repentance."  I am striving daily to take a honest look at myself and see if there is anything in behavior toward my husband that I need to repent of.  If there is, then I quickly apologize and repent of it.

 

"Strengthening faith, strengthens marriage"  As we both work our own recovery's we are strengthening our faith which is in turn strengthening our marriage.  I was reminded of the God/Marriage Triangle when I heard this part of Elder Clayton's talk.

As a husband and wife draw closer to God, they also come closer to each other. As they come closer to God, they develop more attributes that are essential for a relationship to last for years upon years. These characteristics include respect, forgiveness, repentance, love, and compassion. As couples are working at drawing closer to God, they are able to maintain an intimate connection for a significant longer period of time.

 

 

Other than our individual relationship's with the Lord, our marriage is our "first priority".  We are making time to really connect with each other, to laugh together, to cry together, to parent together, to study together.  We are doing this TOGETHER.  I am grateful that HE wants to do it with ME.  And that I want to do it with HIM.  If I am honest, there was a time when I wondered if I did. 

 

Most importantly, we are doing it TOGETHER with the Lord.  It can't work any other way. 

 

There were some quotes from Elder Clayton's talk that stood out as something that I need to work on to strengthen our marriage.  Too often I find myself lashing out at Mr. Hopeful when I allow the negative emotions and thoughts dominate.  Fears and doubts cloud my mind leading me to pain shop and wield my weapons of war.  Instead, I need to "answer softly and listen kindly." 

 

I am grateful for this inspired talk and the hope that it gives me that Mr. Hopeful and I can have a "Terrific Marriage" despite the difficulties that we are facing and will undoubtedly face in the future.