A couple weekends ago M planned to take our oldest two kids hunting several hours away. Because I was in a cast and unable to walk he didn't feel comfortable leaving me home with the rest of the kiddos. So we decided that we would all drive to his parents the night before and then he and the older two and his dad would go hunting the next morning while the rest of the kids and I hung out with grandma.
The day that we were planning to leave M did something that triggered me and left me feeling unsafe emotionally. For a while I wouldn't answer his calls because I knew I wouldn't react well. I finally answered and told him that I felt lied to because of how things were handled. He said "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead of validating my feelings he went straight into minimizing them and justifying his actions. Once again, my feelings didn't matter.
He came home to prepare for the weekend and to talk. The thing I am realizing is that we can't talk about any of this. I admit that I have handled it poorly, VERY poorly, in the past and that I didn't handle this "talk" any better. However, even when I try to share my feelings without blaming my feelings are minimized. His shame comes to the surface and he can longer hear what I am saying. He only hears what he thinks I am saying, what he tells himself over and over in his head.
I told him that I was not going with him for the weekend. I didn't want to pretend to the kids or his parents that everything was perfect and happy. Because it so wasn't.
I guess he told him mom that we were having some problems and that was why I didn't go. Her response to him was "Fix it!"
Here we are two weeks out and he isn't working to fix it. I have told him what I need from him to help heal our marriage, transparency in ALL things. Every time he says "Ok. I will do it." And then NOTHING. No change.
M doesn't understand that while he is helping with dishes, kids, housework, and all that it doesn't help build trust. I so appreciate his help, however he was helpful while in his addiction so doing them now isn't a huge visible change. I recognize and appreciate his efforts in being more open with me about the feelings and frustrations that he shares with me. Again though, venting about work, his calling, the kids was something he did when he was in his addiction. It really frustrates me that I have to ask "What is wrong" before he will share with me. What is the most frustrating and what I need the most right now is for him to be open about his struggles, what he is doing at work, where his mind is in regards to his addiction, to recovery. This has always been that secret part of his life and it continues to be the secret part of his life. Being open and transparent about his thoughts in this regard is where he will begin to build trust. This is where he will begin to FIX IT.
A week ago M said to me that he felt as though I didn't want him close, that I didn't want him to cuddle with me. And the truth is, I don't really. I am starving for an intimate connection with him. Not the physically intimate connection that he wants. I want/need to feel the emotional, intimate connection before I want the physical connection. And I am not getting that. I want to have a conversations about our feelings. I want, I need, to talk about something more than the weather or the kids. I shared these feelings with him and still nothing. You want to being to fix it? Here is another jumping off point.
What M doesn't seem to realize it that repairing the trust and the damage is his responsibility to fix. I know that I have areas where I have caused serious damage and I need to do all I can to fix those. These things mentioned are some areas where HE needs to put the effort to rebuild our marriage and despite being told what is needed he continues to avoid them because it is uncomfortable, he doesn't see the point, he doesn't see what good it will do, etc.
Until he is willing to be transparent in all things--addiction, work, everything; our marriage can't be fixed.
Until he is willing to connect in an emotional way I really don't have the desire to be physically close and our marriage can't be fixed.
I hope one day M will decide to do everything needed to FIX IT.
Showing posts with label ME. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ME. Show all posts
Monday, December 23, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Progress?
Since finding out about M's addiction my feelings have run the gamut...overwhelming sadness, denial, depression, bouts of anger, hurt, and so much more. Some days are good and I can make it through the day without shedding any tears. Other days I am a mascara-streaked, crumpled mess. Some days I am at peace with where we are at and others I am weighed down with the heaviness of where we are at.
Lately I feel ANGRY!
Angry that M could lie so easily to me and more so that he would choose to lie to me...over and over. I am angry that he refuses to acknowledge that he lied or the damage it has had on me and our marriage. I am angry that I can't trust him to tell me the truth about anything because he finds it so easy to lie. I am angry that he says it isn't up to him to earn the trust back.
I am angry that while I was home taking care of OUR household and family, he was spending hours watching porn and fantasizing. Angry that he put his job in jeopardy every time he viewed at work or while on business trips.
I am angry that he used his resentments toward me, or anyone else, as reason to act out. Angry that he said I was the reason he turned back to it after we were married.
I am so angry that despite me being understanding the first couple times he told me he had a "little struggle" with porn, he hid it from me the until the last two D-days. It wasn't until I finally asked "what is going on" that he said anything and even then it was a trickle. I had to pry for more and more. He didn't come out with it up front.
I am angry that I can't talk to M about my feelings because he shuts down, minimizes my feelings, or justifies them away. I am angry that his feelings matter more than mine, more than trying to rebuild our marriage.
I am angry that M repeatedly "stepped out" on our marriage with thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women. While it was not physically with other women (that I know of) he had affairs in his mind daily and acted out sexually with himself. In my mind that is no different than physically being with another woman. I am angry that there were no repercussions for his actions in regards to his standing in the church. Nothing. I am angry that something as simple as drinking coffee will keep an individual from being to attend the temple, but viewing and fantasizing about thousands of women while sexually taking care of his needs doesn't. The Savior said, "...That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart".
I am angry that M used me to get his fix. Angry that what should have been special has been made to be cheap and common. Angry that I can't trust whether he is wanting to truly connect with me or if he is just needing a fix. Angry that I don't know if he is thinking about me during or if he is pulling up old images, old fantasies.
I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition. There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction. I was left feeling like a crazy person.
I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.
I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition. There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction. I was left feeling like a crazy person.
I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.
This post could go on for quite some time...Needless to say, I am hurt. I am angry.
And you know what? That is okay. It isn't being unChristlike. Christ felt anger. Heavenly Father feels anger. The way I deal with the anger determines if I am being Christlike or not. My anger is a result of the choices and betrayal of M. And now it is up to me how I handle my anger. Right now I am choosing to write about it. I may choose to talk about it. I may even choose to break some things.
I recently read that several other wives are dealing with feelings of anger as a result of their own husband's addictions. A couple of them were told by their therapists that they were making progress in their healing as it is good and necessary to feel and acknowledge the anger. That is is part of the grieving process.
Well right now I am feeling it. I am acknowledging it. Feeling it is important and imperative to my healing. So maybe, just maybe I am making progress?!?
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Unwanted
Years ago, when I was between 10 and 12 years old (I don't remember for sure how old I was), I was looking through some of my parent's photo albums. I remember coming across a picture of my mom from their wedding reception. It was a side view and I remember her bouquet resting on her stomach which seemed to protrude out a bit. I then started doing some math in my head--they were married in early 1978 and was born halfway through 1978. It didn't add up to 9 months, it could have if I had been born early, but I wasn't. So I asked my mom about it. She told me that she and my dad had made a mistake and got married halfway through their senior year. I was born shortly after they graduated.
To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said. What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake. Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.
As a youth I always needed a boyfriend. I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me. So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband. I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm). I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.
When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way. Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted. But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.
When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary). It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me. He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough. I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me. He always came. He wanted me.
Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him. Suddenly I felt unwanted again. Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him. I wanted to curl up and die.
Our first year was HELL! I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away. Sex was just that, sex. There was no connection, no intimacy. Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart. I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means. I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used. I said hurtful things and I was cruel. I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away. He made a mistake marrying me. Here I was again, someone else's mistake. UNWANTED was how I felt.
When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever. My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage. He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me. He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me. He was choosing his addiction over everything! Although he doesn't feel that way.
I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted. They didn't get to choose me though. They got who was sent to them. M on the other hand chose me. I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.
I know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me. I doesn't feel that way at all. I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me. The man that promised to love me, CHOSE thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me. He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.
His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted. It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing. That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage. It doesn't show me that he wants me.
I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about. I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees. How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him? I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.
I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me. :(
To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said. What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake. Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.
As a youth I always needed a boyfriend. I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me. So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband. I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm). I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.
When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way. Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted. But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.
When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary). It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me. He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough. I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me. He always came. He wanted me.
Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him. Suddenly I felt unwanted again. Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him. I wanted to curl up and die.
Our first year was HELL! I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away. Sex was just that, sex. There was no connection, no intimacy. Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart. I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means. I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used. I said hurtful things and I was cruel. I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away. He made a mistake marrying me. Here I was again, someone else's mistake. UNWANTED was how I felt.
When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever. My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage. He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me. He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me. He was choosing his addiction over everything! Although he doesn't feel that way.
I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted. They didn't get to choose me though. They got who was sent to them. M on the other hand chose me. I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.
I know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me. I doesn't feel that way at all. I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me. The man that promised to love me, CHOSE thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me. He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.
His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted. It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing. That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage. It doesn't show me that he wants me.
I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about. I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees. How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him? I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.
I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me. :(
Friday, October 25, 2013
hard times
For as long
as I can remember I have never felt good about myself. I never much liked myself. I never felt pretty enough. I was never skinny enough. And on and on. I remember my younger sister and brother
calling another brother and myself FAT.
My high school boyfriend called me his "kick me dog". He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?" I said "what do you mean?" His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you." I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say). He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs). My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin. Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was. My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ), I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left. I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."
http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
My high school boyfriend called me his "kick me dog". He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?" I said "what do you mean?" His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you." I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say). He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs). My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin. Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was. My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ), I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left. I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."
Looking
back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up
with it? Why?
Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a
girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife. My
worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was
pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a
million other things. Finding out that
my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women
was literally crushing. His actions backed
up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth. If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.
I am not
gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard! Mr. Hopeful did something last month,
unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and
physically. His response to this
particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I
already felt. It took me back to the
last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then. Back to my worthless feeling teenage self. The recovery work I had done over the last 10
months or so went out the window. I have
been a mess. Insanity has been my
constant companion.
It all came
to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.
The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly,
bitter, blaming, shaming fit. To be
honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done. As in I can't live in this pain anymore. I don't WANT to live in this pain
anymore. I just wanted it all over. I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted
that what did it matter what I did? He
didn't want me anyway so who cares?
INSANITY!!
Thankfully,
Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why). He sent me
an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel. He was sharing it with me
because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped
that I might gain something from it. He
had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.
More to come
in the next post....
I encourage
you to take the time to listen to this interview. It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for
my husband, and our bishop. Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
Monday, June 10, 2013
Skinny Jeans
I have essentially been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since fall of 2006 (I had several years before that of the same but had a 3 year break after 2003). While I am sad to be done with this stage of life, I am excited to be moving in to the next stage. I am ready to be done with the baby-making, baby-nourishing, baby-wearing. My body has not been MY body for a LONG time and I am ready to have MY body back.
I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!
Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG! Yay! So I stopped at the store to find some new pants. I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down. Sure enough they fit, perfectly. So exciting!!
Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans. I have said I would never wear skinny jeans. I just didn't think I could ever look good in them. But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on. You know what? I felt good in them. I looked and felt thin. I felt confident. So I bought them.
I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased. I was feeling good. Thin and attractive. I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.
He said NOTHING.
I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself. I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.
The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans. One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing. And that was alright because I felt good. I felt confident in myself and how I looked.
We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping. It was fun. Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on. She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband. She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response. Eventually he called and said "NO." He didn't like skinny jeans. She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them." So she put them back.
We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing. They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them. MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response. He said "No. They look uncomfortable." So she put them back.
I could see how disappointed SIL was. She really liked how comfortable the pants were. She liked how she looked in them.
After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.
I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look. I feel good. I like the way I look and that is what matters. I am comfortable in these pants. I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions."
I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else." But they don't know about his addiction. So I kept those thoughts to myself.
Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing. He didn't notice. I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look. If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."
Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them. Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something.
It hurts that he doesn't notice. It hurts a lot! However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself. Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts. I am beginning to like me. Because I am coming to know I am of worth. I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me. I am MORE than what I think of myself. The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).
I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!
Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG! Yay! So I stopped at the store to find some new pants. I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down. Sure enough they fit, perfectly. So exciting!!
Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans. I have said I would never wear skinny jeans. I just didn't think I could ever look good in them. But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on. You know what? I felt good in them. I looked and felt thin. I felt confident. So I bought them.
I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased. I was feeling good. Thin and attractive. I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.
He said NOTHING.
I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself. I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.
The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans. One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing. And that was alright because I felt good. I felt confident in myself and how I looked.
We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping. It was fun. Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on. She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband. She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response. Eventually he called and said "NO." He didn't like skinny jeans. She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them." So she put them back.
We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing. They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them. MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response. He said "No. They look uncomfortable." So she put them back.
I could see how disappointed SIL was. She really liked how comfortable the pants were. She liked how she looked in them.
After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.
I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look. I feel good. I like the way I look and that is what matters. I am comfortable in these pants. I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions."
I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else." But they don't know about his addiction. So I kept those thoughts to myself.
Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing. He didn't notice. I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look. If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."
Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them. Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something.
It hurts that he doesn't notice. It hurts a lot! However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself. Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts. I am beginning to like me. Because I am coming to know I am of worth. I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me. I am MORE than what I think of myself. The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).
Saturday, April 20, 2013
It is right
I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland MM shared in her post the other day.
"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged. We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted. We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple. Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together. I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.
How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good. I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache.
We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and now addiction (my own and his).
During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage. It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be. But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child. Our relationship changed for the better. We had a good marriage. We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy. It was GOOD!
Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD! Our marriage was good.
Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction. Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more. Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.
Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography? Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart? Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?
I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband. As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing." I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness." I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage. Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around? I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home. Home to my Father in Heaven.
I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again. Satan had won. He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness. In his darkness.
When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right. "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now." I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie. We were happy. We did have a good life.
Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared. It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children. The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state. The anticipation of building our first home. The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play. The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home. These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.
My happiness then was real. And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness. As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears." And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me." I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do.
Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage? Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction? That I won't turn to my own addiction? Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses? Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right. And, for now, it is right.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Survived & Thrived
Right about now Mr. Hopeful is boarding the first of several airplanes on his way home from his business trip. The count down is on . . . only 9 hours or so until he walks through the door.
I can't tell you how excited I am to see him. To throw my arms around him and squeeze the life out of him.
I was quite nervous for him to leave this week. When Mr. Hopeful has traveled for work in the past it was a time of indulging in his addiction. I always felt a disconnect, especially on the phone, but never quite understood why until the addiction came to light.
So of course it goes without saying, business trips are a HUGE trigger for me. I was worried about what could possibly happen this week. I am reminded of this quote from the Healing Through Christ manual yesterday, " . . . worrying about them does not keep them from happening. Worrying can make us 'terminally miserable', [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives."
In the past, worrying all week about what Mr. Hopeful may or may not do has kept me from living MY life. Worrying if he was lusting after women at the restaurant or driving along the freeway kept me from enjoying my children and the joy they bring to my life.
This week was good. I didn't worry. I didn't fear.
I survived. I thrived!
Sure there were times when a thought of doubt would enter in, but those worries and fears were quickly dispelled. If a thought troubled me more I said a prayer and asked that it be taken away.
I felt much comfort and peace this week.
Some of the things that we did, and will do for future trips (he has two more week long trips in the next month =( ), 1--had family prayer over the phone, 2--the kids prayed for us here at home and dad in their personal prayers, 3--Mr. Hopeful called to say a quick "Hi, I love you. Hope your day is going well." everyday, 4--He and I attended meetings (by phone or in person), 5--Mr. Hopeful and I ended our nights by reading a talk or sharing something we learned from our meeting or the scriptures, 6--had couple prayer over the phone, 7--went to bed early.
I had also asked Mr. Hopeful for a blessing previous to him leaving. I will be asking for a blessing before each trip as I received much strength and comfort from this one.
Sparrow had mentioned that her husband had prayed "for his hotel room to be a place for the Spirit to reside." Mr. Hopeful commented on how much he felt the spirit in his room as he did this. Thanks Sparrow! ;)
Travel is a part of Mr. Hopeful's job and I am so grateful that he has a job, a good job, that provides SO much for our large family. I know that as we turn to the Lord, He gives us, Mr. Hopeful, myself, and our family, the strength and peace to survive these difficult trips. Not just survive, but to be happy. To have hope. To have strength to deal with the temptations and the fears.
To THRIVE.
I can't tell you how excited I am to see him. To throw my arms around him and squeeze the life out of him.
I was quite nervous for him to leave this week. When Mr. Hopeful has traveled for work in the past it was a time of indulging in his addiction. I always felt a disconnect, especially on the phone, but never quite understood why until the addiction came to light.
So of course it goes without saying, business trips are a HUGE trigger for me. I was worried about what could possibly happen this week. I am reminded of this quote from the Healing Through Christ manual yesterday, " . . . worrying about them does not keep them from happening. Worrying can make us 'terminally miserable', [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives."
In the past, worrying all week about what Mr. Hopeful may or may not do has kept me from living MY life. Worrying if he was lusting after women at the restaurant or driving along the freeway kept me from enjoying my children and the joy they bring to my life.
This week was good. I didn't worry. I didn't fear.
I survived. I thrived!
Sure there were times when a thought of doubt would enter in, but those worries and fears were quickly dispelled. If a thought troubled me more I said a prayer and asked that it be taken away.
I felt much comfort and peace this week.
Some of the things that we did, and will do for future trips (he has two more week long trips in the next month =( ), 1--had family prayer over the phone, 2--the kids prayed for us here at home and dad in their personal prayers, 3--Mr. Hopeful called to say a quick "Hi, I love you. Hope your day is going well." everyday, 4--He and I attended meetings (by phone or in person), 5--Mr. Hopeful and I ended our nights by reading a talk or sharing something we learned from our meeting or the scriptures, 6--had couple prayer over the phone, 7--went to bed early.
I had also asked Mr. Hopeful for a blessing previous to him leaving. I will be asking for a blessing before each trip as I received much strength and comfort from this one.
Sparrow had mentioned that her husband had prayed "for his hotel room to be a place for the Spirit to reside." Mr. Hopeful commented on how much he felt the spirit in his room as he did this. Thanks Sparrow! ;)
Travel is a part of Mr. Hopeful's job and I am so grateful that he has a job, a good job, that provides SO much for our large family. I know that as we turn to the Lord, He gives us, Mr. Hopeful, myself, and our family, the strength and peace to survive these difficult trips. Not just survive, but to be happy. To have hope. To have strength to deal with the temptations and the fears.
To THRIVE.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Weapons of War
Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)
Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip. To say I am nervous is an understatement.
I am TERRIFIED!
I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more. I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction. Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him.
I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.
I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate. We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling. Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing.
The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away. In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone. That there was always something more important for him to be doing. I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted. Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.
During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me. I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode. It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused.
Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away. I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore. I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again.
I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore. I know he knows he has hurt me. I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart. I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away.
And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc. To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah." "And what about the time you said blankity blank." Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.
I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said. She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go
off". The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I
then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband. I
recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!"
Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war. "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19). They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright". That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18).
"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war". I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me. But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it. Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him? Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?
As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.
Literally bury it.
Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.
And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried. The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons.
With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.
I
have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.
Now to go find the place of burial. I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole.
have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.
Now to go find the place of burial. I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Courage
This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther. I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story. I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself.
I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death. Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes? Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?
Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."
As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.
On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades. When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage. I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.
I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction. And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws. Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.
During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage. Would we be able to make it through? Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it? Did HE want me enough to make it work? Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?
I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things. I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage.
Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."
I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith." As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good".
I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him.
I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death. Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes? Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?
Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."
As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.
On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades. When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage. I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.
I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction. And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws. Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.
During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage. Would we be able to make it through? Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it? Did HE want me enough to make it work? Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?
I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things. I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage.
Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."
I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith." As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good".
I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The addict in me
Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December. We hold hands and support each other as we share. I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict." I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others.
I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction. True. I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict. And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.
However, I will now be attending for another reason. A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend. I am Hopeful and I am an addict.
I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict.
I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him. I felt that it was the least that he could do. I deserve it. He said that he would try. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.
I realize I was trying to control him. Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better. I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are. I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet. He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.
I progressed to a bad place. A place of blaming and shaming. Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not. I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim. I told him that I didn't want to live anymore. I asked him to just put me out of my misery. He would be better of without me.
And on and on.
It was ugly. I was awful. I was cruel.
I could NOT stop myself.
I knew that I was being awful. I knew that the spirit was unable to be there. I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me. I knew it was wrong.
But I COULDN'T stop.
After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation. I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly. I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him. I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.
The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind. I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors. No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.
Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation.
It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God." I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong. They were the reason I was suffering. They were the ones at fault. Not me.
It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable". While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday. This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally." My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.
I have been feeling the pains of my behavior. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy. Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc. Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord. She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear. Fear that I can't be changed. Fear that I can't become better. Tears streamed down my face as she told me this. She described exactly how I am feeling. I am afraid that I can't become better. That I am unable of change.
My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self hate if I will turn them over to Him. Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person. He doesn't want me to feel those feelings. Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him.
I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are." I have a long way to go, a very long way. But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency.
I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction. True. I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict. And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.
However, I will now be attending for another reason. A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend. I am Hopeful and I am an addict.
I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict.
I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him. I felt that it was the least that he could do. I deserve it. He said that he would try. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.
I realize I was trying to control him. Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better. I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are. I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet. He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.
I progressed to a bad place. A place of blaming and shaming. Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not. I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim. I told him that I didn't want to live anymore. I asked him to just put me out of my misery. He would be better of without me.
And on and on.
It was ugly. I was awful. I was cruel.
I could NOT stop myself.
I knew that I was being awful. I knew that the spirit was unable to be there. I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me. I knew it was wrong.
But I COULDN'T stop.
After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation. I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly. I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him. I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.
The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind. I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors. No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.
Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation.
It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God." I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong. They were the reason I was suffering. They were the ones at fault. Not me.
It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable". While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday. This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally." My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.
I have been feeling the pains of my behavior. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy. Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc. Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord. She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear. Fear that I can't be changed. Fear that I can't become better. Tears streamed down my face as she told me this. She described exactly how I am feeling. I am afraid that I can't become better. That I am unable of change.
My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self hate if I will turn them over to Him. Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person. He doesn't want me to feel those feelings. Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him.
I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are." I have a long way to go, a very long way. But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Dependent on Him
"And together we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
"know thou, . . . that all these things shall give thee experince, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)
Due to a surgery, I have been sitting around for the last few weeks lame, unable to do much of anything for myself or my family. I have felt worthless. If I can't take of my family what worth do I have. I know I am of worth it is just hard knowing I can't perform my duties as mother and wife.
I have had to deal with the inital pain of the surgery and then the pain of recovery. The sadness of not being able to carry my baby to bed or to play outside with my kids. I don't even want to think of the pain that will undoubtly come from the impending physical therapy.
My ankle was badly damaged after years of injuries. I was in pain most of the time, despite trying to baby it and avoid activities that might cause pain. Unfortunately after a trying therapy it was determined that my ankle was shot and needed to be "rebuilt". The two outside ligaments were cut, tightened, and stitched together as well as the tendon going across the front of the ankle.
As I mentioned I have been in pain, still experience pain despite being 3 weeks out from surgery, and know that there will be more pain as therapy resumes. In order for my ankle to be whole again I had to experience this pain. This pain has been "for my good".
I said above that I have been unable to much for myself or my family due to my surgery and the fact that I can't put weight on my ankle. So I have had to allow others to take care of me. I say allow because sure I could try to do things on my own, but it could result in injury to myself or another (my baby if I tried to carry her to bed). There have been a few times that I have tried to do a few things for myself and have had some close calls.
So I sit. And watch. I watch hubby, my mom, my mother-in-law, my kids, and kind ward members do everything for me.
I have had some very strong impressions come to me in the last couple of days involving this trial of physical pain in my ankle and how it correlates to the emotional and spiritual pains that I am faced with as a result of hubby's addiction as well as my own addition to co-dependency.
Like the pain from my surgery, the pains that I feel as a result of the disclosures, lack of initmacy, loss of trust, that have come as a result of hubby's addiction are necessary. They are for my good. It may be hard to see the good, but I am coming to understand and KNOW that they are, in fact, for my good.
Although it may be necessary for me to suffer these pains, it doesn't mean that I need to or CAN suffer them alone. Just like I have had to be dependent on everyone around me for the last few weeks to help me do the things I can't physically do for myself. I, too, am dependent on my Savior and His grace to help me endure the emotional, spiritual, and physical pains that I feel.
I hate to ask for help. I feel as though I can and should do most everything for myself. Yah, you could say that I am a martyr at times--I am working on that. I hate to admit that there haven't been many times when I can say that I have truly turned to my Savior for His help.
The story of Peter walking on the water to the Savior came to my mind the other day. When Peter became frightened and started sinking, He called out to Christ to help him. I realized that instead of reaching out to my Savior as I began to sink into the rough waters of life I have been treading water, trying to keep my head above water on my own.
There have been a few times when I felt as though my head was sinking below the surface that I reached out to my Savior to pull me back up to safety. I would thank Him for His help and resume my own treading.
As I think about how I have been forced to depend on others because of my current physical limitations, I have also come to realize that I have to stop treading. To reach my hand out to my Savior, just as Peter did.
I have come to see how truly dependent on Him I am. For EVERYTHING. Not just healing from the impact of hubby's addiction in my life, but from my own shortcomings and weaknesses. From my own sins. I can NOT be changed without HIM and His grace.
So I reach out and trust in His perfect plan for me. I trust that He can heal my pains and that "this experience is for my good".
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Needs
As a mom I am constantly worrying about and taking care of the needs of my family. There is the seemlingly never ending list of needs--Diapers that need changing, meals that need prepared, laundry needing washed and folded, stories to be read, homework that needs to be checked and explained, baby that needs fed, cuddle time, kisses for the little bumps and bruises, attention as they tell me about their day, hugs just to know they are loved, a house that needs straightened up, and the list goes on and on and on.
I love being a mom and a wife. I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family. A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family. I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family.
I have become very adept at knowing what my children need. There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs. Although not by my own efforts for sure.
In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well. I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs. We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.
When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough. I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs. I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs.
I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton. That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good. I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more.
And then he relapsed.
How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed? I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again. What happened?
In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs. How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed. And that I could provide what HE needed.
In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need.
There is only ONE who knows what we each need. He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need. He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING. He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US. So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know. He see what we do not see. Trust in Him. He knows what is best for His child . . ."
I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me. He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth. He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart. I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.
I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby. That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do.
Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need. While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally. As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small. It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.
I do not know what is best for me. I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually. I can't know what is best for hubby. I do not understand what he needs. Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need. What hubby needs. What my family needs.
I love being a mom and a wife. I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family. A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family. I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family.
I have become very adept at knowing what my children need. There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs. Although not by my own efforts for sure.
In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well. I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs. We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.
When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough. I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs. I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs.
I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton. That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good. I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more.
And then he relapsed.
How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed? I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again. What happened?
In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs. How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed. And that I could provide what HE needed.
In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need.
There is only ONE who knows what we each need. He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need. He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING. He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US. So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know. He see what we do not see. Trust in Him. He knows what is best for His child . . ."
I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me. He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth. He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart. I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.
I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby. That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do.
Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need. While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally. As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small. It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)
I do not know what is best for me. I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually. I can't know what is best for hubby. I do not understand what he needs. Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need. What hubby needs. What my family needs.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Afraid
I am having surgery on Friday, and I am afraid, TERRIFIED! It is a simple procedure, at least that is what I am told, but I am so afraid.
Afraid I will react badly to the anethesia and NOT wake up.
I am afraid of the recovery. I have 4 young children to care for and that is going to be quite difficult as I will be unable to walk on my own.
I am afraid of the pain. Despite delivering 5 of my 7 babies without pain meds, I fear the pain from this surgery.
I am afraid of what this could mean for my spiritual recovery.
I am afraid what it could mean for hubby's recovery. I know, very codependent of me, but it is the truth. Last year he started working on recovery and then I got pregnant. As a result of overwhelming tiredness and sickness we both became apathetic in our study, prayers, etc and he relapsed. I am afraid that will happen again. I know I need to be okay regardless of whether he is doing well or not, but I am struggling with that right now.
I don't feel that I am spending all my time dwelling on these fears, but they are very much present. Because of my fears I find that my recovery right now is stuck. The fears are playing off my insecurities from hubby's addiction and previous insecurities and I am in a downward spiral. I am struggling to stay afloat.
I know that Satan can see that I am struggling and he is taking full advantage of it. I have little engery to fight the barrage of attacks he is sending my way.
In turn, I verbally assaulted hubby last night. Bringing up hurt from the addiction when that isn't the cause of the emotions that I am fighting with. I lashed out at him and what did he do? He hugged me, loved me. Which leaves me feeling like an awful person.
How can I say "I love you" when my actions didn't show that I love him?
How can I say "I'm sorry" when my words and actions said otherwise?
I am unsure of how to act around him or what to say to him. I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted to my fears and taking it out on him. I wish that I could rewind the clock and take it all back, but I can't. The damage has been done.
I am afriad of what could possibly happen to our relationship with the damage that I did.
I am afraid that the extra burdens placed on him during my surgery recovery will lead to him resenting me and create more of a rift in our relationship.
Bottom line....I am AFRAID. Very much AFRAID!
Afraid I will react badly to the anethesia and NOT wake up.
I am afraid of the recovery. I have 4 young children to care for and that is going to be quite difficult as I will be unable to walk on my own.
I am afraid of the pain. Despite delivering 5 of my 7 babies without pain meds, I fear the pain from this surgery.
I am afraid of what this could mean for my spiritual recovery.
I am afraid what it could mean for hubby's recovery. I know, very codependent of me, but it is the truth. Last year he started working on recovery and then I got pregnant. As a result of overwhelming tiredness and sickness we both became apathetic in our study, prayers, etc and he relapsed. I am afraid that will happen again. I know I need to be okay regardless of whether he is doing well or not, but I am struggling with that right now.
I don't feel that I am spending all my time dwelling on these fears, but they are very much present. Because of my fears I find that my recovery right now is stuck. The fears are playing off my insecurities from hubby's addiction and previous insecurities and I am in a downward spiral. I am struggling to stay afloat.
I know that Satan can see that I am struggling and he is taking full advantage of it. I have little engery to fight the barrage of attacks he is sending my way.
In turn, I verbally assaulted hubby last night. Bringing up hurt from the addiction when that isn't the cause of the emotions that I am fighting with. I lashed out at him and what did he do? He hugged me, loved me. Which leaves me feeling like an awful person.
How can I say "I love you" when my actions didn't show that I love him?
How can I say "I'm sorry" when my words and actions said otherwise?
I am unsure of how to act around him or what to say to him. I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted to my fears and taking it out on him. I wish that I could rewind the clock and take it all back, but I can't. The damage has been done.
I am afriad of what could possibly happen to our relationship with the damage that I did.
I am afraid that the extra burdens placed on him during my surgery recovery will lead to him resenting me and create more of a rift in our relationship.
Bottom line....I am AFRAID. Very much AFRAID!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Lies & Truths
"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]" (2 Nephi 28:22)
Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's
Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis. Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again. It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.
I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.
A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place. I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me. I was feeling so down, so worthless. Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies.
Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."
"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."
Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.
If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ. He will lead us into captivity. He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.
We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."
After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me. He was compassionate and loving. He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told. That I am a daughter of God. He said the pain I was feeling could be a 'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.
Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing. I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie. Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.
In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer. "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)
One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me. With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted. I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me. That I am a daughter of God. That He knows me personally. That I am loved. That I am not worthless. I am of infinite worth to Him. That my Savior loves me. That I am NOT alone. That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.
"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come. The Spirit of truth is of God. I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)
I am grateful for this assignment. For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES! I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth. I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.
"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever. Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Control = Chaos
There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb. They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them. I have to admit that it has grown on me. I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots.
The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day. Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more. Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics. Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb. Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".
The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son. I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane".
The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy. She is driving herself crazy." Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.
As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace. I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction. I have checked his email. Looked at his text messages. Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.
I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life. A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me. Co-dependent? I think so.
What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction?
I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back! That he would quit doing things that hurt ME. That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself.
All of my efforts to control him were futile. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him even WANT to stop. He had to do this for himself. He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop. No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.
Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy. I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem. My life had become unmanageable.
In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions. Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction. If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?!
As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind. Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement! He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night. He is exhausting to say the least. The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel. I am powerless over him, a 2-year old. I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.
The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices. He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him. Control is NOT how the Lord opperates.
Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control. His plan was to not give us our agency. To essentially control our salvation. When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary. Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.
In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others). I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan. I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice. I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.
Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days. She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control.
I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have. I want to have peace, not chaos! I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband.
In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,
Control is not the Lord's way. I may be powerless, but I am not helpless. If I will turn to him in humility He will help me. He will guide me. He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life." And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me. I find great peace in these truths.
I will be like Candace no more.
The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy. She is driving herself crazy." Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.
As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace. I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction. I have checked his email. Looked at his text messages. Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.
I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life. A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me. Co-dependent? I think so.
What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction?
I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back! That he would quit doing things that hurt ME. That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself.
All of my efforts to control him were futile. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him even WANT to stop. He had to do this for himself. He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop. No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.
Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy. I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem. My life had become unmanageable.
In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions. Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction. If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?!
As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind. Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement! He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night. He is exhausting to say the least. The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel. I am powerless over him, a 2-year old. I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.
The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices. He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him. Control is NOT how the Lord opperates.
Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control. His plan was to not give us our agency. To essentially control our salvation. When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary. Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.
In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others). I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan. I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice. I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.
Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days. She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control.
I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have. I want to have peace, not chaos! I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband.
In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,
"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me. I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.
Control is not the Lord's way. I may be powerless, but I am not helpless. If I will turn to him in humility He will help me. He will guide me. He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life." And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me. I find great peace in these truths.
I will be like Candace no more.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I will not FEAR
Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state. I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery. In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him. It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction.
It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction. My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography? What IF he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them? What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has) What IF, What IF . . . ??
I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control. Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone. I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence. I was out of control. My FEAR was in control!
Not this time. Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached. It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.
It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,
It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction. My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography? What IF he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them? What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has) What IF, What IF . . . ??
I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control. Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone. I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence. I was out of control. My FEAR was in control!
Not this time. Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached. It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord. That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days. I know that He can bless me with a sound mind. With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind. My life.
It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,
"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to. We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."I choose to go to that "safe place". A place where I don't have to FEAR. A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power. His comfort. His love. I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord. I know that I can trust Him.
Happiness
Credit: Facebook
"Until we can learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will not be able to find peace in our own lives." ('Healing Through Christ' manual)
The more I work on my own recovery and let go of the things that I can't change about hubby or his addiction, I have begun to find HAPPINESS and PEACE. And it is beautiful! I am grateful for the 12-Step Program and the opportunity that I have to really look at myself and work on changing those things that I CAN change, and "let go of the things that I can't change". I know that the Lord is there to help me change those things in myself (& hubby) that I can't change on my own. Turning mymyself, as well as my husband, over to the Lord has been SO incredibly freeing and wonderful!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Like a Child
As I was laying in bed feeding my baby the other morning the thought came to me, "she has to depend on you for EVERYTHING, she can do nothing for herself." As I pondered on that statement several scriptures came to mind . . .
In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".
I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.
" . . . Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kindgdom of heaven. Whosoever therfore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4
" . . . be not children in understanding; howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men." 1 Corinthians 14:20
" . . . and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19What qualities do my my baby and young children posses that I might not? What can I learn from my young infant, from my young children that might help me as I work on my own sprititual growth?
"These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts. They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit. They exemplify humility, obedience, and love. They are often the first to love and the first to forgive." Jean A. Stevens, 2011 April General ConferenceI have always found it interesting when I get after one of my young children that they immediately turn to me for a hug. They have already forgiven me for being upset with them. How I wish that I would forgive as easily as children do.
In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".
I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)