Scriptural ramblings

This morning as I was reading in Alma 17, I came across several verses that really resonated with me.

3 ". . .they had given themselves to much prayer, and ^afasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with ^bpower and authority of God."

 5  ". . . for they had many afflictions; they did suffer much, both in body and in mind, . . . and also much ^alabor in the spirit."

 9 ". . . and they fasted much and ^aprayed much that the Lord would grant unto them a portion of his Spirit to go with them, and abide with them, . . ."

 10 "And it came to pass that the Lord did ^avisit them with his ^bSpirit, and said unto them: Be ^ccomforted.  And they were comforted."

11 "And the Lord said unto them also: . . . yet ye shall be ^apatient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good ^bexamples . . . and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls."

 29 ". . . I will show forth my power . . . or the power which is in me. . ."

Despite witnessing an angel of the Lord, they still had struggles.  They weren't given a free pass from trials and afflictions because they repented and devoted their lives to preaching the gospel to the Lamanites.  Just they opposite.  It says they "suffered much".  Physically, mentally, and even spiritually.

I was also reminded of Amulek, when it said Alma "took him [Amulek] to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord."  I also though of Joseph Smith.  He suffered so many trials and tribulations despite being the man chosen to help restore the Lord's church back on the earth. 

If these great men struggled why shouldn't I need to endure trials?  It is humbling to realize just how much these trials are a part of the plan and that I knew this before I chose to come to earth and receive a body.  I was excited and anxiously awaited my turn.  I rejoiced in the Savior's plan.  In a blessing I was told that I had faith in Him then, and that as I involve myself in His program my faith in Him will continue to increase. 

It says twice in this chapter that they [the sons of Mosiah] "fasted much and prayed much" that they might have "his Spirit to go with them".  Then it says the Lord said to them "be comforted" and they were. 

The last few weeks I have had a strong impression that I need to be fasting more often than just fast Sunday.  That I need to fast for specific help regarding the temptations I have in regards to my co-dependency as well as help with healing from the trauma that I am struggling to overcome.  If the sons of Mosiah had to "pray and fast much" why shouldn't I?  My hope is that by fasting with real intent more that I might be able to have "his spirit to go with me". 

As well as fasting I need to be better at praying throughout the day.  Sharing my feelings with the Lord in the moment rather than trying to deal with them on my own.  The more I acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and turn them over to the Lord the less I will have the desire to unleash on an unsuspecting Mr. Hopeful.

I believe as I am (as we all are) "patient in long-suffering and afflictions" that He will be able to "make me an instrument in his hands unto the salvation of many souls."  We are pioneers.  The WoPA's and the addicts.  We are ALL pioneers in this fight.   I believe as we work our recoveries and learn more about what it is we are dealing with we will be able to help other addicts and spouses alike, understand what it is they are dealing with, and how and WHERE to find help.

This trial stinks.  It hurts SO badly.  There are so many days where I don't think I can make it through the moment, let alone the entire day.  So many days where I feel like throwing up my arms and saying "I QUIT!  This is NOT what I signed on for.  I am DONE with all of it."  But I don't.  I am trying to see the blessings in it, although I readily admit that some days I fail miserably.   I do know, though, that I am not doing this alone.  I can't do it alone.

I loved verse 29 when Ammon says that he will "show forth my power, or the power which is in me".  The power for me to have the patience needed to endure this trial, to be changed, to forgive is not my own.  It is the power, GRACE, given to me by the Lord.  It is the Atonement at work in my life.  This is the only place that I (and Mr. Hopeful) can ever hope to find true, lasting recovery. 

I do not have power enough on my own to do ANYTHING.  But with Him, with my Savior, I can do EVERYTHING.

Worth

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues.  What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth. 

If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.

If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.

If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.

If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.

On and on it went.

It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself.  Felt that I had worth.

Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated!  I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc.  I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.  

In short, I wasn't enough. 

As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ".  As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me.  This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God. 

I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in.  I am a child of GOD.  I am His daughter.  And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH.  Infinite worth.

I am NOT what I do or do not do.  I am NOT how I look or what others think I am.  My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am.  I am of WORTH because I AM me.

One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness.  I tried to remind him that he is a child of God.  I shared with him the man I see.  The man that the Lord has allowed me to see.  While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself. 

I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him.  To which he said "No, but I need to".  I believe we all need to.  It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us.  (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)

Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes.  Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us.  One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,

"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."

Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict.  He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction. 

The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks.  The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God. 

My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation.  And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth.  I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.

Survived & Thrived

Right about now Mr. Hopeful is boarding the first of several airplanes on his way home from his business trip.  The count down is on . . . only 9 hours or so until he walks through the door.

I can't tell you how excited I am to see him.  To throw my arms around him and squeeze the life out of him. 

I was quite nervous for him to leave this week.  When Mr. Hopeful has traveled for work in the past it was a time of indulging in his addiction.  I always felt a disconnect, especially on the phone, but never quite understood why until the addiction came to light. 

So of course it goes without saying, business trips are a HUGE trigger for me.  I was worried about what could possibly happen this week.  I am reminded of this quote from the Healing Through Christ manual yesterday, " . . . worrying about them does not keep them from happening.  Worrying can make us 'terminally miserable', [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives." 

In the past, worrying all week about what Mr. Hopeful may or may not do has kept me from living MY life.  Worrying if he was lusting after women at the restaurant or driving along the freeway kept me from enjoying my children and the joy they bring to my life. 

This week was good.  I didn't worry.  I didn't fear.

 I survived.  I thrived!

Sure there were times when a thought of doubt would enter in, but those worries and fears were quickly dispelled.  If a thought troubled me more I said a prayer and asked that it be taken away. 

I felt much comfort and peace this week. 

Some of the things that we did, and will do for future trips (he has two more week long trips in the next month =( ), 1--had family prayer over the phone, 2--the kids prayed for us here at home and dad in their personal prayers, 3--Mr. Hopeful called to say a quick "Hi, I love you.  Hope your day is going well." everyday, 4--He and I attended meetings (by phone or in person), 5--Mr. Hopeful and I ended our nights by reading a talk or sharing something we learned from our meeting or the scriptures, 6--had couple prayer over the phone, 7--went to bed early. 

I had also asked Mr. Hopeful for a blessing previous to him leaving.  I will be asking for a blessing before each trip as I received much strength and comfort from this one.

Sparrow had mentioned that her husband had prayed "for his hotel room to be a place for the Spirit to reside."  Mr. Hopeful commented on how much he felt the spirit in his room as he did this.  Thanks Sparrow! ;)

Travel is a part of Mr. Hopeful's job and I am so grateful that he has a job, a good job, that provides SO much for our large family.  I know that as we turn to the Lord, He gives us, Mr. Hopeful, myself, and our family, the strength and peace to survive these difficult trips.  Not just survive, but to be happy.  To have hope.  To have strength to deal with the temptations and the fears.

To THRIVE.