Back and forth

Lately I have felt like a yo-yo.  I go back and forth on almost everything in regard to my relationship with H(Mr. Hopeful).  And really, it isn't just about my relationship with him.  It is my relationship with my kids, my Savior, everyone.  I feel so confused and I am sure H feels similar.  One minute I am "good" and happy and the next I am withdrawn and empty.

I want to be physically intimate and feel close during, however, not long after a sense of unease enters.  I am left questioning everything--his motives (did he see something earlier in the day to cause lustful thoughts and that is why he wants to be with me) and my motives (am I truly seeking physical connection or am I medicating negative emotions, looking for validation that I am "wanted", or am I lusting).  Was the connection I felt real or was it false?   

When we are intimate I want him to take in all of me, all of my body, yet I find myself recoiling when he gets to my ever-shrinking breasts.  One day I am planning on getting an augmentation and the next I feel I can't do that, how can I teach my daughter to love herself as she is if I can't. 

I want honesty and I want to believe.  Yet when H tells me that he is doing well and he hasn't indulged, hasn't lusted, fantasized, whatever; I don't believe him and have said as much to him which leaves him wondering why he should tell me anything if I won't believe it anyway.  I know this is Betrayal Trauma presenting itself, but it is so frustrating.  I want to believe, I want to trust.

I want H to find me attractive, to think I am beautiful.  But when he tells me I look nice or that I am beautiful I immediately question his motives.  Is he wanting "some" tonight?  I am dressed a little more trendy and young so does that mean he is only interested if I look like that? 
 
I want him to see him actively working his recovery (step work, meetings, etc), but hate that it takes away from time we can spend together.  So when I don't see him working his steps BECAUSE he is choosing to spending time with me then the thought comes in "He has stopped working his steps.  He has relapsed or is quickly heading in that direction".

So many conflicting thoughts roll around my head daily, it is exhausting.  I am emotionally, spiritually exhausted, and most times physically.

Like I said, so CONFUSING.  It doesn't make sense.  It truly is INSANITY at its worst!  

hard times

For as long as I can remember I have never felt good about myself.  I never much liked myself.  I never felt pretty enough.  I was never skinny enough.  And on and on.  I remember my younger sister and brother calling another brother and myself FAT.   

My high school boyfriend called me his  "kick me dog".  He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?"  I said "what do you mean?"  His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you."  I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say).  He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs).  My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin.  Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was.  My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ),  I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left.  I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."  

Looking back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up with it?   Why?  Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife.  My worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a million other things.  Finding out that my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women was literally crushing.  His actions backed up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth.  If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.

I am not gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard!  Mr. Hopeful did something last month, unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and physically.  His response to this particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I already felt.  It took me back to the last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then.  Back to my worthless feeling teenage self.  The recovery work I had done over the last 10 months or so went out the window.  I have been a mess.  Insanity has been my constant companion. 

It all came to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.  The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly, bitter, blaming, shaming fit.  To be honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done.  As in I can't live in this pain anymore.  I don't WANT to live in this pain anymore.  I just wanted it all over.  I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted that what did it matter what I did?  He didn't want me anyway so who cares?  INSANITY!! 

Thankfully, Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why).  He sent me an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel.  He was sharing it with me because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped that I might gain something from it.  He had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.  

More to come in the next post....

I encourage you to take the time to listen to this interview.  It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for my husband, and our bishop.  Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
 

It is right

 

credit

I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

The addict in me

Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December.  We hold hands and support each other as we share.  I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict."  I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others. 

I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction.  True.  I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict.  And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.

However, I will now be attending for another reason.  A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend.  I am Hopeful and I am an addict. 

I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict. 

I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him.  I felt that it was the least that he could do.  I deserve it.  He said that he would try.  That wasn't good enough for me.  I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.

I realize I was trying to control him.  Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better.  I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are.  I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet.  He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.

I progressed to a bad place.  A place of blaming and shaming.  Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not.  I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim.  I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.  I asked him to just put me out of my misery.  He would be better of without me.

And on and on. 

It was ugly.  I was awful.  I was cruel.

I could NOT stop myself.

I knew that I was being awful.  I knew that the spirit was unable to be there.  I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me.  I knew it was wrong. 

But I COULDN'T stop.

After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation.  I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly.  I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him.  I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.

The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind.  I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors.  No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.

Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."  I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation. 

It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God."  I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong.  They were the reason I was suffering.  They were the ones at fault.  Not me.

It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable".  While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday.  This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally."  My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.

I have been feeling the pains of my behavior.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy.  Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc.  Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord.  She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear.  Fear that I can't be changed.  Fear that I can't become better.  Tears streamed down my face as she told me this.  She described exactly how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I can't become better.  That I am unable of change. 

My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self  hate if I will turn them over to Him.  Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person.  He doesn't want me to feel those feelings.  Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him. 

I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are."  I have a long way to go, a very long way.  But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency. 

Roaring lion

In my previous post I mentioned that I allowed myself to "look back" last weekend.  Last Saturday I felt "off", I couldn't really explain why other than I just felt "off".  That should have been a red flag for me, as I have found that days like that are some of my hardest days.  Hubby and I ran to some stores and I was triggered A. LOT.  Sometimes I am able, with the Lord's help, to deal with the triggers.  That day I was not, in which I attribute a goodportion of that to my unwillingness to turn it over to the Lord.  The triggers left me feeling unattractive, worthless.  The feelings festered until I shared with hubby how I was feeling. 

That wasn't the end though, I wish it had been.  The next day, Sunday, the negative feelings persisted.  I failed to say my prayers because . . . I don't know why actually, other than I felt angry at the Lord.  Angry that he had let me marry a man that He knew was a porn addict.  Surely the Lord knew what pain and anguish would come to ME because of my husband's addiction.  Why would He give me confirmation that marrying my husband was good?  Why?   I went through the day bitter, angry, hurt, and isolated.  I knew that I was in Satan's grasp, but couldn't pull myself out and to be quite honest I felt justified in feeling the way I felt.  That night I layed in front of the fire and wrote a list of the many things I hate about myself--mostly physcial things that I feel make me unattractive and not of any worth.  If I am being honest, I was so down on myself, that I had thoughts of harming myself although those were short lived.  I felt that my Father in Heaven hadn't cared enough to save me from this pain, my husband obviously didn't care about me or want me otherwise he wouldn't have done what he has done, and on and on.  Yes, I was having a pity ME party, but I was the only one invited.

Monday morning started out the same--bitter, angry, and worthless feelings were eating me up.  I was definitely exhibiting some serious co-dependent behaviors (blaming, manipulating, etc).  I fianlly offered up a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to soften my heart.  I started to feel guilty for my ridiculous, childish behavior and went in while hubby was sleeping (he was home sick) and whispered "I love you."  I took the opportunity to apologize, only to turn around and start blaming again.  It was stupid!  Why couldn't I just let it go?  Why did I need to keep punishing him?  It was almost as if I was getting pleasure out of seeing him hurt, seeing him suffer for the pain that HE has caused me.  Why was I doing this and making him feel so terribly when I have already forgiven him?

Thankfully, through no power of my own, I was able to admit that I was horribly wrong.  I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I had allowed myself to give into satan, especially after having felt so much peace, comfort, forgiveness, and healing.  I invited the adversary to pull me into a dark place, a place that I don't want to venture to again.  I like what it says in 1 Peter 5:8

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (empahsis added)
 

He really is waiting for a weak moment when he can come in and "devour" me.  I need to be vigilant and turn to the Lord always otherwise he will destroy me. 

"Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you."  1 Peter 5:7 (empahsis added)
 

What peace this verse brings me.  I can cast my fears, my thoughts, my pain, everything upon Him becasue He cares for ME!  What a blessing this understanding is to me.  I know that I am NOT alone and that even if no one else does, He will always care for ME!

Not Forgotten

Shortly after hubby's most recent disclosure I was reading the conference addresses and this particular talk, "The Lord Has Not Forgotten You" by Linda S. Reeves brought much hope and peace to my aching heart. 

 

She shares one of her favorite stories from the Savior's life . . .the story of Lazarus.  Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus very much.  He was told that Lazarus was sick, but didn't he did not go right away  to Lazarus.  Instead He said,

“this sickness is … for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.”

Lazarus died and after two days Jesus went to Mary and Martha.  Mary was so overcome with sorrow that she threw herself at the Savior's feet and wept. 

 We are told that “when Jesus therefore saw [Mary] weeping, … he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,” 

The Savior asked where they had laid Lazarus  

Then we read some of the most compassionate, loving words in scripture: “Jesus wept.”.

 Apostle James E. Talmage wrote, “The sight of the two women so overcome by grief … caused Jesus to sorrow [with them] so that He groaned in spirit and was deeply troubled.” This experience testifies of the compassion, empathy, and love that our Savior and our Heavenly Father feel for each of us every time we are weighed down by the anguish, sin, adversity, and pains of life.

 Dear sisters, our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, know us and love us. They know when we are in pain or suffering in any way. They do not say, “It’s OK that you’re in pain right now because soon everything is going to be all right. You will be healed, or your husband will find a job, or your wandering child will come back.” They feel the depth of our suffering, and we can feel of Their love and compassion in our suffering.
 

She then shared Alma 7:11-12:

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him … their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know … how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (empahsis added)

 

In the wake of hubby's disclosure I had felt forgotten.  How could Heavenly Father let this happen to me?  Why didn't He give me some warning or sign that something was wrong in my marriage, that my husband was hurting so much inside that he had no regard for me, for our family.  I felt so low and forgotten that unfortunately I didn't think to pray.  However, my Father in Heaven offered me a tender mercy by leading me to this article to le me know that He hadn't forgotten me, that he was very aware of me and my struggles.

 

Looking back, I now see that I had to hit a "rock bottom" of my own in order for me to turn to my Father in Heaven and my Savior.  This talk helped me to see that despite what my husband does or does not do, that my Savior is there to give me hope, peace, healing, love, and forgiveness.  I just need to turn to HIM and turn my will over to Him.

He has not forgotten you! Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He knows and understands those very moments. He loves you! And He will carry you through those moments, just as He did Mary and Martha. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell Him about your pain and afflictions and then give them to Him. Search the scriptures daily. There you will also find great solace and help. (empahsis added)

This talk brought me so much hope and peace at a time when I didn't think I would ever be able to be happy again that I decided that this would be the title of my recovery blog.  It server as a constant reminder that He hasn't forgotten me, that He loves me, that He understands.

My story

I have struggled for quite some time whether or not to start a blog mainly because I read all the other blogs of wifes & addicts and I feel so inadequate.  I am not as good with words as others, I don't remember the things I read very well so recalling a quote or scripture to go along with my topic is hard, and so many other reasons.  However, as I have layed in bed the last couple of mornings I have been impressed to start a blog, even if it is just to journal my path to recovery.  So here goes . . .

 

In October 2011 several things--finding out about a friend's husbands infidelity, a family friend calling my husband asking for help because he (the friend) had a "problem" looking at inappropriate stuff online, and my husband's increasing depression--led up to me finding out that my husband was addicted pornography and masturbation.  I will say that there were two times previous to this when hubby had told me that he had looked at pornography, but I was led to believe they were just "little" slips of judgement.  I was naive and didn't understand, or want to understand, that this was something much BIGGER than just a couple incidents.  The truth slowly and painfully trickled out as I prodded for more understanding.  He wasn't very forthcoming with any of the truth, which hurt more.  I never felt like he was being honest with me. I found out that this had been a problem our ENTIRE marriage. I was heartbroken and felt that our 14 years of marriage had all been a LIE!  I felt empty, broken, worthless, unwanted, unattractive, etc.  I wanted to be wanted like he wanted the women he would look at.  I wanted to be the ONLY woman that he thought about, the only woman that he wanted to be with.  I wanted to be cherished.  I hated that he looked at that smut, that it was more "important" to him than his wife, his kids, his job, our marriage.  I was determined to get it out of his life, out of MY marriage.  So I dove headfirst into fixing him.  I got the LDS ARP manual for him and we began to study it at night together.  We would pray together.  I would remind him to say his prayers.  WE were going to beat this TOGETHER!  He attended several PASG meetings until his business travel got in the way, but things were good!  Then I got pregnant and we all know with that comes consuming tiredness, sickness, and body changes that make a woman, at least make myself, feel less than attractive.  I became consumed with taking care of my children, the baby growing in my belly, and the household chores that our study and prayers fell to the wayside.  I felt like things were going pretty good with us, with HIM, but life was CRAZY with back-to-school, sports, work, a new baby, etc.  It seemed like hubby and I hardly talked about ANYTHING anymore, especially the elephant in the room--his addiciton.  I felt like something was "off" but wasn't sure if it was the baby blues and the constant demands of our large family.  Almost a year after the first D-day, I couldn't take the uneasiness that I felt and blew up at hubby, accusing him of being/acting differently since returning from his most recent business trip.  He left for a hunting trip and nothing more was said.  Almost a week after my outburst we sat down to talk one evening and I finally found the nerve to ask hubby how he was doing in regards to the addiciton.  He said that he had been doing pretty good.  He hadn't viewed anything on his business trips or masturbated since it all came out a year ago.  He admitted that he had seen a movie trailer on youtube and when he realized what it was he turned it off.  We had a good night, but I just couldn't shake the uneasiness that I still felt.  So the next day I got onto youtube to look up the movie trailer he had mentioned.  I quickly realized that he HAD to know exactly what the trailer was about based just off the small photo.   I called him at work and accused him, he quickly tried to backpedal as he realized he had been found out.  I hung up and wouldn't answer his calls.  I was SO hurt.  The pain almost seemed worse this time around.  I was already struggling terribly with my body image as I had just recently had a baby and was feeling jiggly and overweight.  The pain of finding out that he was back to looking at stuff was crushing, I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  He ended up coming home and I threw accusations at him left and right as he denied them all.  Eventually hubby admitted that he had started looking at youtube videos out of boredom and were benign--how-to videos, car crashes, etc.  However, as he let his guard down it became easy for him to slip into old ways.  Hubby said he was ready to have it out of his life, but didn't really make big changes to support that.    I would have good days and then I would have some REALLY bad days.  While he was on yet another business trip I became so upset at him.  Here I was at home dealing with OUR kids, maintaining OUR home, missing HIM all the while I was sure that he was indulging himself in his addiction (he wasn't).  When he returned home things weren't good and I lashed out with all the hurt, anger, disappointment that I had been feeling about him, the addiction, ALL. OF. IT.  I told him of a boundary that I had set while he was away--I will NOT live with someone that is NOT in recovery.  I simply could NOT deal with the emotional distress that comes when he is in his addiction.  So I left in a fury!  I ended up coming home for fear that he might do something drastic, but we both ended up sleeping in seperate rooms.  He went to work the next day, but ended up coming home after I wouldn't return any of his calls.  There was no way that I could talk to him.  I was so broken, so angry, so disgusted, and on and on.  He ended up visiting with the bishop that day.  Eventually we ended up talking and made a decision that we wanted to work through our individual problems, each working our own recovery.  I am happy to say that he has been doing amazing!  I know that it is only through the Lord that hubby has been doing so well.  I have had good days with some bad days mixed in here and there.  Thanksgiving was a turning point for us.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue in the relationship as the pain was too much for me.  I couldn't go to a store, the kids' school, ANYWHERE without seeing a woman that was better looking, skinnier, etc than I was.  I was sure that everywhere we went he was fantasizing about all the other women.  I told hubby that I wasn't going with him to his parents for Thanksgiving, I was D.O.N.E. and wasn't going to pretend that everything was honky dory with us.  I can't say what made me change my mind other than I am sure that it was the Lord softening my heart of ice.  I ended up going to Thanksgiving and it was great!  I felt the spirit of the Lord giving me hope and peace as I opened my heart to HIM.  I was taught some things about myself through the spirit as was hubby.  We came home knowing that our Father in Heaven is aware of each of us, individually and as a couple.  He is there to help us on our journeys of recovery and healing.  We began attending LDS PASG meetings (seperately) and an LDS ARP recovery meeting (together).  And that my friends is what has brought me to this point . . . sorry for the long-winded story.  I look forward to sharing my journey of healing and recovery.