Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December. We hold hands and support each other as we share. I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict." I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others.
I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction. True. I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict. And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.
However, I will now be attending for another reason. A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend. I am Hopeful and I am an addict.
I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict.
I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him. I felt that it was the least that he could do. I deserve it. He said that he would try. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.
I realize I was trying to control him. Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better. I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are. I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet. He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.
I progressed to a bad place. A place of blaming and shaming. Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not. I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim. I told him that I didn't want to live anymore. I asked him to just put me out of my misery. He would be better of without me.
And on and on.
It was ugly. I was awful. I was cruel.
I could NOT stop myself.
I knew that I was being awful. I knew that the spirit was unable to be there. I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me. I knew it was wrong.
But I COULDN'T stop.
After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation. I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly. I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him. I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.
The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind. I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors. No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.
Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation.
It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God." I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong. They were the reason I was suffering. They were the ones at fault. Not me.
It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable". While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday. This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally." My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.
I have been feeling the pains of my behavior. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy. Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc. Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord. She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear. Fear that I can't be changed. Fear that I can't become better. Tears streamed down my face as she told me this. She described exactly how I am feeling. I am afraid that I can't become better. That I am unable of change.
My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self hate if I will turn them over to Him. Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person. He doesn't want me to feel those feelings. Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him.
I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are." I have a long way to go, a very long way. But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency.
Showing posts with label 12 steps. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 12 steps. Show all posts
Monday, March 11, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Lies & Truths
"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]" (2 Nephi 28:22)
Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's
Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis. Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again. It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.
I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.
A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place. I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me. I was feeling so down, so worthless. Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies.
Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."
"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."
Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.
If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ. He will lead us into captivity. He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.
We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."
After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me. He was compassionate and loving. He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told. That I am a daughter of God. He said the pain I was feeling could be a 'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.
Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing. I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie. Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.
In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer. "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)
One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me. With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted. I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me. That I am a daughter of God. That He knows me personally. That I am loved. That I am not worthless. I am of infinite worth to Him. That my Savior loves me. That I am NOT alone. That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.
"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come. The Spirit of truth is of God. I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)
I am grateful for this assignment. For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES! I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth. I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.
"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever. Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Control = Chaos
There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb. They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them. I have to admit that it has grown on me. I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots.
The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day. Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more. Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics. Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb. Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".
The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son. I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane".
The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy. She is driving herself crazy." Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.
As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace. I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction. I have checked his email. Looked at his text messages. Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.
I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life. A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me. Co-dependent? I think so.
What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction?
I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back! That he would quit doing things that hurt ME. That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself.
All of my efforts to control him were futile. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him even WANT to stop. He had to do this for himself. He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop. No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.
Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy. I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem. My life had become unmanageable.
In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions. Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction. If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?!
As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind. Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement! He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night. He is exhausting to say the least. The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel. I am powerless over him, a 2-year old. I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.
The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices. He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him. Control is NOT how the Lord opperates.
Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control. His plan was to not give us our agency. To essentially control our salvation. When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary. Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.
In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others). I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan. I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice. I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.
Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days. She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control.
I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have. I want to have peace, not chaos! I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband.
In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,
Control is not the Lord's way. I may be powerless, but I am not helpless. If I will turn to him in humility He will help me. He will guide me. He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life." And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me. I find great peace in these truths.
I will be like Candace no more.
The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy. She is driving herself crazy." Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.
As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace. I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction. I have checked his email. Looked at his text messages. Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.
I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life. A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me. Co-dependent? I think so.
What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction?
I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back! That he would quit doing things that hurt ME. That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself.
All of my efforts to control him were futile. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him even WANT to stop. He had to do this for himself. He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop. No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.
Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy. I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem. My life had become unmanageable.
In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions. Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction. If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?!
As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind. Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement! He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night. He is exhausting to say the least. The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel. I am powerless over him, a 2-year old. I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.
The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices. He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him. Control is NOT how the Lord opperates.
Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control. His plan was to not give us our agency. To essentially control our salvation. When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary. Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.
In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others). I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan. I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice. I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.
Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days. She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control.
I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have. I want to have peace, not chaos! I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband.
In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,
"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me. I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.
Control is not the Lord's way. I may be powerless, but I am not helpless. If I will turn to him in humility He will help me. He will guide me. He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life." And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me. I find great peace in these truths.
I will be like Candace no more.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Big step
Yesterday I made a scary step in my recovery. I made a call to a sponsor, a woman I have never met. I have had her phone number for a few weeks and have been unable to muster up the nerve to call.
What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?
I was really struggling Thursday. I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise. I was feeling very down on myself. I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously. I was awful. I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain. It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.
After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction. I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues. I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave. Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever. It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.
This was a HUGE wake up call for me. I don't want to go on like this. I can't go on like this. Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING. I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary.
I need help. Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart. I need to address my own addicitions. My own character flaws. I need the peace that only my Savior can give me.
I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor. Of working a "Thirty in Thirty". I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation.
I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it. I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.
I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery!
What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?
I was really struggling Thursday. I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise. I was feeling very down on myself. I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously. I was awful. I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain. It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.
After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction. I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues. I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave. Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever. It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.
This was a HUGE wake up call for me. I don't want to go on like this. I can't go on like this. Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING. I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary.
I need help. Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart. I need to address my own addicitions. My own character flaws. I need the peace that only my Savior can give me.
I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor. Of working a "Thirty in Thirty". I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation.
I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it. I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.
I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I will not FEAR
Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state. I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery. In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him. It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction.
It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction. My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography? What IF he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them? What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has) What IF, What IF . . . ??
I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control. Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone. I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence. I was out of control. My FEAR was in control!
Not this time. Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached. It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.
It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,
It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction. My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography? What IF he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them? What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has) What IF, What IF . . . ??
I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control. Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone. I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence. I was out of control. My FEAR was in control!
Not this time. Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached. It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord. That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days. I know that He can bless me with a sound mind. With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind. My life.
It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,
"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to. We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."I choose to go to that "safe place". A place where I don't have to FEAR. A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power. His comfort. His love. I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord. I know that I can trust Him.
Happiness
Credit: Facebook
"Until we can learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will not be able to find peace in our own lives." ('Healing Through Christ' manual)
The more I work on my own recovery and let go of the things that I can't change about hubby or his addiction, I have begun to find HAPPINESS and PEACE. And it is beautiful! I am grateful for the 12-Step Program and the opportunity that I have to really look at myself and work on changing those things that I CAN change, and "let go of the things that I can't change". I know that the Lord is there to help me change those things in myself (& hubby) that I can't change on my own. Turning mymyself, as well as my husband, over to the Lord has been SO incredibly freeing and wonderful!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Like a Child
As I was laying in bed feeding my baby the other morning the thought came to me, "she has to depend on you for EVERYTHING, she can do nothing for herself." As I pondered on that statement several scriptures came to mind . . .
In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".
I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.
" . . . Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kindgdom of heaven. Whosoever therfore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4
" . . . be not children in understanding; howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men." 1 Corinthians 14:20
" . . . and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19What qualities do my my baby and young children posses that I might not? What can I learn from my young infant, from my young children that might help me as I work on my own sprititual growth?
"These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts. They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit. They exemplify humility, obedience, and love. They are often the first to love and the first to forgive." Jean A. Stevens, 2011 April General ConferenceI have always found it interesting when I get after one of my young children that they immediately turn to me for a hug. They have already forgiven me for being upset with them. How I wish that I would forgive as easily as children do.
In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".
I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.
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