Unwanted

Years ago, when I was between 10 and 12 years old (I don't remember for sure how old I was), I was looking through some of my parent's photo albums.  I remember coming across a picture of my mom from their wedding reception.  It was a side view and I remember her bouquet resting on her stomach which seemed to protrude out a bit.  I then started doing some math in my head--they were married in early 1978 and was born halfway through 1978.  It didn't add up to 9 months, it could have if I had been born early, but I wasn't.  So I asked my mom about it.  She told me that she and my dad had made a mistake and got married halfway through their senior year.  I was born shortly after they graduated.

To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said.  What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake.  Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.

As a youth I always needed a boyfriend.  I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me.  So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband.  I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm).  I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.

When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way.  Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted.  But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.

When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary).  It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me.  He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough.  I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night  in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me.  He always came.  He wanted me.

Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him.  Suddenly I felt unwanted again.  Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him.  I wanted to curl up and die.

Our first year was HELL!   I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away.  Sex was just that, sex.  There was no connection, no intimacy.  Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart.  I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means.  I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used.  I said hurtful things and I was cruel.  I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away.  He made a mistake marrying me.  Here I was again, someone else's mistake.  UNWANTED was how I felt.

When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever.  My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage.  He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me.  He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me.  He was choosing his addiction over everything!  Although he doesn't feel that way.

I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted.  They didn't get to choose me though.  They got who was sent to them.  M on the other hand chose me.  I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.

I  know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me.  I doesn't feel that way at all.  I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me.  The man that promised to love me, CHOSE  thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me.  He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.

His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted.  It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing.  That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage.  It doesn't show me that he wants me.

I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about.  I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees.  How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him?  I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.

I just want to feel wanted.  I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me.  :(

It is right

 

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I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Addo Recovery

Like many of the other WoPA's, I was contacted by Eric Red of Addo Recovery in UT, an organization that specializes in helping women who have been hurt by pornography and sexual addiction.

Here is a link to their prelaunch site http://www.addorecovery.com/
**Make sure you click the word "watch" to see a video of an overview of their program.

They are giving away--FREE--100 seats to their workshop 'Healing From Betrayal Trauma'. The workshop (normally $239.99) includes therapy with one of the nations foremost in Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Dr. Kevin Skinner, as well as unlimited access to our online recovery tool. To learn more about the class, go HERE. The content this class provides has helped many with the Betrayal Trauma stemming from their spouses pornography or sexual addiction. 

Sign up for FREE by April 17th!!! Only ONE day left!

W. Eric Red

Managing Director, Addo Recovery

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Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

The addict in me

Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December.  We hold hands and support each other as we share.  I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict."  I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others. 

I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction.  True.  I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict.  And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.

However, I will now be attending for another reason.  A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend.  I am Hopeful and I am an addict. 

I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict. 

I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him.  I felt that it was the least that he could do.  I deserve it.  He said that he would try.  That wasn't good enough for me.  I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.

I realize I was trying to control him.  Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better.  I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are.  I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet.  He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.

I progressed to a bad place.  A place of blaming and shaming.  Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not.  I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim.  I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.  I asked him to just put me out of my misery.  He would be better of without me.

And on and on. 

It was ugly.  I was awful.  I was cruel.

I could NOT stop myself.

I knew that I was being awful.  I knew that the spirit was unable to be there.  I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me.  I knew it was wrong. 

But I COULDN'T stop.

After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation.  I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly.  I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him.  I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.

The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind.  I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors.  No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.

Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."  I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation. 

It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God."  I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong.  They were the reason I was suffering.  They were the ones at fault.  Not me.

It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable".  While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday.  This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally."  My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.

I have been feeling the pains of my behavior.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy.  Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc.  Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord.  She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear.  Fear that I can't be changed.  Fear that I can't become better.  Tears streamed down my face as she told me this.  She described exactly how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I can't become better.  That I am unable of change. 

My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self  hate if I will turn them over to Him.  Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person.  He doesn't want me to feel those feelings.  Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him. 

I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are."  I have a long way to go, a very long way.  But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency. 

Love

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Today is Valentine's Day.  I know for many WoPA's (Wife of Porn Addicts) this day is not the best day of the year.  Too many of us are painfully reminded of the hurt and betrayal of our spouse's addiction.  It can be hard to want to feel love for someone that has hurt us so deeply.

 

When I first found out about hubby's addiction I was so hurt and so angry that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore.   I struggled knowing that I had spent 15 years loving him only to learn that he didn't love me enough to NOT do what he was doing.  I didn't understand addiction and what it had done to his mind.  I didn't understand that he did love me, but his ability to love others and to feel love was crippled.

 

After much prayer and asking to see hubby as the Lord sees him, I can honestly say that the Lord has blessed me with a greater love and compassion for my husband.  A love that continues to grow and deepen.

 

I love hubby's willingness to share his testimony with those around him, especially with myself and our children.  He loves the Savior and all that He has done for him.

 

I love when he wrestles with our older boys and when he patiently reads the same two or three books over and over to our 2 year old.  He is a great dad.

 

I love the example of hard work he is to our children.  I love that he desires to teach them how to work and the importance of it.

 

I love him for all he does to support his family, to provide us with a good life.

 

I love him for all he does to help me out around the house--sweeping, washing dishes, picking up after the kids, bathing kids, getting up early to make lunches and get the kids off to school, and so much more.

 

I love him for loving me when I am at my worst.

 

I love him for his sincere compliments of me.

I love his quirky sense of humor and that after 16 years together he can still make me laugh.

 

I love that he takes our boys fishing and enjoys spending time with them. 

 

I love to see him hold his baby girl and see the love he feels for her.  He is so gentle and loving to her.

 

I love that he supports me in my own recovery and is excited when I  share things with him.

 

I love that he shares insights and things he has learned from his personal study with me.  He teaches me and has helped me understand many things of the gospel.

I love him for never blaming his addiction on me.  He always made me feel attractive and loved.  He was never mean or angry. 

 

I love that he enjoys so many different foods and is always encouraging me to try new and different meals for our family.

 

I admire him for his courage in attending his group meetings.  He is such an example of humility.

 

I love him for the man that he is becoming.  For the changes that the Lord is bringing about in him.

 

I love when he hugs me tightly upon coming home from work and then again throughout the evening.

 

I love him for his patience with me as I try to work my way through the trauma that I have experienced.  Even when it means the anger is aimed at him.  He is understanding, gentle, and loving.

 

I love that he is able to help our boys with homework problems that I can't help them with.  I love that he is willing to do so.

 

I love that he enjoys gardening and the joy that growing a successful garden brings him.

 

I love his tender heart and admire his ability to cry when the spirit touches him. 

 

I love the happiness I see in his eyes.  I love hearing him laugh and seeing him smile.

 

I love hearing him pray and feeling of his love for our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

 

I love that he is my best friend.  I love that we can cry together.  We can laugh together and enjoy each other's company.

 

I love that he loves me despite my many weaknesses.   I love that he sees me for who I can be.

 

I love that he strives to live every day to bring the spirit into his life, into our marriage, and into our home.  He is a great example to me of turning his will over to the Lord.

 

My heart is full of gratitude for my husband.  He is a good man.  A great father.  A good husband.  He is working hard to become an even better man, dad, and husband.  I love him so much for that.  He is a great example to me and our children.  I am grateful to the Lord for blessing me with the ability to see all the good in my husband.  To see him as the Lord sees him and see a glimpse of his potential.

My story

I have struggled for quite some time whether or not to start a blog mainly because I read all the other blogs of wifes & addicts and I feel so inadequate.  I am not as good with words as others, I don't remember the things I read very well so recalling a quote or scripture to go along with my topic is hard, and so many other reasons.  However, as I have layed in bed the last couple of mornings I have been impressed to start a blog, even if it is just to journal my path to recovery.  So here goes . . .

 

In October 2011 several things--finding out about a friend's husbands infidelity, a family friend calling my husband asking for help because he (the friend) had a "problem" looking at inappropriate stuff online, and my husband's increasing depression--led up to me finding out that my husband was addicted pornography and masturbation.  I will say that there were two times previous to this when hubby had told me that he had looked at pornography, but I was led to believe they were just "little" slips of judgement.  I was naive and didn't understand, or want to understand, that this was something much BIGGER than just a couple incidents.  The truth slowly and painfully trickled out as I prodded for more understanding.  He wasn't very forthcoming with any of the truth, which hurt more.  I never felt like he was being honest with me. I found out that this had been a problem our ENTIRE marriage. I was heartbroken and felt that our 14 years of marriage had all been a LIE!  I felt empty, broken, worthless, unwanted, unattractive, etc.  I wanted to be wanted like he wanted the women he would look at.  I wanted to be the ONLY woman that he thought about, the only woman that he wanted to be with.  I wanted to be cherished.  I hated that he looked at that smut, that it was more "important" to him than his wife, his kids, his job, our marriage.  I was determined to get it out of his life, out of MY marriage.  So I dove headfirst into fixing him.  I got the LDS ARP manual for him and we began to study it at night together.  We would pray together.  I would remind him to say his prayers.  WE were going to beat this TOGETHER!  He attended several PASG meetings until his business travel got in the way, but things were good!  Then I got pregnant and we all know with that comes consuming tiredness, sickness, and body changes that make a woman, at least make myself, feel less than attractive.  I became consumed with taking care of my children, the baby growing in my belly, and the household chores that our study and prayers fell to the wayside.  I felt like things were going pretty good with us, with HIM, but life was CRAZY with back-to-school, sports, work, a new baby, etc.  It seemed like hubby and I hardly talked about ANYTHING anymore, especially the elephant in the room--his addiciton.  I felt like something was "off" but wasn't sure if it was the baby blues and the constant demands of our large family.  Almost a year after the first D-day, I couldn't take the uneasiness that I felt and blew up at hubby, accusing him of being/acting differently since returning from his most recent business trip.  He left for a hunting trip and nothing more was said.  Almost a week after my outburst we sat down to talk one evening and I finally found the nerve to ask hubby how he was doing in regards to the addiciton.  He said that he had been doing pretty good.  He hadn't viewed anything on his business trips or masturbated since it all came out a year ago.  He admitted that he had seen a movie trailer on youtube and when he realized what it was he turned it off.  We had a good night, but I just couldn't shake the uneasiness that I still felt.  So the next day I got onto youtube to look up the movie trailer he had mentioned.  I quickly realized that he HAD to know exactly what the trailer was about based just off the small photo.   I called him at work and accused him, he quickly tried to backpedal as he realized he had been found out.  I hung up and wouldn't answer his calls.  I was SO hurt.  The pain almost seemed worse this time around.  I was already struggling terribly with my body image as I had just recently had a baby and was feeling jiggly and overweight.  The pain of finding out that he was back to looking at stuff was crushing, I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  He ended up coming home and I threw accusations at him left and right as he denied them all.  Eventually hubby admitted that he had started looking at youtube videos out of boredom and were benign--how-to videos, car crashes, etc.  However, as he let his guard down it became easy for him to slip into old ways.  Hubby said he was ready to have it out of his life, but didn't really make big changes to support that.    I would have good days and then I would have some REALLY bad days.  While he was on yet another business trip I became so upset at him.  Here I was at home dealing with OUR kids, maintaining OUR home, missing HIM all the while I was sure that he was indulging himself in his addiction (he wasn't).  When he returned home things weren't good and I lashed out with all the hurt, anger, disappointment that I had been feeling about him, the addiction, ALL. OF. IT.  I told him of a boundary that I had set while he was away--I will NOT live with someone that is NOT in recovery.  I simply could NOT deal with the emotional distress that comes when he is in his addiction.  So I left in a fury!  I ended up coming home for fear that he might do something drastic, but we both ended up sleeping in seperate rooms.  He went to work the next day, but ended up coming home after I wouldn't return any of his calls.  There was no way that I could talk to him.  I was so broken, so angry, so disgusted, and on and on.  He ended up visiting with the bishop that day.  Eventually we ended up talking and made a decision that we wanted to work through our individual problems, each working our own recovery.  I am happy to say that he has been doing amazing!  I know that it is only through the Lord that hubby has been doing so well.  I have had good days with some bad days mixed in here and there.  Thanksgiving was a turning point for us.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue in the relationship as the pain was too much for me.  I couldn't go to a store, the kids' school, ANYWHERE without seeing a woman that was better looking, skinnier, etc than I was.  I was sure that everywhere we went he was fantasizing about all the other women.  I told hubby that I wasn't going with him to his parents for Thanksgiving, I was D.O.N.E. and wasn't going to pretend that everything was honky dory with us.  I can't say what made me change my mind other than I am sure that it was the Lord softening my heart of ice.  I ended up going to Thanksgiving and it was great!  I felt the spirit of the Lord giving me hope and peace as I opened my heart to HIM.  I was taught some things about myself through the spirit as was hubby.  We came home knowing that our Father in Heaven is aware of each of us, individually and as a couple.  He is there to help us on our journeys of recovery and healing.  We began attending LDS PASG meetings (seperately) and an LDS ARP recovery meeting (together).  And that my friends is what has brought me to this point . . . sorry for the long-winded story.  I look forward to sharing my journey of healing and recovery.