Working toward it

 

There were a few talks that really stood out to me from General Conference this past weekend--loved Elder Holland's talk.  Among my favorites was the talk on terrific marriages by Elder L. Whitney Clayton. 

 

"No other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement."  Because of the sacred nature marriage, it can also bring the most pain and heartache, as we WoPA's have experienced.  I know for many of the wives this talk was very triggering, which is understandable considering the destruction lust addiction has had on our marriages.  It was a painful reminder of the marriages we don't have and possibly will never have if we and our husband's don't choose recovery.  For myself, however, I found great peace and hope in this talk.

 

While Mr. Hopeful and I are far from having a terrific marriage, this talk is a great "road map", like Sparrow commented on another blog, for us to follow in order to achieve a terrific marriage.  A true CELESTIAL marriage. 

 

Elder Clayton's words brought hope to my heart as I was able to look at our marriage and say "Hey, we are doing that and we are working on that."

 

Mr. Hopeful and I are "working side by side doing the most important work there is, the work we do in our own homes."   We are united in teaching our children and doing the things that invite the spirit into our home--FHE, prayer, scripture study, etc.  We share in the privilege of putting our little ones to bed and saying individual prayers with them.  We find great joy in spending time with our older kids and talking to them about their days. 

 

Every night we "retire to bed together" and study our own recovery steps, read a talk together, journal, or study the scriptures.  This usually ends up in discussions on where we are at in our individual recovery's as well as the recovery of our marriage and family.  We now call our bed one of our "holy places" as so many tender spiritual experiences have taken place as we are laying in our bed.  We joke that we are never going to get rid of our bed.

 

Elder Clayton says, "Transparency is a key element.  There should be no secrets about relevant matters in marriages . . ."  Mr. Hopeful and I are working toward this.  There has been HUGE changes in transparency for both him and I.  It is a process and as we are patient and forgiving of each other I know it will continue to improve. 

 

"Happy marriages rely on repentance."  I am striving daily to take a honest look at myself and see if there is anything in behavior toward my husband that I need to repent of.  If there is, then I quickly apologize and repent of it.

 

"Strengthening faith, strengthens marriage"  As we both work our own recovery's we are strengthening our faith which is in turn strengthening our marriage.  I was reminded of the God/Marriage Triangle when I heard this part of Elder Clayton's talk.

As a husband and wife draw closer to God, they also come closer to each other. As they come closer to God, they develop more attributes that are essential for a relationship to last for years upon years. These characteristics include respect, forgiveness, repentance, love, and compassion. As couples are working at drawing closer to God, they are able to maintain an intimate connection for a significant longer period of time.

 

 

Other than our individual relationship's with the Lord, our marriage is our "first priority".  We are making time to really connect with each other, to laugh together, to cry together, to parent together, to study together.  We are doing this TOGETHER.  I am grateful that HE wants to do it with ME.  And that I want to do it with HIM.  If I am honest, there was a time when I wondered if I did. 

 

Most importantly, we are doing it TOGETHER with the Lord.  It can't work any other way. 

 

There were some quotes from Elder Clayton's talk that stood out as something that I need to work on to strengthen our marriage.  Too often I find myself lashing out at Mr. Hopeful when I allow the negative emotions and thoughts dominate.  Fears and doubts cloud my mind leading me to pain shop and wield my weapons of war.  Instead, I need to "answer softly and listen kindly." 

 

I am grateful for this inspired talk and the hope that it gives me that Mr. Hopeful and I can have a "Terrific Marriage" despite the difficulties that we are facing and will undoubtedly face in the future.       

Weapons of War

credit

 

Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)

 

Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip.  To say I am nervous is an understatement. 

 

I am TERRIFIED!

 

I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more.  I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction.  Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him. 

 

I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.

 

I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate.  We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling.  Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing. 

 

The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away.  In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone.  That there was always something more important for him to be doing.  I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted.  Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.

 

During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me.  I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode.  It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused. 

 

Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away.  I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore.  I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again. 

 

I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore.  I know he knows he has hurt me.  I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart.  I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away. 

 

And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc.  To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah."  "And what about the time you said blankity blank."   Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.

 

I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said.  She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go off".  The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband.  I recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!" 

 

Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war.  "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19).  They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright".  That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18). 

 

"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war".  I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me.  But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it.  Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him?  Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?

 

As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.  

 

Literally bury it. 

 

Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.  

 

And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried.  The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons. 

 

With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.

I
 have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.

Now to go find the place of burial.  I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole.