hard times

For as long as I can remember I have never felt good about myself.  I never much liked myself.  I never felt pretty enough.  I was never skinny enough.  And on and on.  I remember my younger sister and brother calling another brother and myself FAT.   

My high school boyfriend called me his  "kick me dog".  He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?"  I said "what do you mean?"  His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you."  I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say).  He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs).  My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin.  Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was.  My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ),  I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left.  I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."  

Looking back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up with it?   Why?  Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife.  My worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a million other things.  Finding out that my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women was literally crushing.  His actions backed up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth.  If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.

I am not gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard!  Mr. Hopeful did something last month, unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and physically.  His response to this particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I already felt.  It took me back to the last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then.  Back to my worthless feeling teenage self.  The recovery work I had done over the last 10 months or so went out the window.  I have been a mess.  Insanity has been my constant companion. 

It all came to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.  The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly, bitter, blaming, shaming fit.  To be honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done.  As in I can't live in this pain anymore.  I don't WANT to live in this pain anymore.  I just wanted it all over.  I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted that what did it matter what I did?  He didn't want me anyway so who cares?  INSANITY!! 

Thankfully, Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why).  He sent me an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel.  He was sharing it with me because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped that I might gain something from it.  He had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.  

More to come in the next post....

I encourage you to take the time to listen to this interview.  It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for my husband, and our bishop.  Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
 

Satan's Secret Strategy

Yesterday morning, after the alarm had gone off, Mr. Hopeful and I cuddled up in bed and had a great conversation.  A discussion about shame and how it keeps each of us from being involved in groups of people (ward functions, family functions, etc).  He feels like shrinking because of things he has done in the past.  He feels ugly and dirty, despite knowing that he is clean and forgiven.  I, too, feel ugly and unworthy of being in others' presence.

When he left the bed for work we both had learned things about ourselves.  We learned that what we thought was fear keeping us from getting involved with others is actually feelings of shame.  He emailed me an article that he had stumbled across almost by accident.  I believe he was led to find it as it went right along with the discussion we had just a couple hours earlier. 

I would like to share it with you as I believe shame is one of the key factors in what we and our husbands are faced with.  Not just with this addiction but with so many things in our individual lives.  It is a bit long, but worth the read. 

   

Satan always uses the same tricks. He is a mastermind of psychology who has perfected a few ploys and uses them again and again, devilishly pleased with how easily we succumb. On this earth, he started with Adam and Eve and found a particular fiery dart so potent and searing, he has never stopped using it.

You may recognize this technique.

Adam and Eve partake of the fruit, discover their nakedness and then stand shaking when God calls their name in the garden. Satan is right at their shoulder, with urgent words, “Hide. Quickly, hide.” He floods them with a sense of their unworthiness, calls them to retreat, run, be separated from all that is good and holy because they are flawed.

He tells them to shrink in shame, to be flushed with embarrassment, not only at what they've done, but who they are.

Shame is one of Satan's pernicious tools, a view of ourselves he is always busy selling us. In our inner conversations, our self-talk, we may not call it shame, nor recognize that Satan has also told us to run and hide, but the tactic is the same.
 
It is that secret disdain of ourselves that we carry like a hidden worm because we have not been all that we imagined that we could. It is that nagging sense of disappointment that the weaknesses we wrestled with yesterday and last year are still dogging us. It is the chagrin that so much that is difficult for us seems to come easily to others.

It is that embarrassment that we have let ourselves and others down. It is the sin that sickens us or the sometimes hardness of our hearts towards those we should treat softly. It is the life skill we never quite master. (Can my closet still be this disorganized?)

It is the suspicion that others don't regard us or recognize us, the sense that they dismiss us. It is the dismay that we don't measure up, that no matter how hard we try, that we can't do it.

We may not experience any of these kinds of shame, but for many, there is a piece of ourselves, maybe a hidden piece, carefully masked perhaps even from ourselves, that is dimmed in shame.

If it was one of Satan's first temptations to our parents in the garden, we can be certain that he is using it in some way on us. It is a particularly effective tool for those of us who are members of the Church who want so much to become good.

We cry tears and lament, “Have I been a good enough mother?” “Have I been a good enough father?” We beat ourselves up with what we might have done differently at home, at work, in our church callings. We ask ourselves if we missed the boat somewhere along the way, took a Wrong Turn, buried our talents. Or maybe just hit a glass ceiling that our heart tells us we could have shattered if we could have just found the way.

We sometimes contribute to our sense of self-disdain, playing right into Satan's strategy. We may recount our weaknesses until they grow in our mind, replay every rejection, let our disappointments fatten and grow in our souls until they dominate and then diminish our identity.

Anything that makes us feel small and wretched does not come from the Lord who desires most of all for us to remember whose son and daughter we are, and therefore what glorious vistas can await us.

If shame can make us grovel in humiliation before life's opportunities (even if others don't see it), it can also have the opposite effect. We may go to great lengths to hide our chagrin by seeking to be overly competent, feel that we must never make mistakes. We might find ourselves in that endless race for importance, because inside we feel so unworthy and unimportant.
In this way, shame is a cousin to pride. A shrinking sense of dismay about ourselves—or even some part of ourselves—may lead us to that great temptation—working really hard on our beautiful self-image as an antidote.
Even unconsciously we may try to prove that we matter, or worse, that we matter more than other people, that we have our precious, little superiorities. We may search, even unconsciously, for ways to feel OK. We may decorate our resumes or our bodies or our social standing, hoping to smother the voice of shame and heal the hole it eats inside of us. Maybe then we can feel important enough.

Shame can become terribly self-absorbing. It can become a relentless search for something, anything, to make us feel better. “ If I achieve this, then will I be good enough? If I do that, then will I be good enough?” “Have I properly shored up my self-esteem so that I can finally shroud that sense of shame, silence the voices of chagrin, dismay and self-disdain which whisper to me?

Shame is paralyzing. It stops us in our tracks. It bids us give up, contract, stop trying. It makes us feel that we should abandon our standards since they are impossible anyway and we could never live up to them. It wraps us in despair and tells us that since our efforts are so puny, we might as well give up. It is not worth fanning the life force inside of us that would fire our vision and keep us moving. “I'll never win, why try?”
 
Shame ultimately can divide us from God, make us retreat in trembling. We don't want to be exposed as naked and riddled with weakness. We don't want to stand before him with our obvious scars and lesions, the sins we know too well. Shame can distort our vision of who He really is. We may suppose he, not Satan is the source of this painful shame that wracks us, the over-exaggerated sense of our unworthiness.

I think that shame is often behind those who finally abandon God. His expectations make them feel guilty and they flee from feeling ashamed.
I heard shame once in the voice of one of my daughters when she was eager to get an answer from the Lord over a problem that weighed upon her while she was in high school. She said, “Mom, will you pray for me? I know the Lord will answer you.” In her statement was the assumption that she did not think God would answer her. She thought herself, somehow, unworthy of Him.

I heard shame in the request of a Relief Society teacher who, in a lesson, asked us to write down everything we could think of that was good about ourselves to increase our sense of self-worth. Maybe this list we created would help convince us that we were acceptable.

Was this an idea that would work? I didn't think so, so I laid my pencil down. So did my neighbor, Diane. She said, “I don't get this exercise. I love the Lord, and he loves me. That's all I need to know.” I've never forgotten that comment that sprang from wholeness.

Satan is busy, however, with his program of shame. He wants us to feel like pygmies and not children of God. He wants us to participate in his program by scolding ourselves, telling ourselves that that chiding, nagging inner voice is actually there to do us good, make us responsible. “Why don't you ever get this right?” says the voice, shaming us.

But this program of shame is the same one he tried to foist on Adam and Eve. When he sees our nakedness—those vulnerabilities, weaknesses, disappointments and sins that stick to us, sometimes like glue, he screams “Hide, you wretches. Run and hide.”

That is Satan's method of covering our sins.

In the tenderest of mercies, the Savior also invites us to cover our sins, but in a quite different way, a way which is the polar opposite. The Savior's way is encompassed in what Nephi asks in his psalm, “O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!”

Seeing our nakedness and our wretchedness, the Savior, through his atonement, covers us with his own cloak. He does it with a loving, warming embrace. We are encircled in his arms and his robes. Our nakedness is covered, not because we ran and hid, following a devilish voice that implies that we are worthy of disdain. It is covered because, instead of running and hiding, we turned our faces to the Lord and as he embraces us in the folds of his robe, we find that shame falls from us.

We are loved, noticed by the King, made sacrifice for by the Lamb. We are precious, more than we can imagine right where we are, and gleaming with possibilities that go beyond.

God does not want us to travel with shame, for its burden is too heavy and is the fountain of many other sins.

This idea of naked and clothed is spoken in this verse about how it will be to stand again before God.

“Wherefore, we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness; and the righteous shall have a perfect knowledge of their enjoyment, and their righteousness, being clothed with purity, yea even with the robe of righteousness” (2 Nephi 9:14).

The righteous are not naked and made ashamed by the exposure of their weaknesses and vulnerability. They are clothed—and it is in the Savior's own robes. The embrace of the Savior's atonement allows us to have vision of who we really are. Yes, we falter and our best efforts are met with road blocks. Yes, we battle our weaknesses and the war to overcome them is often long, but drawing close to the Lord, means coming into his embrace, feeling his love, and sensing his vision of who and what we are.

Clothed in his robe of righteousness, we do not feel shame. When we are naked, Satan tells us to run and hide. Christ instead, wraps us in his love, empowers us to overcome as he has, and gives us vision to see ourselves as he does—as infinitely lovable and worth his sacrifice.

In the JST, John the Baptist, warns the Pharisees, “If ye receive not me, ye receive not him of whom I am sent to bear record; and for your sins ye have no cloak (JST Matthew 3:34).

Christ's atonement is an invitation to be “encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2 Nephi 15). We are invited to be reconciled, which means to return, to come home to the place we have known.

Not just our sins, but all those things that make us feel small and unworthy, awkward and incompetent are transformed when Christ covers our nakedness with his robes.

Hugh Nibley says that the Jews have various interpretations of the word cover. It means “to archover; to bend over; to cover; therefore, to cover your sins, to wipe them out, to forget them, to pass over with the palm of the hand, hence to wipe over; to cleanse; to expiate; therefore, to forgive, to renounce, to deny, to be found.”

It means to be encircled in love.

Oh what a number Satan does on us—making us feel like tiny, hopeless germs, far from home and far from ourselves. He would have us wallow in shame and shrunken vision, pained because we feel so small. It is a tell-tale sign that he is at work in our souls when these feelings abound.

What a joyous alternative is offered by the Savior. “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” That rest is in the robes of his righteousness where we are healed and clothed. No need to crouch and hide. We can stand before the Lord with glorious expectations and hope in the process.

We have no need to be ashamed for we are God's own children, and though we are not yet what we will be, the Lord loves us and wants us to catch the glimmers of ourselves that he sees.

Thus, when we feel the shrinking disdain for ourselves that so many know, it is time to say, “Get thee hence, Satan. I will entertain your lies no more.”

Skinny Jeans

I have essentially been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since fall of 2006 (I had several years before that of the same but had a 3 year break after 2003).  While I am sad to be done with this stage of life, I am excited to be moving in to the next stage.  I am ready to be done with the baby-making, baby-nourishing, baby-wearing.  My body has not been MY body for a LONG time and I am ready to have MY body back. 

I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!

Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG!  Yay!  So I stopped at the store to find some new pants.  I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down.  Sure enough they fit, perfectly.  So exciting!!

Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans.  I have said I would never wear skinny jeans.  I just didn't think I could ever look good in them.  But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on.  You know what?  I felt good in them.  I looked and felt thin.  I felt confident.  So I bought them.

I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased.  I was feeling good.  Thin and attractive.  I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.

He said NOTHING. 

I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself.  I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.

The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans.  One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing.  And that was alright because I felt good.  I felt confident in myself and how I looked.

We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping.  It was fun.  Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on.  She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband.  She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response.  Eventually he called and said "NO."  He didn't like skinny jeans.   She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them."  So she put them back. 

We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing.  They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them.  MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response.  He said "No.  They look uncomfortable."  So she put them back.

I could see how disappointed SIL was.  She really liked how comfortable the pants were.  She liked how she looked in them.

After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.

I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look.  I feel good.  I like the way I look and that is what matters.  I am comfortable in these pants.  I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions." 

I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else."  But they don't know about his addiction.  So I kept those thoughts to myself. 

Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing.  He didn't notice.  I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look.  If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."

Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them.  Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something. 

It hurts that he doesn't notice.  It hurts a lot!  However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself.  Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts.  I am beginning to like me.  Because I am coming to know I am of worth.  I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me.  I am MORE than what I think of myself.  The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful.  I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).

Worth

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues.  What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth. 

If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.

If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.

If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.

If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.

On and on it went.

It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself.  Felt that I had worth.

Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated!  I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc.  I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.  

In short, I wasn't enough. 

As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ".  As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me.  This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God. 

I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in.  I am a child of GOD.  I am His daughter.  And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH.  Infinite worth.

I am NOT what I do or do not do.  I am NOT how I look or what others think I am.  My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am.  I am of WORTH because I AM me.

One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness.  I tried to remind him that he is a child of God.  I shared with him the man I see.  The man that the Lord has allowed me to see.  While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself. 

I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him.  To which he said "No, but I need to".  I believe we all need to.  It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us.  (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)

Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes.  Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us.  One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,

"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."

Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict.  He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction. 

The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks.  The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God. 

My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation.  And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth.  I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.

Lies & Truths

"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]"  (2 Nephi 28:22)

 

As part of my "Thirty in Thirty" my sponsor asked me to make a list of the lies that Satan whispers to me.  Sometimes his lies seem more of a deafening yell than a whisper in my ear. 

Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's yells whispers. Some of these lies were reawakened in me from my teen years, some are new and specific to this addiction, and others were lies that I have heard and believed for years--some as long as I can remember. While I was bombarded daily with lies before finding about the addiction, it seemed that satan pulled out all the stops when he saw me struggling emotionally and spiritually after learning of the addiction. And it was so easy to believe those lies.

Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis.  Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again.  It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.

I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.   

A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place.  I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me.  I was feeling so down, so worthless.  Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies. 

Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."

"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."

Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.

If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He will lead us into captivity.  He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.

We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."

After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me.  He was compassionate and loving.  He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told.  That I am a daughter of God.  He said the pain I was feeling could be a  'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.

Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing.  I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie.  Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.

In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer.  "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost."  (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)

One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me.  With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted.  I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me.  That I am a daughter of God.  That He knows me personally.  That I am loved.  That I am not worthless.  I am of infinite worth to Him.  That my Savior loves me.  That I am NOT alone.  That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.

"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.  The Spirit of truth is of God.  I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)

I am grateful for this assignment.  For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES!  I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth.  I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.

"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever.  Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)

Tender Mercies

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It seems as though the Lord is pouring out blessings every where I turn.  Or it could be that I am currently in a place, spiritually speaking, that I am able to see and recognize His abundant blessings.  I am humbled as I realize many tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with as of late. 

 

In the LDS ARP manual under Step 2 it reads, "You will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover." (empahsis added) 

 

To be honest, I am not really sure I could have told you what a tender mercy was before I began this journey of recovery.  It was a phrase I had heard and had used, but I didn't KNOW what it meant for me personally.  I didn't understand WHAT a tender mercy was. 

 

David A. Bednar says, " . . . the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.  Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men'. (D&C 46:15)." (empahsis added)

 

He goes on to say, " . . . as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord." 

 

As I face the challenge of moving forward from the pain and despair that I have felt in the wake of huby's addiction and the reality of my own addictions, I truly have been blessed with the "gift of faith".  Faith in knowing that He is there for me, to carry me.  That He loves me.  Faith in knowing that He can heal me.  Faith that He can change my heart if I am willing to turn myself, character flaws and all, over to Him.  Faith that He hears my prayers and will answer them.

 

Sunday night my family and I were driving home from a quick visit to my parent's house two hours away.  It was late, I was tired, and my two youngest children were crying.  And not just crying, they were S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G.  We were getting low on gas, but I felt that I shouldn't stop to fill up becasuse it was the sabbath.  I did think to myself that if I stopped to fill up I might be able to console the little ones enough that the final half hour of the trip would be void of crying.  However, I chose not to stop for gas.  The crying became worse and was really starting to grate on me and I could feel myself sinking into a dark place.  I silently said a prayer to my Father in Heaven asking him to give me the strength to deal with the crying and that we might be able to make it home with enough gas for me to pick up my kindergartener the next morning.  While the crying did NOT stop, in fact, it got WORSE the Lord blessed me with the strength and ability to handle the crying.  I immediately felt my spirits lift and I was pulled out of the dark place I had been.  We made it home with enough gas to make it the following morning to pick up my son and get to town to fill up.  This answer to my prayer was a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven.

 

Elder Bednar continues, "The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure thes important blessings." (empahsis added)

 

I have to come to see that the more I turn my will over to the Lord, the more readily he blesses me.  I am inviting "His tender mercies as I use my agency to choose God."  What a wonderful concept.  The more I choose to be faithful and obedient, the more willing He will be to bless me.  And the more my eyes are opened to those blessings. 

 

Monday night hubby and I were blessed to experience an amazing, humbling tender mercy from the Lord.  I had been feeling bombarded by whisperings from the adversary and was struggling greatly.  I was a sobbing, tear-streaked mess.  Hubby asked me if I would like a blessing.  Why didn't I think of that?  Anyway...hubby then proceeded to give me one of the most powerful blessings I have had or witnessed, next to my own patriarchal blessing.  The spirit was SO wonderfully strong.  I truly felt that He knows who I am and He is there with me fighting this battle with me. That He loves me. 

 

I am grateful for a husband who was inspired to ask if I wanted a blessing.  That he has been living a life of "obedience and humility" and was able, through the Priesthood, to give me a blessing of strength.   I am grateful that I, too, have been living a life of faith and obedience and was able to receive such a beautiful tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. 

 

My heart is full for the abundant blessings that the Lord has poured out upon me.  For the miracles that the Lord is working in my husband, myself, our marriage, and our family.  I know that He wants us to heal and to be changed.  He is blessing us in those efforts.  

 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies.  The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.  When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attmept to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaulation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)." (emphasis mine)

 

May we all be able to recognize the tender mercies of the Lord, that we may remember we are  NOT alone as the adversary would have us believe.  That the tender mercies truly can "fortify and protect us" in our trials.  He truly can make us "mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 

Check out this mp3...

The Tender Mercies of the Lord 

Like a Child

As I was laying in bed feeding my baby the other morning the thought came to me, "she has to depend on you for EVERYTHING, she can do nothing for herself." As I pondered on that statement several scriptures came to mind . . .

" . . . Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kindgdom of heaven. Whosoever therfore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4

" . . . be not children in understanding; howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men." 1 Corinthians 14:20

" . . . and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19

What qualities do my my baby and young children posses that I might not? What can I learn from my young infant, from my young children that might help me as I work on my own sprititual growth?

"These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts. They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit. They exemplify humility, obedience, and love. They are often the first to love and the first to forgive." Jean A. Stevens, 2011 April General Conference

I have always found it interesting when I get after one of my young children that they immediately turn to me for a hug. They have already forgiven me for being upset with them. How I wish that I would forgive as easily as children do.

In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".

I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.