working a good recovery?

Yesterday a fellow WoPA posed a question to me in response to a question I had asked about going on a cruise with M . . . "Do you feel like he is working a good recovery?" 

Honestly, I don't know.  I wish I did know.  I hope he is.  I just don't know for sure that he is working a good recovery.

After pondering on her question most of the day yesterday and then again this morning more questions came to my mind . . . WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY LOOK LIKE?  WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY FEEL LIKE?

I don't know.  And that leaves me feeling unsettled.  I know that recovery is different for each individual so how do I know if he is working a good recovery? 

Earlier this year I could say with confidence that he was working a good recovery, with emphasis on WORKING.  He was going to 2 meetings a week (we both were), journaling responses from the ARP manual, sharing his recovery with me, visiting with the bishop, etc.  It was obvious and I could see and feel it. 

Now, not so much.  I don't see it at all.  He hasn't been to a meeting for a while.  Although I do need to say that there have definitely been conflicts with kids, my surgery, hunting, etc to keep him/us from going.  He hasn't pulled his journal or his ARP manual out for months.  I don't know if he speaks with his sponsor anymore (although I am not sure what good that did...he told M that he was just able to stop).  Last month he even blamed me for being the reason he isn't doing recovery work.  HUH?!  I am reminded of something that Andrew from Rowboats said...
"Question: What is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery?
Answer: You can’t get the addict to talk about his recovery and you can’t get the addict in recovery to shut up about it."
M doesn't talk about recovery anymore and seems to avoid it or gets defensive when it is brought up.  He doesn't "want the addiction to be a part of him" and so by not talking about it, he can pretend it isn't, I guess.  Talking won't make it not true and avoiding it will only feed it.

His avoidance of talking about my feelings as a result of this addiction or to talk about the addiction at all, his defensiveness when we do talk about my feelings, his attempts to blame me for him not working recovery, his lack of desire to connect emotionally, his unwillingness to admit that he lied for most of our marriage to protect his mistress (his addiction), and other things don't feel like recovery to me.

I do see and feel some changes in him. 

He is trying to be more patient with the kids, he is SO helpful at home (dishes, sweeping, laundry, getting kids to bed, etc), and so much more.  To his credit though, he has always done that to some degree.  He has always been a good dad and a good husband.  He hasn't said an unkind thing to me or treated me badly like I have heard from some other wives.  And for that I am SO grateful.  However, it makes it confusing to me.  How do I know if he is working a good recovery if he is doing the same things as before? 

I still feel like he has a "secret" life.  I have no clue what he is or is NOT doing at work.  I thought he was working, but found out that he spent his days viewing porn.  Unfortunately, I don't know that he isn't doing that now because he doesn't talk about it.  He doesn't talk about any of it. I don't know if he is dealing with the negative emotions he is faced with.  I don't know that he isn't lusting.  I don't know anything when it comes to his recovery.  I just don't know.

I have asked repeatedly for transparency regarding this and he will say "Okay" and then nothing.  No nightly check-in like I have requested.  Nothing.  There are times after me asking several times when he will share some feelings--frustrations with work, kids, church, but not his struggles or anything to do with the addiction or recovery.  He isn't forthcoming about any of it.  And that leaves me feeling unsettled and I guess leaves me with my answer . . . . I personally can't say 'I see and feel that he is working a good recovery'.      

Broken

Life has been overwhelmingly busy the last couple of months.  As a result my recovery efforts have seriously fallen by the wayside.  I keep telling myself I need to take just 10 minutes to sit down and read from the ARP manual or HTC handbook.  Yet it seems as though there is NEVER just 10 minutes to do anything.  There is always something else that needs done or somewhere to run. 

Things have been going really well for my husband and I.  We have had some rough points (my fault), but for the most part things have been good.  Real good.  We have been reconnecting on a different, much deeper level than we ever have before.  We have been HAPPY.  It is an amazing feeling.  And so scary at the same time.  Scary because I know that this happiness can be gone in an instant. 

This past week something happened that was extremely triggering for me.  The happiness I had been feeling was immediately gone and in it's place was fear, anger, hurt, sadness, and a feeling of worthlessness.  I was blindsided by how betrayed and hurt I felt.  I feel broken.

How could this particular thing happen if my husband was really in recovery.  Surely, something has happened in his recovery to allow this in after so long.  It HAD to be something HE had or had not done.  Why would this happen otherwise?!?

This latest trigger along with what I see other WoPA's facing right now has rocked my world.  I am left questioning my testimony in a loving Father in Heaven and the healing power of the Atonement in my life and the lives of others.  I don't understand how a perfect, loving parent could sit back and watch His children suffer at the hands of other's actions.  

Satan's Secret Strategy

Yesterday morning, after the alarm had gone off, Mr. Hopeful and I cuddled up in bed and had a great conversation.  A discussion about shame and how it keeps each of us from being involved in groups of people (ward functions, family functions, etc).  He feels like shrinking because of things he has done in the past.  He feels ugly and dirty, despite knowing that he is clean and forgiven.  I, too, feel ugly and unworthy of being in others' presence.

When he left the bed for work we both had learned things about ourselves.  We learned that what we thought was fear keeping us from getting involved with others is actually feelings of shame.  He emailed me an article that he had stumbled across almost by accident.  I believe he was led to find it as it went right along with the discussion we had just a couple hours earlier. 

I would like to share it with you as I believe shame is one of the key factors in what we and our husbands are faced with.  Not just with this addiction but with so many things in our individual lives.  It is a bit long, but worth the read. 

   

Satan always uses the same tricks. He is a mastermind of psychology who has perfected a few ploys and uses them again and again, devilishly pleased with how easily we succumb. On this earth, he started with Adam and Eve and found a particular fiery dart so potent and searing, he has never stopped using it.

You may recognize this technique.

Adam and Eve partake of the fruit, discover their nakedness and then stand shaking when God calls their name in the garden. Satan is right at their shoulder, with urgent words, “Hide. Quickly, hide.” He floods them with a sense of their unworthiness, calls them to retreat, run, be separated from all that is good and holy because they are flawed.

He tells them to shrink in shame, to be flushed with embarrassment, not only at what they've done, but who they are.

Shame is one of Satan's pernicious tools, a view of ourselves he is always busy selling us. In our inner conversations, our self-talk, we may not call it shame, nor recognize that Satan has also told us to run and hide, but the tactic is the same.
 
It is that secret disdain of ourselves that we carry like a hidden worm because we have not been all that we imagined that we could. It is that nagging sense of disappointment that the weaknesses we wrestled with yesterday and last year are still dogging us. It is the chagrin that so much that is difficult for us seems to come easily to others.

It is that embarrassment that we have let ourselves and others down. It is the sin that sickens us or the sometimes hardness of our hearts towards those we should treat softly. It is the life skill we never quite master. (Can my closet still be this disorganized?)

It is the suspicion that others don't regard us or recognize us, the sense that they dismiss us. It is the dismay that we don't measure up, that no matter how hard we try, that we can't do it.

We may not experience any of these kinds of shame, but for many, there is a piece of ourselves, maybe a hidden piece, carefully masked perhaps even from ourselves, that is dimmed in shame.

If it was one of Satan's first temptations to our parents in the garden, we can be certain that he is using it in some way on us. It is a particularly effective tool for those of us who are members of the Church who want so much to become good.

We cry tears and lament, “Have I been a good enough mother?” “Have I been a good enough father?” We beat ourselves up with what we might have done differently at home, at work, in our church callings. We ask ourselves if we missed the boat somewhere along the way, took a Wrong Turn, buried our talents. Or maybe just hit a glass ceiling that our heart tells us we could have shattered if we could have just found the way.

We sometimes contribute to our sense of self-disdain, playing right into Satan's strategy. We may recount our weaknesses until they grow in our mind, replay every rejection, let our disappointments fatten and grow in our souls until they dominate and then diminish our identity.

Anything that makes us feel small and wretched does not come from the Lord who desires most of all for us to remember whose son and daughter we are, and therefore what glorious vistas can await us.

If shame can make us grovel in humiliation before life's opportunities (even if others don't see it), it can also have the opposite effect. We may go to great lengths to hide our chagrin by seeking to be overly competent, feel that we must never make mistakes. We might find ourselves in that endless race for importance, because inside we feel so unworthy and unimportant.
In this way, shame is a cousin to pride. A shrinking sense of dismay about ourselves—or even some part of ourselves—may lead us to that great temptation—working really hard on our beautiful self-image as an antidote.
Even unconsciously we may try to prove that we matter, or worse, that we matter more than other people, that we have our precious, little superiorities. We may search, even unconsciously, for ways to feel OK. We may decorate our resumes or our bodies or our social standing, hoping to smother the voice of shame and heal the hole it eats inside of us. Maybe then we can feel important enough.

Shame can become terribly self-absorbing. It can become a relentless search for something, anything, to make us feel better. “ If I achieve this, then will I be good enough? If I do that, then will I be good enough?” “Have I properly shored up my self-esteem so that I can finally shroud that sense of shame, silence the voices of chagrin, dismay and self-disdain which whisper to me?

Shame is paralyzing. It stops us in our tracks. It bids us give up, contract, stop trying. It makes us feel that we should abandon our standards since they are impossible anyway and we could never live up to them. It wraps us in despair and tells us that since our efforts are so puny, we might as well give up. It is not worth fanning the life force inside of us that would fire our vision and keep us moving. “I'll never win, why try?”
 
Shame ultimately can divide us from God, make us retreat in trembling. We don't want to be exposed as naked and riddled with weakness. We don't want to stand before him with our obvious scars and lesions, the sins we know too well. Shame can distort our vision of who He really is. We may suppose he, not Satan is the source of this painful shame that wracks us, the over-exaggerated sense of our unworthiness.

I think that shame is often behind those who finally abandon God. His expectations make them feel guilty and they flee from feeling ashamed.
I heard shame once in the voice of one of my daughters when she was eager to get an answer from the Lord over a problem that weighed upon her while she was in high school. She said, “Mom, will you pray for me? I know the Lord will answer you.” In her statement was the assumption that she did not think God would answer her. She thought herself, somehow, unworthy of Him.

I heard shame in the request of a Relief Society teacher who, in a lesson, asked us to write down everything we could think of that was good about ourselves to increase our sense of self-worth. Maybe this list we created would help convince us that we were acceptable.

Was this an idea that would work? I didn't think so, so I laid my pencil down. So did my neighbor, Diane. She said, “I don't get this exercise. I love the Lord, and he loves me. That's all I need to know.” I've never forgotten that comment that sprang from wholeness.

Satan is busy, however, with his program of shame. He wants us to feel like pygmies and not children of God. He wants us to participate in his program by scolding ourselves, telling ourselves that that chiding, nagging inner voice is actually there to do us good, make us responsible. “Why don't you ever get this right?” says the voice, shaming us.

But this program of shame is the same one he tried to foist on Adam and Eve. When he sees our nakedness—those vulnerabilities, weaknesses, disappointments and sins that stick to us, sometimes like glue, he screams “Hide, you wretches. Run and hide.”

That is Satan's method of covering our sins.

In the tenderest of mercies, the Savior also invites us to cover our sins, but in a quite different way, a way which is the polar opposite. The Savior's way is encompassed in what Nephi asks in his psalm, “O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!”

Seeing our nakedness and our wretchedness, the Savior, through his atonement, covers us with his own cloak. He does it with a loving, warming embrace. We are encircled in his arms and his robes. Our nakedness is covered, not because we ran and hid, following a devilish voice that implies that we are worthy of disdain. It is covered because, instead of running and hiding, we turned our faces to the Lord and as he embraces us in the folds of his robe, we find that shame falls from us.

We are loved, noticed by the King, made sacrifice for by the Lamb. We are precious, more than we can imagine right where we are, and gleaming with possibilities that go beyond.

God does not want us to travel with shame, for its burden is too heavy and is the fountain of many other sins.

This idea of naked and clothed is spoken in this verse about how it will be to stand again before God.

“Wherefore, we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness; and the righteous shall have a perfect knowledge of their enjoyment, and their righteousness, being clothed with purity, yea even with the robe of righteousness” (2 Nephi 9:14).

The righteous are not naked and made ashamed by the exposure of their weaknesses and vulnerability. They are clothed—and it is in the Savior's own robes. The embrace of the Savior's atonement allows us to have vision of who we really are. Yes, we falter and our best efforts are met with road blocks. Yes, we battle our weaknesses and the war to overcome them is often long, but drawing close to the Lord, means coming into his embrace, feeling his love, and sensing his vision of who and what we are.

Clothed in his robe of righteousness, we do not feel shame. When we are naked, Satan tells us to run and hide. Christ instead, wraps us in his love, empowers us to overcome as he has, and gives us vision to see ourselves as he does—as infinitely lovable and worth his sacrifice.

In the JST, John the Baptist, warns the Pharisees, “If ye receive not me, ye receive not him of whom I am sent to bear record; and for your sins ye have no cloak (JST Matthew 3:34).

Christ's atonement is an invitation to be “encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2 Nephi 15). We are invited to be reconciled, which means to return, to come home to the place we have known.

Not just our sins, but all those things that make us feel small and unworthy, awkward and incompetent are transformed when Christ covers our nakedness with his robes.

Hugh Nibley says that the Jews have various interpretations of the word cover. It means “to archover; to bend over; to cover; therefore, to cover your sins, to wipe them out, to forget them, to pass over with the palm of the hand, hence to wipe over; to cleanse; to expiate; therefore, to forgive, to renounce, to deny, to be found.”

It means to be encircled in love.

Oh what a number Satan does on us—making us feel like tiny, hopeless germs, far from home and far from ourselves. He would have us wallow in shame and shrunken vision, pained because we feel so small. It is a tell-tale sign that he is at work in our souls when these feelings abound.

What a joyous alternative is offered by the Savior. “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” That rest is in the robes of his righteousness where we are healed and clothed. No need to crouch and hide. We can stand before the Lord with glorious expectations and hope in the process.

We have no need to be ashamed for we are God's own children, and though we are not yet what we will be, the Lord loves us and wants us to catch the glimmers of ourselves that he sees.

Thus, when we feel the shrinking disdain for ourselves that so many know, it is time to say, “Get thee hence, Satan. I will entertain your lies no more.”

Goats and fear

We raise fainting goats.  If you don't know what fainting goats are just go to YouTube and search fainting goats.  If you don't have the time or desire to do that, let me just say that when startled the muscles in these goats freeze up and they can't move.  Some even fall over.  It is quite amusing really and a big reason why we have them.  I told Mr. Hopeful years ago that I would love to have fainting goats so I could go out and scare the goats as a way to relieve stress and not take it out on my kids or him.  So he got them for me.  Unfortunately, they are more stress than the relief I had hoped.  But that is beside the point. 

One of the goats in particular freezes up really well and unfortunately for him it is usually when we are throwing him hay to eat.  The hay gets thrown over the fence which scares him and causes his legs to freeze up.  He wants the food but his body is frozen.  Instead of just saying "My body won't let me get what I need so I guess I will just sit here," he, with difficulty, drags himself with his front legs to the food.  He pushes through the fear, the thing that is literally paralyzing him and forces himself to reach for the food. 

So it is for me.  There are things that almost paralyze me with fear.  I can sit there and say "Well, I can't move forward because I am paralyzed so I might as well just stay where I am" or I can push through those fears (and pain) and reach for things that will "feed me", that will help me grow and become better. 

This last month has been spent doing just that.  I was presented with an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone.  WAY out!  I started a home business.  I am having to do things that scare me in a BIG way.  It has been scary.  It has been frustrating.  It has been amazing!   As I begin to push through these fears I am growing.  I am becoming stronger. 

Along with having to face the fears that accompany this business I am facing more fears in regards to my own healing and recovery.  As I uncover and "drag myself" through these fears they are becoming less and less paralyzing.  I can learn from them.  I can grow. 

I am trying to keep this in perspective with Mr. Hopeful as well.  He has fears that are paralyzing to him.  Opening up and being vulnerable is one of those fears.  I am trying to be more patient as he works to face the fear of sharing his feelings, good or bad.  The more he realizes I am a safe place the more he is willing to open up.  The goats know we are not a safe place because we intentionally try to scare them.  I don't want Mr. Hopeful to see me coming and tense up in fear.  I want him to feel confident that I am there to support him, to love him.   

This business opportunity has also given Mr. Hopeful and I a chance to work together on something not recovery related.  To redirect our focus a little bit.  Recovery has not fallen by the wayside, but it isn't our sole focus like it had been in the past.  

If the goats didn't push through the paralyzing fear, they would never eat.  They would end up dying or at the very least would be very skinny, hungry goats.  If I don't push through fears I am faced with I will never have the opportunity to grow and become the person that my Father in Heaven would have me become.  I want to strive daily to become that person...even though it is hard.  Even though it is scary.  Even though it hurts (a LOT sometimes).  Thankfully I am not alone in it.  I have my Savior to carry me and bless me with the grace to be able to do all that is asked of me.

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I cannot know what the future will bring.  My best hope is every bit as likely to occur as my worst fear, so I have no reason to give more weight to my negative assumptions.  All I can do I make the most of this day.

~Courage to Change 



Journey of Patience

It is said that recovery is a journey, a process, and NOT an end destination.  That every day we need to be diligent in our efforts otherwise we leave ourselves open to the real possibility that we will return to our old, unhealthy behaviors.  I have also heard that recovery is hard work.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives.  At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.

There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit.  I want to go back to "normal".  Whatever that is.  

A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."  

I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days.  I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful.  There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me."  "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you."  "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?"   "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?"  "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"

I have never been a real patient person.  Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7.  The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small.  When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future.  Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly.  For me, it meant NOW.  Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work.  Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down.  But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9. 

If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt.  If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage.  Possibly bringing it to an end.  I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process.  I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey. 

There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries.  Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord.  Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself.  Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful.  Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality. 

This really is a journey.  Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty.  Recovery is truly the journey of life.  I believe it is why we are here on this earth.  Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior.  Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives. 

We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome.  No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own.  It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it.  It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.  

I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into.  He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel".  I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel."  I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program. 

I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change.  I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own.  I can't.  I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself..  Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him.  I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me.  To ease the burdens of my pains.

I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb).  I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise.  I will be blessed beyond measure. 

It is right

 

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I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

Addo Recovery

Like many of the other WoPA's, I was contacted by Eric Red of Addo Recovery in UT, an organization that specializes in helping women who have been hurt by pornography and sexual addiction.

Here is a link to their prelaunch site http://www.addorecovery.com/
**Make sure you click the word "watch" to see a video of an overview of their program.

They are giving away--FREE--100 seats to their workshop 'Healing From Betrayal Trauma'. The workshop (normally $239.99) includes therapy with one of the nations foremost in Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Dr. Kevin Skinner, as well as unlimited access to our online recovery tool. To learn more about the class, go HERE. The content this class provides has helped many with the Betrayal Trauma stemming from their spouses pornography or sexual addiction. 

Sign up for FREE by April 17th!!! Only ONE day left!

W. Eric Red

Managing Director, Addo Recovery

C – 503.858.7832

O – 801.406.8994

Weapons of War

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Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)

 

Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip.  To say I am nervous is an understatement. 

 

I am TERRIFIED!

 

I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more.  I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction.  Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him. 

 

I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.

 

I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate.  We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling.  Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing. 

 

The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away.  In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone.  That there was always something more important for him to be doing.  I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted.  Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.

 

During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me.  I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode.  It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused. 

 

Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away.  I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore.  I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again. 

 

I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore.  I know he knows he has hurt me.  I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart.  I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away. 

 

And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc.  To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah."  "And what about the time you said blankity blank."   Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.

 

I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said.  She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go off".  The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband.  I recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!" 

 

Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war.  "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19).  They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright".  That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18). 

 

"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war".  I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me.  But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it.  Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him?  Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?

 

As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.  

 

Literally bury it. 

 

Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.  

 

And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried.  The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons. 

 

With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.

I
 have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.

Now to go find the place of burial.  I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole. 

 

Dependent on Him

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"And together we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

 

"know thou, . . . that all these things shall give thee experince, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

 

Due to a surgery, I have been sitting around for the last few weeks lame, unable to do much of anything for myself or my family.  I have felt worthless.  If I can't take of my family what worth do I have.  I know I am of worth it is just hard knowing I can't perform my duties as mother and wife.  

 

I have had to deal with the inital pain of the surgery and then the pain of recovery.  The sadness of not being able to carry my baby to bed or to play outside with my kids.  I don't even want to think of the pain that will undoubtly come from the impending physical therapy. 

 

My ankle was badly damaged after years of injuries.  I was in pain most of the time, despite trying to baby it and avoid activities that might cause pain.  Unfortunately after a trying therapy it was determined that my ankle was shot and needed to be "rebuilt".  The two outside ligaments were cut, tightened, and stitched together as well as the tendon going across the front of the ankle. 

 

As I mentioned I have been in pain, still experience pain despite being 3 weeks out from surgery, and know that there will be more pain as therapy resumes.  In order for my ankle to be whole again I had to experience this pain.  This pain has been "for my good".

 

I said above that I have been unable to much for myself or my family due to my surgery and the fact that I can't put weight on my ankle.  So I have had to allow others to take care of me.  I say allow because sure I could try to do things on my own, but it could result in injury to myself or another (my baby if I tried to carry her to bed).  There have been a few times that I have tried to do a few things for myself and have had some close calls. 

 

So I sit.  And watch.  I watch hubby, my mom, my mother-in-law, my kids, and kind ward members do everything for me.

 

I have had some very strong impressions come to me in the last couple of days involving this trial of physical pain in my ankle and how it correlates to the emotional and spiritual pains that I am faced with as a result of hubby's addiction as well as my own addition to co-dependency.

 

Like the pain from my surgery, the pains that I feel as a result of the disclosures, lack of initmacy, loss of trust, that have come as a result of hubby's addiction are necessary.  They are for my good.  It may be hard to see the good, but I am coming to understand and KNOW that they are, in fact, for my good. 

 

Although it may be necessary for me to suffer these pains, it doesn't mean that I need to or CAN suffer them alone.  Just like I have had to be dependent on everyone around me for the last few weeks to help me do the things I can't physically do for myself.  I, too, am dependent on my Savior and His grace to help me endure the emotional, spiritual, and physical pains that I feel. 

 

I hate to ask for help.  I feel as though I can and should do most everything for myself.  Yah, you could say that I am a martyr at times--I am working on that.  I hate to admit that there haven't been many times when I can say that I have truly turned to my Savior for His help. 

 

The story of Peter walking on the water to the Savior came to my mind the other day.  When Peter became frightened and started sinking, He called out to Christ to help him.  I realized that instead of reaching out to my Savior as I began to sink into the rough waters of life I have been treading water, trying to keep my head above water on my own. 

 

There have been a few times when I felt as though my head was sinking below the surface that I reached out to my Savior to pull me back up to safety.  I would thank Him for His help and resume my own treading.

 

As I think about how I have been forced to depend on others because of my current physical limitations, I have also come to realize that I have to stop treading.  To reach my hand out to my Savior, just as Peter did. 

 

I have come to see how truly dependent on Him I am.  For EVERYTHING.  Not just healing from the impact of hubby's addiction in my life, but from my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  From my own sins.  I can NOT be changed without HIM and His grace. 

 

So I reach out and trust in His perfect plan for me.  I trust that He can heal my pains and that "this experience is for my good".



Afraid

I am having surgery on Friday, and I am afraid, TERRIFIED!  It is a simple procedure, at least that is what I am told, but I am so afraid.
 
Afraid I will react badly to the anethesia and NOT wake up.
 
I am afraid of the recovery.  I have 4 young children to care for and that is going to be quite difficult as I will be unable to walk on my own.

I am afraid of the pain.  Despite delivering 5 of my 7 babies without pain meds, I fear the pain from this surgery.

I am afraid of what this could mean for my spiritual recovery. 

I am afraid what it could mean for hubby's recovery.  I know, very codependent of me, but it is the truth.  Last year he started working on recovery and then I got pregnant.  As a result of overwhelming tiredness and sickness we both became apathetic in our study, prayers, etc and he relapsed.  I am afraid that will happen again.  I know I need to be okay regardless of whether he is doing well or not, but I am struggling with that right now.

I don't feel that I am spending all my time dwelling on these fears, but they are very much present.  Because of my fears I find that my recovery right now is stuck.  The fears are playing off my insecurities from hubby's addiction and previous insecurities and I am in a downward spiral.  I am struggling to stay afloat. 

I know that Satan can see that I am struggling and he is taking full advantage of it.  I have little engery to fight the barrage of attacks he is sending my way. 

In turn, I verbally assaulted hubby last night.  Bringing up hurt from the addiction when that isn't the cause of the emotions that I am fighting with.  I lashed out at him and what did he do? He hugged me, loved me.  Which leaves me feeling like an awful person.

How can I say "I love you" when my actions didn't show that I love him? 

How can I say "I'm sorry" when my words and actions said otherwise? 

I am unsure of how to act around him or what to say to him.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted to my fears and taking it out on him.  I wish that I could rewind the clock and take it all back, but I can't.  The damage has been done. 

I am afriad of what could possibly happen to our relationship with the damage that I did. 

I am afraid that the extra burdens placed on him during my surgery recovery will lead to him resenting me and create more of a rift in our relationship.   

Bottom line....I am AFRAID.  Very much AFRAID!

Lies & Truths

"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]"  (2 Nephi 28:22)

 

As part of my "Thirty in Thirty" my sponsor asked me to make a list of the lies that Satan whispers to me.  Sometimes his lies seem more of a deafening yell than a whisper in my ear. 

Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's yells whispers. Some of these lies were reawakened in me from my teen years, some are new and specific to this addiction, and others were lies that I have heard and believed for years--some as long as I can remember. While I was bombarded daily with lies before finding about the addiction, it seemed that satan pulled out all the stops when he saw me struggling emotionally and spiritually after learning of the addiction. And it was so easy to believe those lies.

Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis.  Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again.  It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.

I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.   

A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place.  I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me.  I was feeling so down, so worthless.  Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies. 

Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."

"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."

Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.

If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He will lead us into captivity.  He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.

We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."

After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me.  He was compassionate and loving.  He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told.  That I am a daughter of God.  He said the pain I was feeling could be a  'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.

Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing.  I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie.  Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.

In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer.  "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost."  (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)

One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me.  With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted.  I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me.  That I am a daughter of God.  That He knows me personally.  That I am loved.  That I am not worthless.  I am of infinite worth to Him.  That my Savior loves me.  That I am NOT alone.  That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.

"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.  The Spirit of truth is of God.  I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)

I am grateful for this assignment.  For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES!  I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth.  I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.

"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever.  Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)

Control = Chaos

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There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb.  They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them.  I have to admit that it has grown on me.  I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots. 

 

The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day.  Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more.  Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics.  Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb.  Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".

 

The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son.  I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane". 

The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy.  She is driving herself crazy."  Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.

As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace.  I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction.  I have checked his email.  Looked at his text messages.  Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.

I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life.  A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me.  Co-dependent?  I think so.

What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction? 

I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back!  That he would quit doing things that hurt ME.  That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself. 

All of my efforts to control him were futile.  I couldn't make him stop.  I couldn't make him even WANT to stop.  He had to do this for himself.  He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop.  No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.

Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy.  I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem.  My life had become unmanageable.

In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions.  Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction.  If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?! 

As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind.  Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement!  He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.  It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night.  He is exhausting to say the least.  The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel.  I am powerless over him, a 2-year old.  I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.

The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices.  He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him.  Control is NOT how the Lord opperates. 

Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control.  His plan was to not give us our agency.  To essentially control our salvation.  When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary.  Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.

In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others).  I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan.  I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice.  I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.

Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days.  She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control. 

I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have.  I want to have peace, not chaos!  I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband. 

In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,

"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)

I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me.  I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.

Control is not the Lord's way.  I may be powerless, but I am not helpless.  If I will turn to him in humility He will help me.  He will guide me.  He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life."  And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me.  I find great peace in these truths. 

I will be like Candace no more.


Big step

Yesterday I made a scary step in my recovery.  I made a call to a sponsor, a woman I have never met.  I have had her phone number for a few weeks and have been unable to muster up the nerve to call. 

What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?

I was really struggling Thursday.  I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  I was feeling very down on myself.  I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously.  I was awful.  I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain.  It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.

After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction.  I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues.  I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave.  Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever.  It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.

This was a HUGE wake up call for me.  I don't want to go on like this.  I can't go on like this.  Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING.  I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary. 

I need help.  Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart.  I need to address my own addicitions.  My own character flaws.  I need the peace that only my Savior can give me. 

I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor.  Of working a "Thirty in Thirty".  I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation. 

I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.

I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery! 

Tender Mercies

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It seems as though the Lord is pouring out blessings every where I turn.  Or it could be that I am currently in a place, spiritually speaking, that I am able to see and recognize His abundant blessings.  I am humbled as I realize many tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with as of late. 

 

In the LDS ARP manual under Step 2 it reads, "You will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover." (empahsis added) 

 

To be honest, I am not really sure I could have told you what a tender mercy was before I began this journey of recovery.  It was a phrase I had heard and had used, but I didn't KNOW what it meant for me personally.  I didn't understand WHAT a tender mercy was. 

 

David A. Bednar says, " . . . the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.  Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men'. (D&C 46:15)." (empahsis added)

 

He goes on to say, " . . . as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord." 

 

As I face the challenge of moving forward from the pain and despair that I have felt in the wake of huby's addiction and the reality of my own addictions, I truly have been blessed with the "gift of faith".  Faith in knowing that He is there for me, to carry me.  That He loves me.  Faith in knowing that He can heal me.  Faith that He can change my heart if I am willing to turn myself, character flaws and all, over to Him.  Faith that He hears my prayers and will answer them.

 

Sunday night my family and I were driving home from a quick visit to my parent's house two hours away.  It was late, I was tired, and my two youngest children were crying.  And not just crying, they were S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G.  We were getting low on gas, but I felt that I shouldn't stop to fill up becasuse it was the sabbath.  I did think to myself that if I stopped to fill up I might be able to console the little ones enough that the final half hour of the trip would be void of crying.  However, I chose not to stop for gas.  The crying became worse and was really starting to grate on me and I could feel myself sinking into a dark place.  I silently said a prayer to my Father in Heaven asking him to give me the strength to deal with the crying and that we might be able to make it home with enough gas for me to pick up my kindergartener the next morning.  While the crying did NOT stop, in fact, it got WORSE the Lord blessed me with the strength and ability to handle the crying.  I immediately felt my spirits lift and I was pulled out of the dark place I had been.  We made it home with enough gas to make it the following morning to pick up my son and get to town to fill up.  This answer to my prayer was a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven.

 

Elder Bednar continues, "The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure thes important blessings." (empahsis added)

 

I have to come to see that the more I turn my will over to the Lord, the more readily he blesses me.  I am inviting "His tender mercies as I use my agency to choose God."  What a wonderful concept.  The more I choose to be faithful and obedient, the more willing He will be to bless me.  And the more my eyes are opened to those blessings. 

 

Monday night hubby and I were blessed to experience an amazing, humbling tender mercy from the Lord.  I had been feeling bombarded by whisperings from the adversary and was struggling greatly.  I was a sobbing, tear-streaked mess.  Hubby asked me if I would like a blessing.  Why didn't I think of that?  Anyway...hubby then proceeded to give me one of the most powerful blessings I have had or witnessed, next to my own patriarchal blessing.  The spirit was SO wonderfully strong.  I truly felt that He knows who I am and He is there with me fighting this battle with me. That He loves me. 

 

I am grateful for a husband who was inspired to ask if I wanted a blessing.  That he has been living a life of "obedience and humility" and was able, through the Priesthood, to give me a blessing of strength.   I am grateful that I, too, have been living a life of faith and obedience and was able to receive such a beautiful tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. 

 

My heart is full for the abundant blessings that the Lord has poured out upon me.  For the miracles that the Lord is working in my husband, myself, our marriage, and our family.  I know that He wants us to heal and to be changed.  He is blessing us in those efforts.  

 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies.  The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.  When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attmept to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaulation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)." (emphasis mine)

 

May we all be able to recognize the tender mercies of the Lord, that we may remember we are  NOT alone as the adversary would have us believe.  That the tender mercies truly can "fortify and protect us" in our trials.  He truly can make us "mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 

Check out this mp3...

The Tender Mercies of the Lord 

I will not FEAR

Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state.  I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery.  In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him.   It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction. 

It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction.  My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography?  What IF  he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them?  What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has)  What IF, What IF . . . ?? 

I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control.  Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone.  I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence.  I was out of control.  My FEAR was in control!

Not this time.  Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached.  It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.

 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7
 

I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord.  That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days.  I know that He can bless me with a sound mind.  With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind.  My life. 

It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,

"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to.  We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."
 

I choose to go to that "safe place".  A place where I don't have to FEAR.  A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power.  His comfort.  His love.  I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord.  I know that I can trust Him. 

Happiness

Credit:  Facebook

"Until we can learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will not be able to find peace in our own lives." ('Healing Through Christ' manual)

The more I work on my own recovery and let go of the things that I can't change about hubby or his addiction, I have begun to find HAPPINESS and PEACE.  And it is beautiful!  I am grateful for the 12-Step Program and the opportunity that I have to really look at myself and work on changing those things that I CAN change, and "let go of the things that I can't change".  I know that the Lord is there to help me change those things in myself (& hubby) that I can't change on my own.  Turning mymyself, as well as my husband, over to the Lord has been SO incredibly freeing and wonderful! 

Like a Child

As I was laying in bed feeding my baby the other morning the thought came to me, "she has to depend on you for EVERYTHING, she can do nothing for herself." As I pondered on that statement several scriptures came to mind . . .

" . . . Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kindgdom of heaven. Whosoever therfore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4

" . . . be not children in understanding; howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men." 1 Corinthians 14:20

" . . . and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19

What qualities do my my baby and young children posses that I might not? What can I learn from my young infant, from my young children that might help me as I work on my own sprititual growth?

"These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts. They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit. They exemplify humility, obedience, and love. They are often the first to love and the first to forgive." Jean A. Stevens, 2011 April General Conference

I have always found it interesting when I get after one of my young children that they immediately turn to me for a hug. They have already forgiven me for being upset with them. How I wish that I would forgive as easily as children do.

In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".

I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.