"Fix it"

 A couple weekends ago M planned to take our oldest two kids hunting several hours away.  Because I was in a cast and unable to walk he didn't feel comfortable leaving me home with the rest of the kiddos.  So we decided that we would all drive to his parents the night before and then he and the older two and his dad would go hunting the next morning while the rest of the kids and I hung out with grandma.

The day that we were planning to leave M did something that triggered me and left me feeling unsafe emotionally.  For a while I wouldn't answer his calls because I knew I wouldn't react well.  I finally answered and told him that I felt lied to because of how things were handled.  He said "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead of validating my feelings he went straight into minimizing them and justifying his actions.  Once again, my feelings didn't matter.

He came home to prepare for the weekend and to talk.  The thing I am realizing is that we can't talk about any of this.  I admit that I have handled it poorly, VERY poorly, in the past and that I didn't handle this "talk" any better.  However, even when I try to share my feelings without blaming my feelings are minimized.  His shame comes to the surface and he can longer hear what I am saying.  He only hears what he thinks I am saying, what he tells himself over and over in his head.

I told him that I was not going with him for the weekend.  I didn't want to pretend to the kids or his parents that everything was perfect and happy.  Because it so wasn't.

I guess he told him mom that we were having some problems and that was why I didn't go.  Her response to him was "Fix it!"

Here we are two weeks out and he isn't working to fix it.  I have told him what I need from him to help heal our marriage, transparency in ALL things.  Every time he says "Ok. I will do it."  And then  NOTHING.  No change.  

M doesn't understand that while he is helping with dishes, kids, housework, and all that it doesn't help build trust.  I so appreciate his help, however he was helpful while in his addiction so doing them now isn't a huge visible change.  I recognize and appreciate his efforts in being more open with me about the feelings and frustrations that he shares with me.  Again though, venting about work, his calling, the kids was something he did when he was in his addiction.  It really frustrates me that I have to ask "What is wrong" before he will share with me.  What is the most frustrating and what I need the most right now is for him to be open about his struggles, what he is doing at work, where his mind is in regards to his addiction, to recovery.  This has always been that secret part of his life and it continues to be the secret part of his life.  Being open and transparent about his thoughts in this regard is where he will begin to build trust.  This is where he will begin to FIX IT.

A week ago M said to me that he felt as though I didn't want him close, that I didn't want him to cuddle with me.  And the truth is, I don't really.  I am starving for an intimate connection with him.  Not the physically intimate connection that he wants.  I want/need to feel the emotional, intimate connection before I want the physical connection.  And I am not getting that.  I want to have a conversations about our feelings.  I want, I need, to talk about something more than the weather or the kids.  I shared these feelings with him and still nothing.  You want to being to fix it?  Here is another jumping off point.

What M doesn't seem to realize it that repairing the trust and the damage is his responsibility to fix.  I know that I have areas where I have caused serious damage and I need to do all I can to fix those.  These things mentioned are some areas where HE needs to put the effort to rebuild our marriage and despite being told what is needed he continues to avoid them because it is uncomfortable, he doesn't see the point, he doesn't see what good it will do, etc.

Until he is willing to be transparent in all things--addiction, work, everything; our marriage can't be fixed.

Until he is willing to connect in an emotional way I really don't have the desire to be physically close and our marriage can't be fixed.

I hope one day M will decide to do everything needed to FIX IT.

Worth

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues.  What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth. 

If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.

If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.

If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.

If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.

On and on it went.

It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself.  Felt that I had worth.

Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated!  I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc.  I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.  

In short, I wasn't enough. 

As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ".  As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me.  This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God. 

I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in.  I am a child of GOD.  I am His daughter.  And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH.  Infinite worth.

I am NOT what I do or do not do.  I am NOT how I look or what others think I am.  My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am.  I am of WORTH because I AM me.

One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness.  I tried to remind him that he is a child of God.  I shared with him the man I see.  The man that the Lord has allowed me to see.  While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself. 

I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him.  To which he said "No, but I need to".  I believe we all need to.  It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us.  (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)

Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes.  Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us.  One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,

"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."

Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict.  He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction. 

The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks.  The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God. 

My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation.  And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth.  I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.

The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Addo Recovery

Like many of the other WoPA's, I was contacted by Eric Red of Addo Recovery in UT, an organization that specializes in helping women who have been hurt by pornography and sexual addiction.

Here is a link to their prelaunch site http://www.addorecovery.com/
**Make sure you click the word "watch" to see a video of an overview of their program.

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Weapons of War

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Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)

 

Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip.  To say I am nervous is an understatement. 

 

I am TERRIFIED!

 

I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more.  I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction.  Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him. 

 

I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.

 

I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate.  We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling.  Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing. 

 

The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away.  In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone.  That there was always something more important for him to be doing.  I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted.  Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.

 

During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me.  I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode.  It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused. 

 

Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away.  I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore.  I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again. 

 

I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore.  I know he knows he has hurt me.  I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart.  I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away. 

 

And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc.  To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah."  "And what about the time you said blankity blank."   Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.

 

I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said.  She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go off".  The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband.  I recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!" 

 

Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war.  "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19).  They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright".  That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18). 

 

"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war".  I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me.  But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it.  Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him?  Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?

 

As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.  

 

Literally bury it. 

 

Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.  

 

And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried.  The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons. 

 

With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.

I
 have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.

Now to go find the place of burial.  I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole. 

 

Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

Dependent on Him

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"And together we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

 

"know thou, . . . that all these things shall give thee experince, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

 

Due to a surgery, I have been sitting around for the last few weeks lame, unable to do much of anything for myself or my family.  I have felt worthless.  If I can't take of my family what worth do I have.  I know I am of worth it is just hard knowing I can't perform my duties as mother and wife.  

 

I have had to deal with the inital pain of the surgery and then the pain of recovery.  The sadness of not being able to carry my baby to bed or to play outside with my kids.  I don't even want to think of the pain that will undoubtly come from the impending physical therapy. 

 

My ankle was badly damaged after years of injuries.  I was in pain most of the time, despite trying to baby it and avoid activities that might cause pain.  Unfortunately after a trying therapy it was determined that my ankle was shot and needed to be "rebuilt".  The two outside ligaments were cut, tightened, and stitched together as well as the tendon going across the front of the ankle. 

 

As I mentioned I have been in pain, still experience pain despite being 3 weeks out from surgery, and know that there will be more pain as therapy resumes.  In order for my ankle to be whole again I had to experience this pain.  This pain has been "for my good".

 

I said above that I have been unable to much for myself or my family due to my surgery and the fact that I can't put weight on my ankle.  So I have had to allow others to take care of me.  I say allow because sure I could try to do things on my own, but it could result in injury to myself or another (my baby if I tried to carry her to bed).  There have been a few times that I have tried to do a few things for myself and have had some close calls. 

 

So I sit.  And watch.  I watch hubby, my mom, my mother-in-law, my kids, and kind ward members do everything for me.

 

I have had some very strong impressions come to me in the last couple of days involving this trial of physical pain in my ankle and how it correlates to the emotional and spiritual pains that I am faced with as a result of hubby's addiction as well as my own addition to co-dependency.

 

Like the pain from my surgery, the pains that I feel as a result of the disclosures, lack of initmacy, loss of trust, that have come as a result of hubby's addiction are necessary.  They are for my good.  It may be hard to see the good, but I am coming to understand and KNOW that they are, in fact, for my good. 

 

Although it may be necessary for me to suffer these pains, it doesn't mean that I need to or CAN suffer them alone.  Just like I have had to be dependent on everyone around me for the last few weeks to help me do the things I can't physically do for myself.  I, too, am dependent on my Savior and His grace to help me endure the emotional, spiritual, and physical pains that I feel. 

 

I hate to ask for help.  I feel as though I can and should do most everything for myself.  Yah, you could say that I am a martyr at times--I am working on that.  I hate to admit that there haven't been many times when I can say that I have truly turned to my Savior for His help. 

 

The story of Peter walking on the water to the Savior came to my mind the other day.  When Peter became frightened and started sinking, He called out to Christ to help him.  I realized that instead of reaching out to my Savior as I began to sink into the rough waters of life I have been treading water, trying to keep my head above water on my own. 

 

There have been a few times when I felt as though my head was sinking below the surface that I reached out to my Savior to pull me back up to safety.  I would thank Him for His help and resume my own treading.

 

As I think about how I have been forced to depend on others because of my current physical limitations, I have also come to realize that I have to stop treading.  To reach my hand out to my Savior, just as Peter did. 

 

I have come to see how truly dependent on Him I am.  For EVERYTHING.  Not just healing from the impact of hubby's addiction in my life, but from my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  From my own sins.  I can NOT be changed without HIM and His grace. 

 

So I reach out and trust in His perfect plan for me.  I trust that He can heal my pains and that "this experience is for my good".



Lies & Truths

"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]"  (2 Nephi 28:22)

 

As part of my "Thirty in Thirty" my sponsor asked me to make a list of the lies that Satan whispers to me.  Sometimes his lies seem more of a deafening yell than a whisper in my ear. 

Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's yells whispers. Some of these lies were reawakened in me from my teen years, some are new and specific to this addiction, and others were lies that I have heard and believed for years--some as long as I can remember. While I was bombarded daily with lies before finding about the addiction, it seemed that satan pulled out all the stops when he saw me struggling emotionally and spiritually after learning of the addiction. And it was so easy to believe those lies.

Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis.  Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again.  It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.

I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.   

A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place.  I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me.  I was feeling so down, so worthless.  Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies. 

Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."

"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."

Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.

If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He will lead us into captivity.  He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.

We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."

After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me.  He was compassionate and loving.  He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told.  That I am a daughter of God.  He said the pain I was feeling could be a  'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.

Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing.  I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie.  Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.

In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer.  "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost."  (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)

One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me.  With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted.  I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me.  That I am a daughter of God.  That He knows me personally.  That I am loved.  That I am not worthless.  I am of infinite worth to Him.  That my Savior loves me.  That I am NOT alone.  That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.

"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.  The Spirit of truth is of God.  I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)

I am grateful for this assignment.  For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES!  I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth.  I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.

"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever.  Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)

Big step

Yesterday I made a scary step in my recovery.  I made a call to a sponsor, a woman I have never met.  I have had her phone number for a few weeks and have been unable to muster up the nerve to call. 

What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?

I was really struggling Thursday.  I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  I was feeling very down on myself.  I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously.  I was awful.  I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain.  It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.

After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction.  I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues.  I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave.  Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever.  It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.

This was a HUGE wake up call for me.  I don't want to go on like this.  I can't go on like this.  Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING.  I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary. 

I need help.  Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart.  I need to address my own addicitions.  My own character flaws.  I need the peace that only my Savior can give me. 

I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor.  Of working a "Thirty in Thirty".  I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation. 

I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.

I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery! 

Tender Mercies

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It seems as though the Lord is pouring out blessings every where I turn.  Or it could be that I am currently in a place, spiritually speaking, that I am able to see and recognize His abundant blessings.  I am humbled as I realize many tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with as of late. 

 

In the LDS ARP manual under Step 2 it reads, "You will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover." (empahsis added) 

 

To be honest, I am not really sure I could have told you what a tender mercy was before I began this journey of recovery.  It was a phrase I had heard and had used, but I didn't KNOW what it meant for me personally.  I didn't understand WHAT a tender mercy was. 

 

David A. Bednar says, " . . . the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.  Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men'. (D&C 46:15)." (empahsis added)

 

He goes on to say, " . . . as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord." 

 

As I face the challenge of moving forward from the pain and despair that I have felt in the wake of huby's addiction and the reality of my own addictions, I truly have been blessed with the "gift of faith".  Faith in knowing that He is there for me, to carry me.  That He loves me.  Faith in knowing that He can heal me.  Faith that He can change my heart if I am willing to turn myself, character flaws and all, over to Him.  Faith that He hears my prayers and will answer them.

 

Sunday night my family and I were driving home from a quick visit to my parent's house two hours away.  It was late, I was tired, and my two youngest children were crying.  And not just crying, they were S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G.  We were getting low on gas, but I felt that I shouldn't stop to fill up becasuse it was the sabbath.  I did think to myself that if I stopped to fill up I might be able to console the little ones enough that the final half hour of the trip would be void of crying.  However, I chose not to stop for gas.  The crying became worse and was really starting to grate on me and I could feel myself sinking into a dark place.  I silently said a prayer to my Father in Heaven asking him to give me the strength to deal with the crying and that we might be able to make it home with enough gas for me to pick up my kindergartener the next morning.  While the crying did NOT stop, in fact, it got WORSE the Lord blessed me with the strength and ability to handle the crying.  I immediately felt my spirits lift and I was pulled out of the dark place I had been.  We made it home with enough gas to make it the following morning to pick up my son and get to town to fill up.  This answer to my prayer was a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven.

 

Elder Bednar continues, "The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure thes important blessings." (empahsis added)

 

I have to come to see that the more I turn my will over to the Lord, the more readily he blesses me.  I am inviting "His tender mercies as I use my agency to choose God."  What a wonderful concept.  The more I choose to be faithful and obedient, the more willing He will be to bless me.  And the more my eyes are opened to those blessings. 

 

Monday night hubby and I were blessed to experience an amazing, humbling tender mercy from the Lord.  I had been feeling bombarded by whisperings from the adversary and was struggling greatly.  I was a sobbing, tear-streaked mess.  Hubby asked me if I would like a blessing.  Why didn't I think of that?  Anyway...hubby then proceeded to give me one of the most powerful blessings I have had or witnessed, next to my own patriarchal blessing.  The spirit was SO wonderfully strong.  I truly felt that He knows who I am and He is there with me fighting this battle with me. That He loves me. 

 

I am grateful for a husband who was inspired to ask if I wanted a blessing.  That he has been living a life of "obedience and humility" and was able, through the Priesthood, to give me a blessing of strength.   I am grateful that I, too, have been living a life of faith and obedience and was able to receive such a beautiful tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. 

 

My heart is full for the abundant blessings that the Lord has poured out upon me.  For the miracles that the Lord is working in my husband, myself, our marriage, and our family.  I know that He wants us to heal and to be changed.  He is blessing us in those efforts.  

 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies.  The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.  When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attmept to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaulation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)." (emphasis mine)

 

May we all be able to recognize the tender mercies of the Lord, that we may remember we are  NOT alone as the adversary would have us believe.  That the tender mercies truly can "fortify and protect us" in our trials.  He truly can make us "mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 

Check out this mp3...

The Tender Mercies of the Lord 

My story

I have struggled for quite some time whether or not to start a blog mainly because I read all the other blogs of wifes & addicts and I feel so inadequate.  I am not as good with words as others, I don't remember the things I read very well so recalling a quote or scripture to go along with my topic is hard, and so many other reasons.  However, as I have layed in bed the last couple of mornings I have been impressed to start a blog, even if it is just to journal my path to recovery.  So here goes . . .

 

In October 2011 several things--finding out about a friend's husbands infidelity, a family friend calling my husband asking for help because he (the friend) had a "problem" looking at inappropriate stuff online, and my husband's increasing depression--led up to me finding out that my husband was addicted pornography and masturbation.  I will say that there were two times previous to this when hubby had told me that he had looked at pornography, but I was led to believe they were just "little" slips of judgement.  I was naive and didn't understand, or want to understand, that this was something much BIGGER than just a couple incidents.  The truth slowly and painfully trickled out as I prodded for more understanding.  He wasn't very forthcoming with any of the truth, which hurt more.  I never felt like he was being honest with me. I found out that this had been a problem our ENTIRE marriage. I was heartbroken and felt that our 14 years of marriage had all been a LIE!  I felt empty, broken, worthless, unwanted, unattractive, etc.  I wanted to be wanted like he wanted the women he would look at.  I wanted to be the ONLY woman that he thought about, the only woman that he wanted to be with.  I wanted to be cherished.  I hated that he looked at that smut, that it was more "important" to him than his wife, his kids, his job, our marriage.  I was determined to get it out of his life, out of MY marriage.  So I dove headfirst into fixing him.  I got the LDS ARP manual for him and we began to study it at night together.  We would pray together.  I would remind him to say his prayers.  WE were going to beat this TOGETHER!  He attended several PASG meetings until his business travel got in the way, but things were good!  Then I got pregnant and we all know with that comes consuming tiredness, sickness, and body changes that make a woman, at least make myself, feel less than attractive.  I became consumed with taking care of my children, the baby growing in my belly, and the household chores that our study and prayers fell to the wayside.  I felt like things were going pretty good with us, with HIM, but life was CRAZY with back-to-school, sports, work, a new baby, etc.  It seemed like hubby and I hardly talked about ANYTHING anymore, especially the elephant in the room--his addiciton.  I felt like something was "off" but wasn't sure if it was the baby blues and the constant demands of our large family.  Almost a year after the first D-day, I couldn't take the uneasiness that I felt and blew up at hubby, accusing him of being/acting differently since returning from his most recent business trip.  He left for a hunting trip and nothing more was said.  Almost a week after my outburst we sat down to talk one evening and I finally found the nerve to ask hubby how he was doing in regards to the addiciton.  He said that he had been doing pretty good.  He hadn't viewed anything on his business trips or masturbated since it all came out a year ago.  He admitted that he had seen a movie trailer on youtube and when he realized what it was he turned it off.  We had a good night, but I just couldn't shake the uneasiness that I still felt.  So the next day I got onto youtube to look up the movie trailer he had mentioned.  I quickly realized that he HAD to know exactly what the trailer was about based just off the small photo.   I called him at work and accused him, he quickly tried to backpedal as he realized he had been found out.  I hung up and wouldn't answer his calls.  I was SO hurt.  The pain almost seemed worse this time around.  I was already struggling terribly with my body image as I had just recently had a baby and was feeling jiggly and overweight.  The pain of finding out that he was back to looking at stuff was crushing, I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  He ended up coming home and I threw accusations at him left and right as he denied them all.  Eventually hubby admitted that he had started looking at youtube videos out of boredom and were benign--how-to videos, car crashes, etc.  However, as he let his guard down it became easy for him to slip into old ways.  Hubby said he was ready to have it out of his life, but didn't really make big changes to support that.    I would have good days and then I would have some REALLY bad days.  While he was on yet another business trip I became so upset at him.  Here I was at home dealing with OUR kids, maintaining OUR home, missing HIM all the while I was sure that he was indulging himself in his addiction (he wasn't).  When he returned home things weren't good and I lashed out with all the hurt, anger, disappointment that I had been feeling about him, the addiction, ALL. OF. IT.  I told him of a boundary that I had set while he was away--I will NOT live with someone that is NOT in recovery.  I simply could NOT deal with the emotional distress that comes when he is in his addiction.  So I left in a fury!  I ended up coming home for fear that he might do something drastic, but we both ended up sleeping in seperate rooms.  He went to work the next day, but ended up coming home after I wouldn't return any of his calls.  There was no way that I could talk to him.  I was so broken, so angry, so disgusted, and on and on.  He ended up visiting with the bishop that day.  Eventually we ended up talking and made a decision that we wanted to work through our individual problems, each working our own recovery.  I am happy to say that he has been doing amazing!  I know that it is only through the Lord that hubby has been doing so well.  I have had good days with some bad days mixed in here and there.  Thanksgiving was a turning point for us.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue in the relationship as the pain was too much for me.  I couldn't go to a store, the kids' school, ANYWHERE without seeing a woman that was better looking, skinnier, etc than I was.  I was sure that everywhere we went he was fantasizing about all the other women.  I told hubby that I wasn't going with him to his parents for Thanksgiving, I was D.O.N.E. and wasn't going to pretend that everything was honky dory with us.  I can't say what made me change my mind other than I am sure that it was the Lord softening my heart of ice.  I ended up going to Thanksgiving and it was great!  I felt the spirit of the Lord giving me hope and peace as I opened my heart to HIM.  I was taught some things about myself through the spirit as was hubby.  We came home knowing that our Father in Heaven is aware of each of us, individually and as a couple.  He is there to help us on our journeys of recovery and healing.  We began attending LDS PASG meetings (seperately) and an LDS ARP recovery meeting (together).  And that my friends is what has brought me to this point . . . sorry for the long-winded story.  I look forward to sharing my journey of healing and recovery.