Where is the line between honesty & dishonesty? Truth between a lie? What is considered being truth or untruthful? I suppose it varies from person to person depending on their beliefs. What might be thought of as untruthful for one is not for another.
This seems to be the case with M and I. I am struggling to understand how the man I love, who said he loved me could lie to me, to my face, and not blink an eye. And despite a year of recovery still adamantly deny being dishonest to me. This is a man that if you were to ask him a simple, meaningless question can't lie. It is written all over his face. So how can he lie so easily about real things, things that matter, that have the potential to destroy his family and claim he wasn't dishonest?
Is there a difference between simply omitting certain details and actual dishonesty? In some circumstances, sure I guess, or does it have more to do with motive rather that what is or is NOT being said?
Here are a few definitions--
dishonest: characterized by lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness;
deceptive
dishonesty: lack of honesty or integrity; disposition to defraud or
deceive
deceive: to be false to; beguile, delude, mislead
untruthful: discrepancy between what is said and fact or reality
lie: to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive, to create a false
or misleading representation
omit: to leave out or leave unmentioned
To me they sound quite similar, and all too familiar. For 15 years my husband lied to me about his *little* problem or in his words he "didn't tell me everything about his struggle." He would come home from work and be a good, attentive dad and really, a good husband--helpful, engaged, etc. Yet his life at work or on business trips was completely different. When I would ask how his day was, what he had going on, etc he would tell me just enough to placate me. He would omit certain details like um, "I spent 3 hours viewing porn and fantasizing at work today." Or, "I really want to get off the phone because the computer is calling my name. Sorry you are home dealing with the kids alone while I am fantasizing and taking care of myself". His intent was to deceive me, to hide his other life.
Knowing that my husband wants every other woman and finds pleasure watching women be degraded is excruciatingly painful. However, the dishonesty and his unwillingness to recognize it as such makes me see red. Like I wanna rip off his head and throw it across the room, RED! More than that though it will be a death sentence to our marriage. I wish he could see and really understand that. Just be honest, damn it!
It reminds me of what children are told a lot, "You might get in trouble for doing (fill in the blank). However, if you lie about it you will get in trouble for the wrong done AND for lying." He doesn't get it.
I simply can't tolerate any more dishonesty, being untruthful, lies, deception, omissions, NOTHING! I need complete transparency in all things not just the stupid addiction. ALL things!
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Friday, December 6, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Struggling....
I am struggling today.
Mr. Hopeful and I had a "discussion" last night that went nowhere and left a wedge between us. I am left feeling confused, unheard, and as though my feelings don't matter. That he knows what is best for me, my healing, and the healing of our marriage.
We had been doing well. SO well. We have shared a closeness on so many levels. A closeness that I am not sure we have had in our almost 16 years of marriage. I hate feeling a distance now rather than the closeness. I hate the heaviness I feel in my heart.
I shared with Mr. Hopeful that I had been triggered at the local parade. While I had been triggered I was still able to enjoy time with my family and didn't dwell on the triggers or allow other negative thoughts to overrun my mind. I can't remember if I asked if he had been triggered or if he volunteered the information, but he told me that he had been afraid to go to the parade because he "can't control the situations around him" (how people are dressed or NOT dressed, ads, etc). This left me feeling even more triggered. I realize he can't control what is around him. However, he does have control over how he responds. So why the fear?!?
His lack of opening up to me, without prompting, about his fears was a HUGE trigger for me. The last two major disclosures in the past two years have been prompted by ME. He did not initiate the discussions and I had to pry over days, weeks, months to find out what was really going on. For months I would ask how he was doing, what was going on and his response was always "I'm good. Nothing is going on. Just stressed/bored at work". Only to find out that daily he was struggling--viewing, fantasizing, objectifying, using, etc.
I have tried to express on MANY occasions that I need him to share his struggles (temptations, triggers) with me. Sharing those struggles with me instead of keeping them from me shows me that he is willing to be transparent and honest about where he is at that day in regards to his recovery. I don't expect him to be perfect. I know that there are daily temptations and thoughts that come in. I just don't want to be told "everything is good." I have heard that before--for 16 years--and it wasn't good. He doesn't understand how that level of transparency can do anything in helping to rebuild trust. He doesn't think it can help either of us.
It hurts so much that he isn't willing to try. It leaves me feeling that I am not worth it, that WE are not worth it, to him to try. I have asked him repeatedly to share with me, good and bad, yet he won't. He thinks he knows best what I need and disregards what I tell him I need. What I need is raw honesty. I need him to be real. Not to share what he thinks I want or need to hear.
What I want AND need to hear is the truth. His struggles. His victories. Not the things that make it seem that life is rainbows and butterflies. Because it isn't. Life is hard. Life is messy. There are temptations, triggers, and struggles. That is life.
How do I reconcile my needs with his fears? I am unsure of how to move forward.
Mr. Hopeful and I had a "discussion" last night that went nowhere and left a wedge between us. I am left feeling confused, unheard, and as though my feelings don't matter. That he knows what is best for me, my healing, and the healing of our marriage.
We had been doing well. SO well. We have shared a closeness on so many levels. A closeness that I am not sure we have had in our almost 16 years of marriage. I hate feeling a distance now rather than the closeness. I hate the heaviness I feel in my heart.
I shared with Mr. Hopeful that I had been triggered at the local parade. While I had been triggered I was still able to enjoy time with my family and didn't dwell on the triggers or allow other negative thoughts to overrun my mind. I can't remember if I asked if he had been triggered or if he volunteered the information, but he told me that he had been afraid to go to the parade because he "can't control the situations around him" (how people are dressed or NOT dressed, ads, etc). This left me feeling even more triggered. I realize he can't control what is around him. However, he does have control over how he responds. So why the fear?!?
His lack of opening up to me, without prompting, about his fears was a HUGE trigger for me. The last two major disclosures in the past two years have been prompted by ME. He did not initiate the discussions and I had to pry over days, weeks, months to find out what was really going on. For months I would ask how he was doing, what was going on and his response was always "I'm good. Nothing is going on. Just stressed/bored at work". Only to find out that daily he was struggling--viewing, fantasizing, objectifying, using, etc.
I have tried to express on MANY occasions that I need him to share his struggles (temptations, triggers) with me. Sharing those struggles with me instead of keeping them from me shows me that he is willing to be transparent and honest about where he is at that day in regards to his recovery. I don't expect him to be perfect. I know that there are daily temptations and thoughts that come in. I just don't want to be told "everything is good." I have heard that before--for 16 years--and it wasn't good. He doesn't understand how that level of transparency can do anything in helping to rebuild trust. He doesn't think it can help either of us.
It hurts so much that he isn't willing to try. It leaves me feeling that I am not worth it, that WE are not worth it, to him to try. I have asked him repeatedly to share with me, good and bad, yet he won't. He thinks he knows best what I need and disregards what I tell him I need. What I need is raw honesty. I need him to be real. Not to share what he thinks I want or need to hear.
What I want AND need to hear is the truth. His struggles. His victories. Not the things that make it seem that life is rainbows and butterflies. Because it isn't. Life is hard. Life is messy. There are temptations, triggers, and struggles. That is life.
How do I reconcile my needs with his fears? I am unsure of how to move forward.
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