The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Survived & Thrived

Right about now Mr. Hopeful is boarding the first of several airplanes on his way home from his business trip.  The count down is on . . . only 9 hours or so until he walks through the door.

I can't tell you how excited I am to see him.  To throw my arms around him and squeeze the life out of him. 

I was quite nervous for him to leave this week.  When Mr. Hopeful has traveled for work in the past it was a time of indulging in his addiction.  I always felt a disconnect, especially on the phone, but never quite understood why until the addiction came to light. 

So of course it goes without saying, business trips are a HUGE trigger for me.  I was worried about what could possibly happen this week.  I am reminded of this quote from the Healing Through Christ manual yesterday, " . . . worrying about them does not keep them from happening.  Worrying can make us 'terminally miserable', [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives." 

In the past, worrying all week about what Mr. Hopeful may or may not do has kept me from living MY life.  Worrying if he was lusting after women at the restaurant or driving along the freeway kept me from enjoying my children and the joy they bring to my life. 

This week was good.  I didn't worry.  I didn't fear.

 I survived.  I thrived!

Sure there were times when a thought of doubt would enter in, but those worries and fears were quickly dispelled.  If a thought troubled me more I said a prayer and asked that it be taken away. 

I felt much comfort and peace this week. 

Some of the things that we did, and will do for future trips (he has two more week long trips in the next month =( ), 1--had family prayer over the phone, 2--the kids prayed for us here at home and dad in their personal prayers, 3--Mr. Hopeful called to say a quick "Hi, I love you.  Hope your day is going well." everyday, 4--He and I attended meetings (by phone or in person), 5--Mr. Hopeful and I ended our nights by reading a talk or sharing something we learned from our meeting or the scriptures, 6--had couple prayer over the phone, 7--went to bed early. 

I had also asked Mr. Hopeful for a blessing previous to him leaving.  I will be asking for a blessing before each trip as I received much strength and comfort from this one.

Sparrow had mentioned that her husband had prayed "for his hotel room to be a place for the Spirit to reside."  Mr. Hopeful commented on how much he felt the spirit in his room as he did this.  Thanks Sparrow! ;)

Travel is a part of Mr. Hopeful's job and I am so grateful that he has a job, a good job, that provides SO much for our large family.  I know that as we turn to the Lord, He gives us, Mr. Hopeful, myself, and our family, the strength and peace to survive these difficult trips.  Not just survive, but to be happy.  To have hope.  To have strength to deal with the temptations and the fears.

To THRIVE.

Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

Dependent on Him

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"And together we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

 

"know thou, . . . that all these things shall give thee experince, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

 

Due to a surgery, I have been sitting around for the last few weeks lame, unable to do much of anything for myself or my family.  I have felt worthless.  If I can't take of my family what worth do I have.  I know I am of worth it is just hard knowing I can't perform my duties as mother and wife.  

 

I have had to deal with the inital pain of the surgery and then the pain of recovery.  The sadness of not being able to carry my baby to bed or to play outside with my kids.  I don't even want to think of the pain that will undoubtly come from the impending physical therapy. 

 

My ankle was badly damaged after years of injuries.  I was in pain most of the time, despite trying to baby it and avoid activities that might cause pain.  Unfortunately after a trying therapy it was determined that my ankle was shot and needed to be "rebuilt".  The two outside ligaments were cut, tightened, and stitched together as well as the tendon going across the front of the ankle. 

 

As I mentioned I have been in pain, still experience pain despite being 3 weeks out from surgery, and know that there will be more pain as therapy resumes.  In order for my ankle to be whole again I had to experience this pain.  This pain has been "for my good".

 

I said above that I have been unable to much for myself or my family due to my surgery and the fact that I can't put weight on my ankle.  So I have had to allow others to take care of me.  I say allow because sure I could try to do things on my own, but it could result in injury to myself or another (my baby if I tried to carry her to bed).  There have been a few times that I have tried to do a few things for myself and have had some close calls. 

 

So I sit.  And watch.  I watch hubby, my mom, my mother-in-law, my kids, and kind ward members do everything for me.

 

I have had some very strong impressions come to me in the last couple of days involving this trial of physical pain in my ankle and how it correlates to the emotional and spiritual pains that I am faced with as a result of hubby's addiction as well as my own addition to co-dependency.

 

Like the pain from my surgery, the pains that I feel as a result of the disclosures, lack of initmacy, loss of trust, that have come as a result of hubby's addiction are necessary.  They are for my good.  It may be hard to see the good, but I am coming to understand and KNOW that they are, in fact, for my good. 

 

Although it may be necessary for me to suffer these pains, it doesn't mean that I need to or CAN suffer them alone.  Just like I have had to be dependent on everyone around me for the last few weeks to help me do the things I can't physically do for myself.  I, too, am dependent on my Savior and His grace to help me endure the emotional, spiritual, and physical pains that I feel. 

 

I hate to ask for help.  I feel as though I can and should do most everything for myself.  Yah, you could say that I am a martyr at times--I am working on that.  I hate to admit that there haven't been many times when I can say that I have truly turned to my Savior for His help. 

 

The story of Peter walking on the water to the Savior came to my mind the other day.  When Peter became frightened and started sinking, He called out to Christ to help him.  I realized that instead of reaching out to my Savior as I began to sink into the rough waters of life I have been treading water, trying to keep my head above water on my own. 

 

There have been a few times when I felt as though my head was sinking below the surface that I reached out to my Savior to pull me back up to safety.  I would thank Him for His help and resume my own treading.

 

As I think about how I have been forced to depend on others because of my current physical limitations, I have also come to realize that I have to stop treading.  To reach my hand out to my Savior, just as Peter did. 

 

I have come to see how truly dependent on Him I am.  For EVERYTHING.  Not just healing from the impact of hubby's addiction in my life, but from my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  From my own sins.  I can NOT be changed without HIM and His grace. 

 

So I reach out and trust in His perfect plan for me.  I trust that He can heal my pains and that "this experience is for my good".



Lifting Burdens

 

A few weeks ago I had a day when I was struggling a great deal.  I felt very down on myself.  I felt forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  In turn, I isolated myself from Him.

I had an experience that day that made me know that He hadn't forgotten me.  He IS aware of me and He loves me. That He will carry me through this difficult time.

I stepped out of the shower that morning and heard my 2-year old crying.  He is always climbing up on something so I was afraid that he might have fallen or might possibly be stuck up on a shelf unable to get down.  I quickly threw a towel around me and ran to the sound of his cry.

I found him at the bottom of the stairs with an arm full of toy cars.  He was trying desperately to carry all of the cars but he kept dropping them.  As he would pick one up two more would drop.  He was frustrated that he couldn't carry all of them. 

In effort to help him, I bent down to take the cars from him and carry them up the stairs for him which caused him to cry all the more.  I tried to let him know that I was only trying to help him, but he was UPSET.  He wanted to carry all of them on his own despite being able to.

As this situation played out I received a strong impression from the Lord.  I have been trying to carry everything on my own, unable to because there is just too much.  I don't have to try to do it on my own.  He is there for me, waiting for me to hand my burdens, my "arm full of cars", to Him.

It is not like this lesson was new to me in anyway, but I needed a gentle reminder.   

Like my son, I have "screamed" at the Lord when He has tried to help me with my load.  When I thought I need to do this on my own.  Other times I have handed him a few of my "cars" only to take them back.

A scripture came to mind as I pondered on this lesson I had been taught.  "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer righteous to be moved." (Psalms 55:22-emphasis mine)

I need to be willing to hand my burdens over to Him.  By doing so He will bless me with His grace to patiently endure the trials that I face. 

I can't expect Him to take ease my burdens without doing something for Him.  In Matthew 11:28-30 we read,

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke [name of Christ] upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (emphasis added)
 

He has asked us to come to Him.  To learn of Him.  When we do so He will ease our burdens.  He will give us rest.

What an amazing blessing this is.

Because of His willingness to suffer for each of our sins, temptations, sorrows, pains, discomforts, etc, the Savior has a perfect knowledge of what we are feeling.  The burdens that we are carrying because He carried them FOR us.  He has compassion on us in our times of difficulty. 

Elder Flávio A. Cooper said,

"The Savior can respond to our requests for help in several ways, including (a) relieving or lightening our burdens, (b) increasing our strength to carry our burdens, (c) allowing increased burdens to give us needed experience, and (d) not providing immediate help in order to test and strengthen our faith and to teach us."
 

I have personally felt my burdens be made light and even relieved when I have turned to Him in moments of struggle.  I have received strength to carry the burdens that I have been asked to carry. 

In Mosiah we read the story of Limhi and his people.  The lamanites "put heavy burdens on the backs" of the people of Limhi.  They humbled themselves before the Lord and prayed that he might deliver them from their afflictions.  While the Lord didn't deliver them from bondage he did soften the hearts of the Lamanites that their burdens were lightened.

Then later in Mosiah it tells of Alma and his brethern whose burdens were made light.  “The burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15)

I find great peace in this quote by Elder Marion D. Hanks. "Thus the promise is that in times of sorrow and affliction, if we endure and reamin faithful and put our trust in Him and are courageous, the Lord will visit us in our afflictions, strengthen us to carry our burdens and support us in our trials.  He'll be with us to the end of our days, lift us at the last day to greater opportunities for service, and exalt us at last with Him and reunited loved one, and He will consecrate our afflictions to our gain."

Consecrate means--Make or declare sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.

While it may not seem so while we are in the thick of it, the difficulties of life are a blessing.  They "initiate a desire within us to come to the Lord." (quote from The Peacegiver)  Our trials and afflictions are there to help us to humble oursleves and turn to Him.  To become more like Him.  This is the divine purpose of our trials.

'And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree, spirnging up in you unto everlasting life.  And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son.  And even all this can ye do if ye will.  Amen" (Alma 33:23)

Going back to the story of my son, there was no possible way for him to carry all of the cars that he was wanting to without dropping them or without help from me.  Just like him, there is no way that I can even begin to carry all that I have been given on my own.  I am not expected to.  I am asked to have faith, learn of Him, and turn to my Savior. 

He can and will help me to carry my burdens.  But I need to allow Him to.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

He will strengthen me.

 

I will not FEAR

Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state.  I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery.  In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him.   It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction. 

It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction.  My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography?  What IF  he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them?  What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has)  What IF, What IF . . . ?? 

I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control.  Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone.  I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence.  I was out of control.  My FEAR was in control!

Not this time.  Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached.  It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.

 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7
 

I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord.  That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days.  I know that He can bless me with a sound mind.  With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind.  My life. 

It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,

"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to.  We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."
 

I choose to go to that "safe place".  A place where I don't have to FEAR.  A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power.  His comfort.  His love.  I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord.  I know that I can trust Him. 

Shoulder tap

I was quickly checking Facebook the other day and came across a quote that resonated with me, especially since this past weekend I did the opposite of what it says; but that is another post for another day. 

Just because the past taps you on the shoulders, doesn't mean you have to look back.
 

Most days I do pretty well staying in the present, focusing on today, and not allowing "yesterday to hold today or tomorrow hostage".  However, there are days when I can feel the past tapping me on the shoulder, when I can feel Satan trying to get me to feel the awful hurt and worthlessness that I felt.  I have found that I can turn to the Lord and honestly tell him that I am struggling with those feelings and to please bless me with His grace in handling these feelings.  I can't expect Him to take it every time I ALLOW those feelings to take over my mind, my heart, my day.  I need to make every conscious effort to keep from allowing myself to "look back" and allow those thoughts and feelings in.  By letting the thoughts in I am not allowing the Lord to bless me with His grace, with His strength and peace.