Progress?

Since finding out about M's addiction my feelings have run the gamut...overwhelming sadness, denial, depression, bouts of anger, hurt, and so much more.  Some days are good and I can make it through the day without shedding any tears.  Other days I am a mascara-streaked, crumpled mess.  Some days I am at peace with where we are at and others I am weighed down with the heaviness of where we are at.

Lately I feel ANGRY!  

Angry that M could lie so easily to me and more so that he would choose to lie to me...over and over.  I am angry that he refuses to acknowledge that he lied or the damage it has had on me and our marriage.  I am angry that I can't trust him to tell me the truth about anything because he finds it so easy to lie.  I am angry that he says it isn't up to him to earn the trust back.

I am angry that while I was home taking care of OUR household and family, he was spending hours watching porn and fantasizing. Angry that he put his job in jeopardy every time he viewed at work or while on business trips. 

I am angry that he used his resentments toward me, or anyone else, as reason to act out.  Angry that he said I was the reason he turned back to it after we were married.  

I am so angry that despite me being understanding the first couple times he told me he had a "little struggle" with porn, he hid it from me the until the last two D-days. It wasn't until I finally asked "what is going on" that he said anything and even then it was a trickle.  I had to pry for more and more.  He didn't come out with it up front. 

I am angry that I can't talk to M about my feelings because he shuts down, minimizes my feelings, or justifies them away.  I am angry that his feelings matter more than mine, more than trying to rebuild our marriage.

I am angry that M repeatedly "stepped out" on our marriage with thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women.  While it was not physically with other women (that I know of) he had affairs in his mind daily and acted out sexually with himself.  In my mind that is no different than physically being with another woman.  I am angry that there were no repercussions for his actions in regards to his standing in the church.  Nothing.  I am angry that something as simple as drinking coffee will keep an individual from being to attend the temple, but viewing and fantasizing about thousands of women while sexually taking care of his needs doesn't.  The Savior said, "...That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart".  

I am angry that M used me to get his fix.  Angry that what should have been special has been made to be cheap and common.  Angry that I can't trust whether he is wanting to truly connect with me or if he is just needing a fix.  Angry that I don't know if he is thinking about me during or if he is pulling up old images, old fantasies.

I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition.  There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction.  I was left feeling like a crazy person.

I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.

This post could go on for quite some time...Needless to say, I am hurt.  I am angry.  

And you know what?  That is okay.  It isn't being unChristlike.  Christ felt anger.  Heavenly Father feels anger.  The way I deal with the anger determines if I am being Christlike or not.  My anger is a result of the choices and betrayal of M.  And now it is up to me how I handle my anger.  Right now I am choosing to write about it.   I may choose to talk about it.  I may even choose to break some things.   

I recently read that several other wives are dealing with feelings of anger as a result of their own husband's addictions.  A couple of them were told by their therapists that they were making progress in their healing as it is good and necessary to feel and acknowledge the anger.  That is is part of the grieving process.

Well right now I am feeling it.  I am acknowledging it.  Feeling it is important and imperative to my healing. So maybe, just maybe I am making progress?!? 

Journey of Patience

It is said that recovery is a journey, a process, and NOT an end destination.  That every day we need to be diligent in our efforts otherwise we leave ourselves open to the real possibility that we will return to our old, unhealthy behaviors.  I have also heard that recovery is hard work.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives.  At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.

There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit.  I want to go back to "normal".  Whatever that is.  

A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."  

I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days.  I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful.  There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me."  "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you."  "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?"   "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?"  "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"

I have never been a real patient person.  Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7.  The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small.  When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future.  Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly.  For me, it meant NOW.  Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work.  Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down.  But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9. 

If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt.  If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage.  Possibly bringing it to an end.  I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process.  I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey. 

There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries.  Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord.  Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself.  Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful.  Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality. 

This really is a journey.  Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty.  Recovery is truly the journey of life.  I believe it is why we are here on this earth.  Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior.  Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives. 

We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome.  No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own.  It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it.  It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.  

I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into.  He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel".  I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel."  I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program. 

I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change.  I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own.  I can't.  I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself..  Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him.  I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me.  To ease the burdens of my pains.

I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb).  I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise.  I will be blessed beyond measure. 

The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

Dependent on Him

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"And together we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

 

"know thou, . . . that all these things shall give thee experince, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

 

Due to a surgery, I have been sitting around for the last few weeks lame, unable to do much of anything for myself or my family.  I have felt worthless.  If I can't take of my family what worth do I have.  I know I am of worth it is just hard knowing I can't perform my duties as mother and wife.  

 

I have had to deal with the inital pain of the surgery and then the pain of recovery.  The sadness of not being able to carry my baby to bed or to play outside with my kids.  I don't even want to think of the pain that will undoubtly come from the impending physical therapy. 

 

My ankle was badly damaged after years of injuries.  I was in pain most of the time, despite trying to baby it and avoid activities that might cause pain.  Unfortunately after a trying therapy it was determined that my ankle was shot and needed to be "rebuilt".  The two outside ligaments were cut, tightened, and stitched together as well as the tendon going across the front of the ankle. 

 

As I mentioned I have been in pain, still experience pain despite being 3 weeks out from surgery, and know that there will be more pain as therapy resumes.  In order for my ankle to be whole again I had to experience this pain.  This pain has been "for my good".

 

I said above that I have been unable to much for myself or my family due to my surgery and the fact that I can't put weight on my ankle.  So I have had to allow others to take care of me.  I say allow because sure I could try to do things on my own, but it could result in injury to myself or another (my baby if I tried to carry her to bed).  There have been a few times that I have tried to do a few things for myself and have had some close calls. 

 

So I sit.  And watch.  I watch hubby, my mom, my mother-in-law, my kids, and kind ward members do everything for me.

 

I have had some very strong impressions come to me in the last couple of days involving this trial of physical pain in my ankle and how it correlates to the emotional and spiritual pains that I am faced with as a result of hubby's addiction as well as my own addition to co-dependency.

 

Like the pain from my surgery, the pains that I feel as a result of the disclosures, lack of initmacy, loss of trust, that have come as a result of hubby's addiction are necessary.  They are for my good.  It may be hard to see the good, but I am coming to understand and KNOW that they are, in fact, for my good. 

 

Although it may be necessary for me to suffer these pains, it doesn't mean that I need to or CAN suffer them alone.  Just like I have had to be dependent on everyone around me for the last few weeks to help me do the things I can't physically do for myself.  I, too, am dependent on my Savior and His grace to help me endure the emotional, spiritual, and physical pains that I feel. 

 

I hate to ask for help.  I feel as though I can and should do most everything for myself.  Yah, you could say that I am a martyr at times--I am working on that.  I hate to admit that there haven't been many times when I can say that I have truly turned to my Savior for His help. 

 

The story of Peter walking on the water to the Savior came to my mind the other day.  When Peter became frightened and started sinking, He called out to Christ to help him.  I realized that instead of reaching out to my Savior as I began to sink into the rough waters of life I have been treading water, trying to keep my head above water on my own. 

 

There have been a few times when I felt as though my head was sinking below the surface that I reached out to my Savior to pull me back up to safety.  I would thank Him for His help and resume my own treading.

 

As I think about how I have been forced to depend on others because of my current physical limitations, I have also come to realize that I have to stop treading.  To reach my hand out to my Savior, just as Peter did. 

 

I have come to see how truly dependent on Him I am.  For EVERYTHING.  Not just healing from the impact of hubby's addiction in my life, but from my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  From my own sins.  I can NOT be changed without HIM and His grace. 

 

So I reach out and trust in His perfect plan for me.  I trust that He can heal my pains and that "this experience is for my good".



Needs

As a mom I am constantly worrying about and taking care of the needs of my family.  There is the seemlingly never ending list of needs--Diapers that need changing, meals that need prepared, laundry needing washed and folded, stories to be read, homework that needs to be checked and explained, baby that needs fed, cuddle time, kisses for the little bumps and bruises, attention as they tell me about their day, hugs just to know they are loved, a house that needs straightened up, and the list goes on and on and on.

I love being a mom and a wife.  I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family.  A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family.  I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family. 

I have become very adept at knowing what my children need.  There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs.  Although not by my own efforts for sure. 

In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well.  I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs.  We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.

When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough.  I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs.   I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs. 

I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton.  That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good.  I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more. 

And then he relapsed. 

How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed?  I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again.  What happened? 

In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs.  How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed.  And that I could provide what HE needed. 

In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need. 

There is only ONE who knows what we each need.  He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need.  He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING.  He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US.  So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know.  He see what we do not see.  Trust in Him.  He knows what is best for His child . . ."

I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me.  He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth.  He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart.  I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.

I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby.  That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do. 

Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need.    While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally.   As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small.  It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)

I do not know what is best for me.  I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually.  I can't know what is best for hubby.  I do not understand what he needs.  Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need.  What hubby needs.  What my family needs.

Love

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Today is Valentine's Day.  I know for many WoPA's (Wife of Porn Addicts) this day is not the best day of the year.  Too many of us are painfully reminded of the hurt and betrayal of our spouse's addiction.  It can be hard to want to feel love for someone that has hurt us so deeply.

 

When I first found out about hubby's addiction I was so hurt and so angry that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore.   I struggled knowing that I had spent 15 years loving him only to learn that he didn't love me enough to NOT do what he was doing.  I didn't understand addiction and what it had done to his mind.  I didn't understand that he did love me, but his ability to love others and to feel love was crippled.

 

After much prayer and asking to see hubby as the Lord sees him, I can honestly say that the Lord has blessed me with a greater love and compassion for my husband.  A love that continues to grow and deepen.

 

I love hubby's willingness to share his testimony with those around him, especially with myself and our children.  He loves the Savior and all that He has done for him.

 

I love when he wrestles with our older boys and when he patiently reads the same two or three books over and over to our 2 year old.  He is a great dad.

 

I love the example of hard work he is to our children.  I love that he desires to teach them how to work and the importance of it.

 

I love him for all he does to support his family, to provide us with a good life.

 

I love him for all he does to help me out around the house--sweeping, washing dishes, picking up after the kids, bathing kids, getting up early to make lunches and get the kids off to school, and so much more.

 

I love him for loving me when I am at my worst.

 

I love him for his sincere compliments of me.

I love his quirky sense of humor and that after 16 years together he can still make me laugh.

 

I love that he takes our boys fishing and enjoys spending time with them. 

 

I love to see him hold his baby girl and see the love he feels for her.  He is so gentle and loving to her.

 

I love that he supports me in my own recovery and is excited when I  share things with him.

 

I love that he shares insights and things he has learned from his personal study with me.  He teaches me and has helped me understand many things of the gospel.

I love him for never blaming his addiction on me.  He always made me feel attractive and loved.  He was never mean or angry. 

 

I love that he enjoys so many different foods and is always encouraging me to try new and different meals for our family.

 

I admire him for his courage in attending his group meetings.  He is such an example of humility.

 

I love him for the man that he is becoming.  For the changes that the Lord is bringing about in him.

 

I love when he hugs me tightly upon coming home from work and then again throughout the evening.

 

I love him for his patience with me as I try to work my way through the trauma that I have experienced.  Even when it means the anger is aimed at him.  He is understanding, gentle, and loving.

 

I love that he is able to help our boys with homework problems that I can't help them with.  I love that he is willing to do so.

 

I love that he enjoys gardening and the joy that growing a successful garden brings him.

 

I love his tender heart and admire his ability to cry when the spirit touches him. 

 

I love the happiness I see in his eyes.  I love hearing him laugh and seeing him smile.

 

I love hearing him pray and feeling of his love for our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

 

I love that he is my best friend.  I love that we can cry together.  We can laugh together and enjoy each other's company.

 

I love that he loves me despite my many weaknesses.   I love that he sees me for who I can be.

 

I love that he strives to live every day to bring the spirit into his life, into our marriage, and into our home.  He is a great example to me of turning his will over to the Lord.

 

My heart is full of gratitude for my husband.  He is a good man.  A great father.  A good husband.  He is working hard to become an even better man, dad, and husband.  I love him so much for that.  He is a great example to me and our children.  I am grateful to the Lord for blessing me with the ability to see all the good in my husband.  To see him as the Lord sees him and see a glimpse of his potential.

Lifting Burdens

 

A few weeks ago I had a day when I was struggling a great deal.  I felt very down on myself.  I felt forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  In turn, I isolated myself from Him.

I had an experience that day that made me know that He hadn't forgotten me.  He IS aware of me and He loves me. That He will carry me through this difficult time.

I stepped out of the shower that morning and heard my 2-year old crying.  He is always climbing up on something so I was afraid that he might have fallen or might possibly be stuck up on a shelf unable to get down.  I quickly threw a towel around me and ran to the sound of his cry.

I found him at the bottom of the stairs with an arm full of toy cars.  He was trying desperately to carry all of the cars but he kept dropping them.  As he would pick one up two more would drop.  He was frustrated that he couldn't carry all of them. 

In effort to help him, I bent down to take the cars from him and carry them up the stairs for him which caused him to cry all the more.  I tried to let him know that I was only trying to help him, but he was UPSET.  He wanted to carry all of them on his own despite being able to.

As this situation played out I received a strong impression from the Lord.  I have been trying to carry everything on my own, unable to because there is just too much.  I don't have to try to do it on my own.  He is there for me, waiting for me to hand my burdens, my "arm full of cars", to Him.

It is not like this lesson was new to me in anyway, but I needed a gentle reminder.   

Like my son, I have "screamed" at the Lord when He has tried to help me with my load.  When I thought I need to do this on my own.  Other times I have handed him a few of my "cars" only to take them back.

A scripture came to mind as I pondered on this lesson I had been taught.  "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer righteous to be moved." (Psalms 55:22-emphasis mine)

I need to be willing to hand my burdens over to Him.  By doing so He will bless me with His grace to patiently endure the trials that I face. 

I can't expect Him to take ease my burdens without doing something for Him.  In Matthew 11:28-30 we read,

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke [name of Christ] upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (emphasis added)
 

He has asked us to come to Him.  To learn of Him.  When we do so He will ease our burdens.  He will give us rest.

What an amazing blessing this is.

Because of His willingness to suffer for each of our sins, temptations, sorrows, pains, discomforts, etc, the Savior has a perfect knowledge of what we are feeling.  The burdens that we are carrying because He carried them FOR us.  He has compassion on us in our times of difficulty. 

Elder Flávio A. Cooper said,

"The Savior can respond to our requests for help in several ways, including (a) relieving or lightening our burdens, (b) increasing our strength to carry our burdens, (c) allowing increased burdens to give us needed experience, and (d) not providing immediate help in order to test and strengthen our faith and to teach us."
 

I have personally felt my burdens be made light and even relieved when I have turned to Him in moments of struggle.  I have received strength to carry the burdens that I have been asked to carry. 

In Mosiah we read the story of Limhi and his people.  The lamanites "put heavy burdens on the backs" of the people of Limhi.  They humbled themselves before the Lord and prayed that he might deliver them from their afflictions.  While the Lord didn't deliver them from bondage he did soften the hearts of the Lamanites that their burdens were lightened.

Then later in Mosiah it tells of Alma and his brethern whose burdens were made light.  “The burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15)

I find great peace in this quote by Elder Marion D. Hanks. "Thus the promise is that in times of sorrow and affliction, if we endure and reamin faithful and put our trust in Him and are courageous, the Lord will visit us in our afflictions, strengthen us to carry our burdens and support us in our trials.  He'll be with us to the end of our days, lift us at the last day to greater opportunities for service, and exalt us at last with Him and reunited loved one, and He will consecrate our afflictions to our gain."

Consecrate means--Make or declare sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.

While it may not seem so while we are in the thick of it, the difficulties of life are a blessing.  They "initiate a desire within us to come to the Lord." (quote from The Peacegiver)  Our trials and afflictions are there to help us to humble oursleves and turn to Him.  To become more like Him.  This is the divine purpose of our trials.

'And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree, spirnging up in you unto everlasting life.  And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son.  And even all this can ye do if ye will.  Amen" (Alma 33:23)

Going back to the story of my son, there was no possible way for him to carry all of the cars that he was wanting to without dropping them or without help from me.  Just like him, there is no way that I can even begin to carry all that I have been given on my own.  I am not expected to.  I am asked to have faith, learn of Him, and turn to my Savior. 

He can and will help me to carry my burdens.  But I need to allow Him to.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

He will strengthen me.