It is right

 

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I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

Weapons of War

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Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)

 

Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip.  To say I am nervous is an understatement. 

 

I am TERRIFIED!

 

I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more.  I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction.  Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him. 

 

I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.

 

I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate.  We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling.  Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing. 

 

The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away.  In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone.  That there was always something more important for him to be doing.  I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted.  Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.

 

During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me.  I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode.  It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused. 

 

Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away.  I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore.  I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again. 

 

I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore.  I know he knows he has hurt me.  I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart.  I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away. 

 

And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc.  To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah."  "And what about the time you said blankity blank."   Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.

 

I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said.  She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go off".  The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband.  I recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!" 

 

Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war.  "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19).  They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright".  That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18). 

 

"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war".  I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me.  But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it.  Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him?  Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?

 

As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.  

 

Literally bury it. 

 

Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.  

 

And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried.  The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons. 

 

With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.

I
 have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.

Now to go find the place of burial.  I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole. 

 

The addict in me

Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December.  We hold hands and support each other as we share.  I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict."  I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others. 

I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction.  True.  I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict.  And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.

However, I will now be attending for another reason.  A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend.  I am Hopeful and I am an addict. 

I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict. 

I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him.  I felt that it was the least that he could do.  I deserve it.  He said that he would try.  That wasn't good enough for me.  I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.

I realize I was trying to control him.  Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better.  I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are.  I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet.  He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.

I progressed to a bad place.  A place of blaming and shaming.  Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not.  I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim.  I told him that I didn't want to live anymore.  I asked him to just put me out of my misery.  He would be better of without me.

And on and on. 

It was ugly.  I was awful.  I was cruel.

I could NOT stop myself.

I knew that I was being awful.  I knew that the spirit was unable to be there.  I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me.  I knew it was wrong. 

But I COULDN'T stop.

After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation.  I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly.  I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him.  I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.

The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind.  I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors.  No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.

Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."  I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation. 

It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God."  I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong.  They were the reason I was suffering.  They were the ones at fault.  Not me.

It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable".  While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday.  This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally."  My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.

I have been feeling the pains of my behavior.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy.  Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc.  Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord.  She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear.  Fear that I can't be changed.  Fear that I can't become better.  Tears streamed down my face as she told me this.  She described exactly how I am feeling.  I am afraid that I can't become better.  That I am unable of change. 

My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self  hate if I will turn them over to Him.  Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person.  He doesn't want me to feel those feelings.  Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him. 

I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are."  I have a long way to go, a very long way.  But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency. 

Needs

As a mom I am constantly worrying about and taking care of the needs of my family.  There is the seemlingly never ending list of needs--Diapers that need changing, meals that need prepared, laundry needing washed and folded, stories to be read, homework that needs to be checked and explained, baby that needs fed, cuddle time, kisses for the little bumps and bruises, attention as they tell me about their day, hugs just to know they are loved, a house that needs straightened up, and the list goes on and on and on.

I love being a mom and a wife.  I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family.  A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family.  I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family. 

I have become very adept at knowing what my children need.  There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs.  Although not by my own efforts for sure. 

In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well.  I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs.  We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.

When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough.  I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs.   I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs. 

I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton.  That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good.  I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more. 

And then he relapsed. 

How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed?  I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again.  What happened? 

In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs.  How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed.  And that I could provide what HE needed. 

In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need. 

There is only ONE who knows what we each need.  He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need.  He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING.  He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US.  So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know.  He see what we do not see.  Trust in Him.  He knows what is best for His child . . ."

I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me.  He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth.  He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart.  I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.

I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby.  That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do. 

Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need.    While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally.   As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small.  It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)

I do not know what is best for me.  I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually.  I can't know what is best for hubby.  I do not understand what he needs.  Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need.  What hubby needs.  What my family needs.

Control = Chaos

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There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb.  They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them.  I have to admit that it has grown on me.  I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots. 

 

The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day.  Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more.  Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics.  Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb.  Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".

 

The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son.  I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane". 

The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy.  She is driving herself crazy."  Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.

As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace.  I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction.  I have checked his email.  Looked at his text messages.  Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.

I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life.  A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me.  Co-dependent?  I think so.

What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction? 

I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back!  That he would quit doing things that hurt ME.  That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself. 

All of my efforts to control him were futile.  I couldn't make him stop.  I couldn't make him even WANT to stop.  He had to do this for himself.  He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop.  No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.

Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy.  I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem.  My life had become unmanageable.

In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions.  Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction.  If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?! 

As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind.  Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement!  He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.  It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night.  He is exhausting to say the least.  The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel.  I am powerless over him, a 2-year old.  I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.

The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices.  He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him.  Control is NOT how the Lord opperates. 

Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control.  His plan was to not give us our agency.  To essentially control our salvation.  When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary.  Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.

In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others).  I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan.  I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice.  I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.

Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days.  She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control. 

I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have.  I want to have peace, not chaos!  I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband. 

In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,

"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)

I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me.  I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.

Control is not the Lord's way.  I may be powerless, but I am not helpless.  If I will turn to him in humility He will help me.  He will guide me.  He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life."  And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me.  I find great peace in these truths. 

I will be like Candace no more.


Big step

Yesterday I made a scary step in my recovery.  I made a call to a sponsor, a woman I have never met.  I have had her phone number for a few weeks and have been unable to muster up the nerve to call. 

What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?

I was really struggling Thursday.  I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  I was feeling very down on myself.  I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously.  I was awful.  I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain.  It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.

After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction.  I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues.  I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave.  Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever.  It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.

This was a HUGE wake up call for me.  I don't want to go on like this.  I can't go on like this.  Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING.  I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary. 

I need help.  Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart.  I need to address my own addicitions.  My own character flaws.  I need the peace that only my Savior can give me. 

I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor.  Of working a "Thirty in Thirty".  I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation. 

I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.

I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery! 

I will not FEAR

Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state.  I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery.  In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him.   It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction. 

It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction.  My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography?  What IF  he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them?  What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has)  What IF, What IF . . . ?? 

I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control.  Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone.  I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence.  I was out of control.  My FEAR was in control!

Not this time.  Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached.  It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.

 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7
 

I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord.  That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days.  I know that He can bless me with a sound mind.  With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind.  My life. 

It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,

"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to.  We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."
 

I choose to go to that "safe place".  A place where I don't have to FEAR.  A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power.  His comfort.  His love.  I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord.  I know that I can trust Him. 

Happiness

Credit:  Facebook

"Until we can learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will not be able to find peace in our own lives." ('Healing Through Christ' manual)

The more I work on my own recovery and let go of the things that I can't change about hubby or his addiction, I have begun to find HAPPINESS and PEACE.  And it is beautiful!  I am grateful for the 12-Step Program and the opportunity that I have to really look at myself and work on changing those things that I CAN change, and "let go of the things that I can't change".  I know that the Lord is there to help me change those things in myself (& hubby) that I can't change on my own.  Turning mymyself, as well as my husband, over to the Lord has been SO incredibly freeing and wonderful! 

Roaring lion

In my previous post I mentioned that I allowed myself to "look back" last weekend.  Last Saturday I felt "off", I couldn't really explain why other than I just felt "off".  That should have been a red flag for me, as I have found that days like that are some of my hardest days.  Hubby and I ran to some stores and I was triggered A. LOT.  Sometimes I am able, with the Lord's help, to deal with the triggers.  That day I was not, in which I attribute a goodportion of that to my unwillingness to turn it over to the Lord.  The triggers left me feeling unattractive, worthless.  The feelings festered until I shared with hubby how I was feeling. 

That wasn't the end though, I wish it had been.  The next day, Sunday, the negative feelings persisted.  I failed to say my prayers because . . . I don't know why actually, other than I felt angry at the Lord.  Angry that he had let me marry a man that He knew was a porn addict.  Surely the Lord knew what pain and anguish would come to ME because of my husband's addiction.  Why would He give me confirmation that marrying my husband was good?  Why?   I went through the day bitter, angry, hurt, and isolated.  I knew that I was in Satan's grasp, but couldn't pull myself out and to be quite honest I felt justified in feeling the way I felt.  That night I layed in front of the fire and wrote a list of the many things I hate about myself--mostly physcial things that I feel make me unattractive and not of any worth.  If I am being honest, I was so down on myself, that I had thoughts of harming myself although those were short lived.  I felt that my Father in Heaven hadn't cared enough to save me from this pain, my husband obviously didn't care about me or want me otherwise he wouldn't have done what he has done, and on and on.  Yes, I was having a pity ME party, but I was the only one invited.

Monday morning started out the same--bitter, angry, and worthless feelings were eating me up.  I was definitely exhibiting some serious co-dependent behaviors (blaming, manipulating, etc).  I fianlly offered up a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to soften my heart.  I started to feel guilty for my ridiculous, childish behavior and went in while hubby was sleeping (he was home sick) and whispered "I love you."  I took the opportunity to apologize, only to turn around and start blaming again.  It was stupid!  Why couldn't I just let it go?  Why did I need to keep punishing him?  It was almost as if I was getting pleasure out of seeing him hurt, seeing him suffer for the pain that HE has caused me.  Why was I doing this and making him feel so terribly when I have already forgiven him?

Thankfully, through no power of my own, I was able to admit that I was horribly wrong.  I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I had allowed myself to give into satan, especially after having felt so much peace, comfort, forgiveness, and healing.  I invited the adversary to pull me into a dark place, a place that I don't want to venture to again.  I like what it says in 1 Peter 5:8

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (empahsis added)
 

He really is waiting for a weak moment when he can come in and "devour" me.  I need to be vigilant and turn to the Lord always otherwise he will destroy me. 

"Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you."  1 Peter 5:7 (empahsis added)
 

What peace this verse brings me.  I can cast my fears, my thoughts, my pain, everything upon Him becasue He cares for ME!  What a blessing this understanding is to me.  I know that I am NOT alone and that even if no one else does, He will always care for ME!