Mr. Hopeful and I have been attending LDS General ARP meetings together since the first week of December. We hold hands and support each other as we share. I listen to him say "I'm 'Mr. Hopeful' and I'm an addict." I feel so much love and compassion for him as he says this each week because I know the courage that it has taken him to acknowledge this and vocalize it to others.
I introduce myself and I am sure everyone knows why I am there....to support my addict husband and to heal from the pain that I have felt as a result of the addiction. True. I am there to support my husband who just happens to be an addict. And yes, I am there to finding healing for myself.
However, I will now be attending for another reason. A reason that was painfully brought to my attention this past weekend. I am Hopeful and I am an addict.
I feel that in order for me to move forward and begin to find healing as an addict I need to be open and honest about what transpired that lead to my realization that I, too, am an addict.
I told Mr. Hopeful that I need complete honesty and transparency from him. I felt that it was the least that he could do. I deserve it. He said that he would try. That wasn't good enough for me. I needed a commitment that he would DO, not just try.
I realize I was trying to control him. Trying to control his recovery to make me feel better. I wasn't willing to accept him and his efforts for what they are. I wanted him to be at a place in HIS recovery that he isn't at yet. He wants to be, but fear and loss of trust in me makes it very hard for him.
I progressed to a bad place. A place of blaming and shaming. Accusing him of things that I perceived to be true, but in fact were not. I slipped into a dark pit of despair and resorted to being the victim. I told him that I didn't want to live anymore. I asked him to just put me out of my misery. He would be better of without me.
And on and on.
It was ugly. I was awful. I was cruel.
I could NOT stop myself.
I knew that I was being awful. I knew that the spirit was unable to be there. I knew that I was allowing satan to guide me. I knew it was wrong.
But I COULDN'T stop.
After several hours I finally calmed down enough that we could actually have somewhat of a conversation. I was finally to a point where I was able to see things a little more clearly. I need to add that Mr. Hopeful stayed surprisingly calm despite my attacking, blaming, and shaming him. I am grateful to him for responding rather than reacting.
The next morning as I was saying my prayer and pleading for forgiveness from my Father in Heaven I had a very strong impression come to my mind. I am POWERLESS over these emotions and behaviors. No matter how much control I think I am have, the truth is I have NO control.
Elder Russell M. Nelson says, "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose . . . , one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I felt as though I had truly lost my ability to choose how to act in this situation.
It says in the ARP manual, "As our powerlessness over addiction increased, many of us found fault with family...and even God." I was pointing out everything wrong with Mr. Hopeful and even blaming God for the things wrong. They were the reason I was suffering. They were the ones at fault. Not me.
It goes on to say "We finally admittted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable". While my life isn't always unmanageable it most definitely was Friday. This addiction "ate at my ability to function normally." My "actions clearly undermined what I value" but I couldn't stop.
I have been feeling the pains of my behavior. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I shared these feelings with my sponsor and she helped me to see that they aren't healthy. Satan wants me to feel shame, self-contempt, etc. Because those feelings tend to keep us from turning to the Lord. She said that many times those feelings are actually a result of fear. Fear that I can't be changed. Fear that I can't become better. Tears streamed down my face as she told me this. She described exactly how I am feeling. I am afraid that I can't become better. That I am unable of change.
My sponsor continued to say that the Lord will take the feelings of anger and self hate if I will turn them over to Him. Just as He does when I have feelings of anger toward another person. He doesn't want me to feel those feelings. Yes, I need to feel remorse, godly-sorrow for my behavior, but shame does NOT come from Him.
I find comfort in this line from The Healing Through Christ manual, "Mistakes are what we do, not who we are." I have a long way to go, a very long way. But I do feel a glimmer of hope that as I turn to the Lord I can find freedom from the feelings of shame and self-contempt as well this addiction of co-dependency.
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Monday, March 11, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Needs
As a mom I am constantly worrying about and taking care of the needs of my family. There is the seemlingly never ending list of needs--Diapers that need changing, meals that need prepared, laundry needing washed and folded, stories to be read, homework that needs to be checked and explained, baby that needs fed, cuddle time, kisses for the little bumps and bruises, attention as they tell me about their day, hugs just to know they are loved, a house that needs straightened up, and the list goes on and on and on.
I love being a mom and a wife. I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family. A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family. I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family.
I have become very adept at knowing what my children need. There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs. Although not by my own efforts for sure.
In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well. I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs. We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.
When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough. I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs. I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs.
I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton. That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good. I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more.
And then he relapsed.
How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed? I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again. What happened?
In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs. How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed. And that I could provide what HE needed.
In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need.
There is only ONE who knows what we each need. He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need. He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING. He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US. So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know. He see what we do not see. Trust in Him. He knows what is best for His child . . ."
I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me. He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth. He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart. I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.
I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby. That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do.
Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need. While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally. As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small. It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.
I do not know what is best for me. I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually. I can't know what is best for hubby. I do not understand what he needs. Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need. What hubby needs. What my family needs.
I love being a mom and a wife. I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family. A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family. I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family.
I have become very adept at knowing what my children need. There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs. Although not by my own efforts for sure.
In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well. I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs. We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.
When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough. I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs. I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs.
I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton. That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good. I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more.
And then he relapsed.
How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed? I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again. What happened?
In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs. How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed. And that I could provide what HE needed.
In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need.
There is only ONE who knows what we each need. He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need. He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING. He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US. So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know. He see what we do not see. Trust in Him. He knows what is best for His child . . ."
I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me. He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth. He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart. I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.
I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby. That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do.
Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need. While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally. As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small. It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)
I do not know what is best for me. I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually. I can't know what is best for hubby. I do not understand what he needs. Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need. What hubby needs. What my family needs.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Control = Chaos
There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb. They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them. I have to admit that it has grown on me. I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots.
The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day. Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more. Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics. Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb. Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".
The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son. I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane".
The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy. She is driving herself crazy." Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.
As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace. I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction. I have checked his email. Looked at his text messages. Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.
I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life. A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me. Co-dependent? I think so.
What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction?
I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back! That he would quit doing things that hurt ME. That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself.
All of my efforts to control him were futile. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him even WANT to stop. He had to do this for himself. He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop. No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.
Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy. I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem. My life had become unmanageable.
In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions. Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction. If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?!
As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind. Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement! He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night. He is exhausting to say the least. The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel. I am powerless over him, a 2-year old. I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.
The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices. He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him. Control is NOT how the Lord opperates.
Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control. His plan was to not give us our agency. To essentially control our salvation. When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary. Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.
In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others). I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan. I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice. I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.
Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days. She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control.
I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have. I want to have peace, not chaos! I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband.
In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,
Control is not the Lord's way. I may be powerless, but I am not helpless. If I will turn to him in humility He will help me. He will guide me. He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life." And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me. I find great peace in these truths.
I will be like Candace no more.
The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy. She is driving herself crazy." Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.
As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace. I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction. I have checked his email. Looked at his text messages. Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.
I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life. A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me. Co-dependent? I think so.
What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction?
I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back! That he would quit doing things that hurt ME. That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself.
All of my efforts to control him were futile. I couldn't make him stop. I couldn't make him even WANT to stop. He had to do this for himself. He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop. No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.
Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy. I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem. My life had become unmanageable.
In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions. Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction. If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?!
As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind. Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement! He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night. He is exhausting to say the least. The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel. I am powerless over him, a 2-year old. I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.
The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices. He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him. Control is NOT how the Lord opperates.
Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control. His plan was to not give us our agency. To essentially control our salvation. When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary. Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.
In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others). I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan. I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice. I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.
Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days. She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control.
I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have. I want to have peace, not chaos! I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband.
In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,
"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me. I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.
Control is not the Lord's way. I may be powerless, but I am not helpless. If I will turn to him in humility He will help me. He will guide me. He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life." And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me. I find great peace in these truths.
I will be like Candace no more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)