Journey of Patience

It is said that recovery is a journey, a process, and NOT an end destination.  That every day we need to be diligent in our efforts otherwise we leave ourselves open to the real possibility that we will return to our old, unhealthy behaviors.  I have also heard that recovery is hard work.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives.  At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.

There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit.  I want to go back to "normal".  Whatever that is.  

A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."  

I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days.  I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful.  There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me."  "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you."  "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?"   "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?"  "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"

I have never been a real patient person.  Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7.  The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small.  When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future.  Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly.  For me, it meant NOW.  Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work.  Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down.  But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9. 

If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt.  If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage.  Possibly bringing it to an end.  I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process.  I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey. 

There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries.  Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord.  Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself.  Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful.  Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality. 

This really is a journey.  Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty.  Recovery is truly the journey of life.  I believe it is why we are here on this earth.  Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior.  Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives. 

We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome.  No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own.  It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it.  It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.  

I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into.  He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel".  I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel."  I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program. 

I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change.  I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own.  I can't.  I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself..  Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him.  I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me.  To ease the burdens of my pains.

I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb).  I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise.  I will be blessed beyond measure. 

The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Working toward it

 

There were a few talks that really stood out to me from General Conference this past weekend--loved Elder Holland's talk.  Among my favorites was the talk on terrific marriages by Elder L. Whitney Clayton. 

 

"No other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement."  Because of the sacred nature marriage, it can also bring the most pain and heartache, as we WoPA's have experienced.  I know for many of the wives this talk was very triggering, which is understandable considering the destruction lust addiction has had on our marriages.  It was a painful reminder of the marriages we don't have and possibly will never have if we and our husband's don't choose recovery.  For myself, however, I found great peace and hope in this talk.

 

While Mr. Hopeful and I are far from having a terrific marriage, this talk is a great "road map", like Sparrow commented on another blog, for us to follow in order to achieve a terrific marriage.  A true CELESTIAL marriage. 

 

Elder Clayton's words brought hope to my heart as I was able to look at our marriage and say "Hey, we are doing that and we are working on that."

 

Mr. Hopeful and I are "working side by side doing the most important work there is, the work we do in our own homes."   We are united in teaching our children and doing the things that invite the spirit into our home--FHE, prayer, scripture study, etc.  We share in the privilege of putting our little ones to bed and saying individual prayers with them.  We find great joy in spending time with our older kids and talking to them about their days. 

 

Every night we "retire to bed together" and study our own recovery steps, read a talk together, journal, or study the scriptures.  This usually ends up in discussions on where we are at in our individual recovery's as well as the recovery of our marriage and family.  We now call our bed one of our "holy places" as so many tender spiritual experiences have taken place as we are laying in our bed.  We joke that we are never going to get rid of our bed.

 

Elder Clayton says, "Transparency is a key element.  There should be no secrets about relevant matters in marriages . . ."  Mr. Hopeful and I are working toward this.  There has been HUGE changes in transparency for both him and I.  It is a process and as we are patient and forgiving of each other I know it will continue to improve. 

 

"Happy marriages rely on repentance."  I am striving daily to take a honest look at myself and see if there is anything in behavior toward my husband that I need to repent of.  If there is, then I quickly apologize and repent of it.

 

"Strengthening faith, strengthens marriage"  As we both work our own recovery's we are strengthening our faith which is in turn strengthening our marriage.  I was reminded of the God/Marriage Triangle when I heard this part of Elder Clayton's talk.

As a husband and wife draw closer to God, they also come closer to each other. As they come closer to God, they develop more attributes that are essential for a relationship to last for years upon years. These characteristics include respect, forgiveness, repentance, love, and compassion. As couples are working at drawing closer to God, they are able to maintain an intimate connection for a significant longer period of time.

 

 

Other than our individual relationship's with the Lord, our marriage is our "first priority".  We are making time to really connect with each other, to laugh together, to cry together, to parent together, to study together.  We are doing this TOGETHER.  I am grateful that HE wants to do it with ME.  And that I want to do it with HIM.  If I am honest, there was a time when I wondered if I did. 

 

Most importantly, we are doing it TOGETHER with the Lord.  It can't work any other way. 

 

There were some quotes from Elder Clayton's talk that stood out as something that I need to work on to strengthen our marriage.  Too often I find myself lashing out at Mr. Hopeful when I allow the negative emotions and thoughts dominate.  Fears and doubts cloud my mind leading me to pain shop and wield my weapons of war.  Instead, I need to "answer softly and listen kindly." 

 

I am grateful for this inspired talk and the hope that it gives me that Mr. Hopeful and I can have a "Terrific Marriage" despite the difficulties that we are facing and will undoubtedly face in the future.       

Lifting Burdens

 

A few weeks ago I had a day when I was struggling a great deal.  I felt very down on myself.  I felt forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  In turn, I isolated myself from Him.

I had an experience that day that made me know that He hadn't forgotten me.  He IS aware of me and He loves me. That He will carry me through this difficult time.

I stepped out of the shower that morning and heard my 2-year old crying.  He is always climbing up on something so I was afraid that he might have fallen or might possibly be stuck up on a shelf unable to get down.  I quickly threw a towel around me and ran to the sound of his cry.

I found him at the bottom of the stairs with an arm full of toy cars.  He was trying desperately to carry all of the cars but he kept dropping them.  As he would pick one up two more would drop.  He was frustrated that he couldn't carry all of them. 

In effort to help him, I bent down to take the cars from him and carry them up the stairs for him which caused him to cry all the more.  I tried to let him know that I was only trying to help him, but he was UPSET.  He wanted to carry all of them on his own despite being able to.

As this situation played out I received a strong impression from the Lord.  I have been trying to carry everything on my own, unable to because there is just too much.  I don't have to try to do it on my own.  He is there for me, waiting for me to hand my burdens, my "arm full of cars", to Him.

It is not like this lesson was new to me in anyway, but I needed a gentle reminder.   

Like my son, I have "screamed" at the Lord when He has tried to help me with my load.  When I thought I need to do this on my own.  Other times I have handed him a few of my "cars" only to take them back.

A scripture came to mind as I pondered on this lesson I had been taught.  "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer righteous to be moved." (Psalms 55:22-emphasis mine)

I need to be willing to hand my burdens over to Him.  By doing so He will bless me with His grace to patiently endure the trials that I face. 

I can't expect Him to take ease my burdens without doing something for Him.  In Matthew 11:28-30 we read,

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke [name of Christ] upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (emphasis added)
 

He has asked us to come to Him.  To learn of Him.  When we do so He will ease our burdens.  He will give us rest.

What an amazing blessing this is.

Because of His willingness to suffer for each of our sins, temptations, sorrows, pains, discomforts, etc, the Savior has a perfect knowledge of what we are feeling.  The burdens that we are carrying because He carried them FOR us.  He has compassion on us in our times of difficulty. 

Elder Flávio A. Cooper said,

"The Savior can respond to our requests for help in several ways, including (a) relieving or lightening our burdens, (b) increasing our strength to carry our burdens, (c) allowing increased burdens to give us needed experience, and (d) not providing immediate help in order to test and strengthen our faith and to teach us."
 

I have personally felt my burdens be made light and even relieved when I have turned to Him in moments of struggle.  I have received strength to carry the burdens that I have been asked to carry. 

In Mosiah we read the story of Limhi and his people.  The lamanites "put heavy burdens on the backs" of the people of Limhi.  They humbled themselves before the Lord and prayed that he might deliver them from their afflictions.  While the Lord didn't deliver them from bondage he did soften the hearts of the Lamanites that their burdens were lightened.

Then later in Mosiah it tells of Alma and his brethern whose burdens were made light.  “The burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15)

I find great peace in this quote by Elder Marion D. Hanks. "Thus the promise is that in times of sorrow and affliction, if we endure and reamin faithful and put our trust in Him and are courageous, the Lord will visit us in our afflictions, strengthen us to carry our burdens and support us in our trials.  He'll be with us to the end of our days, lift us at the last day to greater opportunities for service, and exalt us at last with Him and reunited loved one, and He will consecrate our afflictions to our gain."

Consecrate means--Make or declare sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.

While it may not seem so while we are in the thick of it, the difficulties of life are a blessing.  They "initiate a desire within us to come to the Lord." (quote from The Peacegiver)  Our trials and afflictions are there to help us to humble oursleves and turn to Him.  To become more like Him.  This is the divine purpose of our trials.

'And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree, spirnging up in you unto everlasting life.  And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son.  And even all this can ye do if ye will.  Amen" (Alma 33:23)

Going back to the story of my son, there was no possible way for him to carry all of the cars that he was wanting to without dropping them or without help from me.  Just like him, there is no way that I can even begin to carry all that I have been given on my own.  I am not expected to.  I am asked to have faith, learn of Him, and turn to my Savior. 

He can and will help me to carry my burdens.  But I need to allow Him to.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

He will strengthen me.

 

Lies & Truths

"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]"  (2 Nephi 28:22)

 

As part of my "Thirty in Thirty" my sponsor asked me to make a list of the lies that Satan whispers to me.  Sometimes his lies seem more of a deafening yell than a whisper in my ear. 

Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's yells whispers. Some of these lies were reawakened in me from my teen years, some are new and specific to this addiction, and others were lies that I have heard and believed for years--some as long as I can remember. While I was bombarded daily with lies before finding about the addiction, it seemed that satan pulled out all the stops when he saw me struggling emotionally and spiritually after learning of the addiction. And it was so easy to believe those lies.

Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis.  Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again.  It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.

I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.   

A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place.  I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me.  I was feeling so down, so worthless.  Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies. 

Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."

"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."

Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.

If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He will lead us into captivity.  He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.

We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."

After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me.  He was compassionate and loving.  He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told.  That I am a daughter of God.  He said the pain I was feeling could be a  'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.

Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing.  I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie.  Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.

In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer.  "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost."  (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)

One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me.  With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted.  I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me.  That I am a daughter of God.  That He knows me personally.  That I am loved.  That I am not worthless.  I am of infinite worth to Him.  That my Savior loves me.  That I am NOT alone.  That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.

"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.  The Spirit of truth is of God.  I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)

I am grateful for this assignment.  For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES!  I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth.  I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.

"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever.  Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)