Survived & Thrived

Right about now Mr. Hopeful is boarding the first of several airplanes on his way home from his business trip.  The count down is on . . . only 9 hours or so until he walks through the door.

I can't tell you how excited I am to see him.  To throw my arms around him and squeeze the life out of him. 

I was quite nervous for him to leave this week.  When Mr. Hopeful has traveled for work in the past it was a time of indulging in his addiction.  I always felt a disconnect, especially on the phone, but never quite understood why until the addiction came to light. 

So of course it goes without saying, business trips are a HUGE trigger for me.  I was worried about what could possibly happen this week.  I am reminded of this quote from the Healing Through Christ manual yesterday, " . . . worrying about them does not keep them from happening.  Worrying can make us 'terminally miserable', [merely] enduring life, getting through, waiting for our reward in heaven, not knowing that there is a reward each day in being alive and living our own lives." 

In the past, worrying all week about what Mr. Hopeful may or may not do has kept me from living MY life.  Worrying if he was lusting after women at the restaurant or driving along the freeway kept me from enjoying my children and the joy they bring to my life. 

This week was good.  I didn't worry.  I didn't fear.

 I survived.  I thrived!

Sure there were times when a thought of doubt would enter in, but those worries and fears were quickly dispelled.  If a thought troubled me more I said a prayer and asked that it be taken away. 

I felt much comfort and peace this week. 

Some of the things that we did, and will do for future trips (he has two more week long trips in the next month =( ), 1--had family prayer over the phone, 2--the kids prayed for us here at home and dad in their personal prayers, 3--Mr. Hopeful called to say a quick "Hi, I love you.  Hope your day is going well." everyday, 4--He and I attended meetings (by phone or in person), 5--Mr. Hopeful and I ended our nights by reading a talk or sharing something we learned from our meeting or the scriptures, 6--had couple prayer over the phone, 7--went to bed early. 

I had also asked Mr. Hopeful for a blessing previous to him leaving.  I will be asking for a blessing before each trip as I received much strength and comfort from this one.

Sparrow had mentioned that her husband had prayed "for his hotel room to be a place for the Spirit to reside."  Mr. Hopeful commented on how much he felt the spirit in his room as he did this.  Thanks Sparrow! ;)

Travel is a part of Mr. Hopeful's job and I am so grateful that he has a job, a good job, that provides SO much for our large family.  I know that as we turn to the Lord, He gives us, Mr. Hopeful, myself, and our family, the strength and peace to survive these difficult trips.  Not just survive, but to be happy.  To have hope.  To have strength to deal with the temptations and the fears.

To THRIVE.

Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

Happiness

Credit:  Facebook

"Until we can learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will not be able to find peace in our own lives." ('Healing Through Christ' manual)

The more I work on my own recovery and let go of the things that I can't change about hubby or his addiction, I have begun to find HAPPINESS and PEACE.  And it is beautiful!  I am grateful for the 12-Step Program and the opportunity that I have to really look at myself and work on changing those things that I CAN change, and "let go of the things that I can't change".  I know that the Lord is there to help me change those things in myself (& hubby) that I can't change on my own.  Turning mymyself, as well as my husband, over to the Lord has been SO incredibly freeing and wonderful! 

Roaring lion

In my previous post I mentioned that I allowed myself to "look back" last weekend.  Last Saturday I felt "off", I couldn't really explain why other than I just felt "off".  That should have been a red flag for me, as I have found that days like that are some of my hardest days.  Hubby and I ran to some stores and I was triggered A. LOT.  Sometimes I am able, with the Lord's help, to deal with the triggers.  That day I was not, in which I attribute a goodportion of that to my unwillingness to turn it over to the Lord.  The triggers left me feeling unattractive, worthless.  The feelings festered until I shared with hubby how I was feeling. 

That wasn't the end though, I wish it had been.  The next day, Sunday, the negative feelings persisted.  I failed to say my prayers because . . . I don't know why actually, other than I felt angry at the Lord.  Angry that he had let me marry a man that He knew was a porn addict.  Surely the Lord knew what pain and anguish would come to ME because of my husband's addiction.  Why would He give me confirmation that marrying my husband was good?  Why?   I went through the day bitter, angry, hurt, and isolated.  I knew that I was in Satan's grasp, but couldn't pull myself out and to be quite honest I felt justified in feeling the way I felt.  That night I layed in front of the fire and wrote a list of the many things I hate about myself--mostly physcial things that I feel make me unattractive and not of any worth.  If I am being honest, I was so down on myself, that I had thoughts of harming myself although those were short lived.  I felt that my Father in Heaven hadn't cared enough to save me from this pain, my husband obviously didn't care about me or want me otherwise he wouldn't have done what he has done, and on and on.  Yes, I was having a pity ME party, but I was the only one invited.

Monday morning started out the same--bitter, angry, and worthless feelings were eating me up.  I was definitely exhibiting some serious co-dependent behaviors (blaming, manipulating, etc).  I fianlly offered up a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to soften my heart.  I started to feel guilty for my ridiculous, childish behavior and went in while hubby was sleeping (he was home sick) and whispered "I love you."  I took the opportunity to apologize, only to turn around and start blaming again.  It was stupid!  Why couldn't I just let it go?  Why did I need to keep punishing him?  It was almost as if I was getting pleasure out of seeing him hurt, seeing him suffer for the pain that HE has caused me.  Why was I doing this and making him feel so terribly when I have already forgiven him?

Thankfully, through no power of my own, I was able to admit that I was horribly wrong.  I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I had allowed myself to give into satan, especially after having felt so much peace, comfort, forgiveness, and healing.  I invited the adversary to pull me into a dark place, a place that I don't want to venture to again.  I like what it says in 1 Peter 5:8

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (empahsis added)
 

He really is waiting for a weak moment when he can come in and "devour" me.  I need to be vigilant and turn to the Lord always otherwise he will destroy me. 

"Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you."  1 Peter 5:7 (empahsis added)
 

What peace this verse brings me.  I can cast my fears, my thoughts, my pain, everything upon Him becasue He cares for ME!  What a blessing this understanding is to me.  I know that I am NOT alone and that even if no one else does, He will always care for ME!