Unwanted

Years ago, when I was between 10 and 12 years old (I don't remember for sure how old I was), I was looking through some of my parent's photo albums.  I remember coming across a picture of my mom from their wedding reception.  It was a side view and I remember her bouquet resting on her stomach which seemed to protrude out a bit.  I then started doing some math in my head--they were married in early 1978 and was born halfway through 1978.  It didn't add up to 9 months, it could have if I had been born early, but I wasn't.  So I asked my mom about it.  She told me that she and my dad had made a mistake and got married halfway through their senior year.  I was born shortly after they graduated.

To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said.  What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake.  Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.

As a youth I always needed a boyfriend.  I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me.  So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband.  I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm).  I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.

When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way.  Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted.  But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.

When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary).  It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me.  He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough.  I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night  in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me.  He always came.  He wanted me.

Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him.  Suddenly I felt unwanted again.  Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him.  I wanted to curl up and die.

Our first year was HELL!   I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away.  Sex was just that, sex.  There was no connection, no intimacy.  Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart.  I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means.  I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used.  I said hurtful things and I was cruel.  I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away.  He made a mistake marrying me.  Here I was again, someone else's mistake.  UNWANTED was how I felt.

When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever.  My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage.  He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me.  He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me.  He was choosing his addiction over everything!  Although he doesn't feel that way.

I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted.  They didn't get to choose me though.  They got who was sent to them.  M on the other hand chose me.  I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.

I  know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me.  I doesn't feel that way at all.  I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me.  The man that promised to love me, CHOSE  thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me.  He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.

His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted.  It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing.  That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage.  It doesn't show me that he wants me.

I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about.  I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees.  How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him?  I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.

I just want to feel wanted.  I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me.  :(

working a good recovery?

Yesterday a fellow WoPA posed a question to me in response to a question I had asked about going on a cruise with M . . . "Do you feel like he is working a good recovery?" 

Honestly, I don't know.  I wish I did know.  I hope he is.  I just don't know for sure that he is working a good recovery.

After pondering on her question most of the day yesterday and then again this morning more questions came to my mind . . . WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY LOOK LIKE?  WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY FEEL LIKE?

I don't know.  And that leaves me feeling unsettled.  I know that recovery is different for each individual so how do I know if he is working a good recovery? 

Earlier this year I could say with confidence that he was working a good recovery, with emphasis on WORKING.  He was going to 2 meetings a week (we both were), journaling responses from the ARP manual, sharing his recovery with me, visiting with the bishop, etc.  It was obvious and I could see and feel it. 

Now, not so much.  I don't see it at all.  He hasn't been to a meeting for a while.  Although I do need to say that there have definitely been conflicts with kids, my surgery, hunting, etc to keep him/us from going.  He hasn't pulled his journal or his ARP manual out for months.  I don't know if he speaks with his sponsor anymore (although I am not sure what good that did...he told M that he was just able to stop).  Last month he even blamed me for being the reason he isn't doing recovery work.  HUH?!  I am reminded of something that Andrew from Rowboats said...
"Question: What is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery?
Answer: You can’t get the addict to talk about his recovery and you can’t get the addict in recovery to shut up about it."
M doesn't talk about recovery anymore and seems to avoid it or gets defensive when it is brought up.  He doesn't "want the addiction to be a part of him" and so by not talking about it, he can pretend it isn't, I guess.  Talking won't make it not true and avoiding it will only feed it.

His avoidance of talking about my feelings as a result of this addiction or to talk about the addiction at all, his defensiveness when we do talk about my feelings, his attempts to blame me for him not working recovery, his lack of desire to connect emotionally, his unwillingness to admit that he lied for most of our marriage to protect his mistress (his addiction), and other things don't feel like recovery to me.

I do see and feel some changes in him. 

He is trying to be more patient with the kids, he is SO helpful at home (dishes, sweeping, laundry, getting kids to bed, etc), and so much more.  To his credit though, he has always done that to some degree.  He has always been a good dad and a good husband.  He hasn't said an unkind thing to me or treated me badly like I have heard from some other wives.  And for that I am SO grateful.  However, it makes it confusing to me.  How do I know if he is working a good recovery if he is doing the same things as before? 

I still feel like he has a "secret" life.  I have no clue what he is or is NOT doing at work.  I thought he was working, but found out that he spent his days viewing porn.  Unfortunately, I don't know that he isn't doing that now because he doesn't talk about it.  He doesn't talk about any of it. I don't know if he is dealing with the negative emotions he is faced with.  I don't know that he isn't lusting.  I don't know anything when it comes to his recovery.  I just don't know.

I have asked repeatedly for transparency regarding this and he will say "Okay" and then nothing.  No nightly check-in like I have requested.  Nothing.  There are times after me asking several times when he will share some feelings--frustrations with work, kids, church, but not his struggles or anything to do with the addiction or recovery.  He isn't forthcoming about any of it.  And that leaves me feeling unsettled and I guess leaves me with my answer . . . . I personally can't say 'I see and feel that he is working a good recovery'.      

hard times

For as long as I can remember I have never felt good about myself.  I never much liked myself.  I never felt pretty enough.  I was never skinny enough.  And on and on.  I remember my younger sister and brother calling another brother and myself FAT.   

My high school boyfriend called me his  "kick me dog".  He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?"  I said "what do you mean?"  His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you."  I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say).  He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs).  My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin.  Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was.  My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ),  I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left.  I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."  

Looking back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up with it?   Why?  Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife.  My worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a million other things.  Finding out that my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women was literally crushing.  His actions backed up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth.  If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.

I am not gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard!  Mr. Hopeful did something last month, unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and physically.  His response to this particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I already felt.  It took me back to the last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then.  Back to my worthless feeling teenage self.  The recovery work I had done over the last 10 months or so went out the window.  I have been a mess.  Insanity has been my constant companion. 

It all came to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.  The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly, bitter, blaming, shaming fit.  To be honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done.  As in I can't live in this pain anymore.  I don't WANT to live in this pain anymore.  I just wanted it all over.  I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted that what did it matter what I did?  He didn't want me anyway so who cares?  INSANITY!! 

Thankfully, Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why).  He sent me an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel.  He was sharing it with me because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped that I might gain something from it.  He had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.  

More to come in the next post....

I encourage you to take the time to listen to this interview.  It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for my husband, and our bishop.  Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
 

The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Weapons of War

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Know ye that ye must lay down your weapons of war, and delight no more in the shedding of blood, and take them not again save it be that God shall command you. (Mormon 7:4)

 

Last night Mr. Hopeful and I were discussing his upcoming business trip.  To say I am nervous is an understatement. 

 

I am TERRIFIED!

 

I am afraid that this good thing we have going will be no more.  I fear that the stress of travel and being away from home and normal routines will send him back to his addiction.  Especially since business trips have been times of acting out for him. 

 

I fear that the stress of running my large family on my own will overwhelm me, opening the door for negative thoughts to dominate.

 

I am especially afraid because the phone is an awful way to communicate.  We read into the tone of the other's voice (co-dependent I know) and assume what the other is thinking or feeling.  Mr. Hopeful and I rely so much on seeing emotions in the eyes to better understand how the other is doing. 

 

The phone is also a trigger for me while he is away.  In the past I often felt as though he couldn't wait to get off the phone.  That there was always something more important for him to be doing.  I would hang up the phone after talking to him feeling unheard, unwanted.  Turns out there was something more "important", something keeping him from really engaging in the call . . . he was anticipating his next "fix" but he had to get his "duty call" in to me first.

 

During our conversation last night, these fears along with the pain from past phone conversations overtook me.  I could feel myself slipping back into attack and blame mode.  It only lasted a couple of minutes but the damage was still done as I pointed my finger at him and reminded him of the hurt this addiction has caused. 

 

Through my tears I begged my Father in Heaven to take this pain away.  I didn't want to remember the pain from those phone calls anymore.  I have been doing so well, have felt so much peace and I couldn't deal with this pain again. 

 

I also didn't want to throw it in Mr. Hopeful's face anymore.  I know he knows he has hurt me.  I know that he is so full of sorrow and remorse for my broken heart.  I know that he aches knowing there is nothing he can do to take the pain he has caused away. 

 

And yet, despite his constant efforts to be a better man, husband, dad, etc.  To help out around the house, to be loving, to work his recovery, to express his remorse I still throw my pains back in his face and say "but what about the time you did blah blah blah."  "And what about the time you said blankity blank."   Like Wildflower, I pain shop in order to deal with my fears.

 

I was reading Zaida's post "My Own Addiction" and could relate to so much of what she said.  She writes, "I am addicted to the reassurance/validation I get from my husband when I "go off".  The best description I can give is I verbally barf all over my poor husband....I then feel immediate relief....but then I feel so badly for my husband.  I recognize this is wrong and I want to stop!" 

 

Anyway, as I was praying through my tears I was reminded of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites and how they buried their weapons of war.  "They buried their weapons of war, for peace"(Alma 24:19).  They covenanted with the Lord that they would keep their swords "bright".  That they would no more use their "weapons for the shedding of man's blood, and they did bury them deep in the earth" (Alma 24:18). 

 

"Going off" and pain-shopping are some of my "weapons of war".  I throw my pain, my anger in Mr. Hopeful's face in an effort to show him how much he has hurt me.  But, He knows the pain he has caused and I know how sorrowful he is for it.  Why do I continue to fling my weapons of war at him?  Why do I "delight" in bring up past offenses?

 

As I contemplated my "weapons of war" I had a thought come to me that I need to write down this particular weapon, the pain that comes from past phone conversations, on a piece of paper and bury it.  

 

Literally bury it. 

 

Go out into the pasture or along the ditch bank behind my house and BURY it.  

 

And then like the Anti-Nephi-Lehites, leave it buried.  The scriptures say "a thousand and five of them" were slayed by the Lamanites because they buried their weapons. 

 

With the Lord's help I know that I can have the courage to bury this weapon and that it can stay buried.

I
 have hope to have the ability bury many more "weapons of war" through out this process.

Now to go find the place of burial.  I am sure my kiddos will have a blast digging the hole. 

 

Courage

This morning after watching a Mormon message I was prompted to read the story of Esther.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I had never read the story.  I have heard it referred to many times in lessons at church, but never read it for myself. 

I am amazed at Esther's courage as she went to the king to plea for the lives of her people (the Jews), knowing that because of the law she could be put to death.  Would I be able to do the same if I had been in her shoes?  Would I have the courage and faith in God that Esther had?

Wikipedia says "Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation."

As I read this definition and ponder on my life since the disclosure of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and my recent recognition of my own co-dependency addiction I am able to see that, like Esther, I have unknowingly shown courage in the face of my current trials.

On a daily basis I have to confront fears--fears that are a direct result of Mr. Hopeful's addiction and others that have been a part of me for a couple decades.  When I acknowledge the fears I have and turn them over to the Lord I am exhibiting courage.  I am confronting fears that, in the past, have paralyzed me and sent me into a tailspin.

I have had to face the reality of the pain that has been caused because of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  And at the same time have had to feel the pain of realizing my own sins and character flaws.  Yet, as I feel this pain I am given courage from the Lord to face it and learn from it.

During the past 18 months or so I have also had to confront times of uncertainty regarding the future of my marriage.  Would we be able to make it through?  Did I want to try to make it work, was it really worth it?  Did HE want me enough to make it work?  Did I deserve a second (third, fourth....tenth) chance after treating Mr. Hopeful so poorly?

I have had to lean on my Savior for the courage to do all of these things.  I have NOT been able to do it on my own, but through faith in Him I have been able to push through with courage. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 reads, " Be strong and a of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

I love what one of the women says in the video, "Brave is just acting in faith."  As I have faith in the Lord and in HIS plan for me, I can move forward with courage and know that "all things will work for my good". 

I have everything when I have courage and faith in Him. 

Dependent on Him

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"And together we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

 

"know thou, . . . that all these things shall give thee experince, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

 

Due to a surgery, I have been sitting around for the last few weeks lame, unable to do much of anything for myself or my family.  I have felt worthless.  If I can't take of my family what worth do I have.  I know I am of worth it is just hard knowing I can't perform my duties as mother and wife.  

 

I have had to deal with the inital pain of the surgery and then the pain of recovery.  The sadness of not being able to carry my baby to bed or to play outside with my kids.  I don't even want to think of the pain that will undoubtly come from the impending physical therapy. 

 

My ankle was badly damaged after years of injuries.  I was in pain most of the time, despite trying to baby it and avoid activities that might cause pain.  Unfortunately after a trying therapy it was determined that my ankle was shot and needed to be "rebuilt".  The two outside ligaments were cut, tightened, and stitched together as well as the tendon going across the front of the ankle. 

 

As I mentioned I have been in pain, still experience pain despite being 3 weeks out from surgery, and know that there will be more pain as therapy resumes.  In order for my ankle to be whole again I had to experience this pain.  This pain has been "for my good".

 

I said above that I have been unable to much for myself or my family due to my surgery and the fact that I can't put weight on my ankle.  So I have had to allow others to take care of me.  I say allow because sure I could try to do things on my own, but it could result in injury to myself or another (my baby if I tried to carry her to bed).  There have been a few times that I have tried to do a few things for myself and have had some close calls. 

 

So I sit.  And watch.  I watch hubby, my mom, my mother-in-law, my kids, and kind ward members do everything for me.

 

I have had some very strong impressions come to me in the last couple of days involving this trial of physical pain in my ankle and how it correlates to the emotional and spiritual pains that I am faced with as a result of hubby's addiction as well as my own addition to co-dependency.

 

Like the pain from my surgery, the pains that I feel as a result of the disclosures, lack of initmacy, loss of trust, that have come as a result of hubby's addiction are necessary.  They are for my good.  It may be hard to see the good, but I am coming to understand and KNOW that they are, in fact, for my good. 

 

Although it may be necessary for me to suffer these pains, it doesn't mean that I need to or CAN suffer them alone.  Just like I have had to be dependent on everyone around me for the last few weeks to help me do the things I can't physically do for myself.  I, too, am dependent on my Savior and His grace to help me endure the emotional, spiritual, and physical pains that I feel. 

 

I hate to ask for help.  I feel as though I can and should do most everything for myself.  Yah, you could say that I am a martyr at times--I am working on that.  I hate to admit that there haven't been many times when I can say that I have truly turned to my Savior for His help. 

 

The story of Peter walking on the water to the Savior came to my mind the other day.  When Peter became frightened and started sinking, He called out to Christ to help him.  I realized that instead of reaching out to my Savior as I began to sink into the rough waters of life I have been treading water, trying to keep my head above water on my own. 

 

There have been a few times when I felt as though my head was sinking below the surface that I reached out to my Savior to pull me back up to safety.  I would thank Him for His help and resume my own treading.

 

As I think about how I have been forced to depend on others because of my current physical limitations, I have also come to realize that I have to stop treading.  To reach my hand out to my Savior, just as Peter did. 

 

I have come to see how truly dependent on Him I am.  For EVERYTHING.  Not just healing from the impact of hubby's addiction in my life, but from my own shortcomings and weaknesses.  From my own sins.  I can NOT be changed without HIM and His grace. 

 

So I reach out and trust in His perfect plan for me.  I trust that He can heal my pains and that "this experience is for my good".