Progress?

Since finding out about M's addiction my feelings have run the gamut...overwhelming sadness, denial, depression, bouts of anger, hurt, and so much more.  Some days are good and I can make it through the day without shedding any tears.  Other days I am a mascara-streaked, crumpled mess.  Some days I am at peace with where we are at and others I am weighed down with the heaviness of where we are at.

Lately I feel ANGRY!  

Angry that M could lie so easily to me and more so that he would choose to lie to me...over and over.  I am angry that he refuses to acknowledge that he lied or the damage it has had on me and our marriage.  I am angry that I can't trust him to tell me the truth about anything because he finds it so easy to lie.  I am angry that he says it isn't up to him to earn the trust back.

I am angry that while I was home taking care of OUR household and family, he was spending hours watching porn and fantasizing. Angry that he put his job in jeopardy every time he viewed at work or while on business trips. 

I am angry that he used his resentments toward me, or anyone else, as reason to act out.  Angry that he said I was the reason he turned back to it after we were married.  

I am so angry that despite me being understanding the first couple times he told me he had a "little struggle" with porn, he hid it from me the until the last two D-days. It wasn't until I finally asked "what is going on" that he said anything and even then it was a trickle.  I had to pry for more and more.  He didn't come out with it up front. 

I am angry that I can't talk to M about my feelings because he shuts down, minimizes my feelings, or justifies them away.  I am angry that his feelings matter more than mine, more than trying to rebuild our marriage.

I am angry that M repeatedly "stepped out" on our marriage with thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women.  While it was not physically with other women (that I know of) he had affairs in his mind daily and acted out sexually with himself.  In my mind that is no different than physically being with another woman.  I am angry that there were no repercussions for his actions in regards to his standing in the church.  Nothing.  I am angry that something as simple as drinking coffee will keep an individual from being to attend the temple, but viewing and fantasizing about thousands of women while sexually taking care of his needs doesn't.  The Savior said, "...That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart".  

I am angry that M used me to get his fix.  Angry that what should have been special has been made to be cheap and common.  Angry that I can't trust whether he is wanting to truly connect with me or if he is just needing a fix.  Angry that I don't know if he is thinking about me during or if he is pulling up old images, old fantasies.

I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition.  There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction.  I was left feeling like a crazy person.

I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.

This post could go on for quite some time...Needless to say, I am hurt.  I am angry.  

And you know what?  That is okay.  It isn't being unChristlike.  Christ felt anger.  Heavenly Father feels anger.  The way I deal with the anger determines if I am being Christlike or not.  My anger is a result of the choices and betrayal of M.  And now it is up to me how I handle my anger.  Right now I am choosing to write about it.   I may choose to talk about it.  I may even choose to break some things.   

I recently read that several other wives are dealing with feelings of anger as a result of their own husband's addictions.  A couple of them were told by their therapists that they were making progress in their healing as it is good and necessary to feel and acknowledge the anger.  That is is part of the grieving process.

Well right now I am feeling it.  I am acknowledging it.  Feeling it is important and imperative to my healing. So maybe, just maybe I am making progress?!? 

Triggers, boundaries, and FEAR with a side of trust

This week has been triggering for me in a big way. 

To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different.  It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me.  Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.

The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover.  These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface.  Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood. 

There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use.  The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well.  I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense) 

Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children.  It just didn't sit right.  Does my husband act like a child at times?  Yes.  Do I, also, act like a child a times?  Unfortunately, yes.  This does not mean that I should treat him like a child.  I am not his parent.  I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework. 

The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me.  That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries. 
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave. 
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries. 
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!

It is all so confusing and overwhelming. 

I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries.  I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again.  I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it.  I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.

One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction.  It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.

Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear.  My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was?  Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction?  I have no way to prove if he is or not.  Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that.  He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue. 

What did I do with these fears? 

I didn't obsess.  I didn't accuse my husband of acting out.  I turned to the only ONE I can trust.  I turned to my Father in Heaven.  I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him.  I was enveloped in sense of peace.  The fears and doubts were taken away. 

Later I spoke to my husband.  I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why.   I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries.  He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.

Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery.  I am changing.  The Lord is changing me."  And you know what, I believe him.  I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words.  He IS being changed.  

While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings.  I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit.  That is enough for me. 

It has to be enough.