Worth

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues.  What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth. 

If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.

If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.

If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.

If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.

On and on it went.

It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself.  Felt that I had worth.

Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated!  I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc.  I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.  

In short, I wasn't enough. 

As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ".  As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me.  This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God. 

I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in.  I am a child of GOD.  I am His daughter.  And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH.  Infinite worth.

I am NOT what I do or do not do.  I am NOT how I look or what others think I am.  My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am.  I am of WORTH because I AM me.

One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness.  I tried to remind him that he is a child of God.  I shared with him the man I see.  The man that the Lord has allowed me to see.  While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself. 

I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him.  To which he said "No, but I need to".  I believe we all need to.  It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us.  (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)

Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes.  Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us.  One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,

"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father.  If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."

Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict.  He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction. 

The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks.  The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God. 

My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation.  And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth.  I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.

It is right

 

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I appreciate the quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  MM shared in her post the other day.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

As I read this quote I reflected back on the day, sixteen years ago, that Mr. Hopeful and I got engaged.  We had talked about marriage for a while and decided that we wanted to see if that was what the Lord wanted.  We fasted and prayed, and he attended the temple.  Late that night we went to the gardens on campus and knelt in prayer together.  I felt strongly that marrying this man was, in fact, what the Lord wanted me to do.

How happy I was to receive a witness that, YES, marrying him was good.  I naively thought it meant that because the Lord said it was good that life would be free from struggles and heartache. 

We have faced many trials (big and small) during our marriage--adjusting to married life, pressures of school, living on a very meager budget while going to school, several moves, job lay-off, going back to Graduate school at night while working during the day, a child within death's grasp due to a freak fall, a miscarriage, illnesses, difficulties with kids, demanding callings, and  now addiction (my own and his). 

During our first year as we tried to adjust to married life and living with each other there came a point each of us felt like giving up. Giving up on each other, on our marriage.  It was HARD, so much harder than I thought marriage should be.  But then we were blessed with an amazing tender mercy--our oldest child.  Our relationship changed for the better.  We had a good marriage.  We loved, we laughed, we cried, we fought, we had more kids, we were happy.  It was GOOD!

Sure we had trials and hiccups along the way, but life was GOOD!  Our marriage was good.

Then a year and a half ago I became painfully aware of Mr. Hopeful's addiction.  Immediately our good life, our good marriage was no more.  Our marriage, our life together had been a LIE.

Why would I feel so strongly to marry a man that Heavenly Father knew was addicted to lust/pornography?  Why would He tell me it was good to marry this man who would later break my heart?  Why, when Heavenly Father knew I struggled with self image and self worth issues, would he say it was good to marry a man that would end up shattering any sense of self image and worth I did have?

I began to question the feeling I had received that night sixteen years ago to marry my husband.  As Elder Holland said, I gave in to the "temptation to retreat from a good thing."  I was ready to give up and give in to "that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness."  I thought seriously about walking out of my marriage.  Mr. Hopeful had already given up on it (or so it appeared) so why should I stick around?  I was ready to give up my place in this life, I wanted so badly to go home.  Home to my Father in Heaven. 

I didn't think it was possible to live in happiness ever again.  Satan had won.  He had destroyed my happiness as he bound my husband, my eternal companion, in his cords of addiction, lies, secrecy, and bitterness.  In his darkness. 

When I finally decided to forgive and work on my own healing, I began to understand that marrying Mr. Hopeful was right.  "It was right when I prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."  I began to understand that the 15 years of my marriage previous to finding out about the addiction were NOT a lie.  We were happy.  We did have a  good life. 

Yes, addiction was present during those years, but that doesn't negate the experiences we shared.  It doesn't take away the joy of the births of our children.  The excitement of a new job and a move to a new state.  The anticipation of building our first home.  The fun of working to make our yard a perfect place for our kiddos to play.  The enjoyment of working side by side to remodel and add onto our current home.  These experiences were REAL before I knew about the addiction and they are just a REAL now that I know.

My happiness then was real.  And it is real now. I will not let satan destroy my current or future happiness.  As I turn to the Lord through my recovery, slowly "I am facing my doubts. Mastering my fears."  And I know that as I "stay the course" I will truly "see the beauty of life unfold for me."  I am coming to believe that my happiness is NOT dependent on what anyone, Mr. Hopeful included, does or does not do. 

Does this mean that we won't face more trials in our marriage?  Does it mean that Mr. Hopeful won't go back to his addiction?  That I won't turn to my own addiction?  Or that life is always going to be sunshine and roses?   Certainly not, but I do know that sixteen years ago when I prayed it was right.  And, for now, it is right.

The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.

Working toward it

 

There were a few talks that really stood out to me from General Conference this past weekend--loved Elder Holland's talk.  Among my favorites was the talk on terrific marriages by Elder L. Whitney Clayton. 

 

"No other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement."  Because of the sacred nature marriage, it can also bring the most pain and heartache, as we WoPA's have experienced.  I know for many of the wives this talk was very triggering, which is understandable considering the destruction lust addiction has had on our marriages.  It was a painful reminder of the marriages we don't have and possibly will never have if we and our husband's don't choose recovery.  For myself, however, I found great peace and hope in this talk.

 

While Mr. Hopeful and I are far from having a terrific marriage, this talk is a great "road map", like Sparrow commented on another blog, for us to follow in order to achieve a terrific marriage.  A true CELESTIAL marriage. 

 

Elder Clayton's words brought hope to my heart as I was able to look at our marriage and say "Hey, we are doing that and we are working on that."

 

Mr. Hopeful and I are "working side by side doing the most important work there is, the work we do in our own homes."   We are united in teaching our children and doing the things that invite the spirit into our home--FHE, prayer, scripture study, etc.  We share in the privilege of putting our little ones to bed and saying individual prayers with them.  We find great joy in spending time with our older kids and talking to them about their days. 

 

Every night we "retire to bed together" and study our own recovery steps, read a talk together, journal, or study the scriptures.  This usually ends up in discussions on where we are at in our individual recovery's as well as the recovery of our marriage and family.  We now call our bed one of our "holy places" as so many tender spiritual experiences have taken place as we are laying in our bed.  We joke that we are never going to get rid of our bed.

 

Elder Clayton says, "Transparency is a key element.  There should be no secrets about relevant matters in marriages . . ."  Mr. Hopeful and I are working toward this.  There has been HUGE changes in transparency for both him and I.  It is a process and as we are patient and forgiving of each other I know it will continue to improve. 

 

"Happy marriages rely on repentance."  I am striving daily to take a honest look at myself and see if there is anything in behavior toward my husband that I need to repent of.  If there is, then I quickly apologize and repent of it.

 

"Strengthening faith, strengthens marriage"  As we both work our own recovery's we are strengthening our faith which is in turn strengthening our marriage.  I was reminded of the God/Marriage Triangle when I heard this part of Elder Clayton's talk.

As a husband and wife draw closer to God, they also come closer to each other. As they come closer to God, they develop more attributes that are essential for a relationship to last for years upon years. These characteristics include respect, forgiveness, repentance, love, and compassion. As couples are working at drawing closer to God, they are able to maintain an intimate connection for a significant longer period of time.

 

 

Other than our individual relationship's with the Lord, our marriage is our "first priority".  We are making time to really connect with each other, to laugh together, to cry together, to parent together, to study together.  We are doing this TOGETHER.  I am grateful that HE wants to do it with ME.  And that I want to do it with HIM.  If I am honest, there was a time when I wondered if I did. 

 

Most importantly, we are doing it TOGETHER with the Lord.  It can't work any other way. 

 

There were some quotes from Elder Clayton's talk that stood out as something that I need to work on to strengthen our marriage.  Too often I find myself lashing out at Mr. Hopeful when I allow the negative emotions and thoughts dominate.  Fears and doubts cloud my mind leading me to pain shop and wield my weapons of war.  Instead, I need to "answer softly and listen kindly." 

 

I am grateful for this inspired talk and the hope that it gives me that Mr. Hopeful and I can have a "Terrific Marriage" despite the difficulties that we are facing and will undoubtedly face in the future.       

Love

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Today is Valentine's Day.  I know for many WoPA's (Wife of Porn Addicts) this day is not the best day of the year.  Too many of us are painfully reminded of the hurt and betrayal of our spouse's addiction.  It can be hard to want to feel love for someone that has hurt us so deeply.

 

When I first found out about hubby's addiction I was so hurt and so angry that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore.   I struggled knowing that I had spent 15 years loving him only to learn that he didn't love me enough to NOT do what he was doing.  I didn't understand addiction and what it had done to his mind.  I didn't understand that he did love me, but his ability to love others and to feel love was crippled.

 

After much prayer and asking to see hubby as the Lord sees him, I can honestly say that the Lord has blessed me with a greater love and compassion for my husband.  A love that continues to grow and deepen.

 

I love hubby's willingness to share his testimony with those around him, especially with myself and our children.  He loves the Savior and all that He has done for him.

 

I love when he wrestles with our older boys and when he patiently reads the same two or three books over and over to our 2 year old.  He is a great dad.

 

I love the example of hard work he is to our children.  I love that he desires to teach them how to work and the importance of it.

 

I love him for all he does to support his family, to provide us with a good life.

 

I love him for all he does to help me out around the house--sweeping, washing dishes, picking up after the kids, bathing kids, getting up early to make lunches and get the kids off to school, and so much more.

 

I love him for loving me when I am at my worst.

 

I love him for his sincere compliments of me.

I love his quirky sense of humor and that after 16 years together he can still make me laugh.

 

I love that he takes our boys fishing and enjoys spending time with them. 

 

I love to see him hold his baby girl and see the love he feels for her.  He is so gentle and loving to her.

 

I love that he supports me in my own recovery and is excited when I  share things with him.

 

I love that he shares insights and things he has learned from his personal study with me.  He teaches me and has helped me understand many things of the gospel.

I love him for never blaming his addiction on me.  He always made me feel attractive and loved.  He was never mean or angry. 

 

I love that he enjoys so many different foods and is always encouraging me to try new and different meals for our family.

 

I admire him for his courage in attending his group meetings.  He is such an example of humility.

 

I love him for the man that he is becoming.  For the changes that the Lord is bringing about in him.

 

I love when he hugs me tightly upon coming home from work and then again throughout the evening.

 

I love him for his patience with me as I try to work my way through the trauma that I have experienced.  Even when it means the anger is aimed at him.  He is understanding, gentle, and loving.

 

I love that he is able to help our boys with homework problems that I can't help them with.  I love that he is willing to do so.

 

I love that he enjoys gardening and the joy that growing a successful garden brings him.

 

I love his tender heart and admire his ability to cry when the spirit touches him. 

 

I love the happiness I see in his eyes.  I love hearing him laugh and seeing him smile.

 

I love hearing him pray and feeling of his love for our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

 

I love that he is my best friend.  I love that we can cry together.  We can laugh together and enjoy each other's company.

 

I love that he loves me despite my many weaknesses.   I love that he sees me for who I can be.

 

I love that he strives to live every day to bring the spirit into his life, into our marriage, and into our home.  He is a great example to me of turning his will over to the Lord.

 

My heart is full of gratitude for my husband.  He is a good man.  A great father.  A good husband.  He is working hard to become an even better man, dad, and husband.  I love him so much for that.  He is a great example to me and our children.  I am grateful to the Lord for blessing me with the ability to see all the good in my husband.  To see him as the Lord sees him and see a glimpse of his potential.