Progress?

Since finding out about M's addiction my feelings have run the gamut...overwhelming sadness, denial, depression, bouts of anger, hurt, and so much more.  Some days are good and I can make it through the day without shedding any tears.  Other days I am a mascara-streaked, crumpled mess.  Some days I am at peace with where we are at and others I am weighed down with the heaviness of where we are at.

Lately I feel ANGRY!  

Angry that M could lie so easily to me and more so that he would choose to lie to me...over and over.  I am angry that he refuses to acknowledge that he lied or the damage it has had on me and our marriage.  I am angry that I can't trust him to tell me the truth about anything because he finds it so easy to lie.  I am angry that he says it isn't up to him to earn the trust back.

I am angry that while I was home taking care of OUR household and family, he was spending hours watching porn and fantasizing. Angry that he put his job in jeopardy every time he viewed at work or while on business trips. 

I am angry that he used his resentments toward me, or anyone else, as reason to act out.  Angry that he said I was the reason he turned back to it after we were married.  

I am so angry that despite me being understanding the first couple times he told me he had a "little struggle" with porn, he hid it from me the until the last two D-days. It wasn't until I finally asked "what is going on" that he said anything and even then it was a trickle.  I had to pry for more and more.  He didn't come out with it up front. 

I am angry that I can't talk to M about my feelings because he shuts down, minimizes my feelings, or justifies them away.  I am angry that his feelings matter more than mine, more than trying to rebuild our marriage.

I am angry that M repeatedly "stepped out" on our marriage with thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women.  While it was not physically with other women (that I know of) he had affairs in his mind daily and acted out sexually with himself.  In my mind that is no different than physically being with another woman.  I am angry that there were no repercussions for his actions in regards to his standing in the church.  Nothing.  I am angry that something as simple as drinking coffee will keep an individual from being to attend the temple, but viewing and fantasizing about thousands of women while sexually taking care of his needs doesn't.  The Savior said, "...That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart".  

I am angry that M used me to get his fix.  Angry that what should have been special has been made to be cheap and common.  Angry that I can't trust whether he is wanting to truly connect with me or if he is just needing a fix.  Angry that I don't know if he is thinking about me during or if he is pulling up old images, old fantasies.

I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition.  There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction.  I was left feeling like a crazy person.

I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.

This post could go on for quite some time...Needless to say, I am hurt.  I am angry.  

And you know what?  That is okay.  It isn't being unChristlike.  Christ felt anger.  Heavenly Father feels anger.  The way I deal with the anger determines if I am being Christlike or not.  My anger is a result of the choices and betrayal of M.  And now it is up to me how I handle my anger.  Right now I am choosing to write about it.   I may choose to talk about it.  I may even choose to break some things.   

I recently read that several other wives are dealing with feelings of anger as a result of their own husband's addictions.  A couple of them were told by their therapists that they were making progress in their healing as it is good and necessary to feel and acknowledge the anger.  That is is part of the grieving process.

Well right now I am feeling it.  I am acknowledging it.  Feeling it is important and imperative to my healing. So maybe, just maybe I am making progress?!? 

Untruth? Truth?

Where is the line between honesty & dishonesty?  Truth between a lie?  What is considered being truth or untruthful?  I suppose it varies from person to person depending on their beliefs.  What might be thought of as untruthful for one is not for another.

This seems to be the case with M and I.  I am struggling to understand how the man I love, who said he loved me could lie to me, to my face, and not blink an eye.  And despite a year of recovery still adamantly deny being dishonest to me.  This is a man that if you were to ask him a simple, meaningless question can't lie.  It is written all over his face.  So how can he lie so easily about real things, things that matter, that have the potential to destroy his family and claim he wasn't dishonest?

Is there a difference between simply omitting certain details and actual dishonesty?  In some circumstances, sure I guess, or does it have more to do with motive rather that what is or is NOT being said?  

Here are a few definitions--
      dishonest:  characterized by lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness;
                         deceptive
      dishonesty:  lack of honesty or integrity; disposition to defraud or
                          deceive
     deceive:  to be false to; beguile, delude, mislead
     untruthful:  discrepancy between what is said and fact or reality
     lie:  to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive, to create a false
            or misleading representation
     omit:  to leave out or leave unmentioned

To me they sound quite similar, and all too familiar.  For 15 years my husband lied to me about his *little* problem or in his words he "didn't tell me everything about his struggle."  He would come home from work and be a good, attentive dad and really, a good husband--helpful, engaged, etc.  Yet his life at work or on business trips was completely different.  When I would ask how his day was, what he had going on, etc he would tell me just enough to placate me.  He would omit certain details like um, "I spent 3 hours viewing porn and fantasizing at work today."  Or, "I really want to get off the phone because the computer is calling my name.  Sorry you are home dealing with the kids alone while I am fantasizing and taking care of myself".  His intent was to deceive me, to hide his other life.

Knowing that my husband wants every other woman and finds pleasure watching women be degraded is excruciatingly painful.  However, the dishonesty and his unwillingness to recognize it as such makes me see red.  Like I wanna rip off his head and throw it across the room, RED! More than that though it will be a death sentence to our marriage.  I wish he could see and really understand that.  Just be honest, damn it!

It reminds me of what children are told a lot, "You might get in trouble for doing (fill in the blank).  However, if you lie about it you will get in trouble for the wrong done AND for lying."  He doesn't get it.

I simply can't tolerate any more dishonesty, being untruthful, lies, deception, omissions, NOTHING!  I need complete transparency in all things not just the stupid addiction.  ALL things!