My high school boyfriend called me his "kick me dog". He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?" I said "what do you mean?" His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you." I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say). He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs). My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin. Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was. My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ), I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left. I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."
Looking
back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up
with it? Why?
Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a
girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife. My
worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was
pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a
million other things. Finding out that
my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women
was literally crushing. His actions backed
up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth. If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.
I am not
gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard! Mr. Hopeful did something last month,
unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and
physically. His response to this
particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I
already felt. It took me back to the
last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then. Back to my worthless feeling teenage self. The recovery work I had done over the last 10
months or so went out the window. I have
been a mess. Insanity has been my
constant companion.
It all came
to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.
The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly,
bitter, blaming, shaming fit. To be
honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done. As in I can't live in this pain anymore. I don't WANT to live in this pain
anymore. I just wanted it all over. I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted
that what did it matter what I did? He
didn't want me anyway so who cares?
INSANITY!!
Thankfully,
Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why). He sent me
an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel. He was sharing it with me
because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped
that I might gain something from it. He
had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.
More to come
in the next post....
I encourage
you to take the time to listen to this interview. It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for
my husband, and our bishop. Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
