hard times

For as long as I can remember I have never felt good about myself.  I never much liked myself.  I never felt pretty enough.  I was never skinny enough.  And on and on.  I remember my younger sister and brother calling another brother and myself FAT.   

My high school boyfriend called me his  "kick me dog".  He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?"  I said "what do you mean?"  His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you."  I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say).  He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs).  My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin.  Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was.  My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ),  I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left.  I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."  

Looking back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up with it?   Why?  Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife.  My worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a million other things.  Finding out that my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women was literally crushing.  His actions backed up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth.  If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.

I am not gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard!  Mr. Hopeful did something last month, unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and physically.  His response to this particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I already felt.  It took me back to the last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then.  Back to my worthless feeling teenage self.  The recovery work I had done over the last 10 months or so went out the window.  I have been a mess.  Insanity has been my constant companion. 

It all came to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.  The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly, bitter, blaming, shaming fit.  To be honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done.  As in I can't live in this pain anymore.  I don't WANT to live in this pain anymore.  I just wanted it all over.  I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted that what did it matter what I did?  He didn't want me anyway so who cares?  INSANITY!! 

Thankfully, Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why).  He sent me an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel.  He was sharing it with me because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped that I might gain something from it.  He had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.  

More to come in the next post....

I encourage you to take the time to listen to this interview.  It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for my husband, and our bishop.  Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15