Needs

As a mom I am constantly worrying about and taking care of the needs of my family.  There is the seemlingly never ending list of needs--Diapers that need changing, meals that need prepared, laundry needing washed and folded, stories to be read, homework that needs to be checked and explained, baby that needs fed, cuddle time, kisses for the little bumps and bruises, attention as they tell me about their day, hugs just to know they are loved, a house that needs straightened up, and the list goes on and on and on.

I love being a mom and a wife.  I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has blessed my husband with a great job that provides well for our large family.  A job that allows me to stay home and tend to the needs of my family.  I am grateful for a husband that is willing to sacrifice so much to provide for his family. 

I have become very adept at knowing what my children need.  There are times I do not get it right, but for the most part I know what they need and am able to fill those needs.  Although not by my own efforts for sure. 

In the past I have felt that I knew what my husband's needs were as well.  I felt that I was pretty good at meeting those needs.  We were physically intimate often (probably not often enough for him), I made good meals, I helped him with projects around the yard, made sure he had a clean house to come home to, etc.

When hubby's addiction came to light I felt as though I was no longer enough.  I had been kidding myself in thinking I had been meeting any of his needs.   I felt worthless, as my life revolved around taking care of our children's and HIS needs. 

I became convinced that I knew what he NEEDED to overcome this addiciton.  That I was the ONE that could help him "kick it" for good.  I studied with him, prayed with him, asked him how he was doing regarding temptations, removed perceived temptations out of his path, and so much more. 

And then he relapsed. 

How was it possible for him to relapse when I knew what HE needed?  I was trying so hard to fill all of his needs so that he would never need to act out again.  What happened? 

In truth, I have NO idea what HE needs.  How prideful of me to think that I knew what hubby needed.  And that I could provide what HE needed. 

In fact, I have come to realize that I don't even know what I, myself, need. 

There is only ONE who knows what we each need.  He is "the One" that can give us what we truly need.  He suffered EVERYTHING that we will ever suffer--pains of sin, temptations, heartache, discomforts, EVERYTHING.  He didn't have to feel all that we would feel, but He loved us so much that HE willingly chose to suffer our pains in order to know how to help US.  So He could know exactly what we would need in those times of despair.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said ". . . we need to understand that He knows what we do not know.  He see what we do not see.  Trust in Him.  He knows what is best for His child . . ."

I need to trust that the Lord does know what is best for me.  He knows what trials I need for my spiritual growth.  He knows what I need to heal, to be forgiven, and what I need to experience a true change of heart.  I need to trust that He can and will take care of my needs when I can't for myself.

I also need to trust that He knows the same for my hubby.  That HE can do for hubby that which I was trying to do for him, but should not have and could not do. 

Also, I need remember that I am unable to know everything that my children need.    While I am aware of their needs for food, clean clothes, cuddles, etc, I am not aware of what they may need spiritually and emotionally.   As their mom it is my responsibility to teach them who can help them with ALL of their needs, big or small.  It is my duty to help them understand that their Savior is there for them to help them with their needs.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)

I do not know what is best for me.  I do not understand what I need to grow and develp spiritually.  I can't know what is best for hubby.  I do not understand what he needs.  Only the Lord knows that and I am putting my trust in HIM that He knows what I need.  What hubby needs.  What my family needs.

Love

credit

 

Today is Valentine's Day.  I know for many WoPA's (Wife of Porn Addicts) this day is not the best day of the year.  Too many of us are painfully reminded of the hurt and betrayal of our spouse's addiction.  It can be hard to want to feel love for someone that has hurt us so deeply.

 

When I first found out about hubby's addiction I was so hurt and so angry that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore.   I struggled knowing that I had spent 15 years loving him only to learn that he didn't love me enough to NOT do what he was doing.  I didn't understand addiction and what it had done to his mind.  I didn't understand that he did love me, but his ability to love others and to feel love was crippled.

 

After much prayer and asking to see hubby as the Lord sees him, I can honestly say that the Lord has blessed me with a greater love and compassion for my husband.  A love that continues to grow and deepen.

 

I love hubby's willingness to share his testimony with those around him, especially with myself and our children.  He loves the Savior and all that He has done for him.

 

I love when he wrestles with our older boys and when he patiently reads the same two or three books over and over to our 2 year old.  He is a great dad.

 

I love the example of hard work he is to our children.  I love that he desires to teach them how to work and the importance of it.

 

I love him for all he does to support his family, to provide us with a good life.

 

I love him for all he does to help me out around the house--sweeping, washing dishes, picking up after the kids, bathing kids, getting up early to make lunches and get the kids off to school, and so much more.

 

I love him for loving me when I am at my worst.

 

I love him for his sincere compliments of me.

I love his quirky sense of humor and that after 16 years together he can still make me laugh.

 

I love that he takes our boys fishing and enjoys spending time with them. 

 

I love to see him hold his baby girl and see the love he feels for her.  He is so gentle and loving to her.

 

I love that he supports me in my own recovery and is excited when I  share things with him.

 

I love that he shares insights and things he has learned from his personal study with me.  He teaches me and has helped me understand many things of the gospel.

I love him for never blaming his addiction on me.  He always made me feel attractive and loved.  He was never mean or angry. 

 

I love that he enjoys so many different foods and is always encouraging me to try new and different meals for our family.

 

I admire him for his courage in attending his group meetings.  He is such an example of humility.

 

I love him for the man that he is becoming.  For the changes that the Lord is bringing about in him.

 

I love when he hugs me tightly upon coming home from work and then again throughout the evening.

 

I love him for his patience with me as I try to work my way through the trauma that I have experienced.  Even when it means the anger is aimed at him.  He is understanding, gentle, and loving.

 

I love that he is able to help our boys with homework problems that I can't help them with.  I love that he is willing to do so.

 

I love that he enjoys gardening and the joy that growing a successful garden brings him.

 

I love his tender heart and admire his ability to cry when the spirit touches him. 

 

I love the happiness I see in his eyes.  I love hearing him laugh and seeing him smile.

 

I love hearing him pray and feeling of his love for our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

 

I love that he is my best friend.  I love that we can cry together.  We can laugh together and enjoy each other's company.

 

I love that he loves me despite my many weaknesses.   I love that he sees me for who I can be.

 

I love that he strives to live every day to bring the spirit into his life, into our marriage, and into our home.  He is a great example to me of turning his will over to the Lord.

 

My heart is full of gratitude for my husband.  He is a good man.  A great father.  A good husband.  He is working hard to become an even better man, dad, and husband.  I love him so much for that.  He is a great example to me and our children.  I am grateful to the Lord for blessing me with the ability to see all the good in my husband.  To see him as the Lord sees him and see a glimpse of his potential.

Afraid

I am having surgery on Friday, and I am afraid, TERRIFIED!  It is a simple procedure, at least that is what I am told, but I am so afraid.
 
Afraid I will react badly to the anethesia and NOT wake up.
 
I am afraid of the recovery.  I have 4 young children to care for and that is going to be quite difficult as I will be unable to walk on my own.

I am afraid of the pain.  Despite delivering 5 of my 7 babies without pain meds, I fear the pain from this surgery.

I am afraid of what this could mean for my spiritual recovery. 

I am afraid what it could mean for hubby's recovery.  I know, very codependent of me, but it is the truth.  Last year he started working on recovery and then I got pregnant.  As a result of overwhelming tiredness and sickness we both became apathetic in our study, prayers, etc and he relapsed.  I am afraid that will happen again.  I know I need to be okay regardless of whether he is doing well or not, but I am struggling with that right now.

I don't feel that I am spending all my time dwelling on these fears, but they are very much present.  Because of my fears I find that my recovery right now is stuck.  The fears are playing off my insecurities from hubby's addiction and previous insecurities and I am in a downward spiral.  I am struggling to stay afloat. 

I know that Satan can see that I am struggling and he is taking full advantage of it.  I have little engery to fight the barrage of attacks he is sending my way. 

In turn, I verbally assaulted hubby last night.  Bringing up hurt from the addiction when that isn't the cause of the emotions that I am fighting with.  I lashed out at him and what did he do? He hugged me, loved me.  Which leaves me feeling like an awful person.

How can I say "I love you" when my actions didn't show that I love him? 

How can I say "I'm sorry" when my words and actions said otherwise? 

I am unsure of how to act around him or what to say to him.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted to my fears and taking it out on him.  I wish that I could rewind the clock and take it all back, but I can't.  The damage has been done. 

I am afriad of what could possibly happen to our relationship with the damage that I did. 

I am afraid that the extra burdens placed on him during my surgery recovery will lead to him resenting me and create more of a rift in our relationship.   

Bottom line....I am AFRAID.  Very much AFRAID!

Lifting Burdens

 

A few weeks ago I had a day when I was struggling a great deal.  I felt very down on myself.  I felt forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  In turn, I isolated myself from Him.

I had an experience that day that made me know that He hadn't forgotten me.  He IS aware of me and He loves me. That He will carry me through this difficult time.

I stepped out of the shower that morning and heard my 2-year old crying.  He is always climbing up on something so I was afraid that he might have fallen or might possibly be stuck up on a shelf unable to get down.  I quickly threw a towel around me and ran to the sound of his cry.

I found him at the bottom of the stairs with an arm full of toy cars.  He was trying desperately to carry all of the cars but he kept dropping them.  As he would pick one up two more would drop.  He was frustrated that he couldn't carry all of them. 

In effort to help him, I bent down to take the cars from him and carry them up the stairs for him which caused him to cry all the more.  I tried to let him know that I was only trying to help him, but he was UPSET.  He wanted to carry all of them on his own despite being able to.

As this situation played out I received a strong impression from the Lord.  I have been trying to carry everything on my own, unable to because there is just too much.  I don't have to try to do it on my own.  He is there for me, waiting for me to hand my burdens, my "arm full of cars", to Him.

It is not like this lesson was new to me in anyway, but I needed a gentle reminder.   

Like my son, I have "screamed" at the Lord when He has tried to help me with my load.  When I thought I need to do this on my own.  Other times I have handed him a few of my "cars" only to take them back.

A scripture came to mind as I pondered on this lesson I had been taught.  "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer righteous to be moved." (Psalms 55:22-emphasis mine)

I need to be willing to hand my burdens over to Him.  By doing so He will bless me with His grace to patiently endure the trials that I face. 

I can't expect Him to take ease my burdens without doing something for Him.  In Matthew 11:28-30 we read,

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke [name of Christ] upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (emphasis added)
 

He has asked us to come to Him.  To learn of Him.  When we do so He will ease our burdens.  He will give us rest.

What an amazing blessing this is.

Because of His willingness to suffer for each of our sins, temptations, sorrows, pains, discomforts, etc, the Savior has a perfect knowledge of what we are feeling.  The burdens that we are carrying because He carried them FOR us.  He has compassion on us in our times of difficulty. 

Elder Flávio A. Cooper said,

"The Savior can respond to our requests for help in several ways, including (a) relieving or lightening our burdens, (b) increasing our strength to carry our burdens, (c) allowing increased burdens to give us needed experience, and (d) not providing immediate help in order to test and strengthen our faith and to teach us."
 

I have personally felt my burdens be made light and even relieved when I have turned to Him in moments of struggle.  I have received strength to carry the burdens that I have been asked to carry. 

In Mosiah we read the story of Limhi and his people.  The lamanites "put heavy burdens on the backs" of the people of Limhi.  They humbled themselves before the Lord and prayed that he might deliver them from their afflictions.  While the Lord didn't deliver them from bondage he did soften the hearts of the Lamanites that their burdens were lightened.

Then later in Mosiah it tells of Alma and his brethern whose burdens were made light.  “The burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15)

I find great peace in this quote by Elder Marion D. Hanks. "Thus the promise is that in times of sorrow and affliction, if we endure and reamin faithful and put our trust in Him and are courageous, the Lord will visit us in our afflictions, strengthen us to carry our burdens and support us in our trials.  He'll be with us to the end of our days, lift us at the last day to greater opportunities for service, and exalt us at last with Him and reunited loved one, and He will consecrate our afflictions to our gain."

Consecrate means--Make or declare sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.

While it may not seem so while we are in the thick of it, the difficulties of life are a blessing.  They "initiate a desire within us to come to the Lord." (quote from The Peacegiver)  Our trials and afflictions are there to help us to humble oursleves and turn to Him.  To become more like Him.  This is the divine purpose of our trials.

'And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree, spirnging up in you unto everlasting life.  And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son.  And even all this can ye do if ye will.  Amen" (Alma 33:23)

Going back to the story of my son, there was no possible way for him to carry all of the cars that he was wanting to without dropping them or without help from me.  Just like him, there is no way that I can even begin to carry all that I have been given on my own.  I am not expected to.  I am asked to have faith, learn of Him, and turn to my Savior. 

He can and will help me to carry my burdens.  But I need to allow Him to.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

He will strengthen me.

 

Lies & Truths

"And thus he wispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance[except through seeking and embracing the Atonement of Jesus Christ]"  (2 Nephi 28:22)

 

As part of my "Thirty in Thirty" my sponsor asked me to make a list of the lies that Satan whispers to me.  Sometimes his lies seem more of a deafening yell than a whisper in my ear. 

Since becoming aware of hubby's addiction I have been in a place, emotionally, where I am especially vulnerable to satan's yells whispers. Some of these lies were reawakened in me from my teen years, some are new and specific to this addiction, and others were lies that I have heard and believed for years--some as long as I can remember. While I was bombarded daily with lies before finding about the addiction, it seemed that satan pulled out all the stops when he saw me struggling emotionally and spiritually after learning of the addiction. And it was so easy to believe those lies.

Upon beginning this assignment I prayed for guidance from the Lord to help me recognize the lies that Satan feeds me on a daily basis.  Despite praying and having the spirit with me when I began my list, I quickly found myself believing those lies again.  It is hard not to when you are being bombarded with them.

I would assume you, too, have heard and know all too well the lies--'I am not good enough', 'I am worthless', 'I am unattractive', 'You caused this', 'You are alone', 'You're a loser', 'You aren't hurting yourself or anyone else', 'You don't deserve to be loved', and on and on and on.   

A half hour of writing my lies down left me in a dark place.  I was feeling the pain of the lies that satan tells me.  I was feeling so down, so worthless.  Tears were shed as I found myself believing these awful lies. 

Colleen Harrison says, ". . .all Satan can do is whisper negaive, discouraging, lie-based thoughts into our mids and hope that we will believe him and act out our beliefs toward ourselves and toward each other." She goes on to say, " . . .there is no end to [his lies]. As soon as you try to respond to one (by believeing and obeying it), a hundred more spring up."

"And he became satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice."

Satan's lies are just that . . . LIES! They are not the truth. His whole purpose is to blind us of who we truly are, Daughters and Sons of the most powerful Being in the universe. We are most precious in the Lord's sight.

If satan can get us to believe the lies he feeds us then he is able to lead us away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He will lead us into captivity.  He desires to destroy each and everyone of us.

We read in Alma 30:42, "Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou are posessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God."

After compiling my list I cried to hubby and started rattling off all the "awful" things about me.  He was compassionate and loving.  He gently told me that I am NOT the lies that I was being told.  That I am a daughter of God.  He said the pain I was feeling could be a  'good' thing...the pain of my re-birth. I needed to feel the awful darkness that comes with these lies so that I can see and feel the beauty of the truths.

Thankfully, there was a second part to my assignment which brought me comfort, peace, and healing.  I was asked to write down the truths next to each lie.  Again, I prayed that Heavenly Father would guide my thoughts and help me know the truths.

In my personal study I came across this scripture and feel it was an answer to my prayer.  "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost."  (Moroni 10:4-emphasis mine)

One by one I was told the truths to each of the lies that satan tells me.  With each truth I felt the heaviness in my heart being lifted.  I felt the Holy Ghost manifesting the truth to me.  That I am a daughter of God.  That He knows me personally.  That I am loved.  That I am not worthless.  I am of infinite worth to Him.  That my Savior loves me.  That I am NOT alone.  That I was created in the image of my Father in Heaven and am beautiful.

"And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.  The Spirit of truth is of God.  I am the Spirit of Truth . . ." (D&C 93:24,26)

I am grateful for this assignment.  For the opportunity I had to recognize the lies that satan whispers to me for what they are . . . LIES!  I am so grateful that the Lord showed unto me the truth.  I know that satan will never give up trying to deceive me and lead me into captivity, but now I can refer back to my list and SEE the truths that the Lord showed unto me.

"For his merciful kindness is great towards us; and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever.  Prasie ye the Lord." (Psalm 117:2)