I am having surgery on Friday, and I am afraid, TERRIFIED! It is a simple procedure, at least that is what I am told, but I am so afraid.
Afraid I will react badly to the anethesia and NOT wake up.
I am afraid of the recovery. I have 4 young children to care for and that is going to be quite difficult as I will be unable to walk on my own.
I am afraid of the pain. Despite delivering 5 of my 7 babies without pain meds, I fear the pain from this surgery.
I am afraid of what this could mean for my spiritual recovery.
I am afraid what it could mean for hubby's recovery. I know, very codependent of me, but it is the truth. Last year he started working on recovery and then I got pregnant. As a result of overwhelming tiredness and sickness we both became apathetic in our study, prayers, etc and he relapsed. I am afraid that will happen again. I know I need to be okay regardless of whether he is doing well or not, but I am struggling with that right now.
I don't feel that I am spending all my time dwelling on these fears, but they are very much present. Because of my fears I find that my recovery right now is stuck. The fears are playing off my insecurities from hubby's addiction and previous insecurities and I am in a downward spiral. I am struggling to stay afloat.
I know that Satan can see that I am struggling and he is taking full advantage of it. I have little engery to fight the barrage of attacks he is sending my way.
In turn, I verbally assaulted hubby last night. Bringing up hurt from the addiction when that isn't the cause of the emotions that I am fighting with. I lashed out at him and what did he do? He hugged me, loved me. Which leaves me feeling like an awful person.
How can I say "I love you" when my actions didn't show that I love him?
How can I say "I'm sorry" when my words and actions said otherwise?
I am unsure of how to act around him or what to say to him. I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I reacted to my fears and taking it out on him. I wish that I could rewind the clock and take it all back, but I can't. The damage has been done.
I am afriad of what could possibly happen to our relationship with the damage that I did.
I am afraid that the extra burdens placed on him during my surgery recovery will lead to him resenting me and create more of a rift in our relationship.
Bottom line....I am AFRAID. Very much AFRAID!
Hi, hopefulwife Y! It will probably be of no help, but I'll give it try anyway. I worked in surgery for 7 years, and have witnessed thousands of surgical procedures. The only death we had was a really old man who had a heart attack before the surgeon even started. And, having been on the receiving end of a minor procedure or two, I am reminded of the old adage, "Every procedure is minor, until it is my own!" So, I know it's scary, and I'll be praying for you. I bet your hubby is worried about you, too, and that he understands that you are stressed and a little hypersensitive right now. Hope the rest of your week goes better!
ReplyDeleteThank you Dan! I appreciate your comment more than you know.
DeleteI'm sorry you are struggling right now. I will keep you in my prayers, especially on Friday.
ReplyDeleteI, too, find so much fear when I look away from the little patch of light illuminated before me and instead look into the darkness and unknown ahead. It makes me think of Peter when he jumped out of the ship in the middle of the sea to walk toward the Savior. He was actually walking on water and looking right into the eyes of Christ. And then, all of the sudden, he looked down into the deep, dark ocean and noticed the waves and started to fear and sink. I hope you are able to find some peace to hold on to.
Much love, MM
Thank you for the reminder of Peter. I need to focus on today and not look into the darkness and unknown. Thank you.
DeletePraying for you friend. I just had surgery in 2011. I was afraid...prayed the whole way there and right up until they knocked me out. You will be okay!
ReplyDelete2 Timothy 1:7 "God hath not given me the Spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Memorize this and when fear creeps it, say it over and over. God will give you peace. He is aware of you and watching over you and your family. Love you!