Goats and fear

We raise fainting goats.  If you don't know what fainting goats are just go to YouTube and search fainting goats.  If you don't have the time or desire to do that, let me just say that when startled the muscles in these goats freeze up and they can't move.  Some even fall over.  It is quite amusing really and a big reason why we have them.  I told Mr. Hopeful years ago that I would love to have fainting goats so I could go out and scare the goats as a way to relieve stress and not take it out on my kids or him.  So he got them for me.  Unfortunately, they are more stress than the relief I had hoped.  But that is beside the point. 

One of the goats in particular freezes up really well and unfortunately for him it is usually when we are throwing him hay to eat.  The hay gets thrown over the fence which scares him and causes his legs to freeze up.  He wants the food but his body is frozen.  Instead of just saying "My body won't let me get what I need so I guess I will just sit here," he, with difficulty, drags himself with his front legs to the food.  He pushes through the fear, the thing that is literally paralyzing him and forces himself to reach for the food. 

So it is for me.  There are things that almost paralyze me with fear.  I can sit there and say "Well, I can't move forward because I am paralyzed so I might as well just stay where I am" or I can push through those fears (and pain) and reach for things that will "feed me", that will help me grow and become better. 

This last month has been spent doing just that.  I was presented with an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone.  WAY out!  I started a home business.  I am having to do things that scare me in a BIG way.  It has been scary.  It has been frustrating.  It has been amazing!   As I begin to push through these fears I am growing.  I am becoming stronger. 

Along with having to face the fears that accompany this business I am facing more fears in regards to my own healing and recovery.  As I uncover and "drag myself" through these fears they are becoming less and less paralyzing.  I can learn from them.  I can grow. 

I am trying to keep this in perspective with Mr. Hopeful as well.  He has fears that are paralyzing to him.  Opening up and being vulnerable is one of those fears.  I am trying to be more patient as he works to face the fear of sharing his feelings, good or bad.  The more he realizes I am a safe place the more he is willing to open up.  The goats know we are not a safe place because we intentionally try to scare them.  I don't want Mr. Hopeful to see me coming and tense up in fear.  I want him to feel confident that I am there to support him, to love him.   

This business opportunity has also given Mr. Hopeful and I a chance to work together on something not recovery related.  To redirect our focus a little bit.  Recovery has not fallen by the wayside, but it isn't our sole focus like it had been in the past.  

If the goats didn't push through the paralyzing fear, they would never eat.  They would end up dying or at the very least would be very skinny, hungry goats.  If I don't push through fears I am faced with I will never have the opportunity to grow and become the person that my Father in Heaven would have me become.  I want to strive daily to become that person...even though it is hard.  Even though it is scary.  Even though it hurts (a LOT sometimes).  Thankfully I am not alone in it.  I have my Savior to carry me and bless me with the grace to be able to do all that is asked of me.