Struggling....

I am struggling today. 

Mr. Hopeful and I had a "discussion" last night that went nowhere and left a wedge between us.  I am left feeling confused, unheard, and as though my feelings don't matter.  That he knows what is best for me, my healing, and the healing of our marriage. 

We had been doing well.  SO well.  We have shared a closeness on so many levels.  A closeness that I am not sure we have had in our almost 16 years of marriage.  I hate feeling a distance now rather than the closeness.  I hate the heaviness I feel in my heart. 

I shared with Mr. Hopeful that I had been triggered at the local parade.  While I had been triggered I was still able to enjoy time with my family and didn't dwell on the triggers or allow other negative thoughts to overrun my mind.  I can't remember if I asked if he had been triggered or if he volunteered the information, but he told me that he had been afraid to go to the parade because he "can't control the situations around him" (how people are dressed or NOT dressed, ads, etc).  This left me feeling even more triggered.  I realize he can't control what is around him. However, he does have control over how he responds.  So why the fear?!? 

His lack of opening up to me, without prompting, about his fears was a HUGE trigger for me.   The last two major disclosures in the past two years have been prompted by ME.  He did not initiate the discussions and I had to pry over days, weeks, months to find out what was really going on.  For months I would ask how he was doing, what was going on and his response was always "I'm good.  Nothing is going on.  Just stressed/bored at work".  Only to find out that daily he was struggling--viewing, fantasizing, objectifying, using, etc. 

I have tried to express on MANY occasions that I need him to share his struggles (temptations, triggers) with me.  Sharing those struggles with me instead of keeping them from me shows me that he is willing to be transparent and honest about where he is at that day in regards to his recovery.  I don't expect him to be perfect.  I know that there are daily temptations and thoughts that come in.  I just don't want to be told "everything is good."  I have heard that before--for 16 years--and it wasn't good.  He doesn't understand how that level of transparency can do anything in helping to rebuild trust.  He doesn't think it can help either of us. 

It hurts so much that he isn't willing to try.  It leaves me feeling that I am not worth it, that WE are not worth it, to him to try.  I have asked him repeatedly to share with me, good and bad, yet he won't.  He thinks he knows best what I need and disregards what I tell him I need.  What I need is raw honesty.  I need him to be real.  Not to share what he thinks I want or need to hear. 

What I want AND need to hear is the truth.  His struggles.  His victories.  Not the things that make it seem that life is rainbows and butterflies.  Because it isn't.  Life is hard.  Life is messy.  There are temptations, triggers, and struggles.  That is life.

How do I reconcile my needs with his fears?  I am unsure of how to move forward.