Life has been overwhelmingly busy the last couple of months. As a result my recovery efforts have seriously fallen by the wayside. I keep telling myself I need to take just 10 minutes to sit down and read from the ARP manual or HTC handbook. Yet it seems as though there is NEVER just 10 minutes to do anything. There is always something else that needs done or somewhere to run.
Things have been going really well for my husband and I. We have had some rough points (my fault), but for the most part things have been good. Real good. We have been reconnecting on a different, much deeper level than we ever have before. We have been HAPPY. It is an amazing feeling. And so scary at the same time. Scary because I know that this happiness can be gone in an instant.
This past week something happened that was extremely triggering for me. The happiness I had been feeling was immediately gone and in it's place was fear, anger, hurt, sadness, and a feeling of worthlessness. I was blindsided by how betrayed and hurt I felt. I feel broken.
How could this particular thing happen if my husband was really in recovery. Surely, something has happened in his recovery to allow this in after so long. It HAD to be something HE had or had not done. Why would this happen otherwise?!?
This latest trigger along with what I see other WoPA's facing right now has rocked my world. I am left questioning my testimony in a loving Father in Heaven and the healing power of the Atonement in my life and the lives of others. I don't understand how a perfect, loving parent could sit back and watch His children suffer at the hands of other's actions.
I am so sorry that you are hurting.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot about this very idea - The way that our agency affects everyone else. The way that everyone elses' agency affects us. Sometimes I also ask, "Why?!?!" And yet, there must be a wise purpose because THIS is what we fought for. THIS is what the war in heaven was all about. THIS is what Satan wanted to take away, but what we fought to keep. Sometimes I think, "THIS is what what fought for?!?!" in disbelief. But I'm trying to come to a place where I can try to accept (even if I don't understand) that we must have known something that we can't quite grasp right now, about just how important this idea of agency, pain and all, really is. *hugs*
I have felt the same way you have. I had soooo many questions "why me?" "Can't you see me suffering?" In October of 1997, Sister Bednar and I hosted Elder and Sister Maxwell at Brigham Young University–Idaho. Elder Maxwell was to speak to the students, staff, and faculty in a devotional assembly. Everyone on the campus eagerly anticipated his visit to the university and earnestly prepared to receive his message.
ReplyDeleteEarlier in that same year, Elder Maxwell underwent 46 days and nights of debilitating chemotherapy for leukemia. Shortly after completing his treatments and being released from the hospital, he spoke briefly in the April general conference of the Church. His rehabilitation and continued therapy progressed positively through the spring and summer months, but Elder Maxwell’s physical strength and stamina were nonetheless limited when he traveled to Rexburg. After greeting Elder and Sister Maxwell at the airport, Susan and I drove them to our home for rest and a light lunch before the devotional.
During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”
His response to my inquiry was a principle with which he had gained extensive personal experience during his chemotherapy. As Elder Maxwell and his wife were driving to the hospital in January of 1997, on the day he was scheduled to begin his first round of treatment, they pulled into the parking lot and paused for a private moment together. Elder Maxwell “breathed a deep sigh and looked at [his wife]. He reached for her hand and said … , ‘I just don’t want to shrink’” (Bruce C. Hafen, A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell [2002], 16).
In his October 1997 general conference message, entitled “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,” Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus” (Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22).
Elder Maxwell’s answer to my question caused me to reflect on the teachings of Elder Orson F. Whitney, who also served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98).
The talk was by Elder Bednar at a CES fireside about not shrinking. Because I have a very loving father to compare to, it helped me to put things in perspective. Even though my husband has an addiction to pornography, my Heavenly Father has not left me alone to bear it. Is it hard for Him to sit by and watch as we as wives sit on our floors
As we sob? I'm positive it is. But because I can imagine him as I would my own father, I know he hasn't left me alone. Through this porn addiction of my husbands, I have come to know my Savior in a very personal way. More growth and necessary personal changes because of this addiction. Now would I ever wish this trial on anyone, absolutely not. But it has brought me to my Savior. The Lord loves us, just as much as he loves our husbands. I know that both the Savior and our Heavenly Father have not left us alone in these addictions. Sorry such a long post. I hope it didn't sound preachy. Very sensitive subject and one I had to gain a testimony of. Hope that talk helps :)
ReplyDeleteLove you :) Sorry you are struggling. I have fallen by the wayside on recovery material as well and lots of triggers lately. Hugs! You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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