The beginning of MY healing

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One of the many great aspects of Mr. Hopeful's recovery is his empathy.  His ability to recognize and understand the pain that I have felt as a result of his addiction.  He feels true remorse for the damage that has come to me, my self image, our marriage, and our family because of this addiction.  The spirit has helped me to know that his sorrow is real.  He feels the pains that have come from his actions--not just to himself but to me as well.

He thanks me often for not giving up on him.  For loving him despite the addiction and his weaknesses.  For forgiving him despite how deeply wounded I am. 

I feel uncomfortable when he sings my praises, when he thanks me.  I feel guilty. 

In the beginning I wasn't sure I loved him.  I definitely didn't feel as though I liked him much.  I couldn't distinguish between the man and the addiction.  I didn't know if I could stick around and support him--or if I even wanted to. 

He had hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could.  I wanted him to feel to feel my pain.   I was victim to his actions and I was happy to stay in "victimland". 

However "fun" it was to live in "victimland" at first, I soon began to realize that it was a dark, painful place to live.  It was void of hope.  Of love.  Of LIGHT.  Part of Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ manual reads, "Initially, we may be victimized by our lived ones' actions, but thereafter it becomes our choice whether or not we will remain a victim.  When we continue to blame others we remain weak and helpless and we lose our opportunity for growth and healing."

After struggling for a couple months I realized I needed to do something.  I could not continue existing as I had been.  I was full of anger.  Full of the pain of betrayal, of lies.  I was full of self pity, yet I was so EMPTY. 

I had a very strong impression that if I could would forgive Mr. Hopeful and see him as the Lord saw him that the darkness, the emptiness that I felt would be replaced with love.  With light.  With hope.  I decided to pray to my Father in Heaven for help.  Help to see Mr. Hopeful as He sees him.  To feel a portion of His love for my husband.  Help to forgive Mr. Hopeful.

The capacity to forgive did not come that day, or even that week, but it did come.  I know it was only through the Lord's grace that I could forgive, but I first had to be willing to forgive Mr. Hopeful. 

Along with the ability to forgive, I was also able to see my husband for WHO he is, a CHILD of GOD.  A man that, like myself, is human and imperfect.   A man that has infinite worth.  A man with divine potential.  A man that Jesus Christ loved so much that He willingly chose to suffer the pains and sorrow that Mr. Hopeful would feel himself, but also the pains that others would feel because of his actions. 

Mr. Hopeful says, "After everything I have put you through and the hurt that I have caused you, no one would blame you for hating me.  Nobody would blame you for talking badly about me.  No one would blame you for leaving me."

While this may be true, I feel there is One who would.  In Matthew chapter 18 it reads,

21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I ^aforgive him? till seven times?

 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until ^aseventy times seven.

it continues,

 32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33 ^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?  

I can't pick and choose who I will or will not forgive.  I am grateful that my Savior had compassion on me and has forgiven me of my past sins.  I know that He will forgive me of future sins as I turn to Him and repent.  He has asked that I do the same for all those that trespass against me, this includes my husband. 

The Savior forgave those that scourged Him, spat on Him, those who betrayed Him.  He forgave those who nailed Him to a cross. 

He forgave ALL.

Who am I to not extend forgiveness to others?

I love this quote by President Utchdorf,

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.  Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other....Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment....WE are not perfect.  The people around us are not perfect.  People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger.  In this mortal life it will always be that way....Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances.  Part of the purpose of mortality is to lean how to let go of such things.  That is the Lord's way....Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common;  They are forgiven.  And they forgive." 

President Faust says, "The Lord requires us 'to forgive all men' for our own good because 'hatred retards spiritual growth.'  . . . Forgiveness. . . is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves."
When I finally became willing to forgive my husband, the bitterness and anger I felt was replaced with love and compassion for my husband.  As I was blessed with the ability to forgive, the road to MY healing began.