If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.
If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.
If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.
If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.
On and on it went.
It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself. Felt that I had worth.
Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated! I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc. I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.
In short, I wasn't enough.
As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ". As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me. This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God.
I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in. I am a child of GOD. I am His daughter. And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH. Infinite worth.
I am NOT what I do or do not do. I am NOT how I look or what others think I am. My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am. I am of WORTH because I AM me.
One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness. I tried to remind him that he is a child of God. I shared with him the man I see. The man that the Lord has allowed me to see. While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself.
I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him. To which he said "No, but I need to". I believe we all need to. It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us. (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)
Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes. Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us. One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,
"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father. If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict. He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction.
The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks. The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God.
My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation. And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth. I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.
YES! YES! YES! You are not a WoPA. You are a Daughter of God. Loved, Adored and Cherished by Him, who happens to be married to an addict. Only he is not an addict, he is a beloved Son of God. Respected, Revered and treasured by Him, who happens to have an addiction.
ReplyDeleteOur worth is not determined by what we do or what we look like, it is determined by WHO WE ARE, and that doesn't change.
LOVE THIS!
I can soooooooo relate and this post is so beautiful. I felt the Spirit so strongly while I read this. We are daughters of God. Our husbands are sons of God. My children are children of God. We have infinite, unalterable worth to the most powerful being in the universe and we are full of so much potential. I hope that I can help my children feel that. I think knowing who we are is SO, SO, SO crucial and affects the choices that we make. I feel like Satan is trying constantly to get us to lose sight of that. It reminds me of Moses 1 when Moses sees God and learns he is a son of God and then a moment later, Satan comes and tries to tell him he is a son of "man."
ReplyDeleteThank you! I am still working on seeing myself and others as God sees us!
ReplyDeleteI love this post:) I can so relate to the locking your child in the car. Except mine was in the house. I went out to get something and the door shut behind me. My son was 6 months old, playing on the floor in my bedroom. I panicked!! Luckily I was able to get back in through a window.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your inspiration and tender mercies. I have had similar experiences with the Spirit whispering that knowledge to me. I love what the member of your group shared about not wanting to be known as an addict, but a child of God with an addiction. Our addictions don't define us...love this!!
The ARP general meetings are so great:)