Triggers, boundaries, and FEAR with a side of trust

This week has been triggering for me in a big way. 

To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different.  It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me.  Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.

The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover.  These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface.  Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood. 

There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use.  The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well.  I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense) 

Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children.  It just didn't sit right.  Does my husband act like a child at times?  Yes.  Do I, also, act like a child a times?  Unfortunately, yes.  This does not mean that I should treat him like a child.  I am not his parent.  I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework. 

The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me.  That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries. 
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave. 
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries. 
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!

It is all so confusing and overwhelming. 

I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries.  I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again.  I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it.  I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.

One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction.  It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.

Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear.  My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was?  Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction?  I have no way to prove if he is or not.  Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that.  He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue. 

What did I do with these fears? 

I didn't obsess.  I didn't accuse my husband of acting out.  I turned to the only ONE I can trust.  I turned to my Father in Heaven.  I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him.  I was enveloped in sense of peace.  The fears and doubts were taken away. 

Later I spoke to my husband.  I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why.   I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries.  He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.

Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery.  I am changing.  The Lord is changing me."  And you know what, I believe him.  I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words.  He IS being changed.  

While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings.  I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit.  That is enough for me. 

It has to be enough.