Journey of Patience

It is said that recovery is a journey, a process, and NOT an end destination.  That every day we need to be diligent in our efforts otherwise we leave ourselves open to the real possibility that we will return to our old, unhealthy behaviors.  I have also heard that recovery is hard work.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives.  At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.

There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit.  I want to go back to "normal".  Whatever that is.  

A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."  

I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days.  I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful.  There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me."  "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you."  "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?"   "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?"  "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"

I have never been a real patient person.  Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7.  The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small.  When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future.  Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly.  For me, it meant NOW.  Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work.  Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down.  But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9. 

If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt.  If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage.  Possibly bringing it to an end.  I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process.  I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey. 

There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries.  Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord.  Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself.  Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful.  Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality. 

This really is a journey.  Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty.  Recovery is truly the journey of life.  I believe it is why we are here on this earth.  Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior.  Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives. 

We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome.  No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own.  It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it.  It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.  

I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into.  He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel".  I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel."  I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program. 

I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change.  I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own.  I can't.  I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself..  Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him.  I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me.  To ease the burdens of my pains.

I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb).  I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise.  I will be blessed beyond measure.