Late night . . .

It's late.  I should be in bed sleeping because morning is going to come so much sooner than I care to admit.  However, as much as I want to sleep, I can't.

I am hurt. 
I am frustrated.
I am overwhelmed.
I feel alone.

Dealing (or trying to deal) with the effects of this addiction, raising my large (very active) family, running my own business, as well as trying to recover from a recent surgery that keeps me from being able to put any weight on one of my legs is proving too much for me.

Yesterday morning while lying in bed with H, I told him that I think I am dealing with some serious depression right now.  I really just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and sleep the day, the week, the month away.  He was kind and gentle.  He held me as I sobbed and shared my feelings for more than an hour.  I felt heard. 

Tonight I talked with him about the possibility of ending my business as I feel it is just too much for me right now.  It is just one more thing for me to do, one more place for me to run.  He was understanding, although I get a feeling that he doesn't really want me to stop because he enjoys the little bit of financial freedom it has given us.  As do I, however is that worth my sanity?  Is it really worth the time away from my family?

Our discussion then lead into some of the hurt and betrayal that I am trying to face as a direct result of his actions while in the addiction.  I very calmly and gently shared some of my fears and needs.  There was NO attacking.  No blaming.  I used "I feel ...." sentences.  It was not received well and was avoided the rest of the night.  I feel as though he tried to pretend it all away again.  This seems to be our pattern--I bring something up such as my pain or anything else that could possibly be uncomfortable for him.  We might talk or argue for while without really talking and resolving it and then he pretends like it never happened. 

I feel like my feelings don't matter.  Like I don't matter.  I feel unsafe. 

I am frustrated that no matter if I am to gently share how I feel without saying "you did this or you did that" or if I come out guns blazing and attack and blame he still shuts down.  His feelings matter more than mine. 

I feel stuck.  I don't know how to move forward in a relationship where my feelings don't matter.  Especially if those feelings make him uncomfortable.  Or make him feel guilty.  Actually I know it isn't guilt, it is SHAME.  And until he acknowledges this he can't move forward either....in recovery or in our relationship.

Let's be honest talking about those feelings is uncomfortable for me too.  I never dreamed masturbation/porn/dishonesty would ever be things I would be talking about.  Yet is it.  That is my reality.  Pretending the feelings away or avoiding them isn't healthy for me or him.  I need to talk about my feelings to heal.  I need to talk about them with him to help heal the loss of trust and to help heal in general.  

I don't know what the next step is for me right now.  Do I go to a counselor?  Do we go as a couple?  How do I/we find the time for that when we barely have a second to breathe as it is?  Do I detach emotionally as I don't feel safe right now?  Although I have no real clue how to detach.  I haven't really refined my boundaries yet, but maybe I need to do that and lay them out in front of him. 

I feel so lost.  So alone.