working a good recovery?

Yesterday a fellow WoPA posed a question to me in response to a question I had asked about going on a cruise with M . . . "Do you feel like he is working a good recovery?" 

Honestly, I don't know.  I wish I did know.  I hope he is.  I just don't know for sure that he is working a good recovery.

After pondering on her question most of the day yesterday and then again this morning more questions came to my mind . . . WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY LOOK LIKE?  WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY FEEL LIKE?

I don't know.  And that leaves me feeling unsettled.  I know that recovery is different for each individual so how do I know if he is working a good recovery? 

Earlier this year I could say with confidence that he was working a good recovery, with emphasis on WORKING.  He was going to 2 meetings a week (we both were), journaling responses from the ARP manual, sharing his recovery with me, visiting with the bishop, etc.  It was obvious and I could see and feel it. 

Now, not so much.  I don't see it at all.  He hasn't been to a meeting for a while.  Although I do need to say that there have definitely been conflicts with kids, my surgery, hunting, etc to keep him/us from going.  He hasn't pulled his journal or his ARP manual out for months.  I don't know if he speaks with his sponsor anymore (although I am not sure what good that did...he told M that he was just able to stop).  Last month he even blamed me for being the reason he isn't doing recovery work.  HUH?!  I am reminded of something that Andrew from Rowboats said...
"Question: What is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery?
Answer: You can’t get the addict to talk about his recovery and you can’t get the addict in recovery to shut up about it."
M doesn't talk about recovery anymore and seems to avoid it or gets defensive when it is brought up.  He doesn't "want the addiction to be a part of him" and so by not talking about it, he can pretend it isn't, I guess.  Talking won't make it not true and avoiding it will only feed it.

His avoidance of talking about my feelings as a result of this addiction or to talk about the addiction at all, his defensiveness when we do talk about my feelings, his attempts to blame me for him not working recovery, his lack of desire to connect emotionally, his unwillingness to admit that he lied for most of our marriage to protect his mistress (his addiction), and other things don't feel like recovery to me.

I do see and feel some changes in him. 

He is trying to be more patient with the kids, he is SO helpful at home (dishes, sweeping, laundry, getting kids to bed, etc), and so much more.  To his credit though, he has always done that to some degree.  He has always been a good dad and a good husband.  He hasn't said an unkind thing to me or treated me badly like I have heard from some other wives.  And for that I am SO grateful.  However, it makes it confusing to me.  How do I know if he is working a good recovery if he is doing the same things as before? 

I still feel like he has a "secret" life.  I have no clue what he is or is NOT doing at work.  I thought he was working, but found out that he spent his days viewing porn.  Unfortunately, I don't know that he isn't doing that now because he doesn't talk about it.  He doesn't talk about any of it. I don't know if he is dealing with the negative emotions he is faced with.  I don't know that he isn't lusting.  I don't know anything when it comes to his recovery.  I just don't know.

I have asked repeatedly for transparency regarding this and he will say "Okay" and then nothing.  No nightly check-in like I have requested.  Nothing.  There are times after me asking several times when he will share some feelings--frustrations with work, kids, church, but not his struggles or anything to do with the addiction or recovery.  He isn't forthcoming about any of it.  And that leaves me feeling unsettled and I guess leaves me with my answer . . . . I personally can't say 'I see and feel that he is working a good recovery'.