My story

I have struggled for quite some time whether or not to start a blog mainly because I read all the other blogs of wifes & addicts and I feel so inadequate.  I am not as good with words as others, I don't remember the things I read very well so recalling a quote or scripture to go along with my topic is hard, and so many other reasons.  However, as I have layed in bed the last couple of mornings I have been impressed to start a blog, even if it is just to journal my path to recovery.  So here goes . . .

 

In October 2011 several things--finding out about a friend's husbands infidelity, a family friend calling my husband asking for help because he (the friend) had a "problem" looking at inappropriate stuff online, and my husband's increasing depression--led up to me finding out that my husband was addicted pornography and masturbation.  I will say that there were two times previous to this when hubby had told me that he had looked at pornography, but I was led to believe they were just "little" slips of judgement.  I was naive and didn't understand, or want to understand, that this was something much BIGGER than just a couple incidents.  The truth slowly and painfully trickled out as I prodded for more understanding.  He wasn't very forthcoming with any of the truth, which hurt more.  I never felt like he was being honest with me. I found out that this had been a problem our ENTIRE marriage. I was heartbroken and felt that our 14 years of marriage had all been a LIE!  I felt empty, broken, worthless, unwanted, unattractive, etc.  I wanted to be wanted like he wanted the women he would look at.  I wanted to be the ONLY woman that he thought about, the only woman that he wanted to be with.  I wanted to be cherished.  I hated that he looked at that smut, that it was more "important" to him than his wife, his kids, his job, our marriage.  I was determined to get it out of his life, out of MY marriage.  So I dove headfirst into fixing him.  I got the LDS ARP manual for him and we began to study it at night together.  We would pray together.  I would remind him to say his prayers.  WE were going to beat this TOGETHER!  He attended several PASG meetings until his business travel got in the way, but things were good!  Then I got pregnant and we all know with that comes consuming tiredness, sickness, and body changes that make a woman, at least make myself, feel less than attractive.  I became consumed with taking care of my children, the baby growing in my belly, and the household chores that our study and prayers fell to the wayside.  I felt like things were going pretty good with us, with HIM, but life was CRAZY with back-to-school, sports, work, a new baby, etc.  It seemed like hubby and I hardly talked about ANYTHING anymore, especially the elephant in the room--his addiciton.  I felt like something was "off" but wasn't sure if it was the baby blues and the constant demands of our large family.  Almost a year after the first D-day, I couldn't take the uneasiness that I felt and blew up at hubby, accusing him of being/acting differently since returning from his most recent business trip.  He left for a hunting trip and nothing more was said.  Almost a week after my outburst we sat down to talk one evening and I finally found the nerve to ask hubby how he was doing in regards to the addiciton.  He said that he had been doing pretty good.  He hadn't viewed anything on his business trips or masturbated since it all came out a year ago.  He admitted that he had seen a movie trailer on youtube and when he realized what it was he turned it off.  We had a good night, but I just couldn't shake the uneasiness that I still felt.  So the next day I got onto youtube to look up the movie trailer he had mentioned.  I quickly realized that he HAD to know exactly what the trailer was about based just off the small photo.   I called him at work and accused him, he quickly tried to backpedal as he realized he had been found out.  I hung up and wouldn't answer his calls.  I was SO hurt.  The pain almost seemed worse this time around.  I was already struggling terribly with my body image as I had just recently had a baby and was feeling jiggly and overweight.  The pain of finding out that he was back to looking at stuff was crushing, I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  He ended up coming home and I threw accusations at him left and right as he denied them all.  Eventually hubby admitted that he had started looking at youtube videos out of boredom and were benign--how-to videos, car crashes, etc.  However, as he let his guard down it became easy for him to slip into old ways.  Hubby said he was ready to have it out of his life, but didn't really make big changes to support that.    I would have good days and then I would have some REALLY bad days.  While he was on yet another business trip I became so upset at him.  Here I was at home dealing with OUR kids, maintaining OUR home, missing HIM all the while I was sure that he was indulging himself in his addiction (he wasn't).  When he returned home things weren't good and I lashed out with all the hurt, anger, disappointment that I had been feeling about him, the addiction, ALL. OF. IT.  I told him of a boundary that I had set while he was away--I will NOT live with someone that is NOT in recovery.  I simply could NOT deal with the emotional distress that comes when he is in his addiction.  So I left in a fury!  I ended up coming home for fear that he might do something drastic, but we both ended up sleeping in seperate rooms.  He went to work the next day, but ended up coming home after I wouldn't return any of his calls.  There was no way that I could talk to him.  I was so broken, so angry, so disgusted, and on and on.  He ended up visiting with the bishop that day.  Eventually we ended up talking and made a decision that we wanted to work through our individual problems, each working our own recovery.  I am happy to say that he has been doing amazing!  I know that it is only through the Lord that hubby has been doing so well.  I have had good days with some bad days mixed in here and there.  Thanksgiving was a turning point for us.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue in the relationship as the pain was too much for me.  I couldn't go to a store, the kids' school, ANYWHERE without seeing a woman that was better looking, skinnier, etc than I was.  I was sure that everywhere we went he was fantasizing about all the other women.  I told hubby that I wasn't going with him to his parents for Thanksgiving, I was D.O.N.E. and wasn't going to pretend that everything was honky dory with us.  I can't say what made me change my mind other than I am sure that it was the Lord softening my heart of ice.  I ended up going to Thanksgiving and it was great!  I felt the spirit of the Lord giving me hope and peace as I opened my heart to HIM.  I was taught some things about myself through the spirit as was hubby.  We came home knowing that our Father in Heaven is aware of each of us, individually and as a couple.  He is there to help us on our journeys of recovery and healing.  We began attending LDS PASG meetings (seperately) and an LDS ARP recovery meeting (together).  And that my friends is what has brought me to this point . . . sorry for the long-winded story.  I look forward to sharing my journey of healing and recovery.