Control = Chaos

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There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb.  They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them.  I have to admit that it has grown on me.  I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots. 

 

The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day.  Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more.  Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics.  Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb.  Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".

 

The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son.  I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane". 

The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy.  She is driving herself crazy."  Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.

As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace.  I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction.  I have checked his email.  Looked at his text messages.  Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.

I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life.  A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me.  Co-dependent?  I think so.

What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction? 

I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back!  That he would quit doing things that hurt ME.  That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself. 

All of my efforts to control him were futile.  I couldn't make him stop.  I couldn't make him even WANT to stop.  He had to do this for himself.  He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop.  No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.

Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy.  I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem.  My life had become unmanageable.

In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions.  Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction.  If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?! 

As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind.  Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement!  He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.  It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night.  He is exhausting to say the least.  The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel.  I am powerless over him, a 2-year old.  I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.

The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices.  He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him.  Control is NOT how the Lord opperates. 

Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control.  His plan was to not give us our agency.  To essentially control our salvation.  When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary.  Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.

In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others).  I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan.  I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice.  I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.

Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days.  She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control. 

I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have.  I want to have peace, not chaos!  I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband. 

In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,

"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)

I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me.  I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.

Control is not the Lord's way.  I may be powerless, but I am not helpless.  If I will turn to him in humility He will help me.  He will guide me.  He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life."  And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me.  I find great peace in these truths. 

I will be like Candace no more.