Roaring lion

In my previous post I mentioned that I allowed myself to "look back" last weekend.  Last Saturday I felt "off", I couldn't really explain why other than I just felt "off".  That should have been a red flag for me, as I have found that days like that are some of my hardest days.  Hubby and I ran to some stores and I was triggered A. LOT.  Sometimes I am able, with the Lord's help, to deal with the triggers.  That day I was not, in which I attribute a goodportion of that to my unwillingness to turn it over to the Lord.  The triggers left me feeling unattractive, worthless.  The feelings festered until I shared with hubby how I was feeling. 

That wasn't the end though, I wish it had been.  The next day, Sunday, the negative feelings persisted.  I failed to say my prayers because . . . I don't know why actually, other than I felt angry at the Lord.  Angry that he had let me marry a man that He knew was a porn addict.  Surely the Lord knew what pain and anguish would come to ME because of my husband's addiction.  Why would He give me confirmation that marrying my husband was good?  Why?   I went through the day bitter, angry, hurt, and isolated.  I knew that I was in Satan's grasp, but couldn't pull myself out and to be quite honest I felt justified in feeling the way I felt.  That night I layed in front of the fire and wrote a list of the many things I hate about myself--mostly physcial things that I feel make me unattractive and not of any worth.  If I am being honest, I was so down on myself, that I had thoughts of harming myself although those were short lived.  I felt that my Father in Heaven hadn't cared enough to save me from this pain, my husband obviously didn't care about me or want me otherwise he wouldn't have done what he has done, and on and on.  Yes, I was having a pity ME party, but I was the only one invited.

Monday morning started out the same--bitter, angry, and worthless feelings were eating me up.  I was definitely exhibiting some serious co-dependent behaviors (blaming, manipulating, etc).  I fianlly offered up a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to soften my heart.  I started to feel guilty for my ridiculous, childish behavior and went in while hubby was sleeping (he was home sick) and whispered "I love you."  I took the opportunity to apologize, only to turn around and start blaming again.  It was stupid!  Why couldn't I just let it go?  Why did I need to keep punishing him?  It was almost as if I was getting pleasure out of seeing him hurt, seeing him suffer for the pain that HE has caused me.  Why was I doing this and making him feel so terribly when I have already forgiven him?

Thankfully, through no power of my own, I was able to admit that I was horribly wrong.  I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I had allowed myself to give into satan, especially after having felt so much peace, comfort, forgiveness, and healing.  I invited the adversary to pull me into a dark place, a place that I don't want to venture to again.  I like what it says in 1 Peter 5:8

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (empahsis added)
 

He really is waiting for a weak moment when he can come in and "devour" me.  I need to be vigilant and turn to the Lord always otherwise he will destroy me. 

"Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you."  1 Peter 5:7 (empahsis added)
 

What peace this verse brings me.  I can cast my fears, my thoughts, my pain, everything upon Him becasue He cares for ME!  What a blessing this understanding is to me.  I know that I am NOT alone and that even if no one else does, He will always care for ME!