Yesterday I made a scary step in my recovery. I made a call to a sponsor, a woman I have never met. I have had her phone number for a few weeks and have been unable to muster up the nerve to call.
What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?
I was really struggling Thursday. I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise. I was feeling very down on myself. I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously. I was awful. I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain. It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.
After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction. I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues. I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave. Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever. It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.
This was a HUGE wake up call for me. I don't want to go on like this. I can't go on like this. Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING. I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary.
I need help. Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart. I need to address my own addicitions. My own character flaws. I need the peace that only my Savior can give me.
I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor. Of working a "Thirty in Thirty". I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation.
I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it. I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.
I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery!
Cheering you on, lady! It's good that you called when you chose it, too, when the timing felt right, when you were feeling and knowing it was time. When you seek Him, you will find Him, and He works with you right where you are. Really, all you have to do is be willing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited for you. You are brave and strong and good and God will guide you every step along the way. He IS guiding you.
And I think you will find that the word 'scary' can, line upon line, give way to the word 'sweet.' Finding God and His love and power and mercy is ultimately a sweet, sweet process.