Control = Chaos

credit

 

There is a favorite show among my children, Phineas and Ferb.  They watch it on Netflix as often as we will let them.  I have to admit that it has grown on me.  I like the fact that the kids are imaginative, kind to one another, it is free from inuendo, and the parents aren't made to look like idiots. 

 

The show follows Phineas and Ferb (step-brothers) during summer break as they come up with things to do each day.  Each day is a grand new project, like building a roller coaster, building a rocket, climbing up the Eiffel Tower, and more.  Their controlling sister, Candace, spends her days trying to get their mom to see their antics.  Her goal is to "bust" Phineas and Ferb.  Unfortunately, for Candace, something always happens to erase all evidence of their project for the day, keeping their mom from seeing the "proof".

 

The other night as I sat nursing my baby, hubby and I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb with our 14-year old son.  I was singing listening to the words of the theme song and a line stood out to me . . ."Or driving your sister insane". 

The thought came to me, "Phineas and Ferb aren't driving her crazy.  She is driving herself crazy."  Because of Candace's efforts to control her brothers and "bust" them, she makes HER life unmanageable.

As I begin (again--with my sponsor) Step 1 in the new Healing Through Christ workbook, I realize that I have been like Candace.  I have tried to "bust" hubby in his addiction.  I have checked his email.  Looked at his text messages.  Called him at work and said "Whatcha doin'?" (a line from the show) in an effort to check up on him.

I have allowed myself to slip back into dangerous eating, or shall I say not eating, patterns in order to gain some sense of control in my life.  A part of me also hoped that maybe he would notice that I wasn't eating, and would possibly recognize how deeply he hurt me.  Co-dependent?  I think so.

What was I hoping for if I did, in fact, "bust" hubby in his addiction? 

I was hoping that he would STOP and NEVER look back!  That he would quit doing things that hurt ME.  That he would understand the damage he was doing to his family, his marriage, to me, to himself. 

All of my efforts to control him were futile.  I couldn't make him stop.  I couldn't make him even WANT to stop.  He had to do this for himself.  He, himself, had to be willing to seek the help he needed to stop.  No amount of attempts to "bust" him could do that.

Like Candace's efforts in getting her mom to see Phineas and Ferb's shenanigans drive her crazy.  I drive myself crazy trying to get hubby to "see" his problem.  My life had become unmanageable.

In Step 1 we admit our powerlessness over our spouse's addictions.  Step 1 in the ARP manual, the addict admits their powerlessness over their addiction.  If my own husband is powerless over HIS addiction, what would make me think I could have any power over it?!?! 

As I read over Step 1, my 2-year old son came to mind.  Saying he is a hanful is a gross understatement!  He is into everything, onto E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.  It starts from the time he gets up in the morning (6:30 am) until he goes to sleep at night.  He is exhausting to say the least.  The more I try to stay on top of his antics, the more out of control I feel.  I am powerless over him, a 2-year old.  I can't control him any more than I can control my other children, or my husband.

The Lord doesn't try to control me or my choices.  He doesn't try to control my hubby even when he knows he is making choices that will hurt him, even kill him.  Control is NOT how the Lord opperates. 

Satan, on the other hand, relishes in control.  His plan was to not give us our agency.  To essentially control our salvation.  When I try to control my husband or his addiction I am exercising a power of the adversary.  Trying to control my husband gives Satan control over ME.

In order for me to find peace and serenity in my life I need to recognize those times when I am trying to "bust" or control my husband (and others).  I need to remember that the Lord has given every one of us our agency to choose Him or Satan.  I can't keep hubby or anyone else from making a wrong choice.  I need to allow them to make their choices and deal with the consequences that follow, no matter how hard it may be to watch them suffer.

Candace is so consumed with trying to control her brothers that she wastes her days.  She essentially throws her summer break out the window in an effort to control the situation. She damages relationships with her friends, and drives herself and others insane because of the complusion to control. 

I don't want to be like Candace, I refuse to miss out on my life and the happiness that I can have.  I want to have peace, not chaos!  I want to work on repairing my marriage, not doing more damage by trying to exercise control over my husband. 

In Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 it reads,

"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man." (emphasis mine)

I don't want to give the Lord any reason to grieve or to withdraw himself from me.  I don't want to invite the spirit of the adversary into my heart, my home, or my marriage.

Control is not the Lord's way.  I may be powerless, but I am not helpless.  If I will turn to him in humility He will help me.  He will guide me.  He will "give me the power to focus on what I can change in my own life."  And He is the one who has the power to help hubby overcome HIS addiction, not me.  I find great peace in these truths. 

I will be like Candace no more.


Big step

Yesterday I made a scary step in my recovery.  I made a call to a sponsor, a woman I have never met.  I have had her phone number for a few weeks and have been unable to muster up the nerve to call. 

What made me finally call after looking at her number every day for several weeks?

I was really struggling Thursday.  I was feeling forgotten by the Lord, despite knowing in my heart otherwise.  I was feeling very down on myself.  I then turned those negative feelings on my husband, attacking him mercilously.  I was awful.  I wasn't feeling down because of his addiction or the ensuing sorrow and pain.  It had nothing to do with HIM, yet I turned it on him.

After much reflection today, I realized that I am dealing with my own issues that have been impacted by hubby's addiction, but were not caused by the addiction.  I brought them with me into our marriage, just as he brought his issues.  I was feeling so down on myself that I thought for some twisted reason I might feel better if I made him hurt. If I hurt him deep enough maybe he would choose to leave.  Making it so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty for holding him back or whatever.  It sounds absurd and crazy when I read it now, but that was my thinking in that moment.

This was a HUGE wake up call for me.  I don't want to go on like this.  I can't go on like this.  Doing well, and then attacking him out of the blue for NOTHING.  I am seeing more and more how co-dependent I truly am and it is scary. 

I need help.  Yes, I need to heal from the pain, but more than that I need to experience a change of heart.  I need to address my own addicitions.  My own character flaws.  I need the peace that only my Savior can give me. 

I am excited for the possiblities that can potentially come from this opportunity of working with a sponsor.  Of working a "Thirty in Thirty".  I look forward to potential for growth as I work on my recovery, my new spiritual foundation. 

I am grateful for the 12-step program and the changes that have already come from working it.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I have to turn my Savior and truly come to KNOW Him, not just know of Him.

I know that as scary as it might have been to give the sponsor a call, that I will be blessed for making this step in my recovery! 

Tender Mercies

Credit

 

 

It seems as though the Lord is pouring out blessings every where I turn.  Or it could be that I am currently in a place, spiritually speaking, that I am able to see and recognize His abundant blessings.  I am humbled as I realize many tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with as of late. 

 

In the LDS ARP manual under Step 2 it reads, "You will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover." (empahsis added) 

 

To be honest, I am not really sure I could have told you what a tender mercy was before I began this journey of recovery.  It was a phrase I had heard and had used, but I didn't KNOW what it meant for me personally.  I didn't understand WHAT a tender mercy was. 

 

David A. Bednar says, " . . . the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.  Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men'. (D&C 46:15)." (empahsis added)

 

He goes on to say, " . . . as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord." 

 

As I face the challenge of moving forward from the pain and despair that I have felt in the wake of huby's addiction and the reality of my own addictions, I truly have been blessed with the "gift of faith".  Faith in knowing that He is there for me, to carry me.  That He loves me.  Faith in knowing that He can heal me.  Faith that He can change my heart if I am willing to turn myself, character flaws and all, over to Him.  Faith that He hears my prayers and will answer them.

 

Sunday night my family and I were driving home from a quick visit to my parent's house two hours away.  It was late, I was tired, and my two youngest children were crying.  And not just crying, they were S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G.  We were getting low on gas, but I felt that I shouldn't stop to fill up becasuse it was the sabbath.  I did think to myself that if I stopped to fill up I might be able to console the little ones enough that the final half hour of the trip would be void of crying.  However, I chose not to stop for gas.  The crying became worse and was really starting to grate on me and I could feel myself sinking into a dark place.  I silently said a prayer to my Father in Heaven asking him to give me the strength to deal with the crying and that we might be able to make it home with enough gas for me to pick up my kindergartener the next morning.  While the crying did NOT stop, in fact, it got WORSE the Lord blessed me with the strength and ability to handle the crying.  I immediately felt my spirits lift and I was pulled out of the dark place I had been.  We made it home with enough gas to make it the following morning to pick up my son and get to town to fill up.  This answer to my prayer was a tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven.

 

Elder Bednar continues, "The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.  Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure thes important blessings." (empahsis added)

 

I have to come to see that the more I turn my will over to the Lord, the more readily he blesses me.  I am inviting "His tender mercies as I use my agency to choose God."  What a wonderful concept.  The more I choose to be faithful and obedient, the more willing He will be to bless me.  And the more my eyes are opened to those blessings. 

 

Monday night hubby and I were blessed to experience an amazing, humbling tender mercy from the Lord.  I had been feeling bombarded by whisperings from the adversary and was struggling greatly.  I was a sobbing, tear-streaked mess.  Hubby asked me if I would like a blessing.  Why didn't I think of that?  Anyway...hubby then proceeded to give me one of the most powerful blessings I have had or witnessed, next to my own patriarchal blessing.  The spirit was SO wonderfully strong.  I truly felt that He knows who I am and He is there with me fighting this battle with me. That He loves me. 

 

I am grateful for a husband who was inspired to ask if I wanted a blessing.  That he has been living a life of "obedience and humility" and was able, through the Priesthood, to give me a blessing of strength.   I am grateful that I, too, have been living a life of faith and obedience and was able to receive such a beautiful tender mercy from a loving Father in Heaven. 

 

My heart is full for the abundant blessings that the Lord has poured out upon me.  For the miracles that the Lord is working in my husband, myself, our marriage, and our family.  I know that He wants us to heal and to be changed.  He is blessing us in those efforts.  

 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies.  The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.  When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attmept to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaulation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)." (emphasis mine)

 

May we all be able to recognize the tender mercies of the Lord, that we may remember we are  NOT alone as the adversary would have us believe.  That the tender mercies truly can "fortify and protect us" in our trials.  He truly can make us "mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 

Check out this mp3...

The Tender Mercies of the Lord 

I will not FEAR

Hubby just left for a quick business trip out of state.  I am looking at this as test to see where I am truly at in my recovery.  In the past, business trips have been a real time of struggle for him.   It was one of the times that he would act on his addiction. 

It has also been a point of fear for me because I knew that he would indulge in his addiction.  My days while he was gone were full of "what ifs"--What IF he looks at pornography?  What IF  he lusts after every woman at the airport, in the resturants, and fantasizes about them?  What IF he is meeting another woman? (he never has)  What IF, What IF . . . ?? 

I would drive myself crazy thinking about all the 'what ifs', things that I couldn't control.  Instead those 'what ifs' controlled ME the entire time he was gone.  I felt like a walking shell of myself, unable to care properly for my family in his absence.  I was out of control.  My FEAR was in control!

Not this time.  Thanks go to Sparrow for sharing a scripture with me that has brought me much comfort as this trip approached.  It is great and will be my mantra for the next couple of days.

 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7
 

I know that the feelings of fear are NOT from the Lord.  That He can and will bless me with His grace to make it through the next couple days.  I know that He can bless me with a sound mind.  With the ability to keep the negative emotions from controling my mind.  My life. 

It says in "Healing Through Christ" under the promise of Step One,

"This Step takes us to a safe place. [We can] let ourselves go there, as often as we need to.  We can trade in lives based on fear, control, and shame for lives that are manageable."
 

I choose to go to that "safe place".  A place where I don't have to FEAR.  A place where I know I can turn to the Lord for His power.  His comfort.  His love.  I am turning myself (and hubby) over to the Lord.  I know that I can trust Him. 

Happiness

Credit:  Facebook

"Until we can learn to let go of what we cannot control, we will not be able to find peace in our own lives." ('Healing Through Christ' manual)

The more I work on my own recovery and let go of the things that I can't change about hubby or his addiction, I have begun to find HAPPINESS and PEACE.  And it is beautiful!  I am grateful for the 12-Step Program and the opportunity that I have to really look at myself and work on changing those things that I CAN change, and "let go of the things that I can't change".  I know that the Lord is there to help me change those things in myself (& hubby) that I can't change on my own.  Turning mymyself, as well as my husband, over to the Lord has been SO incredibly freeing and wonderful! 

Like a Child

As I was laying in bed feeding my baby the other morning the thought came to me, "she has to depend on you for EVERYTHING, she can do nothing for herself." As I pondered on that statement several scriptures came to mind . . .

" . . . Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kindgdom of heaven. Whosoever therfore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3-4

" . . . be not children in understanding; howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men." 1 Corinthians 14:20

" . . . and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19

What qualities do my my baby and young children posses that I might not? What can I learn from my young infant, from my young children that might help me as I work on my own sprititual growth?

"These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts. They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit. They exemplify humility, obedience, and love. They are often the first to love and the first to forgive." Jean A. Stevens, 2011 April General Conference

I have always found it interesting when I get after one of my young children that they immediately turn to me for a hug. They have already forgiven me for being upset with them. How I wish that I would forgive as easily as children do.

In the LDS ARP manual part of Step 1 asks "How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when to compared to his or her parents?" This takes me back to the thought I had while feeding my little girl. While she is small compared to me, her mother, she is a daughter of God, a child "of the most High" and therefore has infinite worth. We read in Doctorine & Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” We are all little children, children of our Father in Heaven. Sometimes it is too easy for me to forget that I am a daughter of God and that my "worth is great in His sight".

I need to remember to become more like a child when it comes to forgiving others. More believing and "receptive to feelings of the Spirit". I need to become more willing to love, more obedient. I need to be more humble and willing to submit to my Father in Heaven.

Roaring lion

In my previous post I mentioned that I allowed myself to "look back" last weekend.  Last Saturday I felt "off", I couldn't really explain why other than I just felt "off".  That should have been a red flag for me, as I have found that days like that are some of my hardest days.  Hubby and I ran to some stores and I was triggered A. LOT.  Sometimes I am able, with the Lord's help, to deal with the triggers.  That day I was not, in which I attribute a goodportion of that to my unwillingness to turn it over to the Lord.  The triggers left me feeling unattractive, worthless.  The feelings festered until I shared with hubby how I was feeling. 

That wasn't the end though, I wish it had been.  The next day, Sunday, the negative feelings persisted.  I failed to say my prayers because . . . I don't know why actually, other than I felt angry at the Lord.  Angry that he had let me marry a man that He knew was a porn addict.  Surely the Lord knew what pain and anguish would come to ME because of my husband's addiction.  Why would He give me confirmation that marrying my husband was good?  Why?   I went through the day bitter, angry, hurt, and isolated.  I knew that I was in Satan's grasp, but couldn't pull myself out and to be quite honest I felt justified in feeling the way I felt.  That night I layed in front of the fire and wrote a list of the many things I hate about myself--mostly physcial things that I feel make me unattractive and not of any worth.  If I am being honest, I was so down on myself, that I had thoughts of harming myself although those were short lived.  I felt that my Father in Heaven hadn't cared enough to save me from this pain, my husband obviously didn't care about me or want me otherwise he wouldn't have done what he has done, and on and on.  Yes, I was having a pity ME party, but I was the only one invited.

Monday morning started out the same--bitter, angry, and worthless feelings were eating me up.  I was definitely exhibiting some serious co-dependent behaviors (blaming, manipulating, etc).  I fianlly offered up a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking Him to soften my heart.  I started to feel guilty for my ridiculous, childish behavior and went in while hubby was sleeping (he was home sick) and whispered "I love you."  I took the opportunity to apologize, only to turn around and start blaming again.  It was stupid!  Why couldn't I just let it go?  Why did I need to keep punishing him?  It was almost as if I was getting pleasure out of seeing him hurt, seeing him suffer for the pain that HE has caused me.  Why was I doing this and making him feel so terribly when I have already forgiven him?

Thankfully, through no power of my own, I was able to admit that I was horribly wrong.  I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I had allowed myself to give into satan, especially after having felt so much peace, comfort, forgiveness, and healing.  I invited the adversary to pull me into a dark place, a place that I don't want to venture to again.  I like what it says in 1 Peter 5:8

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (empahsis added)
 

He really is waiting for a weak moment when he can come in and "devour" me.  I need to be vigilant and turn to the Lord always otherwise he will destroy me. 

"Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you."  1 Peter 5:7 (empahsis added)
 

What peace this verse brings me.  I can cast my fears, my thoughts, my pain, everything upon Him becasue He cares for ME!  What a blessing this understanding is to me.  I know that I am NOT alone and that even if no one else does, He will always care for ME!

Shoulder tap

I was quickly checking Facebook the other day and came across a quote that resonated with me, especially since this past weekend I did the opposite of what it says; but that is another post for another day. 

Just because the past taps you on the shoulders, doesn't mean you have to look back.
 

Most days I do pretty well staying in the present, focusing on today, and not allowing "yesterday to hold today or tomorrow hostage".  However, there are days when I can feel the past tapping me on the shoulder, when I can feel Satan trying to get me to feel the awful hurt and worthlessness that I felt.  I have found that I can turn to the Lord and honestly tell him that I am struggling with those feelings and to please bless me with His grace in handling these feelings.  I can't expect Him to take it every time I ALLOW those feelings to take over my mind, my heart, my day.  I need to make every conscious effort to keep from allowing myself to "look back" and allow those thoughts and feelings in.  By letting the thoughts in I am not allowing the Lord to bless me with His grace, with His strength and peace.

Not Forgotten

Shortly after hubby's most recent disclosure I was reading the conference addresses and this particular talk, "The Lord Has Not Forgotten You" by Linda S. Reeves brought much hope and peace to my aching heart. 

 

She shares one of her favorite stories from the Savior's life . . .the story of Lazarus.  Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus very much.  He was told that Lazarus was sick, but didn't he did not go right away  to Lazarus.  Instead He said,

“this sickness is … for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.”

Lazarus died and after two days Jesus went to Mary and Martha.  Mary was so overcome with sorrow that she threw herself at the Savior's feet and wept. 

 We are told that “when Jesus therefore saw [Mary] weeping, … he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,” 

The Savior asked where they had laid Lazarus  

Then we read some of the most compassionate, loving words in scripture: “Jesus wept.”.

 Apostle James E. Talmage wrote, “The sight of the two women so overcome by grief … caused Jesus to sorrow [with them] so that He groaned in spirit and was deeply troubled.” This experience testifies of the compassion, empathy, and love that our Savior and our Heavenly Father feel for each of us every time we are weighed down by the anguish, sin, adversity, and pains of life.

 Dear sisters, our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, know us and love us. They know when we are in pain or suffering in any way. They do not say, “It’s OK that you’re in pain right now because soon everything is going to be all right. You will be healed, or your husband will find a job, or your wandering child will come back.” They feel the depth of our suffering, and we can feel of Their love and compassion in our suffering.
 

She then shared Alma 7:11-12:

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him … their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know … how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” (empahsis added)

 

In the wake of hubby's disclosure I had felt forgotten.  How could Heavenly Father let this happen to me?  Why didn't He give me some warning or sign that something was wrong in my marriage, that my husband was hurting so much inside that he had no regard for me, for our family.  I felt so low and forgotten that unfortunately I didn't think to pray.  However, my Father in Heaven offered me a tender mercy by leading me to this article to le me know that He hadn't forgotten me, that he was very aware of me and my struggles.

 

Looking back, I now see that I had to hit a "rock bottom" of my own in order for me to turn to my Father in Heaven and my Savior.  This talk helped me to see that despite what my husband does or does not do, that my Savior is there to give me hope, peace, healing, love, and forgiveness.  I just need to turn to HIM and turn my will over to Him.

He has not forgotten you! Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He knows and understands those very moments. He loves you! And He will carry you through those moments, just as He did Mary and Martha. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell Him about your pain and afflictions and then give them to Him. Search the scriptures daily. There you will also find great solace and help. (empahsis added)

This talk brought me so much hope and peace at a time when I didn't think I would ever be able to be happy again that I decided that this would be the title of my recovery blog.  It server as a constant reminder that He hasn't forgotten me, that He loves me, that He understands.

My story

I have struggled for quite some time whether or not to start a blog mainly because I read all the other blogs of wifes & addicts and I feel so inadequate.  I am not as good with words as others, I don't remember the things I read very well so recalling a quote or scripture to go along with my topic is hard, and so many other reasons.  However, as I have layed in bed the last couple of mornings I have been impressed to start a blog, even if it is just to journal my path to recovery.  So here goes . . .

 

In October 2011 several things--finding out about a friend's husbands infidelity, a family friend calling my husband asking for help because he (the friend) had a "problem" looking at inappropriate stuff online, and my husband's increasing depression--led up to me finding out that my husband was addicted pornography and masturbation.  I will say that there were two times previous to this when hubby had told me that he had looked at pornography, but I was led to believe they were just "little" slips of judgement.  I was naive and didn't understand, or want to understand, that this was something much BIGGER than just a couple incidents.  The truth slowly and painfully trickled out as I prodded for more understanding.  He wasn't very forthcoming with any of the truth, which hurt more.  I never felt like he was being honest with me. I found out that this had been a problem our ENTIRE marriage. I was heartbroken and felt that our 14 years of marriage had all been a LIE!  I felt empty, broken, worthless, unwanted, unattractive, etc.  I wanted to be wanted like he wanted the women he would look at.  I wanted to be the ONLY woman that he thought about, the only woman that he wanted to be with.  I wanted to be cherished.  I hated that he looked at that smut, that it was more "important" to him than his wife, his kids, his job, our marriage.  I was determined to get it out of his life, out of MY marriage.  So I dove headfirst into fixing him.  I got the LDS ARP manual for him and we began to study it at night together.  We would pray together.  I would remind him to say his prayers.  WE were going to beat this TOGETHER!  He attended several PASG meetings until his business travel got in the way, but things were good!  Then I got pregnant and we all know with that comes consuming tiredness, sickness, and body changes that make a woman, at least make myself, feel less than attractive.  I became consumed with taking care of my children, the baby growing in my belly, and the household chores that our study and prayers fell to the wayside.  I felt like things were going pretty good with us, with HIM, but life was CRAZY with back-to-school, sports, work, a new baby, etc.  It seemed like hubby and I hardly talked about ANYTHING anymore, especially the elephant in the room--his addiciton.  I felt like something was "off" but wasn't sure if it was the baby blues and the constant demands of our large family.  Almost a year after the first D-day, I couldn't take the uneasiness that I felt and blew up at hubby, accusing him of being/acting differently since returning from his most recent business trip.  He left for a hunting trip and nothing more was said.  Almost a week after my outburst we sat down to talk one evening and I finally found the nerve to ask hubby how he was doing in regards to the addiciton.  He said that he had been doing pretty good.  He hadn't viewed anything on his business trips or masturbated since it all came out a year ago.  He admitted that he had seen a movie trailer on youtube and when he realized what it was he turned it off.  We had a good night, but I just couldn't shake the uneasiness that I still felt.  So the next day I got onto youtube to look up the movie trailer he had mentioned.  I quickly realized that he HAD to know exactly what the trailer was about based just off the small photo.   I called him at work and accused him, he quickly tried to backpedal as he realized he had been found out.  I hung up and wouldn't answer his calls.  I was SO hurt.  The pain almost seemed worse this time around.  I was already struggling terribly with my body image as I had just recently had a baby and was feeling jiggly and overweight.  The pain of finding out that he was back to looking at stuff was crushing, I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  He ended up coming home and I threw accusations at him left and right as he denied them all.  Eventually hubby admitted that he had started looking at youtube videos out of boredom and were benign--how-to videos, car crashes, etc.  However, as he let his guard down it became easy for him to slip into old ways.  Hubby said he was ready to have it out of his life, but didn't really make big changes to support that.    I would have good days and then I would have some REALLY bad days.  While he was on yet another business trip I became so upset at him.  Here I was at home dealing with OUR kids, maintaining OUR home, missing HIM all the while I was sure that he was indulging himself in his addiction (he wasn't).  When he returned home things weren't good and I lashed out with all the hurt, anger, disappointment that I had been feeling about him, the addiction, ALL. OF. IT.  I told him of a boundary that I had set while he was away--I will NOT live with someone that is NOT in recovery.  I simply could NOT deal with the emotional distress that comes when he is in his addiction.  So I left in a fury!  I ended up coming home for fear that he might do something drastic, but we both ended up sleeping in seperate rooms.  He went to work the next day, but ended up coming home after I wouldn't return any of his calls.  There was no way that I could talk to him.  I was so broken, so angry, so disgusted, and on and on.  He ended up visiting with the bishop that day.  Eventually we ended up talking and made a decision that we wanted to work through our individual problems, each working our own recovery.  I am happy to say that he has been doing amazing!  I know that it is only through the Lord that hubby has been doing so well.  I have had good days with some bad days mixed in here and there.  Thanksgiving was a turning point for us.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue in the relationship as the pain was too much for me.  I couldn't go to a store, the kids' school, ANYWHERE without seeing a woman that was better looking, skinnier, etc than I was.  I was sure that everywhere we went he was fantasizing about all the other women.  I told hubby that I wasn't going with him to his parents for Thanksgiving, I was D.O.N.E. and wasn't going to pretend that everything was honky dory with us.  I can't say what made me change my mind other than I am sure that it was the Lord softening my heart of ice.  I ended up going to Thanksgiving and it was great!  I felt the spirit of the Lord giving me hope and peace as I opened my heart to HIM.  I was taught some things about myself through the spirit as was hubby.  We came home knowing that our Father in Heaven is aware of each of us, individually and as a couple.  He is there to help us on our journeys of recovery and healing.  We began attending LDS PASG meetings (seperately) and an LDS ARP recovery meeting (together).  And that my friends is what has brought me to this point . . . sorry for the long-winded story.  I look forward to sharing my journey of healing and recovery.

Hostage

I have been studying out of my Healing Through Christ manual and came across a qoute from Elder Neal A. Maxwell that I love, "not looking back, and refusing to let yesterday hold tomorrow hostage."  When I focus on yesterday, my marriage and my husband previous to finding out about his addiction,  I am in fact holding tomorrow and most often today hostage.  I find that I am unable to do anything productive, I wallow in my sadness of what I had hoped my marriage would be.  I am cheating my family, my husband, and mostly MYSELF of the gift that today is.  When I rely on the Lord to help me stay present in the here and now I am better able to feel His peace and am able to look to tomorrow with hope. 

As I learn more about my husband's addiction, I am beginning to understand what a HUGE part of the addiction is going into his head to escape reality in fantasy (not always of a sexual nature), he just isn't present in the moment.   In turn, I am learning that I do the same in my own addiction of co-dependency.  When I focus on yesterday and the hurt, lies, breach of trust, etc. I, too, am escaping reality.  In order to heal and find the hope and peace that I am so desperately seeking, I NEED to "not look back . . . and let yesterday hold tomorrow hostage."