A couple weekends ago M planned to take our oldest two kids hunting several hours away. Because I was in a cast and unable to walk he didn't feel comfortable leaving me home with the rest of the kiddos. So we decided that we would all drive to his parents the night before and then he and the older two and his dad would go hunting the next morning while the rest of the kids and I hung out with grandma.
The day that we were planning to leave M did something that triggered me and left me feeling unsafe emotionally. For a while I wouldn't answer his calls because I knew I wouldn't react well. I finally answered and told him that I felt lied to because of how things were handled. He said "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead of validating my feelings he went straight into minimizing them and justifying his actions. Once again, my feelings didn't matter.
He came home to prepare for the weekend and to talk. The thing I am realizing is that we can't talk about any of this. I admit that I have handled it poorly, VERY poorly, in the past and that I didn't handle this "talk" any better. However, even when I try to share my feelings without blaming my feelings are minimized. His shame comes to the surface and he can longer hear what I am saying. He only hears what he thinks I am saying, what he tells himself over and over in his head.
I told him that I was not going with him for the weekend. I didn't want to pretend to the kids or his parents that everything was perfect and happy. Because it so wasn't.
I guess he told him mom that we were having some problems and that was why I didn't go. Her response to him was "Fix it!"
Here we are two weeks out and he isn't working to fix it. I have told him what I need from him to help heal our marriage, transparency in ALL things. Every time he says "Ok. I will do it." And then NOTHING. No change.
M doesn't understand that while he is helping with dishes, kids, housework, and all that it doesn't help build trust. I so appreciate his help, however he was helpful while in his addiction so doing them now isn't a huge visible change. I recognize and appreciate his efforts in being more open with me about the feelings and frustrations that he shares with me. Again though, venting about work, his calling, the kids was something he did when he was in his addiction. It really frustrates me that I have to ask "What is wrong" before he will share with me. What is the most frustrating and what I need the most right now is for him to be open about his struggles, what he is doing at work, where his mind is in regards to his addiction, to recovery. This has always been that secret part of his life and it continues to be the secret part of his life. Being open and transparent about his thoughts in this regard is where he will begin to build trust. This is where he will begin to FIX IT.
A week ago M said to me that he felt as though I didn't want him close, that I didn't want him to cuddle with me. And the truth is, I don't really. I am starving for an intimate connection with him. Not the physically intimate connection that he wants. I want/need to feel the emotional, intimate connection before I want the physical connection. And I am not getting that. I want to have a conversations about our feelings. I want, I need, to talk about something more than the weather or the kids. I shared these feelings with him and still nothing. You want to being to fix it? Here is another jumping off point.
What M doesn't seem to realize it that repairing the trust and the damage is his responsibility to fix. I know that I have areas where I have caused serious damage and I need to do all I can to fix those. These things mentioned are some areas where HE needs to put the effort to rebuild our marriage and despite being told what is needed he continues to avoid them because it is uncomfortable, he doesn't see the point, he doesn't see what good it will do, etc.
Until he is willing to be transparent in all things--addiction, work, everything; our marriage can't be fixed.
Until he is willing to connect in an emotional way I really don't have the desire to be physically close and our marriage can't be fixed.
I hope one day M will decide to do everything needed to FIX IT.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Progress?
Since finding out about M's addiction my feelings have run the gamut...overwhelming sadness, denial, depression, bouts of anger, hurt, and so much more. Some days are good and I can make it through the day without shedding any tears. Other days I am a mascara-streaked, crumpled mess. Some days I am at peace with where we are at and others I am weighed down with the heaviness of where we are at.
Lately I feel ANGRY!
Angry that M could lie so easily to me and more so that he would choose to lie to me...over and over. I am angry that he refuses to acknowledge that he lied or the damage it has had on me and our marriage. I am angry that I can't trust him to tell me the truth about anything because he finds it so easy to lie. I am angry that he says it isn't up to him to earn the trust back.
I am angry that while I was home taking care of OUR household and family, he was spending hours watching porn and fantasizing. Angry that he put his job in jeopardy every time he viewed at work or while on business trips.
I am angry that he used his resentments toward me, or anyone else, as reason to act out. Angry that he said I was the reason he turned back to it after we were married.
I am so angry that despite me being understanding the first couple times he told me he had a "little struggle" with porn, he hid it from me the until the last two D-days. It wasn't until I finally asked "what is going on" that he said anything and even then it was a trickle. I had to pry for more and more. He didn't come out with it up front.
I am angry that I can't talk to M about my feelings because he shuts down, minimizes my feelings, or justifies them away. I am angry that his feelings matter more than mine, more than trying to rebuild our marriage.
I am angry that M repeatedly "stepped out" on our marriage with thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women. While it was not physically with other women (that I know of) he had affairs in his mind daily and acted out sexually with himself. In my mind that is no different than physically being with another woman. I am angry that there were no repercussions for his actions in regards to his standing in the church. Nothing. I am angry that something as simple as drinking coffee will keep an individual from being to attend the temple, but viewing and fantasizing about thousands of women while sexually taking care of his needs doesn't. The Savior said, "...That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart".
I am angry that M used me to get his fix. Angry that what should have been special has been made to be cheap and common. Angry that I can't trust whether he is wanting to truly connect with me or if he is just needing a fix. Angry that I don't know if he is thinking about me during or if he is pulling up old images, old fantasies.
I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition. There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction. I was left feeling like a crazy person.
I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.
I am angry that I no longer trust my self and my intuition. There were times when things felt off and I would ask what was going on and was repeatedly told things were good when all the while he was indulging in his addiction. I was left feeling like a crazy person.
I am angry that person I trusted more than anyone else to protect me, hurt me deeper than I have ever imagined possible.
This post could go on for quite some time...Needless to say, I am hurt. I am angry.
And you know what? That is okay. It isn't being unChristlike. Christ felt anger. Heavenly Father feels anger. The way I deal with the anger determines if I am being Christlike or not. My anger is a result of the choices and betrayal of M. And now it is up to me how I handle my anger. Right now I am choosing to write about it. I may choose to talk about it. I may even choose to break some things.
I recently read that several other wives are dealing with feelings of anger as a result of their own husband's addictions. A couple of them were told by their therapists that they were making progress in their healing as it is good and necessary to feel and acknowledge the anger. That is is part of the grieving process.
Well right now I am feeling it. I am acknowledging it. Feeling it is important and imperative to my healing. So maybe, just maybe I am making progress?!?
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Unwanted
Years ago, when I was between 10 and 12 years old (I don't remember for sure how old I was), I was looking through some of my parent's photo albums. I remember coming across a picture of my mom from their wedding reception. It was a side view and I remember her bouquet resting on her stomach which seemed to protrude out a bit. I then started doing some math in my head--they were married in early 1978 and was born halfway through 1978. It didn't add up to 9 months, it could have if I had been born early, but I wasn't. So I asked my mom about it. She told me that she and my dad had made a mistake and got married halfway through their senior year. I was born shortly after they graduated.
To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said. What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake. Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.
As a youth I always needed a boyfriend. I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me. So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband. I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm). I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.
When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way. Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted. But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.
When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary). It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me. He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough. I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me. He always came. He wanted me.
Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him. Suddenly I felt unwanted again. Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him. I wanted to curl up and die.
Our first year was HELL! I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away. Sex was just that, sex. There was no connection, no intimacy. Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart. I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means. I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used. I said hurtful things and I was cruel. I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away. He made a mistake marrying me. Here I was again, someone else's mistake. UNWANTED was how I felt.
When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever. My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage. He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me. He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me. He was choosing his addiction over everything! Although he doesn't feel that way.
I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted. They didn't get to choose me though. They got who was sent to them. M on the other hand chose me. I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.
I know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me. I doesn't feel that way at all. I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me. The man that promised to love me, CHOSE thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me. He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.
His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted. It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing. That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage. It doesn't show me that he wants me.
I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about. I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees. How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him? I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.
I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me. :(
To be honest I don't remember much about more about that day or what else she said. What I do remember feeling was that I was their mistake, an unwanted mistake. Then when they began having serious problems during my high school years I felt it was my fault as they were only together because they had made a mistake, ME, years earlier.
As a youth I always needed a boyfriend. I felt wanted if there was a guy (or guys) that liked me. So I went from boyfriend to boyfriend from my 6 grade year until I was married to my husband. I needed to be wanted and because of that I put up with all kinds of crap from the guys in my life. They said awful things to me, they treated me poorly and I let them because at least they wanted me (insert sarcasm). I put myself in situations that compromised my values because I felt wanted.
When I say wanted it doesn't necessarily mean in a physical, sexual way. Sure, making out helped me to feel wanted. But it wasn't what I was/am really searching for.
When I met my husband I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was waiting for a missionary). It didn't take long for me to make him the center of my life, after all he showed interest in me. He seemed to want me. Our courtship and engagement were rough. I was always looking for some validation from him that I was wanted. There were many times when I left in the dark of the night in the bitter cold and went to a park alone in hopes that he might come searching for me because that meant that I was important to him, that he wanted me. He always came. He wanted me.
Not long after we were married, almost a month actually, my husband came home from school one day and told me how several girls were hitting on him. Suddenly I felt unwanted again. Here I was a new bride and all my new husband could talk about was other girls hitting on him. I wanted to curl up and die.
Our first year was HELL! I couldn't get over feeling not wanted and I pulled away. Sex was just that, sex. There was no connection, no intimacy. Most times I would cry during or after. The one thing that should have helped us come closer together as a couple actually tore us further apart. I didn't feel wanted, I just felt like an end to a means. I didn't feel wanted for my spirit and my body, I felt abused and used. I said hurtful things and I was cruel. I know that I made his life miserable, so miserable that he was ready to walk away. He made a mistake marrying me. Here I was again, someone else's mistake. UNWANTED was how I felt.
When everything finally came out about M's addiction, I felt more unwanted than ever. My husband was choosing porn over me, over our marriage. He was choosing to fantasize about every other woman he saw over me. He was choosing to masturbate over being intimate with me. He was choosing his addiction over everything! Although he doesn't feel that way.
I have struggled with feeling like I was my parent's mistake and feeling not wanted. They didn't get to choose me though. They got who was sent to them. M on the other hand chose me. I felt special, loved, and wanted because HE chose ME over all the other girls he dated.
I know they say that this addiction has nothing to do with me or M's feelings for me. I doesn't feel that way at all. I feel so broken, so UNWANTED, that I am not sure I can ever believe he wants me. The man that promised to love me, CHOSE thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women over me. He chose sex with himself over sex with me. He chose connection to a computer screen over intimacy with me.
His unwillingness to do all that he can to help rebuild trust and heal our marriage leaves me feeling unwanted. It has been a week since he told me he would do daily check-ins and nothing. That doesn't show me that he wants to do everything he can to heal our marriage. It doesn't show me that he wants me.
I don't want to feel wanted for my body, that isn't what this is about. I want to feel wanted for who I am as a person, as a beautiful daughter of God. I don't understand how M can say he wants me and thinks I am beautiful and amazing when he is struggling to NOT want (physically) every other woman he sees. How can he supposedly see me, like really see me, when every other female is just an object to him? I find it hard to understand why the Lord would let M see the real me and not see other women for WHO they are as daughters of God rather than their bodies.
I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel special to the one man on earth who I care what he thinks and feels about me. :(
Thursday, December 12, 2013
working a good recovery?
Yesterday a fellow WoPA posed a question to me in response to a question I had asked about going on a cruise with M . . . "Do you feel like he is working a good recovery?"
Honestly, I don't know. I wish I did know. I hope he is. I just don't know for sure that he is working a good recovery.
After pondering on her question most of the day yesterday and then again this morning more questions came to my mind . . . WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY LOOK LIKE? WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY FEEL LIKE?
I don't know. And that leaves me feeling unsettled. I know that recovery is different for each individual so how do I know if he is working a good recovery?
Earlier this year I could say with confidence that he was working a good recovery, with emphasis on WORKING. He was going to 2 meetings a week (we both were), journaling responses from the ARP manual, sharing his recovery with me, visiting with the bishop, etc. It was obvious and I could see and feel it.
Now, not so much. I don't see it at all. He hasn't been to a meeting for a while. Although I do need to say that there have definitely been conflicts with kids, my surgery, hunting, etc to keep him/us from going. He hasn't pulled his journal or his ARP manual out for months. I don't know if he speaks with his sponsor anymore (although I am not sure what good that did...he told M that he was just able to stop). Last month he even blamed me for being the reason he isn't doing recovery work. HUH?! I am reminded of something that Andrew from Rowboats said...
"Question: What is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery?
Answer: You can’t get the addict to talk about his recovery and you can’t get the addict in recovery to shut up about it."
M doesn't talk about recovery anymore and seems to avoid it or gets defensive when it is brought up. He doesn't "want the addiction to be a part of him" and so by not talking about it, he can pretend it isn't, I guess. Talking won't make it not true and avoiding it will only feed it.
His avoidance of talking about my feelings as a result of this addiction or to talk about the addiction at all, his defensiveness when we do talk about my feelings, his attempts to blame me for him not working recovery, his lack of desire to connect emotionally, his unwillingness to admit that he lied for most of our marriage to protect his mistress (his addiction), and other things don't feel like recovery to me.
I do see and feel some changes in him.
He is trying to be more patient with the kids, he is SO helpful at home (dishes, sweeping, laundry, getting kids to bed, etc), and so much more. To his credit though, he has always done that to some degree. He has always been a good dad and a good husband. He hasn't said an unkind thing to me or treated me badly like I have heard from some other wives. And for that I am SO grateful. However, it makes it confusing to me. How do I know if he is working a good recovery if he is doing the same things as before?
I still feel like he has a "secret" life. I have no clue what he is or is NOT doing at work. I thought he was working, but found out that he spent his days viewing porn. Unfortunately, I don't know that he isn't doing that now because he doesn't talk about it. He doesn't talk about any of it. I don't know if he is dealing with the negative emotions he is faced with. I don't know that he isn't lusting. I don't know anything when it comes to his recovery. I just don't know.
I have asked repeatedly for transparency regarding this and he will say "Okay" and then nothing. No nightly check-in like I have requested. Nothing. There are times after me asking several times when he will share some feelings--frustrations with work, kids, church, but not his struggles or anything to do with the addiction or recovery. He isn't forthcoming about any of it. And that leaves me feeling unsettled and I guess leaves me with my answer . . . . I personally can't say 'I see and feel that he is working a good recovery'.
Honestly, I don't know. I wish I did know. I hope he is. I just don't know for sure that he is working a good recovery.
After pondering on her question most of the day yesterday and then again this morning more questions came to my mind . . . WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY LOOK LIKE? WHAT DOES A GOOD RECOVERY FEEL LIKE?
I don't know. And that leaves me feeling unsettled. I know that recovery is different for each individual so how do I know if he is working a good recovery?
Earlier this year I could say with confidence that he was working a good recovery, with emphasis on WORKING. He was going to 2 meetings a week (we both were), journaling responses from the ARP manual, sharing his recovery with me, visiting with the bishop, etc. It was obvious and I could see and feel it.
Now, not so much. I don't see it at all. He hasn't been to a meeting for a while. Although I do need to say that there have definitely been conflicts with kids, my surgery, hunting, etc to keep him/us from going. He hasn't pulled his journal or his ARP manual out for months. I don't know if he speaks with his sponsor anymore (although I am not sure what good that did...he told M that he was just able to stop). Last month he even blamed me for being the reason he isn't doing recovery work. HUH?! I am reminded of something that Andrew from Rowboats said...
"Question: What is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery?
Answer: You can’t get the addict to talk about his recovery and you can’t get the addict in recovery to shut up about it."
M doesn't talk about recovery anymore and seems to avoid it or gets defensive when it is brought up. He doesn't "want the addiction to be a part of him" and so by not talking about it, he can pretend it isn't, I guess. Talking won't make it not true and avoiding it will only feed it.
His avoidance of talking about my feelings as a result of this addiction or to talk about the addiction at all, his defensiveness when we do talk about my feelings, his attempts to blame me for him not working recovery, his lack of desire to connect emotionally, his unwillingness to admit that he lied for most of our marriage to protect his mistress (his addiction), and other things don't feel like recovery to me.
I do see and feel some changes in him.
He is trying to be more patient with the kids, he is SO helpful at home (dishes, sweeping, laundry, getting kids to bed, etc), and so much more. To his credit though, he has always done that to some degree. He has always been a good dad and a good husband. He hasn't said an unkind thing to me or treated me badly like I have heard from some other wives. And for that I am SO grateful. However, it makes it confusing to me. How do I know if he is working a good recovery if he is doing the same things as before?
I still feel like he has a "secret" life. I have no clue what he is or is NOT doing at work. I thought he was working, but found out that he spent his days viewing porn. Unfortunately, I don't know that he isn't doing that now because he doesn't talk about it. He doesn't talk about any of it. I don't know if he is dealing with the negative emotions he is faced with. I don't know that he isn't lusting. I don't know anything when it comes to his recovery. I just don't know.
I have asked repeatedly for transparency regarding this and he will say "Okay" and then nothing. No nightly check-in like I have requested. Nothing. There are times after me asking several times when he will share some feelings--frustrations with work, kids, church, but not his struggles or anything to do with the addiction or recovery. He isn't forthcoming about any of it. And that leaves me feeling unsettled and I guess leaves me with my answer . . . . I personally can't say 'I see and feel that he is working a good recovery'.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Untruth? Truth?
Where is the line between honesty & dishonesty? Truth between a lie? What is considered being truth or untruthful? I suppose it varies from person to person depending on their beliefs. What might be thought of as untruthful for one is not for another.
This seems to be the case with M and I. I am struggling to understand how the man I love, who said he loved me could lie to me, to my face, and not blink an eye. And despite a year of recovery still adamantly deny being dishonest to me. This is a man that if you were to ask him a simple, meaningless question can't lie. It is written all over his face. So how can he lie so easily about real things, things that matter, that have the potential to destroy his family and claim he wasn't dishonest?
Is there a difference between simply omitting certain details and actual dishonesty? In some circumstances, sure I guess, or does it have more to do with motive rather that what is or is NOT being said?
Here are a few definitions--
dishonest: characterized by lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness;
deceptive
dishonesty: lack of honesty or integrity; disposition to defraud or
deceive
deceive: to be false to; beguile, delude, mislead
untruthful: discrepancy between what is said and fact or reality
lie: to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive, to create a false
or misleading representation
omit: to leave out or leave unmentioned
To me they sound quite similar, and all too familiar. For 15 years my husband lied to me about his *little* problem or in his words he "didn't tell me everything about his struggle." He would come home from work and be a good, attentive dad and really, a good husband--helpful, engaged, etc. Yet his life at work or on business trips was completely different. When I would ask how his day was, what he had going on, etc he would tell me just enough to placate me. He would omit certain details like um, "I spent 3 hours viewing porn and fantasizing at work today." Or, "I really want to get off the phone because the computer is calling my name. Sorry you are home dealing with the kids alone while I am fantasizing and taking care of myself". His intent was to deceive me, to hide his other life.
Knowing that my husband wants every other woman and finds pleasure watching women be degraded is excruciatingly painful. However, the dishonesty and his unwillingness to recognize it as such makes me see red. Like I wanna rip off his head and throw it across the room, RED! More than that though it will be a death sentence to our marriage. I wish he could see and really understand that. Just be honest, damn it!
It reminds me of what children are told a lot, "You might get in trouble for doing (fill in the blank). However, if you lie about it you will get in trouble for the wrong done AND for lying." He doesn't get it.
I simply can't tolerate any more dishonesty, being untruthful, lies, deception, omissions, NOTHING! I need complete transparency in all things not just the stupid addiction. ALL things!
This seems to be the case with M and I. I am struggling to understand how the man I love, who said he loved me could lie to me, to my face, and not blink an eye. And despite a year of recovery still adamantly deny being dishonest to me. This is a man that if you were to ask him a simple, meaningless question can't lie. It is written all over his face. So how can he lie so easily about real things, things that matter, that have the potential to destroy his family and claim he wasn't dishonest?
Is there a difference between simply omitting certain details and actual dishonesty? In some circumstances, sure I guess, or does it have more to do with motive rather that what is or is NOT being said?
Here are a few definitions--
dishonest: characterized by lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness;
deceptive
dishonesty: lack of honesty or integrity; disposition to defraud or
deceive
deceive: to be false to; beguile, delude, mislead
untruthful: discrepancy between what is said and fact or reality
lie: to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive, to create a false
or misleading representation
omit: to leave out or leave unmentioned
To me they sound quite similar, and all too familiar. For 15 years my husband lied to me about his *little* problem or in his words he "didn't tell me everything about his struggle." He would come home from work and be a good, attentive dad and really, a good husband--helpful, engaged, etc. Yet his life at work or on business trips was completely different. When I would ask how his day was, what he had going on, etc he would tell me just enough to placate me. He would omit certain details like um, "I spent 3 hours viewing porn and fantasizing at work today." Or, "I really want to get off the phone because the computer is calling my name. Sorry you are home dealing with the kids alone while I am fantasizing and taking care of myself". His intent was to deceive me, to hide his other life.
Knowing that my husband wants every other woman and finds pleasure watching women be degraded is excruciatingly painful. However, the dishonesty and his unwillingness to recognize it as such makes me see red. Like I wanna rip off his head and throw it across the room, RED! More than that though it will be a death sentence to our marriage. I wish he could see and really understand that. Just be honest, damn it!
It reminds me of what children are told a lot, "You might get in trouble for doing (fill in the blank). However, if you lie about it you will get in trouble for the wrong done AND for lying." He doesn't get it.
I simply can't tolerate any more dishonesty, being untruthful, lies, deception, omissions, NOTHING! I need complete transparency in all things not just the stupid addiction. ALL things!
Monday, December 2, 2013
Late night . . .
It's late. I should be in bed sleeping because morning is going to come so much sooner than I care to admit. However, as much as I want to sleep, I can't.
I am hurt.
I am frustrated.
I am overwhelmed.
I feel alone.
Dealing (or trying to deal) with the effects of this addiction, raising my large (very active) family, running my own business, as well as trying to recover from a recent surgery that keeps me from being able to put any weight on one of my legs is proving too much for me.
Yesterday morning while lying in bed with H, I told him that I think I am dealing with some serious depression right now. I really just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and sleep the day, the week, the month away. He was kind and gentle. He held me as I sobbed and shared my feelings for more than an hour. I felt heard.
Tonight I talked with him about the possibility of ending my business as I feel it is just too much for me right now. It is just one more thing for me to do, one more place for me to run. He was understanding, although I get a feeling that he doesn't really want me to stop because he enjoys the little bit of financial freedom it has given us. As do I, however is that worth my sanity? Is it really worth the time away from my family?
Our discussion then lead into some of the hurt and betrayal that I am trying to face as a direct result of his actions while in the addiction. I very calmly and gently shared some of my fears and needs. There was NO attacking. No blaming. I used "I feel ...." sentences. It was not received well and was avoided the rest of the night. I feel as though he tried to pretend it all away again. This seems to be our pattern--I bring something up such as my pain or anything else that could possibly be uncomfortable for him. We might talk or argue for while without really talking and resolving it and then he pretends like it never happened.
I feel like my feelings don't matter. Like I don't matter. I feel unsafe.
I am frustrated that no matter if I am to gently share how I feel without saying "you did this or you did that" or if I come out guns blazing and attack and blame he still shuts down. His feelings matter more than mine.
I feel stuck. I don't know how to move forward in a relationship where my feelings don't matter. Especially if those feelings make him uncomfortable. Or make him feel guilty. Actually I know it isn't guilt, it is SHAME. And until he acknowledges this he can't move forward either....in recovery or in our relationship.
Let's be honest talking about those feelings is uncomfortable for me too. I never dreamed masturbation/porn/dishonesty would ever be things I would be talking about. Yet is it. That is my reality. Pretending the feelings away or avoiding them isn't healthy for me or him. I need to talk about my feelings to heal. I need to talk about them with him to help heal the loss of trust and to help heal in general.
I don't know what the next step is for me right now. Do I go to a counselor? Do we go as a couple? How do I/we find the time for that when we barely have a second to breathe as it is? Do I detach emotionally as I don't feel safe right now? Although I have no real clue how to detach. I haven't really refined my boundaries yet, but maybe I need to do that and lay them out in front of him.
I feel so lost. So alone.
I am hurt.
I am frustrated.
I am overwhelmed.
I feel alone.
Dealing (or trying to deal) with the effects of this addiction, raising my large (very active) family, running my own business, as well as trying to recover from a recent surgery that keeps me from being able to put any weight on one of my legs is proving too much for me.
Yesterday morning while lying in bed with H, I told him that I think I am dealing with some serious depression right now. I really just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and sleep the day, the week, the month away. He was kind and gentle. He held me as I sobbed and shared my feelings for more than an hour. I felt heard.
Tonight I talked with him about the possibility of ending my business as I feel it is just too much for me right now. It is just one more thing for me to do, one more place for me to run. He was understanding, although I get a feeling that he doesn't really want me to stop because he enjoys the little bit of financial freedom it has given us. As do I, however is that worth my sanity? Is it really worth the time away from my family?
Our discussion then lead into some of the hurt and betrayal that I am trying to face as a direct result of his actions while in the addiction. I very calmly and gently shared some of my fears and needs. There was NO attacking. No blaming. I used "I feel ...." sentences. It was not received well and was avoided the rest of the night. I feel as though he tried to pretend it all away again. This seems to be our pattern--I bring something up such as my pain or anything else that could possibly be uncomfortable for him. We might talk or argue for while without really talking and resolving it and then he pretends like it never happened.
I feel like my feelings don't matter. Like I don't matter. I feel unsafe.
I am frustrated that no matter if I am to gently share how I feel without saying "you did this or you did that" or if I come out guns blazing and attack and blame he still shuts down. His feelings matter more than mine.
I feel stuck. I don't know how to move forward in a relationship where my feelings don't matter. Especially if those feelings make him uncomfortable. Or make him feel guilty. Actually I know it isn't guilt, it is SHAME. And until he acknowledges this he can't move forward either....in recovery or in our relationship.
Let's be honest talking about those feelings is uncomfortable for me too. I never dreamed masturbation/porn/dishonesty would ever be things I would be talking about. Yet is it. That is my reality. Pretending the feelings away or avoiding them isn't healthy for me or him. I need to talk about my feelings to heal. I need to talk about them with him to help heal the loss of trust and to help heal in general.
I don't know what the next step is for me right now. Do I go to a counselor? Do we go as a couple? How do I/we find the time for that when we barely have a second to breathe as it is? Do I detach emotionally as I don't feel safe right now? Although I have no real clue how to detach. I haven't really refined my boundaries yet, but maybe I need to do that and lay them out in front of him.
I feel so lost. So alone.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Back and forth
Lately I have felt like a yo-yo. I go back and forth on almost everything in
regard to my relationship with H(Mr. Hopeful). And
really, it isn't just about my relationship with him. It is my relationship with my kids, my
Savior, everyone. I feel so confused and
I am sure H feels similar. One minute I
am "good" and happy and the next I am withdrawn and empty.
I want him to see him actively working his recovery (step work, meetings, etc), but hate that it takes away from time we can spend together. So when I don't see him working his steps BECAUSE he is choosing to spending time with me then the thought comes in "He has stopped working his steps. He has relapsed or is quickly heading in that direction".
I want to be physically intimate and feel close during,
however, not long after a sense of unease enters. I am left questioning everything--his motives
(did he see something earlier in the day to cause lustful thoughts and that is
why he wants to be with me) and my motives (am I truly seeking physical
connection or am I medicating negative emotions, looking for validation that I
am "wanted", or am I lusting). Was the connection I felt real or was it false?
When we are intimate I want him to take in all of me, all of
my body, yet I find myself recoiling when he gets to my ever-shrinking breasts. One day I am planning on getting an
augmentation and the next I feel I can't do that, how can I teach my daughter
to love herself as she is if I can't.
I want honesty and I want to believe. Yet when H tells me that he is doing well and
he hasn't indulged, hasn't lusted, fantasized, whatever; I don't believe him
and have said as much to him which leaves him wondering why he should tell me
anything if I won't believe it anyway. I
know this is Betrayal Trauma presenting itself, but it is so frustrating. I want to believe, I want to trust.
I want H to find me attractive, to think I am
beautiful. But when he tells me I look
nice or that I am beautiful I immediately question his motives. Is he wanting "some" tonight? I am dressed a little more trendy and young
so does that mean he is only interested if I look like that? I want him to see him actively working his recovery (step work, meetings, etc), but hate that it takes away from time we can spend together. So when I don't see him working his steps BECAUSE he is choosing to spending time with me then the thought comes in "He has stopped working his steps. He has relapsed or is quickly heading in that direction".
So many conflicting thoughts roll around my head daily, it
is exhausting. I am emotionally,
spiritually exhausted, and most times physically.
Like I said, so CONFUSING.
It doesn't make sense. It truly
is INSANITY at its worst!
Friday, October 25, 2013
hard times
For as long
as I can remember I have never felt good about myself. I never much liked myself. I never felt pretty enough. I was never skinny enough. And on and on. I remember my younger sister and brother
calling another brother and myself FAT.
My high school boyfriend called me his "kick me dog". He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?" I said "what do you mean?" His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you." I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say). He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs). My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin. Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was. My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ), I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left. I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."
http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
My high school boyfriend called me his "kick me dog". He once asked..."I wonder if we can make oil out of you?" I said "what do you mean?" His response was, "You know how they take the blubber from whales and turn it into oil, I wonder if we can do that with you." I wasn't fat, I was quite thin (too thin some would say). He told me if I gained weight when I went away to college to not bother coming home (I lost 15 more lbs). My friends would yell, "Who opened the mayonnaise jar?" at youth swimming activities because of my fair skin. Some of my guy friends from the ward let me know just how small they thought my chest was. My college boyfriend told me hoped I wouldn't gain weight while he was away on his mission. I was mortified when I ran into him just shortly after he got home from his mission--I had just had my first baby (obviously I didn't wait for him ;) ), I had gained almost 80 lbs due to pre-eclampsia, and looked nothing like I did when he left. I was sure he was thinking to himself, "Phew, I am so glad she didn't wait for me, she ballooned up."
Looking
back, where did I find these guys, these friends, and why did I ever put up
with it? Why?
Because I never felt I had much worth as a friend, a woman, a person, a
girlfriend, a daughter, a mom, a wife. My
worth (in my eyes) has always been tied to whether a certain guy thought I was
pretty, if could fit into a certain size, if my house was clean enough or a
million other things. Finding out that
my husband was looking at and fantasizing about other women
was literally crushing. His actions backed
up what I had believed for so long...I had NO worth. If I did, he wouldn't want other women when he had me.
I am not
gonna lie....the last month or so has been H.A.R.D...really hard! Mr. Hopeful did something last month,
unintentional on his part I think, that left me feeling unsafe emotionally and
physically. His response to this
particular incident was less than compassionate which added to the trauma I
already felt. It took me back to the
last two D-days and the pain and worthlessness I felt then. Back to my worthless feeling teenage self. The recovery work I had done over the last 10
months or so went out the window. I have
been a mess. Insanity has been my
constant companion.
It all came
to a head this weekend, it wasn't pretty.
The anger, the pain, the sadness, the confusion all came out in an ugly,
bitter, blaming, shaming fit. To be
honest, I told him (Mr. Hopeful & the Lord) that I was done. As in I can't live in this pain anymore. I don't WANT to live in this pain
anymore. I just wanted it all over. I felt so broken, so worthless, so unwanted
that what did it matter what I did? He
didn't want me anyway so who cares?
INSANITY!!
Thankfully,
Mr. Hopeful wasn't quite so willing to give up on me (I don't honestly know why). He sent me
an email with a link to an interview about Thought Management on the Mormon Chanel. He was sharing it with me
because it was an answer to his own prayers for things he deals with and hoped
that I might gain something from it. He
had no clue, it was exactly what I needed as well.
More to come
in the next post....
I encourage
you to take the time to listen to this interview. It was SO good and beneficial for myself, for
my husband, and our bishop. Maybe you might gain so strength from it as well.http://www.mormonchannel.org/insights/15
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Broken
Life has been overwhelmingly busy the last couple of months. As a result my recovery efforts have seriously fallen by the wayside. I keep telling myself I need to take just 10 minutes to sit down and read from the ARP manual or HTC handbook. Yet it seems as though there is NEVER just 10 minutes to do anything. There is always something else that needs done or somewhere to run.
Things have been going really well for my husband and I. We have had some rough points (my fault), but for the most part things have been good. Real good. We have been reconnecting on a different, much deeper level than we ever have before. We have been HAPPY. It is an amazing feeling. And so scary at the same time. Scary because I know that this happiness can be gone in an instant.
This past week something happened that was extremely triggering for me. The happiness I had been feeling was immediately gone and in it's place was fear, anger, hurt, sadness, and a feeling of worthlessness. I was blindsided by how betrayed and hurt I felt. I feel broken.
How could this particular thing happen if my husband was really in recovery. Surely, something has happened in his recovery to allow this in after so long. It HAD to be something HE had or had not done. Why would this happen otherwise?!?
This latest trigger along with what I see other WoPA's facing right now has rocked my world. I am left questioning my testimony in a loving Father in Heaven and the healing power of the Atonement in my life and the lives of others. I don't understand how a perfect, loving parent could sit back and watch His children suffer at the hands of other's actions.
Things have been going really well for my husband and I. We have had some rough points (my fault), but for the most part things have been good. Real good. We have been reconnecting on a different, much deeper level than we ever have before. We have been HAPPY. It is an amazing feeling. And so scary at the same time. Scary because I know that this happiness can be gone in an instant.
This past week something happened that was extremely triggering for me. The happiness I had been feeling was immediately gone and in it's place was fear, anger, hurt, sadness, and a feeling of worthlessness. I was blindsided by how betrayed and hurt I felt. I feel broken.
How could this particular thing happen if my husband was really in recovery. Surely, something has happened in his recovery to allow this in after so long. It HAD to be something HE had or had not done. Why would this happen otherwise?!?
This latest trigger along with what I see other WoPA's facing right now has rocked my world. I am left questioning my testimony in a loving Father in Heaven and the healing power of the Atonement in my life and the lives of others. I don't understand how a perfect, loving parent could sit back and watch His children suffer at the hands of other's actions.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Satan's Secret Strategy
Yesterday morning, after the alarm had gone off, Mr. Hopeful and I cuddled up in bed and had a great conversation. A discussion about shame and how it keeps each of us from being involved in groups of people (ward functions, family functions, etc). He feels like shrinking because of things he has done in the past. He feels ugly and dirty, despite knowing that he is clean and forgiven. I, too, feel ugly and unworthy of being in others' presence.
When he left the bed for work we both had learned things about ourselves. We learned that what we thought was fear keeping us from getting involved with others is actually feelings of shame. He emailed me an article that he had stumbled across almost by accident. I believe he was led to find it as it went right along with the discussion we had just a couple hours earlier.
I would like to share it with you as I believe shame is one of the key factors in what we and our husbands are faced with. Not just with this addiction but with so many things in our individual lives. It is a bit long, but worth the read.
Satan always uses the same tricks. He is a mastermind of psychology who has perfected a few ploys and uses them again and again, devilishly pleased with how easily we succumb. On this earth, he started with Adam and Eve and found a particular fiery dart so potent and searing, he has never stopped using it.
You may recognize this technique.
Adam and Eve partake of the fruit, discover their nakedness and then stand shaking when God calls their name in the garden. Satan is right at their shoulder, with urgent words, “Hide. Quickly, hide.” He floods them with a sense of their unworthiness, calls them to retreat, run, be separated from all that is good and holy because they are flawed.
He tells them to shrink in shame, to be flushed with embarrassment, not only at what they've done, but who they are.
Shame is one of Satan's pernicious tools, a view of ourselves he is always busy selling us. In our inner conversations, our self-talk, we may not call it shame, nor recognize that Satan has also told us to run and hide, but the tactic is the same.
It is that secret disdain of ourselves that we carry like a hidden worm because we have not been all that we imagined that we could. It is that nagging sense of disappointment that the weaknesses we wrestled with yesterday and last year are still dogging us. It is the chagrin that so much that is difficult for us seems to come easily to others.
It is that embarrassment that we have let ourselves and others down. It is the sin that sickens us or the sometimes hardness of our hearts towards those we should treat softly. It is the life skill we never quite master. (Can my closet still be this disorganized?)
It is the suspicion that others don't regard us or recognize us, the sense that they dismiss us. It is the dismay that we don't measure up, that no matter how hard we try, that we can't do it.
We may not experience any of these kinds of shame, but for many, there is a piece of ourselves, maybe a hidden piece, carefully masked perhaps even from ourselves, that is dimmed in shame.
If it was one of Satan's first temptations to our parents in the garden, we can be certain that he is using it in some way on us. It is a particularly effective tool for those of us who are members of the Church who want so much to become good.
We cry tears and lament, “Have I been a good enough mother?” “Have I been a good enough father?” We beat ourselves up with what we might have done differently at home, at work, in our church callings. We ask ourselves if we missed the boat somewhere along the way, took a Wrong Turn, buried our talents. Or maybe just hit a glass ceiling that our heart tells us we could have shattered if we could have just found the way.
We sometimes contribute to our sense of self-disdain, playing right into Satan's strategy. We may recount our weaknesses until they grow in our mind, replay every rejection, let our disappointments fatten and grow in our souls until they dominate and then diminish our identity.
Anything that makes us feel small and wretched does not come from the Lord who desires most of all for us to remember whose son and daughter we are, and therefore what glorious vistas can await us.
If shame can make us grovel in humiliation before life's opportunities (even if others don't see it), it can also have the opposite effect. We may go to great lengths to hide our chagrin by seeking to be overly competent, feel that we must never make mistakes. We might find ourselves in that endless race for importance, because inside we feel so unworthy and unimportant.
In this way, shame is a cousin to pride. A shrinking sense of dismay about ourselves—or even some part of ourselves—may lead us to that great temptation—working really hard on our beautiful self-image as an antidote.
Even unconsciously we may try to prove that we matter, or worse, that we matter more than other people, that we have our precious, little superiorities. We may search, even unconsciously, for ways to feel OK. We may decorate our resumes or our bodies or our social standing, hoping to smother the voice of shame and heal the hole it eats inside of us. Maybe then we can feel important enough.
Shame can become terribly self-absorbing. It can become a relentless search for something, anything, to make us feel better. “ If I achieve this, then will I be good enough? If I do that, then will I be good enough?” “Have I properly shored up my self-esteem so that I can finally shroud that sense of shame, silence the voices of chagrin, dismay and self-disdain which whisper to me?
Shame is paralyzing. It stops us in our tracks. It bids us give up, contract, stop trying. It makes us feel that we should abandon our standards since they are impossible anyway and we could never live up to them. It wraps us in despair and tells us that since our efforts are so puny, we might as well give up. It is not worth fanning the life force inside of us that would fire our vision and keep us moving. “I'll never win, why try?”
Shame ultimately can divide us from God, make us retreat in trembling. We don't want to be exposed as naked and riddled with weakness. We don't want to stand before him with our obvious scars and lesions, the sins we know too well. Shame can distort our vision of who He really is. We may suppose he, not Satan is the source of this painful shame that wracks us, the over-exaggerated sense of our unworthiness.
I think that shame is often behind those who finally abandon God. His expectations make them feel guilty and they flee from feeling ashamed.
I heard shame once in the voice of one of my daughters when she was eager to get an answer from the Lord over a problem that weighed upon her while she was in high school. She said, “Mom, will you pray for me? I know the Lord will answer you.” In her statement was the assumption that she did not think God would answer her. She thought herself, somehow, unworthy of Him.
I heard shame in the request of a Relief Society teacher who, in a lesson, asked us to write down everything we could think of that was good about ourselves to increase our sense of self-worth. Maybe this list we created would help convince us that we were acceptable.
Was this an idea that would work? I didn't think so, so I laid my pencil down. So did my neighbor, Diane. She said, “I don't get this exercise. I love the Lord, and he loves me. That's all I need to know.” I've never forgotten that comment that sprang from wholeness.
Satan is busy, however, with his program of shame. He wants us to feel like pygmies and not children of God. He wants us to participate in his program by scolding ourselves, telling ourselves that that chiding, nagging inner voice is actually there to do us good, make us responsible. “Why don't you ever get this right?” says the voice, shaming us.
But this program of shame is the same one he tried to foist on Adam and Eve. When he sees our nakedness—those vulnerabilities, weaknesses, disappointments and sins that stick to us, sometimes like glue, he screams “Hide, you wretches. Run and hide.”
That is Satan's method of covering our sins.
In the tenderest of mercies, the Savior also invites us to cover our sins, but in a quite different way, a way which is the polar opposite. The Savior's way is encompassed in what Nephi asks in his psalm, “O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!”
Seeing our nakedness and our wretchedness, the Savior, through his atonement, covers us with his own cloak. He does it with a loving, warming embrace. We are encircled in his arms and his robes. Our nakedness is covered, not because we ran and hid, following a devilish voice that implies that we are worthy of disdain. It is covered because, instead of running and hiding, we turned our faces to the Lord and as he embraces us in the folds of his robe, we find that shame falls from us.
We are loved, noticed by the King, made sacrifice for by the Lamb. We are precious, more than we can imagine right where we are, and gleaming with possibilities that go beyond.
God does not want us to travel with shame, for its burden is too heavy and is the fountain of many other sins.
This idea of naked and clothed is spoken in this verse about how it will be to stand again before God.
“Wherefore, we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness; and the righteous shall have a perfect knowledge of their enjoyment, and their righteousness, being clothed with purity, yea even with the robe of righteousness” (2 Nephi 9:14).
The righteous are not naked and made ashamed by the exposure of their weaknesses and vulnerability. They are clothed—and it is in the Savior's own robes. The embrace of the Savior's atonement allows us to have vision of who we really are. Yes, we falter and our best efforts are met with road blocks. Yes, we battle our weaknesses and the war to overcome them is often long, but drawing close to the Lord, means coming into his embrace, feeling his love, and sensing his vision of who and what we are.
Clothed in his robe of righteousness, we do not feel shame. When we are naked, Satan tells us to run and hide. Christ instead, wraps us in his love, empowers us to overcome as he has, and gives us vision to see ourselves as he does—as infinitely lovable and worth his sacrifice.
In the JST, John the Baptist, warns the Pharisees, “If ye receive not me, ye receive not him of whom I am sent to bear record; and for your sins ye have no cloak (JST Matthew 3:34).
Christ's atonement is an invitation to be “encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2 Nephi 15). We are invited to be reconciled, which means to return, to come home to the place we have known.
Not just our sins, but all those things that make us feel small and unworthy, awkward and incompetent are transformed when Christ covers our nakedness with his robes.
Hugh Nibley says that the Jews have various interpretations of the word cover. It means “to archover; to bend over; to cover; therefore, to cover your sins, to wipe them out, to forget them, to pass over with the palm of the hand, hence to wipe over; to cleanse; to expiate; therefore, to forgive, to renounce, to deny, to be found.”
It means to be encircled in love.
Oh what a number Satan does on us—making us feel like tiny, hopeless germs, far from home and far from ourselves. He would have us wallow in shame and shrunken vision, pained because we feel so small. It is a tell-tale sign that he is at work in our souls when these feelings abound.
What a joyous alternative is offered by the Savior. “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” That rest is in the robes of his righteousness where we are healed and clothed. No need to crouch and hide. We can stand before the Lord with glorious expectations and hope in the process.
We have no need to be ashamed for we are God's own children, and though we are not yet what we will be, the Lord loves us and wants us to catch the glimmers of ourselves that he sees.
Thus, when we feel the shrinking disdain for ourselves that so many know, it is time to say, “Get thee hence, Satan. I will entertain your lies no more.”
When he left the bed for work we both had learned things about ourselves. We learned that what we thought was fear keeping us from getting involved with others is actually feelings of shame. He emailed me an article that he had stumbled across almost by accident. I believe he was led to find it as it went right along with the discussion we had just a couple hours earlier.
I would like to share it with you as I believe shame is one of the key factors in what we and our husbands are faced with. Not just with this addiction but with so many things in our individual lives. It is a bit long, but worth the read.
Satan always uses the same tricks. He is a mastermind of psychology who has perfected a few ploys and uses them again and again, devilishly pleased with how easily we succumb. On this earth, he started with Adam and Eve and found a particular fiery dart so potent and searing, he has never stopped using it.
You may recognize this technique.
Adam and Eve partake of the fruit, discover their nakedness and then stand shaking when God calls their name in the garden. Satan is right at their shoulder, with urgent words, “Hide. Quickly, hide.” He floods them with a sense of their unworthiness, calls them to retreat, run, be separated from all that is good and holy because they are flawed.
He tells them to shrink in shame, to be flushed with embarrassment, not only at what they've done, but who they are.
Shame is one of Satan's pernicious tools, a view of ourselves he is always busy selling us. In our inner conversations, our self-talk, we may not call it shame, nor recognize that Satan has also told us to run and hide, but the tactic is the same.
It is that secret disdain of ourselves that we carry like a hidden worm because we have not been all that we imagined that we could. It is that nagging sense of disappointment that the weaknesses we wrestled with yesterday and last year are still dogging us. It is the chagrin that so much that is difficult for us seems to come easily to others.
It is that embarrassment that we have let ourselves and others down. It is the sin that sickens us or the sometimes hardness of our hearts towards those we should treat softly. It is the life skill we never quite master. (Can my closet still be this disorganized?)
It is the suspicion that others don't regard us or recognize us, the sense that they dismiss us. It is the dismay that we don't measure up, that no matter how hard we try, that we can't do it.
We may not experience any of these kinds of shame, but for many, there is a piece of ourselves, maybe a hidden piece, carefully masked perhaps even from ourselves, that is dimmed in shame.
If it was one of Satan's first temptations to our parents in the garden, we can be certain that he is using it in some way on us. It is a particularly effective tool for those of us who are members of the Church who want so much to become good.
We cry tears and lament, “Have I been a good enough mother?” “Have I been a good enough father?” We beat ourselves up with what we might have done differently at home, at work, in our church callings. We ask ourselves if we missed the boat somewhere along the way, took a Wrong Turn, buried our talents. Or maybe just hit a glass ceiling that our heart tells us we could have shattered if we could have just found the way.
We sometimes contribute to our sense of self-disdain, playing right into Satan's strategy. We may recount our weaknesses until they grow in our mind, replay every rejection, let our disappointments fatten and grow in our souls until they dominate and then diminish our identity.
Anything that makes us feel small and wretched does not come from the Lord who desires most of all for us to remember whose son and daughter we are, and therefore what glorious vistas can await us.
If shame can make us grovel in humiliation before life's opportunities (even if others don't see it), it can also have the opposite effect. We may go to great lengths to hide our chagrin by seeking to be overly competent, feel that we must never make mistakes. We might find ourselves in that endless race for importance, because inside we feel so unworthy and unimportant.
In this way, shame is a cousin to pride. A shrinking sense of dismay about ourselves—or even some part of ourselves—may lead us to that great temptation—working really hard on our beautiful self-image as an antidote.
Even unconsciously we may try to prove that we matter, or worse, that we matter more than other people, that we have our precious, little superiorities. We may search, even unconsciously, for ways to feel OK. We may decorate our resumes or our bodies or our social standing, hoping to smother the voice of shame and heal the hole it eats inside of us. Maybe then we can feel important enough.
Shame can become terribly self-absorbing. It can become a relentless search for something, anything, to make us feel better. “ If I achieve this, then will I be good enough? If I do that, then will I be good enough?” “Have I properly shored up my self-esteem so that I can finally shroud that sense of shame, silence the voices of chagrin, dismay and self-disdain which whisper to me?
Shame is paralyzing. It stops us in our tracks. It bids us give up, contract, stop trying. It makes us feel that we should abandon our standards since they are impossible anyway and we could never live up to them. It wraps us in despair and tells us that since our efforts are so puny, we might as well give up. It is not worth fanning the life force inside of us that would fire our vision and keep us moving. “I'll never win, why try?”
Shame ultimately can divide us from God, make us retreat in trembling. We don't want to be exposed as naked and riddled with weakness. We don't want to stand before him with our obvious scars and lesions, the sins we know too well. Shame can distort our vision of who He really is. We may suppose he, not Satan is the source of this painful shame that wracks us, the over-exaggerated sense of our unworthiness.
I think that shame is often behind those who finally abandon God. His expectations make them feel guilty and they flee from feeling ashamed.
I heard shame once in the voice of one of my daughters when she was eager to get an answer from the Lord over a problem that weighed upon her while she was in high school. She said, “Mom, will you pray for me? I know the Lord will answer you.” In her statement was the assumption that she did not think God would answer her. She thought herself, somehow, unworthy of Him.
I heard shame in the request of a Relief Society teacher who, in a lesson, asked us to write down everything we could think of that was good about ourselves to increase our sense of self-worth. Maybe this list we created would help convince us that we were acceptable.
Was this an idea that would work? I didn't think so, so I laid my pencil down. So did my neighbor, Diane. She said, “I don't get this exercise. I love the Lord, and he loves me. That's all I need to know.” I've never forgotten that comment that sprang from wholeness.
Satan is busy, however, with his program of shame. He wants us to feel like pygmies and not children of God. He wants us to participate in his program by scolding ourselves, telling ourselves that that chiding, nagging inner voice is actually there to do us good, make us responsible. “Why don't you ever get this right?” says the voice, shaming us.
But this program of shame is the same one he tried to foist on Adam and Eve. When he sees our nakedness—those vulnerabilities, weaknesses, disappointments and sins that stick to us, sometimes like glue, he screams “Hide, you wretches. Run and hide.”
That is Satan's method of covering our sins.
In the tenderest of mercies, the Savior also invites us to cover our sins, but in a quite different way, a way which is the polar opposite. The Savior's way is encompassed in what Nephi asks in his psalm, “O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!”
Seeing our nakedness and our wretchedness, the Savior, through his atonement, covers us with his own cloak. He does it with a loving, warming embrace. We are encircled in his arms and his robes. Our nakedness is covered, not because we ran and hid, following a devilish voice that implies that we are worthy of disdain. It is covered because, instead of running and hiding, we turned our faces to the Lord and as he embraces us in the folds of his robe, we find that shame falls from us.
We are loved, noticed by the King, made sacrifice for by the Lamb. We are precious, more than we can imagine right where we are, and gleaming with possibilities that go beyond.
God does not want us to travel with shame, for its burden is too heavy and is the fountain of many other sins.
This idea of naked and clothed is spoken in this verse about how it will be to stand again before God.
“Wherefore, we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness; and the righteous shall have a perfect knowledge of their enjoyment, and their righteousness, being clothed with purity, yea even with the robe of righteousness” (2 Nephi 9:14).
The righteous are not naked and made ashamed by the exposure of their weaknesses and vulnerability. They are clothed—and it is in the Savior's own robes. The embrace of the Savior's atonement allows us to have vision of who we really are. Yes, we falter and our best efforts are met with road blocks. Yes, we battle our weaknesses and the war to overcome them is often long, but drawing close to the Lord, means coming into his embrace, feeling his love, and sensing his vision of who and what we are.
Clothed in his robe of righteousness, we do not feel shame. When we are naked, Satan tells us to run and hide. Christ instead, wraps us in his love, empowers us to overcome as he has, and gives us vision to see ourselves as he does—as infinitely lovable and worth his sacrifice.
In the JST, John the Baptist, warns the Pharisees, “If ye receive not me, ye receive not him of whom I am sent to bear record; and for your sins ye have no cloak (JST Matthew 3:34).
Christ's atonement is an invitation to be “encircled about eternally in the arms of his love” (2 Nephi 15). We are invited to be reconciled, which means to return, to come home to the place we have known.
Not just our sins, but all those things that make us feel small and unworthy, awkward and incompetent are transformed when Christ covers our nakedness with his robes.
Hugh Nibley says that the Jews have various interpretations of the word cover. It means “to archover; to bend over; to cover; therefore, to cover your sins, to wipe them out, to forget them, to pass over with the palm of the hand, hence to wipe over; to cleanse; to expiate; therefore, to forgive, to renounce, to deny, to be found.”
It means to be encircled in love.
Oh what a number Satan does on us—making us feel like tiny, hopeless germs, far from home and far from ourselves. He would have us wallow in shame and shrunken vision, pained because we feel so small. It is a tell-tale sign that he is at work in our souls when these feelings abound.
What a joyous alternative is offered by the Savior. “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” That rest is in the robes of his righteousness where we are healed and clothed. No need to crouch and hide. We can stand before the Lord with glorious expectations and hope in the process.
We have no need to be ashamed for we are God's own children, and though we are not yet what we will be, the Lord loves us and wants us to catch the glimmers of ourselves that he sees.
Thus, when we feel the shrinking disdain for ourselves that so many know, it is time to say, “Get thee hence, Satan. I will entertain your lies no more.”
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Goats and fear
We raise fainting goats. If you don't know what fainting goats are just go to YouTube and search fainting goats. If you don't have the time or desire to do that, let me just say that when startled the muscles in these goats freeze up and they can't move. Some even fall over. It is quite amusing really and a big reason why we have them. I told Mr. Hopeful years ago that I would love to have fainting goats so I could go out and scare the goats as a way to relieve stress and not take it out on my kids or him. So he got them for me. Unfortunately, they are more stress than the relief I had hoped. But that is beside the point.
One of the goats in particular freezes up really well and unfortunately for him it is usually when we are throwing him hay to eat. The hay gets thrown over the fence which scares him and causes his legs to freeze up. He wants the food but his body is frozen. Instead of just saying "My body won't let me get what I need so I guess I will just sit here," he, with difficulty, drags himself with his front legs to the food. He pushes through the fear, the thing that is literally paralyzing him and forces himself to reach for the food.
So it is for me. There are things that almost paralyze me with fear. I can sit there and say "Well, I can't move forward because I am paralyzed so I might as well just stay where I am" or I can push through those fears (and pain) and reach for things that will "feed me", that will help me grow and become better.
This last month has been spent doing just that. I was presented with an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone. WAY out! I started a home business. I am having to do things that scare me in a BIG way. It has been scary. It has been frustrating. It has been amazing! As I begin to push through these fears I am growing. I am becoming stronger.
Along with having to face the fears that accompany this business I am facing more fears in regards to my own healing and recovery. As I uncover and "drag myself" through these fears they are becoming less and less paralyzing. I can learn from them. I can grow.
I am trying to keep this in perspective with Mr. Hopeful as well. He has fears that are paralyzing to him. Opening up and being vulnerable is one of those fears. I am trying to be more patient as he works to face the fear of sharing his feelings, good or bad. The more he realizes I am a safe place the more he is willing to open up. The goats know we are not a safe place because we intentionally try to scare them. I don't want Mr. Hopeful to see me coming and tense up in fear. I want him to feel confident that I am there to support him, to love him.
This business opportunity has also given Mr. Hopeful and I a chance to work together on something not recovery related. To redirect our focus a little bit. Recovery has not fallen by the wayside, but it isn't our sole focus like it had been in the past.
If the goats didn't push through the paralyzing fear, they would never eat. They would end up dying or at the very least would be very skinny, hungry goats. If I don't push through fears I am faced with I will never have the opportunity to grow and become the person that my Father in Heaven would have me become. I want to strive daily to become that person...even though it is hard. Even though it is scary. Even though it hurts (a LOT sometimes). Thankfully I am not alone in it. I have my Savior to carry me and bless me with the grace to be able to do all that is asked of me.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Struggling....
I am struggling today.
Mr. Hopeful and I had a "discussion" last night that went nowhere and left a wedge between us. I am left feeling confused, unheard, and as though my feelings don't matter. That he knows what is best for me, my healing, and the healing of our marriage.
We had been doing well. SO well. We have shared a closeness on so many levels. A closeness that I am not sure we have had in our almost 16 years of marriage. I hate feeling a distance now rather than the closeness. I hate the heaviness I feel in my heart.
I shared with Mr. Hopeful that I had been triggered at the local parade. While I had been triggered I was still able to enjoy time with my family and didn't dwell on the triggers or allow other negative thoughts to overrun my mind. I can't remember if I asked if he had been triggered or if he volunteered the information, but he told me that he had been afraid to go to the parade because he "can't control the situations around him" (how people are dressed or NOT dressed, ads, etc). This left me feeling even more triggered. I realize he can't control what is around him. However, he does have control over how he responds. So why the fear?!?
His lack of opening up to me, without prompting, about his fears was a HUGE trigger for me. The last two major disclosures in the past two years have been prompted by ME. He did not initiate the discussions and I had to pry over days, weeks, months to find out what was really going on. For months I would ask how he was doing, what was going on and his response was always "I'm good. Nothing is going on. Just stressed/bored at work". Only to find out that daily he was struggling--viewing, fantasizing, objectifying, using, etc.
I have tried to express on MANY occasions that I need him to share his struggles (temptations, triggers) with me. Sharing those struggles with me instead of keeping them from me shows me that he is willing to be transparent and honest about where he is at that day in regards to his recovery. I don't expect him to be perfect. I know that there are daily temptations and thoughts that come in. I just don't want to be told "everything is good." I have heard that before--for 16 years--and it wasn't good. He doesn't understand how that level of transparency can do anything in helping to rebuild trust. He doesn't think it can help either of us.
It hurts so much that he isn't willing to try. It leaves me feeling that I am not worth it, that WE are not worth it, to him to try. I have asked him repeatedly to share with me, good and bad, yet he won't. He thinks he knows best what I need and disregards what I tell him I need. What I need is raw honesty. I need him to be real. Not to share what he thinks I want or need to hear.
What I want AND need to hear is the truth. His struggles. His victories. Not the things that make it seem that life is rainbows and butterflies. Because it isn't. Life is hard. Life is messy. There are temptations, triggers, and struggles. That is life.
How do I reconcile my needs with his fears? I am unsure of how to move forward.
Mr. Hopeful and I had a "discussion" last night that went nowhere and left a wedge between us. I am left feeling confused, unheard, and as though my feelings don't matter. That he knows what is best for me, my healing, and the healing of our marriage.
We had been doing well. SO well. We have shared a closeness on so many levels. A closeness that I am not sure we have had in our almost 16 years of marriage. I hate feeling a distance now rather than the closeness. I hate the heaviness I feel in my heart.
I shared with Mr. Hopeful that I had been triggered at the local parade. While I had been triggered I was still able to enjoy time with my family and didn't dwell on the triggers or allow other negative thoughts to overrun my mind. I can't remember if I asked if he had been triggered or if he volunteered the information, but he told me that he had been afraid to go to the parade because he "can't control the situations around him" (how people are dressed or NOT dressed, ads, etc). This left me feeling even more triggered. I realize he can't control what is around him. However, he does have control over how he responds. So why the fear?!?
His lack of opening up to me, without prompting, about his fears was a HUGE trigger for me. The last two major disclosures in the past two years have been prompted by ME. He did not initiate the discussions and I had to pry over days, weeks, months to find out what was really going on. For months I would ask how he was doing, what was going on and his response was always "I'm good. Nothing is going on. Just stressed/bored at work". Only to find out that daily he was struggling--viewing, fantasizing, objectifying, using, etc.
I have tried to express on MANY occasions that I need him to share his struggles (temptations, triggers) with me. Sharing those struggles with me instead of keeping them from me shows me that he is willing to be transparent and honest about where he is at that day in regards to his recovery. I don't expect him to be perfect. I know that there are daily temptations and thoughts that come in. I just don't want to be told "everything is good." I have heard that before--for 16 years--and it wasn't good. He doesn't understand how that level of transparency can do anything in helping to rebuild trust. He doesn't think it can help either of us.
It hurts so much that he isn't willing to try. It leaves me feeling that I am not worth it, that WE are not worth it, to him to try. I have asked him repeatedly to share with me, good and bad, yet he won't. He thinks he knows best what I need and disregards what I tell him I need. What I need is raw honesty. I need him to be real. Not to share what he thinks I want or need to hear.
What I want AND need to hear is the truth. His struggles. His victories. Not the things that make it seem that life is rainbows and butterflies. Because it isn't. Life is hard. Life is messy. There are temptations, triggers, and struggles. That is life.
How do I reconcile my needs with his fears? I am unsure of how to move forward.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
credit
I cannot know what the future will bring. My best hope is every bit as likely to occur as my worst fear, so I have no reason to give more weight to my negative assumptions. All I can do I make the most of this day.
~Courage to Change
Monday, June 10, 2013
Skinny Jeans
I have essentially been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since fall of 2006 (I had several years before that of the same but had a 3 year break after 2003). While I am sad to be done with this stage of life, I am excited to be moving in to the next stage. I am ready to be done with the baby-making, baby-nourishing, baby-wearing. My body has not been MY body for a LONG time and I am ready to have MY body back.
I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!
Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG! Yay! So I stopped at the store to find some new pants. I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down. Sure enough they fit, perfectly. So exciting!!
Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans. I have said I would never wear skinny jeans. I just didn't think I could ever look good in them. But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on. You know what? I felt good in them. I looked and felt thin. I felt confident. So I bought them.
I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased. I was feeling good. Thin and attractive. I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.
He said NOTHING.
I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself. I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.
The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans. One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing. And that was alright because I felt good. I felt confident in myself and how I looked.
We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping. It was fun. Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on. She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband. She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response. Eventually he called and said "NO." He didn't like skinny jeans. She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them." So she put them back.
We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing. They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them. MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response. He said "No. They look uncomfortable." So she put them back.
I could see how disappointed SIL was. She really liked how comfortable the pants were. She liked how she looked in them.
After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.
I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look. I feel good. I like the way I look and that is what matters. I am comfortable in these pants. I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions."
I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else." But they don't know about his addiction. So I kept those thoughts to myself.
Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing. He didn't notice. I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look. If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."
Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them. Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something.
It hurts that he doesn't notice. It hurts a lot! However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself. Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts. I am beginning to like me. Because I am coming to know I am of worth. I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me. I am MORE than what I think of myself. The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).
I am ready to lose the baby weight for GOOD!
Last week I only had one pair of pants that fit as the rest were too BIG! Yay! So I stopped at the store to find some new pants. I tried on a pair and while they fit okay and looked good I wondered if I might be able to fit in the next size down. Sure enough they fit, perfectly. So exciting!!
Then for fun I thought I would try on a pair of skinny jeans. I have said I would never wear skinny jeans. I just didn't think I could ever look good in them. But I was feeling brave (and thin) so I tried them on. You know what? I felt good in them. I looked and felt thin. I felt confident. So I bought them.
I went home and put on the first pair of pants that I had purchased. I was feeling good. Thin and attractive. I was looking forward to what Mr. Hopeful might say about how "good I looked" when he got home.
He said NOTHING.
I was disappointed, yet still felt good about myself. I will note that my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law all commented on how thin and cute I looked.
The next day I pulled out my new skinny jeans. One sister-in-law (Lisa) commented on how cute and slimming they were, but no one else said a thing. And that was alright because I felt good. I felt confident in myself and how I looked.
We (MIL and the SILs) spent the morning shopping. It was fun. Lisa (SIL) and I have similar tastes and we both noticed a pair of colored skinny jeans that we thought would be fun to try on. She tried them on and loved them so she sent a picture to her husband. She put the pants in the cart and waited for his response. Eventually he called and said "NO." He didn't like skinny jeans. She said, "If he would have said he liked them I would have bought them." So she put them back.
We went to another store (the store where I had purchased my skinny jeans) and MIL and another SIL decided to try on the same skinny jeans that I was wearing. They both commented on how comfortable they were (they are SO comfortable) and how much they liked them. MIL said she would purchase them and then ask FIL what he thought and bring them back if he didn't like them. SIL texted a picture to her husband and waited for his response. He said "No. They look uncomfortable." So she put them back.
I could see how disappointed SIL was. She really liked how comfortable the pants were. She liked how she looked in them.
After seeing two SILs put pants that THEY liked back on the shelf because their HUSBAND didn't like the pants and MIL willing to bring them back if FIL didn't like them I decided to say something.
I said "I am to the point where I don't care if Mr. Hopeful does or does NOT like how I look. I feel good. I like the way I look and that is what matters. I am comfortable in these pants. I know it might sound harsh, but I am not going to let what he does or does not like rule my decisions."
I also wanted to say, "I know that Mr. Hopeful has looked at and fantasized about other women wearing skinny jeans. He has NO place to say if I should or should not wear these pants or anything else." But they don't know about his addiction. So I kept those thoughts to myself.
Although I did say to Lisa, "I was excited for him to see me in the pants I was wearing yesterday and you know what, he didn't say a thing. He didn't notice. I can't base how I feel about myself on whether or not he notices me and how I look. If I feel good about myself and if I feel that I look good, then that has to be good enough for me."
Mr. Hopeful didn't comment on the skinny jeans until Lisa had me stand up to show her husband (brother-in-law) and BIL said that he liked them. Only then did Mr. Hopeful say something.
It hurts that he doesn't notice. It hurts a lot! However, I can't let that determine how I feel about myself. Slowly, I am beginning to like how I look regardless of what he thinks--despite how much it hurts. I am beginning to like me. Because I am coming to know I am of worth. I am MORE than what he (or anyone else) thinks or doesn't think of me. I am MORE than what I think of myself. The Lord didn't create anything that isn't beautiful. I am beautiful in His eyes and that is what matters. (I need to repeat this to myself over and over because many days all I can see are my perceived physical flaws--pink skin, small chest, etc).
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Triggers, boundaries, and FEAR with a side of trust
This week has been triggering for me in a big way.
To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different. It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me. Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.
The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover. These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface. Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood.
There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use. The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well. I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense)
Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children. It just didn't sit right. Does my husband act like a child at times? Yes. Do I, also, act like a child a times? Unfortunately, yes. This does not mean that I should treat him like a child. I am not his parent. I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework.
The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me. That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave.
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!
It is all so confusing and overwhelming.
I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries. I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again. I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it. I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.
One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction. It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.
Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear. My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was? Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction? I have no way to prove if he is or not. Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that. He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue.
What did I do with these fears?
I didn't obsess. I didn't accuse my husband of acting out. I turned to the only ONE I can trust. I turned to my Father in Heaven. I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him. I was enveloped in sense of peace. The fears and doubts were taken away.
Later I spoke to my husband. I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why. I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries. He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.
Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery. I am changing. The Lord is changing me." And you know what, I believe him. I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words. He IS being changed.
While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings. I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit. That is enough for me.
It has to be enough.
To be fair, most weeks are, but this week has been different. It hasn't been the females out in public or the ads that are plastered everywhere that have triggered me. Surprisingly, the last week has been pretty good in regards to those kind of triggers.
The triggers I am struggling with run deeper than just a pretty face or a provocatively posed body on a magazine cover. These things have brought some deep-rooted FEARS bubbling to the surface. Fears I am not sure I had completely recognized or understood.
There has been so much discussion of boundaries and women having to enforce their personal boundaries after finding out about their husband's continued porn use. The Addo homework on boundaries has also been cause for trigger as well. I was confused by their ideas of non-negotiables and how these go against my own personal feelings regarding my husbands recovery and boundaries. (If that makes any sense)
Also, the way they compared the addict to a child and how we set boundaries for our children. It just didn't sit right. Does my husband act like a child at times? Yes. Do I, also, act like a child a times? Unfortunately, yes. This does not mean that I should treat him like a child. I am not his parent. I can't force him, with or without boundaries, to do anything and that was kind of the feeling I got from the homework.
The thought of boundaries triggers HUGE feelings of fear in me. That is probably why I have been struggling to come up with any real solid boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries will cause my husband to leave.
*Fear that if necessary I won't have the strength to enforce my boundaries.
*Fear that my boundaries are too lax or too rigid.
*Fear that my motives for my boundaries are wrong (trying to manipulate Mr. Hopeful rather than being about what I need to feel safe in our relationship).
*Fear that I am making the boundaries rather than listening to the direction the Lord is giving me in regards to boundaries.
*Fear that I don't know what it is that I need enough to feel safe to even come up with boundaries.
Fear. Fear. Fear!
It is all so confusing and overwhelming.
I wish that I didn't have to have boundaries. I wish that I could trust that Mr. Hopeful would never indulge in his addiction ever again. I hope for this, but right now I can't trust it. I can't trust him and, unfortunately, I don't feel that I can trust MYSELF or my feelings.
One wife shared that she asked her husband to leave this past weekend because she found out that despite displaying actions of recovery--attending meetings, nightly check-ins with her, sharing things learned in recovery--her husband had been acting out daily on his addiction. It was only after she asked a question that he felt he needed to tell her that yes, he had been acting out while "pretending" to be in recovery.
Reading their story brought a sense of panic and fear. My initial thoughts were, my husband is doing all the things she mentioned, is HE acting out just like her husband was? Is he "pretending" recovery to throw off suspicion as he indulges in his addiction? I have no way to prove if he is or not. Any access he has to a computer is at work and I have NO way to check that. He doesn't have a smart phone or other handheld device (thankfully) so I that is a non-issue.
What did I do with these fears?
I didn't obsess. I didn't accuse my husband of acting out. I turned to the only ONE I can trust. I turned to my Father in Heaven. I poured out my fears, my worries, my doubts to him. I was enveloped in sense of peace. The fears and doubts were taken away.
Later I spoke to my husband. I told him about the wives that have asked their husbands to leave and the reasons why. I shared with him my initial fears and doubts that HE, too, might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I told him of my struggles in regards to boundaries. He listened and validated all of my fears, doubts, and concerns.
Then he gently held my hand and lovingly said, "I am in recovery. I am changing. The Lord is changing me." And you know what, I believe him. I felt a warm, loving embrace from the spirit as Mr. Hopeful said those words. He IS being changed.
While I can't necessarily trust my husband's words or even his actions at times, as well as my own thoughts or feelings. I CAN trust the truths that are spoken to me through the spirit. That is enough for me.
It has to be enough.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Scriptural ramblings
This morning as I was reading in Alma 17, I came across several verses that really resonated with me.
I was also reminded of Amulek, when it said Alma "took him [Amulek] to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord." I also though of Joseph Smith. He suffered so many trials and tribulations despite being the man chosen to help restore the Lord's church back on the earth.
If these great men struggled why shouldn't I need to endure trials? It is humbling to realize just how much these trials are a part of the plan and that I knew this before I chose to come to earth and receive a body. I was excited and anxiously awaited my turn. I rejoiced in the Savior's plan. In a blessing I was told that I had faith in Him then, and that as I involve myself in His program my faith in Him will continue to increase.
It says twice in this chapter that they [the sons of Mosiah] "fasted much and prayed much" that they might have "his Spirit to go with them". Then it says the Lord said to them "be comforted" and they were.
The last few weeks I have had a strong impression that I need to be fasting more often than just fast Sunday. That I need to fast for specific help regarding the temptations I have in regards to my co-dependency as well as help with healing from the trauma that I am struggling to overcome. If the sons of Mosiah had to "pray and fast much" why shouldn't I? My hope is that by fasting with real intent more that I might be able to have "his spirit to go with me".
As well as fasting I need to be better at praying throughout the day. Sharing my feelings with the Lord in the moment rather than trying to deal with them on my own. The more I acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and turn them over to the Lord the less I will have the desire to unleash on an unsuspecting Mr. Hopeful.
I believe as I am (as we all are) "patient in long-suffering and afflictions" that He will be able to "make me an instrument in his hands unto the salvation of many souls." We are pioneers. The WoPA's and the addicts. We are ALL pioneers in this fight. I believe as we work our recoveries and learn more about what it is we are dealing with we will be able to help other addicts and spouses alike, understand what it is they are dealing with, and how and WHERE to find help.
This trial stinks. It hurts SO badly. There are so many days where I don't think I can make it through the moment, let alone the entire day. So many days where I feel like throwing up my arms and saying "I QUIT! This is NOT what I signed on for. I am DONE with all of it." But I don't. I am trying to see the blessings in it, although I readily admit that some days I fail miserably. I do know, though, that I am not doing this alone. I can't do it alone.
I loved verse 29 when Ammon says that he will "show forth my power, or the power which is in me". The power for me to have the patience needed to endure this trial, to be changed, to forgive is not my own. It is the power, GRACE, given to me by the Lord. It is the Atonement at work in my life. This is the only place that I (and Mr. Hopeful) can ever hope to find true, lasting recovery.
I do not have power enough on my own to do ANYTHING. But with Him, with my Savior, I can do EVERYTHING.
3 ". . .they had given themselves to much prayer, and afasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with bpower and authority of God."
5 ". . . for they had many afflictions; they did suffer much, both in body and in mind, . . . and also much alabor in the spirit."
9 ". . . and they fasted much and aprayed much that the Lord would grant unto them a portion of his Spirit to go with them, and abide with them, . . ."
10 "And it came to pass that the Lord did avisit them with his bSpirit, and said unto them: Be ccomforted. And they were comforted."
11 "And the Lord said unto them also: . . . yet ye shall be apatient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good bexamples . . . and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls."
29 ". . . I will show forth my power . . . or the power which is in me. . ."Despite witnessing an angel of the Lord, they still had struggles. They weren't given a free pass from trials and afflictions because they repented and devoted their lives to preaching the gospel to the Lamanites. Just they opposite. It says they "suffered much". Physically, mentally, and even spiritually.
I was also reminded of Amulek, when it said Alma "took him [Amulek] to his own house, and did administer unto him in his tribulations, and strengthened him in the Lord." I also though of Joseph Smith. He suffered so many trials and tribulations despite being the man chosen to help restore the Lord's church back on the earth.
If these great men struggled why shouldn't I need to endure trials? It is humbling to realize just how much these trials are a part of the plan and that I knew this before I chose to come to earth and receive a body. I was excited and anxiously awaited my turn. I rejoiced in the Savior's plan. In a blessing I was told that I had faith in Him then, and that as I involve myself in His program my faith in Him will continue to increase.
It says twice in this chapter that they [the sons of Mosiah] "fasted much and prayed much" that they might have "his Spirit to go with them". Then it says the Lord said to them "be comforted" and they were.
The last few weeks I have had a strong impression that I need to be fasting more often than just fast Sunday. That I need to fast for specific help regarding the temptations I have in regards to my co-dependency as well as help with healing from the trauma that I am struggling to overcome. If the sons of Mosiah had to "pray and fast much" why shouldn't I? My hope is that by fasting with real intent more that I might be able to have "his spirit to go with me".
As well as fasting I need to be better at praying throughout the day. Sharing my feelings with the Lord in the moment rather than trying to deal with them on my own. The more I acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and turn them over to the Lord the less I will have the desire to unleash on an unsuspecting Mr. Hopeful.
I believe as I am (as we all are) "patient in long-suffering and afflictions" that He will be able to "make me an instrument in his hands unto the salvation of many souls." We are pioneers. The WoPA's and the addicts. We are ALL pioneers in this fight. I believe as we work our recoveries and learn more about what it is we are dealing with we will be able to help other addicts and spouses alike, understand what it is they are dealing with, and how and WHERE to find help.
This trial stinks. It hurts SO badly. There are so many days where I don't think I can make it through the moment, let alone the entire day. So many days where I feel like throwing up my arms and saying "I QUIT! This is NOT what I signed on for. I am DONE with all of it." But I don't. I am trying to see the blessings in it, although I readily admit that some days I fail miserably. I do know, though, that I am not doing this alone. I can't do it alone.
I loved verse 29 when Ammon says that he will "show forth my power, or the power which is in me". The power for me to have the patience needed to endure this trial, to be changed, to forgive is not my own. It is the power, GRACE, given to me by the Lord. It is the Atonement at work in my life. This is the only place that I (and Mr. Hopeful) can ever hope to find true, lasting recovery.
I do not have power enough on my own to do ANYTHING. But with Him, with my Savior, I can do EVERYTHING.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Journey of Patience
It is said that recovery is a journey, a process, and NOT an end destination. That every day we need to be diligent in our efforts otherwise we leave ourselves open to the real possibility that we will return to our old, unhealthy behaviors. I have also heard that recovery is hard work.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives. At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.
There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit. I want to go back to "normal". Whatever that is.
A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."
I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days. I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful. There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me." "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you." "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?" "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?" "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"
I have never been a real patient person. Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7. The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small. When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future. Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly. For me, it meant NOW. Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work. Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down. But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9.
If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt. If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage. Possibly bringing it to an end. I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process. I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey.
There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries. Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord. Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself. Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful. Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality.
This really is a journey. Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty. Recovery is truly the journey of life. I believe it is why we are here on this earth. Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior. Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives.
We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome. No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own. It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it. It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.
I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into. He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel". I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel." I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program.
I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change. I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own. I can't. I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself.. Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him. I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me. To ease the burdens of my pains.
I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb). I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise. I will be blessed beyond measure.
That for the addicted it has been described as one of the hardest things they will have to do in their lives. At times this is overwhelming and defeating to me.
There are days where I am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained from working my recovery that I just want to quit. I want to go back to "normal". Whatever that is.
A few weeks ago Mr. Hopeful was told in a blessing to "have patience in the process."
I have thought a lot about this line from his blessing the last few days. I admit that at times I have NOT had much patience in the process, with myself or Mr. Hopeful. There are times where I think, "It has been 7 months already why can't you be honest and upfront with me." "Why do you still struggle with not objectifying women around you." "Why can't I be okay with his efforts in being honest?" "Why are there some days where the pain is still so suffocating?" "Why don't I respond better to triggers instead of accusing and blaming?"
I have never been a real patient person. Several years ago when we moved into our house, functionally it didn't work the best for our family of 7. The kitchen was small, so small that the refrigerator didn't fit and was in the laundry room down the hall, and the living room was painfully small. When we purchased the home we had talked about adding on in the future. Which in Mr. Hopeful's mind meant a few years down the road, possibly. For me, it meant NOW. Or at least as soon as we could get approved for an equity line and start the work. Because of my impatience in waiting we now have an extra debt that we are paying down. But we do have a nice, open great room area that fits our now family of 9.
If I am not careful, if I am not patient, we most definitely will end up in a much worse situation than just an extra debt. If I try to rush the process of healing and recovery for either myself or Mr. Hopeful it could do further damage to our marriage. Possibly bringing it to an end. I need to put my trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide me through this process. I need to allow Him to guide Mr. Hopeful along in his journey.
There are days where it is hard to see how far each of us have come in our recoveries. Days when all I can see is the hurt which blinds me to the amazing man that I see emerging as my husband strives daily to turn to the Lord. Days when my eyes are blinded to the changes that the Lord has brought about in myself. Changes in the way I interact with the kids, with Mr. Hopeful. Changes in my priorities--i.e. scripture study, prayer, journaling, my over-all spirituality.
This really is a journey. Not just for this year, the next five years, or the next twenty. Recovery is truly the journey of life. I believe it is why we are here on this earth. Recovery is the process where we, as individuals, have the opportunity to come to know, personally, the Savior. Where we learn how to access the Atonement and apply it in our own lives.
We all have weaknesses, addictions, shortcomings, etc. that we need to overcome. No matter what we may think, we can NOT overcome them on our own. It is only through Jesus Christ that we can overcome any of it. It is only through His redeeming love that we can ever hope to be changed and become the person that we CAN be.
I love what the missionary said in one of the 12-step meetings I called into. He said "Missionaries have the manual "Preach My Gospel". I think the ARP manual should be called "Live My Gospel." I also heard it called the Atonement Redemption Program.
I do believe that as I am patient with myself and with the Lord, that I will be shown those things in myself that He would have me change. I know that He doesn't expect me to make those changes on my own. I can't. I am so grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement which helps me to do those things that I cannot do for myself.. Helps me to make those changes in myself that are necessary for me to become more like Him. I am grateful for the healing power of the Atonement that allows my Savior to succor me. To ease the burdens of my pains.
I came across this quote last night, "Patience is the key to paradise" (Turkish Proverb). I know that as I take this journey day by day, moment by moment at times, I will find that paradise. I will be blessed beyond measure.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Worth
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with self worth issues. What I did (or did not do), what others said about me, what I believed I looked like and what I believed others thought I looked like determined my worth.
If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.
If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.
If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.
If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.
On and on it went.
It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself. Felt that I had worth.
Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated! I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc. I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.
In short, I wasn't enough.
As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ". As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me. This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God.
I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in. I am a child of GOD. I am His daughter. And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH. Infinite worth.
I am NOT what I do or do not do. I am NOT how I look or what others think I am. My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am. I am of WORTH because I AM me.
One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness. I tried to remind him that he is a child of God. I shared with him the man I see. The man that the Lord has allowed me to see. While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself.
I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him. To which he said "No, but I need to". I believe we all need to. It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us. (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)
Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes. Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us. One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,
The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks. The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God.
My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation. And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth. I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.
If the meal I made ended up not being liked as much as I had hope, then I was a worthless cook.
If the house didn't get cleaned up like I thought it should be then I was a worthless homemaker.
If I accidentally locked the 2 year old and screaming baby in the car (true story) then as a mom I was WORTHLESS.
If I couldn't take care of my husband's sexual "needs" then I was most definitely a worthless wife.
On and on it went.
It has been a rare occasion when I can say I have truly felt good about myself. Felt that I had worth.
Then when Mr. Hopeful's addiction came out of hiding what little bit of self worth I did have was obliterated! I wasn't attractive enough to keep him from seeking out other women in pictures, on television, in real life, etc. I wasn't enough to keep him satisfied in bed so he had to fantasize to the images in front of him or in his head as he took care of his own needs.
In short, I wasn't enough.
As I was working on step 2 from the ARP manual a couple nights ago I pondered my answer to the question, "what about me might require the healing power of Jesus Christ". As I began writing a feeling of love and peace came over me. This feeling was followed be a very unmistakable thought or whisper from the spirit--I am a Daughter of God.
I have been singing the primary song I am a Child of God longer than I can remember, but it wasn't until last night that I can say that it truly sank in. I am a child of GOD. I am His daughter. And because I am His daughter, His child, I have WORTH. Infinite worth.
I am NOT what I do or do not do. I am NOT how I look or what others think I am. My worth is not determined by the meals I cook, the house I keep, the kids I raise, or the kind of wife I am. I am of WORTH because I AM me.
One night last week Mr. Hopeful was struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness. I tried to remind him that he is a child of God. I shared with him the man I see. The man that the Lord has allowed me to see. While he felt some comfort I could tell it didn't change how he felt about himself.
I then asked him if he has prayed for help to see himself as the Lord sees him. To which he said "No, but I need to". I believe we all need to. It is so easy to believe we are what the world sees and thinks of us and we forget what the Lord sees in us. (As I wrote this last sentence it became very clear to me that the feeling I had as I wrote my answer to the question in Step 2 was an answer to my months of praying to see myself as He [the Lord] sees me.)
Over the course of the last week the Lord has blessed Mr. Hopeful and I with so many tender mercies to show each of us just how much worth we DO have in his eyes. Showing us that we are His children and that He loves us. One of those tender mercies happened the night after our discussion, we were attending our general ARP meeting and came across this quote in the introduction of the manual,
"No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father. If you have been blind to this truth, the principles explained in this guide will help you rediscover it and establish it deep in your heart."Yet another tender mercy came as a member of our group said he doesn't like referring to himself as an addict. He fully understands that he suffers with an addiction, but it is not WHO he is, rather he is a Child of God that happens to have an addiction.
The final tender mercy came that evening as the missionary felt prompted to close the meeting by singing a hymn rather than his own remarks. The hymn he felt prompted to sing was I am a Child of God.
My heart is full of gratitude to a loving Father in Heaven that is so very mindful of me, and my situation. And is mindful of my husband, who because of his past actions feels he is of little worth, but has been shown in many ways that he IS of worth. I am grateful for His tender mercies and answers to prayers.
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